No Going Back (2 page)

As soon as I had mentioned having a wedding to attend she chimed up like a little dog waiting for a treat, exclaiming, “Great, I’ll go with you! What better way to make it official that we are back together?”

“I’m gonna make something very, very clear. We’re getting married and we’re getting our daughter back. If and only if we get her back will I even consider trying to make anything work with you. The idea of ever loving you again puts a stale taste in my mouth.” That idea didn’t seem to bother her one bit.

Ever since Allison, I now question if I really ever knew what love felt like, or if the idea of it is what I held onto so tightly. What I was starting to feel for Mallory was different than what I had ever felt for Allison. I think it’s because she was able to wiggle her way through the cracks of the steel shell I placed around my heart. She was starting to succeed at doing something she wasn’t even trying to do — something she wasn’t even aware of doing. She was opening me up to love again. And now this. Now I’m forced to choose between the woman who destroyed me and gave me the title of being unattainable, and the woman who was breaking me down inch by inch.

Growing up, I had vowed to never have a child of mine grow up the way I did, with no father around and a mother working two jobs just to barely get by. No way in hell. My kid would have a better life than I could have imagined. That’s why I’m going along with Allison’s plan. I can’t chance the fact that she could be telling the truth. I can’t take the chance that my daughter is out there, somewhere, being raised by someone else.

We don’t have much interaction, Allison and I. I’m still trying to figure her out. I can’t just warm back up to her as if nothing ever happened. Does it mean I don’t fuck her? Nope, I most definitely do that. A man has needs, and if I can’t be getting my dick sucked by some random yahoo, then might as well get it from the free deal I have hanging around here.

The only thing keeping me sane for this past month has been the shows we’ve been playing. Not long after ending our leg of the tour with Black Falcon last year, the lead singer Jeff from Weathered Heights got ahold of me. They had just got done recording their new album back in January, and had a tour scheduled to take off in March. It was more than a welcomed distraction. I dove into it head first. This has been what I’ve wanted my whole life. This was the tour I ran off on after Mallory opened up to me. I had needed an escape. I had to escape before I fell too deep and there was no going back. That’s what I told myself, especially when regret started creeping in. I couldn’t let it happen. The risks were too severe. Weren’t they? I can’t stand the way I hurt Mallory. But fuck if this time it wasn’t my fault. Well, not completely. I know I have to just let her and the idea of us being together go. It’s obviously not written in the stars for us. Stupid fucking destiny bullshit.

We had been on tour for a good two months before I had to face the music and confront some things head on. Little did I know that my past was going to come back at me and hit me full force in the gut. It worked out perfectly that we’d get a week break around the time of Derek’s wedding. I would have made it back either way, but I liked that I didn’t have to mess around and figure that shit out. A mini break is never a bad idea. I needed time away from the rocker lifestyle that I’m fully immersing myself in. I needed a break from the endless women who lined up to get into my pants. Some guys might say it never gets old, but believe me, that shit gets old. It’s all a haze anyways. I don’t know their names, or even remember their faces. Not remembering their faces can mainly be due to the fact that I’m almost always lit and I make sure they’re facing away from me when I fuck them.

Ever since Mallory, I can’t stand the idea of making eye contact with one of these skanks during our not so intimate fuck sessions. The whole being drunk part is the only way I can even get it up. Some guys bitch about having a whiskey dick, but for me it’s the only way I can get mine to perform. It turns my mind off, making it possible for my dick to be turned on. It’s not that I can’t be turned on per say, it’s more the fact that I really can’t stand to be close to any female while I’m sober. The only woman I really want, I pushed away. It fucking sucks.

I sigh as the memories of Mallory flood my mind. I can’t help that during times like these, the few times I’m left alone, that my mind drifts to her. Mostly I recall all the good times we had, but then the look of pain I had caused her not once, but twice, quickly resurfaces.

Allison walking into the small back room on our bus quickly causes me to shake myself out of my stupor.

She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. “Just think, we would have been married already instead of just now making it official.”

I laugh, “You really think we’d still be married? That’s amusing.”

She makes her way towards where I’m sitting with her evil eyes focused on me. “Actually I do. I did love you Seth. I was carrying your baby. Do I think it would have been easy? Hell no. You’re pretty fucking stubborn sometimes.”

“Riiight, I’m the one who’s stubborn. I’m the one who took money to give
MY
kid away. I’m far from fucking perfect, but I would have
NEVER
done what you did. And now look at the fucking mess we are in. And we don’t even know if it’ll work.” I laugh like a crazy man. It’s definitely how I feel — like a fucking nutty person. A loon is the only type of person who’d actually get themselves into this type of situation. Not any damn sane person. I’m obviously far from sane.

Sitting down beside me, she tries to reassure me. “It’ll all work itself out Seth. I regret the decisions I made. I was young and scared.” She places her hand on my back and starts to rub it up and down. I turn away from her.

“Don’t touch me. We aren’t some happy couple and you know it,” I seethe at her.

“Well, you better get to perfecting those vows of yours…we’re 500 miles away from Vegas.” And with that she gets up and walks out of the room.

