Officer Spence Makes No Sense (4 page)

BRING!BRING!BRING!BRING!

Fire alarm bells always go
BRING! BRING!BRING!BRING!
Nobody knows why.

It was really loud! We had to hold our hands over our ears. Everybody was freaking out. It was cool.

“Get outside!” people were screaming in the hallways. “Fire! Everybody outside!”

When we got out to the playground, it was like a war zone. Officer Spence had put barbed wire on top of the fence. There was a helicopter hovering over the school. Officer Spence was wearing a camouflage suit, and he was running around with a weird helmet over his face.

“What’s that he’s wearing?” Ryan asked.

“Night vision goggles,” Michael told us. “They let you see in the dark. I saw them in a movie once.”

“Night vision goggles are cool,” I said.

“But why is he wearing night vision goggles in the middle of the day?” asked Neil.

“Because he’s crazy!” Andrea said.

Officer Spence was running around, arresting every grown-up he could find. First he ran over to our science teacher, Mr. Docker.

“Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled.

“What did I do?” asked Mr. Docker.

“You’re conducting bizarre experiments in the science lab,” Officer Spence said. “You’re under arrest.”

He put handcuffs on Mr. Docker. Then he ran over to our bus driver, Mrs. Kormel.

“Freeze, dirtbag!”

“What did I do?” she asked.

“I saw you drinking and driving,” accused Officer Spence.

“It was coffee!” said Mrs. Kormel.

“Yes, and you were
drinking
it,” Officer Spence said as he handcuffed her. “Drinking and driving is against the law,
so you’re under arrest!”

Then he ran over to our crossing guard, Mr. Louie. He was holding his guitar that looks like a stop sign.

“Freeze, dirtbag!”

“Hey man, like, y’know?” said Mr. Louie, making a peace sign. “Can’t we all learn to love one another and live in peace and harmony?”

“No!” Officer Spence barked. “You’re under arrest!”

“Hey, I’m just chillin’, dude,” Mr. Louie said. “Doin’ my thing. Like, can you dig it? Why are you hassling me, bro?”

“Because you stand out in the middle of the street before and after school,” Officer Spence said.

“Yeah, that’s my job, man,” Mr. Louie said. “Like, I’m a crossing guard? I gotta help the kids cross the street. It’s what I do. Can you dig where I’m comin’ from?”

“You’re a jaywalker!” Officer Spence yelled. “And you’re going to jail!”

“Oh, man!” Mr. Louie said as he was handcuffed. “Lighten up, dude! Like,
y’know? You’re giving off bad vibes and bumming everybody out.”

“You have the right to remain silent,” said Officer Spence. “So shut up!”

“No! Like, help! Let me
gooooooooooo
!”

Officer Spence ordered us kids to go back inside the school and wait for him in the all-purpose room. That’s a room we use for all purposes, so it has the perfect name. I looked at the clock as we went into school. It was almost three o’clock. Soon it would be time to go home.

We got to the all-purpose room, and it was amazing! The whole stage was filled with a long line of jail cells. Each one had a different grown-up in it—Mrs. Roopy, Mrs. Yonkers, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring, Miss Small. They were all there.

“WOW!” we said, which is “MOM” upside down.

“Help! Help! Let us out!” The teachers were yelling and rattling their cages. “Officer Spence is crazy!”

“You have the right to remain silent!” Officer Spence yelled at them. “So shut up!”

I had to admit, the whole thing was pretty cool. It was a lot like going to the
zoo, except there were teachers in the cages instead of monkeys, bears, and baboons. It was a real Kodak moment. You should have been there!

“There aren’t any more grown-ups for Officer Spence to arrest,” Ryan whispered.
“What’s he gonna do now?”

“Beats me,” I said.

Officer Spence climbed up on the stage and grabbed the microphone.

“Okay, I have looked over all the evidence,” he announced. “I examined fingerprints. I looked at hair samples
under a microscope. I got the results of the DNA tests. And now I know the truth. I know who the guilty party is. The peanut butter and jelly bandit is…”

I leaned forward in my seat. We
all
leaned forward in our seats. It was really suspenseful! Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop. But not one of those little pins you use for sewing clothes. Those pins don’t make any noise when you drop them. I tried that once, and I couldn’t hear it at all. I mean like a bowling pin. Because they make a lot of noise when they drop.

