Out of the Blackness (23 page)

Despite the valium, my breath comes in shallow bursts and I excuse myself to the bathroom for a minute alone to get myself together. I’ve never had such a reaction to someone’s physicality, his sexuality, before and it’s dang frightening. But even more than that, it’s
exciting
, which is a whole new level of discomforting. I reach my shaky hands out to turn the tap—cold water on the face, good—and bump against the counter. I gasp, realizing I have an erection. My heartbeat kicks into overdrive with embarrassment. I hope to all that is holy that Noah didn’t notice. I mean, I’m a short guy, but I’m not little everywhere and, looking at myself in the mirror, the bulge is pretty obvious. I have to force myself not to untuck my shirt.

I compel myself to calm down, breathing slowly until both my heart rate and my treacherous groin are under control. Pushing down the panic that this might happen again, I splash my face and the back of my neck with cold, cold water. Then I catch sight of myself in the mirror and almost let out a laugh of relief. I brush my hair aside and focus on my ruined eye socket. No, there’s no chance of that erection coming back now. And even if it did, one look at my full face would have Noah running for the hills. I breathe a sigh of relief and blink quickly to empty my eyes of self-pity water, as Carl would call it.

I open the door to find Noah leaning against the far wall of the hallway. I nearly jump right out of my skin, a neat trick if I could do it.

“Oh! You scared me.” I notice his blond chest hair glistening in the light and resolutely turn my eyes to the floor.

“Are you okay?” he asks gently.

I nod, my eyes traveling up part of the long length of his exposed lower legs, desperately trying not to notice the shimmering blond hair there, too. I swallow hard once again and force my voice to work. “I’m fine. I’m sorry.”

He pushes off the wall and then I feel his finger under my chin, urging me to look up at him. “What are you sorry for?” he asks in that same patient tone.

I tilt my head up but keep my eyes down, newly conscious again of how I look, of who I am, and how insane it is for me to have these feelings for anyone, much less a man like Noah Yates. “I shouldn’t be here,” I whisper.

Noah's hand cups my cheek, his thumb gently stroking my full bottom lip. It’s a gesture I’m more than comfortable with after a month of his kisses, because his thumb on my lips always means his lips will soon follow. “You absolutely should be here,” he whispers back. “I would love for you to be here all the time. You belong here.”

I try to shake my head, but he won’t allow it. Instead, I murmur, “No.”

“Yes,” he answers. I can feel him moving closer, his mouth readying to join with mine. “You belong with me, little one.”

I feel like a volcanic mess inside, torn up, on fire, conflicted in a million ways, but I know I have to be strong enough to stop this madness before my heart erupts. “No. Whatever you think is going on, Noah, it can’t happen. I can’t be that guy.” I put my hand to his chest to push him away, but he’s so warm and solid and sleek beneath my fingertips. I close my eyes, in defeat or defense, I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter.

“It’s already happening, sweetheart. It has been for a while,” he whispers just before his mouth makes contact with mine. He keeps the kiss slow and easy, not demanding or asking for more than I can give, just gently pursuing like always.

I can’t help it; I can’t stop myself. He feels too good, too strong and solid and
real
. I moan and lean into the kiss, clutching at the silky material of his shirt to bring him closer.

His arms come around my waist and urge me closer. He lets me take the steps to bring our bodies together, never forcing, only requesting. But when I do take those steps, he groans and deepens the kiss, his tongue asking mine to play. His arms hold me tight against him and I feel safer, more secure, and more complete than I ever have.

Finally he breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against mine. He smiles softly at my shuddering breath and I can’t help but mirror the expression. He brushes my bangs away from my face and I slam my eyes closed, going absolutely rigid in his arms, waiting for the rejection, hoping it won’t hurt too much, but knowing it will.

He places soft kisses on my closed eyelids and one on my destroyed socket. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers. “I mean it, Avery. You are beautiful to me.” His lips rest against my forehead as he completes his thought. “I know you need time and we’ll take this as slow as you need. Even if it takes years, I’m still going to want you to be mine because you
are
that guy. You may not believe it yet, but you will.” He presses a kiss to my forehead again, then cups my face in his gigantic, rough hands and kisses my lips once more. “Get yourself together and then come watch the game with me, okay?”

I can only nod as he gently releases me and strides down the hallway.

Eventually, I make my way out to the living room to see what all the ruckus is about. Both of my guys are cheering wildly and talking excitedly about some play or another. They try to explain it to me, but even with the replay they watch in absolute silence, save for the final moments when some giant in blue stuffs the hoop with the ball, doesn’t make it any clearer. I simply smile and nod and say, “Go UK.”

“
KU!!!”
they yell in horrified unison.