Chapter Three

*MALLORY*

I’m not even going to lie, the excitement of becoming a mother is starting to take full effect. I love looking at all the tiny outfits at the stores. All the little socks, fluffy blankets and complicated strollers; there’s just so much to take in as a new mother. It’s sad, but I could spend all day in a baby store. Decorating her little room right down to the light switch cover is something I do often in my head. If not at an actual store, my new found online shopping addiction comes in handy.

I haven’t heard anything about Seth lately. Like I care anyway. Shit, who am I kidding? I would give anything for him to be all Fabio-esque and run through my front door and whisk me off my feet. It would be the perfect moment. Well, as long as he didn’t say ‘
I can’t believe it’s not butter!’
Then it would be the perfect moment. But hell, that isn’t going to happen anyways, so why daydream about something that will never come to pass? So, I don’t. Day by day, I learn to expect it a little more for what it is. Unfair. No, it’s just life, which is unfair by the way.

Is being a single mother something I want to do? No. I’d rather have the normal family life for my baby; the kind of life I never had. But hell, what’s fucking normal these days? The picture perfect family life seems to slowly be dying off. Can I do this on my own? Hell yeah I can. I don’t need a man. I was never close to my own father growing up, and I didn’t turn out too bad. Ha! Who the hell am I kidding? I’m a freaking mess. Just look at the trail of men I’ve been through. It’s sad. But that was the old me, the one who didn’t have a little piece of her along with the man she loves growing inside of her. I will never be that woman again. That woman died, the day Jesika basically did at my house. Seeing her that way, and feeling such incredible loss, did something to me. It made me realize life is too short. Too short to keep living without a care in the world. Too short to keep living so recklessly. Too short to keep being a ho like I was.

But the truth is that once Seth and I hooked up for the first time, I never had sex with any other guy. The idea that we were both careful when it came to sex because we got around so much makes it hard to believe I got knocked up. But we all have those “in the moment” occasions. Which is exactly what we had after we found out Jesika was in the clear and that the baby was fine. I couldn’t go back to my house that night because of the blood and the whole memory of what had just happened. So Seth had offered me to stay at his place. It was the first time we’d ever actually stayed the night together. I was upset, so upset, and he comforted me the best way he knew how and even I knew how.

We used sex to comfort each other. It was hot and needy and the thought of playing it safe was thrown out the window. I know condoms aren’t a hundred percent effective and I had planned on getting the shot since I absolutely suck at keeping track of taking the pill, which I was on, but like I said, I suck at taking it. So, with both of those actions combined-
SURPRISE,
I got knocked up. Stranger things have happened, right? Such as Jesika getting pregnant when she was supposedly fixed. I believe in her case it was fate though. I mean, she’s damn lucky she survived, we all are, but I think it was meant to be. Derek needed a child of his own after all the nutty shit he was put through. I felt so bad for him. But he took it all like a champ. Most guys couldn’t and wouldn’t accept what he did.

Today is the day that everyone is going to find out that my baby is a girl since they don’t believe me. Yes, I finally find out the sex today and I’m so flipping happy that I can barely contain myself. I will now be able to go buy all the outfits and frilly baby items I’ve been putting on my mental wish-list every time I walk through the baby department. In fact, that’s exactly what I plan on dragging Jesika to do as soon as we leave here. I made sure to take the rest of the day off just for that purpose alone. Like hell, I could go back and actually sit my ass at my cubicle and work, knowing I could finally be buying baby stuff. Hell to the no.

“Okay, so after my motherly instincts are proven to be on point when the doctor confirms the baby I’m carrying has a cookie instead of a turtle, we are going shopping. I intend on finding the most diva-ish outfit for my princess to come home in. A pair of high-heel socks is a must.” I can’t contain the smile. I can’t contain the happiness. Even though I miss Seth like a bad habit, I can’t help but wish he was a part of this — that he was the one who was taking me to the ultrasound.

“Umm, I’m not sure I’ll be able to go with you afterwards. I, ah, kinda of have a flight to catch later today.” I can hear the uncertainty in her voice. By the way she’s apprehensive to bluntly tell me all the details, I can only assume it deals with Seth. Yeah, yeah, I know what they say about people who assume, but seriously, that statement is a little past its expiration date anyways. It can pack its ass up and go back to the 90’s along with the whole ‘
you know the word gullible isn’t in the dictionary?’
Not sure if it was me channeling my inner ditsy blonde or what, but damn if I always fell for that dumbass line.

I refuse to let anything bring me down today. Nothing. “No biggie, I’ll just go by myself.”

“Mallory Prentice,” the medical assistant calls my name through the door she is holding open with her foot. She does the basic weight, blood pressure, temperature check while asking me the same questions they do every other time like they are going to magically change.
Nope, I still don’t smoke, but since becoming pregnant I can’t help but drink a six-pack every night before I go to bed. That’s perfectly normal, right?
Sheesh, I know it’s their job and all, but can’t they ask those questions once every nine months?

I lie back on the chair-slash-bed and the paper crinkles under me as I try to scoot my short frame up into place. The ultrasound tech arrives shortly after we are escorted to the room.

“Good morning Mallory. I see you are now twenty weeks along. Congratulations on being half way done.” I smile at the short round lady with shoulder length blonde hair. “Aw, you’re due December 23
^rd
. How exciting!”