Nobody's Lost (Rescue Me Saga #5) (23 page)

Tears did fill her eyes now. Jesus, how could he unfuck this? He’d hoped they could at least stay friends. “I don’t—”

“You know what?” She didn’t give him a chance to respond. “I’m a big girl, and I’m going to be fine whether I continue exploring kink with you or not. That’s not who I am at my core. I just thought it would be fun—and it was. Well, until now.”

She glanced down, clenching her hands in front of her. He stood and started toward her, but she held up her hand to stop his words. “I think I’ll head back home in the morning.”

Ryder’s chest ached at her words, and not just because of what Top would say. “That’s not a good idea. We don’t know that the danger is over.”

“It doesn’t matter. Patrick should be home tonight or early tomorrow. If there’s any threat, it will be handled under his watch. Besides, I didn’t come here because I was afraid of someone hurting me. I just didn’t want to see you in so much pain.” Two tears rolled down her cheeks. “But if you need to hide out here alone, so be it.”

Is that what she thought he did here—hide?

Well, what else would you call it?

And while he tried to convince himself she was the one who needed him, the idea of her going away showed him just how much he’d come to need her here. He’d hoped for at least one more day together.

All the more reason she needed to go home. He couldn’t handle long-term attachments to people, not even someone he enjoyed being with as much as Megan. People he loved always came to expect more of him than he was able to give.

This woman deserved someone as strong as she was, someone who would walk beside her and protect her from anyone who tried to harm her. Okay, he’d managed that last part these past few days, not that there’d been any enemies or intruders to fight off.

“Eventually, my shortcomings would have made it impossible for us to have any kind of long-term relationship.”

Shortcomings? She was perfect. He was the flawed one. His mind had been so busy processing the fact that she wanted to leave that he’d lost track of the conversation somewhere along the way.

“Megan, there’s nothing that would keep me from—”

Shit!
What had he been about to say? Loving her? He raked his fingers through his hair and stood up. He couldn’t love her the way she should be loved.

“I’ll follow you back to Albuquerque tomorrow.”

“Suit yourself, but you don’t have to. Patrick will be there.”

He hated seeing her leave.

“Good night, Ryder. And you won’t have to sleep on the sofa. I’ll just change my sheets and lay a towel on my bed if needed.”

She turned and walked away. He didn’t bother arguing with her about sleeping arrangements knowing putting an end to all ties probably would be for the best anyway. Having her sleep in his bed would only complicate matters. He wanted no reminders of her in his bed.

Or his life.

Good luck with that, asshole.

He knew he’d never forget Megan Gallagher no matter how many years passed.

*     *     *

Packing her things took less than fifteen minutes, but she hoped to leave soon after daybreak. No sense prolonging the pain by adding more memories to their time together. She’d already spent too much time with him, revealed too much of herself.

And for what? He hadn’t exactly reassured her that having his babies was no big deal. The man would make a good father, teaching his children about the world around them. Images of a little boy or girl with his black hair and tanned skin brought tears to her eyes. She brushed them away.

Ryder had never intended for anything to happen with them beyond these few days. She knew that, so why did it feel as if her insides were being ripped out again?

This was worse than any pain she’d experienced with endometriosis, because her heart wasn’t so easily repaired. Why had she thought his knowing about her defects might make him see they weren’t all that different? Both had unseen scars they hid from the world.

With or without the ability to have babies, he’d pushed her away tonight. Here she’d thought a lack of reproductive organs would be the deal breaker in a relationship with a man, but even before he’d known about her defect, he’d been ready to call it quits.

Ryder doesn’t want me.

Rather than try to sleep, she opened her laptop and set it on the desk to edit more of her photos. The few images she’d taken of Ryder when he didn’t know she was photographing him drew her in. In a number of unguarded moments, he appeared to have been enjoying her company. Sometimes the camera could deceive. A trick of the lighting, perhaps. An unusual angle.

Still, she’d miss those times with him.

Could she settle for friendship with him over not having him in her life at all? Did he even care enough about her to want any contact beyond the morning to come?

“I said, I’m here. I don’t make promises I can’t keep…”

She’d promised to be there anytime he needed someone to talk with. Would he take her up on her offer if things got rough for him?

When the dawn broke and the light spilled through her window, she closed the computer and placed it in her bag. Picking up her things, she wheeled her suitcase into the kitchen.

Ryder sat at the table, a mug of coffee before him.

He met her gaze. “Good morning.”

She couldn’t think of anything good about it, other than the coffee. “That smells good.” He started to get up. “No, sit. I’ll get my own.” She set her purse and bags down beside the suitcase.

“Let me fix you some breakfast.”

“No, thanks. I couldn’t eat anything.” The thought of keeping anything down in this room where he’d begun to introduce her to her submissive side would be ludicrous. “I’ll just have half a cup, and then I should leave.”

“I wish—”

She stopped on her way to the coffee pot and placed her hand on his shoulder. “No regrets. But I promised you once that even if you needed someone to talk with at three a.m., or any time, you should call me. That stands. I’ll be there, even if you just want some company.” The thought of him doing something permanent to fix a temporary problem scared her. “If you let me down and I find out, I’ll kick your ass.”