Bowling is fun. I got a 109 once. I’m going bowling on Saturday because I got invited to Neil the nude kid’s birthday
party. They’re going to put up bumpers so we can’t throw any gutter balls.

But that doesn’t have anything to do with all the suspense that was in the all-purpose room.

“The peanut butter and jelly bandit is…”

Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. Because at that moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

But I’m not going to tell you what it was.

Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter to find out. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

Officer Spence was about to name the peanut butter and jelly bandit when we heard this loud grinding noise. It sounded like it was coming from under the stage.

Then there was a banging noise.
BANG! BANG! BANG!

And then, right next to Officer Spence,
this
thing
popped up from under the stage! It was tan-colored, and it looked like a balloon or a beach ball or something.

“A tan-colored beach ball is coming through the floor!” I hollered.

“No, I think it’s a giant sea serpent!” yelled Ryan.

“It looks like an enormous lightbulb!” shouted Michael.

“Run for your lives!” screamed Neil the nude kid.

But then we all realized that the thing that was coming up through the floor wasn’t a balloon or a beach ball or a giant sea serpent or an enormous lightbulb. You’ll never believe in a million hundred
years what it was.

It was Mr. Klutz’s shiny bald head!

Our principal, Mr. Klutz, climbed out from under the stage. He was wearing a prison uniform.

“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” all the teachers shouted.

Coming up right behind Mr. Klutz was our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee! She was wearing a prison uniform, too, and she had two dogs with her.

“We thought you were in jail!” shouted Michael.

“We
were
in jail, you betcha,” Mrs. Jafee said. “We tunneled out using our yogurt spoons.”

“I’m starved,” said Mr. Klutz. “Does anybody have any yogurt?”

Officer Spence looked really mad. He wheeled around and pointed his finger at Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee like it was a gun.

“Freeze, dirtbags!” he yelled. “You’re under arrest…again! In fact, you’re
all
under arrest!”

“
All
of us?” asked Andrea.

“That’s right,” Officer Spence said. “Kids
too. The whole school. Everybody’s under arrest! You’re all going to jail. Hands up!”

Four hundred kids put our hands in the air. Mrs. Jafee’s dogs started nosing around the stage like they were trying to smell something.

“What cute dogs!” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up. “What are their names?”

“Skippy and Jif,” said Mrs. Jafee. “They’re peanut butter–sniffing dogs.”

Peanut butter–sniffing dogs? I heard of dogs that sniff out bombs. I heard of dogs that sniff out drugs. But I never heard of dogs that sniff out peanut butter! Maybe Mrs. Jafee was yanking our chain.

“Where did you get peanut butter–sniffing dogs?” asked Emily.

“From Rent-A-Peanut-Butter–Sniffing-Dog,” said Mr. Klutz. “You can rent anything.”

“Ruff!” barked Skippy.

“Get those dogs out of here!” shouted Officer Spence. “You can’t have dogs in school!”

The dogs were sniffing all around Officer Spence.

“Ruff!” barked Jif.

“You dogs are under arrest,” Officer Spence yelled. “Put your paws up! You have the right to remain silent—”

But Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence because suddenly, Skippy pulled something out of Officer Spence’s pocket.

It was a sandwich!

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

“GASP!” everybody gasped.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“How did that get in my pocket?” asked Officer Spence. “Who put it there?”

“I’ll tell you who put it there,” Mr. Klutz said. “
You
put it there! Because
you
, Officer
Spence, are the
real
peanut butter and jelly bandit!”

“GASP!” everybody gasped again.

“I didn’t see
that
coming!” Ryan said to me.

“You said it yourself,” Mr. Klutz told Officer Spence. “The criminal is always
the one you least suspect!”

The teachers started rattling their cages and shouting. Now that everybody knew Officer Spence was the peanut butter and jelly bandit, we all started booing him.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Throw the book at him!” yelled Michael.

“Put him in the pen!” yelled Ryan.

“Give him the chair!” yelled Neil the nude kid.

But Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign. When a grown-up makes a peace sign at our school, it means we have to shut up. Nobody knows why.

“Why did you do it, Officer Spence?”
Mr. Klutz asked. “Why did you turn to a life of crime?”

“I…I…”

Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. Because you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came into the all-purpose room at that moment.

It was Dr. Brad, the school counselor!