He grinned up at her. “No worries. I’ve come this far. I’m not going to do anything stupid. Carlos keeps tabs on me, too.”

Of course, he had Carlos. He didn’t need her. She blinked away the tears before they embarrassed her again and walked up to the counter and poured her coffee. She didn’t even pour half a cup. The sooner she drank this, the sooner she could go back to Patrick’s. He should be home by now.

She didn’t know what she planned to do beyond this summer, but the thought of staying in New Mexico no longer appealed to her. Maybe she’d visit Mom for a while in Chicago. And Adam and Karla might need some help in the coming months. They’d probably love having their own photographer to document their big event.

Whatever she decided, she’d keep busy. No idle time thinking about what might have been.

Chapter Eighteen

R
yder sat perched on the red rocks overlooking the valley. The sun was setting behind him, casting a long shadow across the land stretched out below him. The last time he’d come here was with Megan, and her presence remained strong. As the first twenty-four hours of his fasting period came to an end, he prepared his mind for what was to come. Today, he’d looked back over his life, taking inventory while realizing who he needed to seek forgiveness from. The list was long, from his parents to Marcia to Gino and Marc D’Alessio to Sherry and, finally, to Megan.

He’d spent the day deciding what things he wanted to let go of, from the guilt surrounding the losses and injuries of good warriors to his inability to connect with people in a meaningful, lasting way. Tonight, he would come down from the mountain and be immersed in the centuries-old traditions of the purification lodge. Carlos would keep watch over him during his four day and four night vision quest, but in the sweat lodge, he would be joined by other combat veterans, all seeking healing and hope for their world.

The crunch of rocks behind him set him on alert.

“Just me, man. It’s time. The sweat leader is ready.”

Ryder stood and turned to face his friend. Both wore only a pair of shorts and sandals, even though Carlos wouldn’t be going inside the lodge with him. Instead, he’d agreed to stand guard at the door, protecting those inside.

He still remembered the surprise in his friend’s voice over the phone two days ago when Ryder called and told him he was ready to participate in the next sweat. His friend had been asking him to do one for years, but Ryder had never deemed himself ready. Perhaps unworthiness was a significant reason for holding back, too.

Finding that a purification lodge ceremony was scheduled for fellow veterans only two days later made Ryder grateful he had gotten his head out of his ass in time to participate. He needed to reclaim his life. He only hoped he would find the answers he needed. He couldn’t go on living a shadow life, one in which he kept those he loved at a distance while merely going through the motions of existing.

Hell, Megan’s leaving had shown him he didn’t do existing all that well, either.

Ryder missed her more than anything he’d lost before in his life. Jesus, he’d screwed things up. Even though he knew she’d be better off without him, damn it, he wanted more in life than to remain alone and in hiding on this mountain. He wanted his life back.

One thing he’d come to realize during this initial day of fasting and reflection was that he really had been screwed up before he enlisted. He needed to forgive and make peace with the father who deserted him and his family, as well as with the mother who had her own problems but at least had continued to provide for him and his sister, Marcia.

Ryder bent to pick up the water bottles he’d drunk in preparation for the purification lodge ceremony. No beer, coffee, or anything detrimental to his body had passed his lips today. Not even food. Only water. He had been instructed to drink lots of water.

He passed the altar Carlos had helped him construct. It would remain throughout the four days and nights. When he reached Carlos’s side, his friend turned in silence, and the two walked side by side down the trail. His friend stood a few inches shorter than Ryder’s five-eleven. His stride was long and sure.

The man had been a rock to Ryder for more than two decades. “Thank you, Carlos.”

“No need to thank your brother. You’d do the same if I had been the one who had faced combat.”

He hoped he would have been there for this man he loved more than any other, even more so than Master Sergeant Montague. He and Carlos had a history, a bond that no one could break. But Ryder was tired of always being the one receiving from Carlos. He wanted to give something back. To do that, he must heal great wounds hidden within.

They drove in Carlos’s Jeep to the site the leader had chosen to conduct the ceremony along the banks of the Rio Guadalupe on the pueblo. Ryder’s double-sided drum and stick were in the back of the Jeep. He wouldn’t use it during the sweat, but planned to take it with him when he returned to the mountain to spend the next three nights. He hoped to make it sing once more. Drumming spoke to him in spiritual ways other music did not.

Carlos had told him he needed to bring nothing but himself—and a willingness to be mindful and open to whatever happened. Of course, modesty was valued as a show of respect for the Great Spirit and the Relatives, so no one would be nude inside the lodge. And this one would be limited to males only.

After parking in the remote area, they hiked half a mile to the site. Ryder smelled the smoke from the fire before he actually saw the domed lodge, which had been constructed of willow saplings prayerfully cut down on the pueblo. Ryder had helped in its construction yesterday morning, although he hadn’t been here when a layer of hand-woven blankets had been placed over the tree trunks. Those had been covered by an Army surplus tarp. A fitting concession to modernize the spiritual ceremony that had once been held under buffalo and other hides.

“Things sure have changed for your people, Carlos.”