When I merely smile impishly, Noah gathers me in his arms and gives me a gentle noogie, followed by a smacking kiss to the top of my head and pulls me down to sit beside him on the couch. I giggle a little and curl into him under his arm, resting my head on his insanely sexy chest. While he and Sam animatedly watch the game, I watch the play of light highlight the smattering of hair across Noah's chest.

I have a lot to think about, but here, in the circle of Noah’s arms, with Sam across the room, I’ve never been more content. Maybe it’s the valium finally kicking in. Maybe it’s something more. Only time will tell.

Noah wakes me from an embarrassingly drool-filled slumber at half time and I go to the kitchen to make baked nachos mariachis. I’m spreading refried beans on the last of the chips when Sam wanders into the room, eyebrows buried high in his hairline. He leans against the counter and waits, slowly drinking his Sam Adams.

“What?” I finally ask, moving to spoon the drained, browned hamburger across the two cookie sheets of chips.

Sam smiles triumphantly. “I told you.”

I frown and keep working. “Told me what? Make yourself useful and drain that can of black olives, please.”

He hops to, still grinning like the fool some people take him for. “He’s a good guy. I approve.”

I put the empty skillet in the sink next to him and pick up the tiny pieces of green pepper, working the same magic with them. “What do you approve of, dear brother?” I ask, not at all wanting to hear his answer.

“Oh, no, you’re not going to get me to say it. But if you two haven’t said it yet, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. It’s completely obvious.”

I sigh and fix him with a glare. “What is this, ‘Fiddler on the Roof’?”

Sam laughs. “More like ‘The Mirror Has Two Faces.’ You’re a lot more than you let anyone see, Aves. But Noah sees what I see in you, no matter how hard you try to hide it.”

I snatch the olives out of his hand and try to hide my embarrassment under what I hope looks like disgust. “Geez, which one of us is gay? You just referenced a Barbra Streisand movie
nobody
watched.”

“Uh huh. Defensive isn’t a good look on you, little brother.”

“And gloating isn’t on you, either.”

Sam laughs. “Yeah, but you know what does look good on you?”

“What?” I ask, already dreading the answer.

“Well-kissed lips.”

I almost drop the can of olives. “Out!” I order, pointing and blushing madly. “Out of my kitchen!”

Chapter 12 - April

T
hree weeks after the basketball game, Noah presents me with a shiny new Jayhawk key ring.

“Uhm, thanks?”

He laughs. “I didn’t think that would impress you much.”

“Oh. It’s lovely,” I say quickly, hoping I haven’t hurt his feelings. The very last thing I want to do is hurt Noah.

He takes my hand and presses a kiss inside my wrist. I have no idea why, but every time he does that my heartbeat spikes. He’s dressed casually today. Even though he isn’t scheduled to work because of classes, he still came to the store for our lunch date. I know he could save time and energy eating on campus, but it’s nice that he still wants to share his meal with me. I don’t understand why, but the man wants to be with me whenever he can. It makes resisting him harder. He never demands, always requests, never pushes me much farther than I’m comfortable with, just enough to leave me with my head spinning in a most pleasant way.

From his pocket, he retrieves a shiny silver key and deftly fastens it to the ring. “This,” he says as he holds it up proudly, “is a key to my apartment.”

My eyes widen and I jerk my hand back. “No, Noah.” I shake my head. “I can’t take that.”

He smiles patiently. “You’re gonna need it, Aves. I’m taking the rest of April and the first half of May off from the store. It’s the last push before finals and graduation. I’m going to be super crazy busy getting everything done on time. I have my final papers to write and then exams to study for on top of classes.” He grins. “I’m counting on you to keep me fueled up so I can give it all my best. That means I won’t be able to be here for lunch all the time, so I’ll need you to deliver to my place. Can you do that for me?”

I don’t know what to say. The idea of being responsible for a key to his place scares the heck out of me. If this were anyone but Noah, I would refuse flat out. Some people still look at me as some trouble-making foster kid. They assume because I wasn't raised by my “real” mom and dad that I’m some sort of delinquent—a liar or a thief or worse. Accepting this key from anyone but Noah would be the first step in being accused of doing something illegal. What if Noah's place is broken into and robbed after he gives me a key? I’ll be a prime suspect. It makes me feel paranoid, but I’ve seen it happen before.

“Noah, I—I can’t.”

He sighs and puts the key on the table. “Sam said you wouldn’t take it. I had hoped he was wrong.” He turns pleading eyes to mine and I almost immediately drop my gaze. “I guess that means we won’t be seeing each other very much.”

“I-I can bring stuff when you’re going to be there. That way I won’t need a key.”

“But I want you to have it, little one. I want to know you can get in whenever you need. Heck, I want you to be there whenever you want to be.” He sighs. “I don’t want to have to miss you, Aves.”

Tears of awe and sadness and regret fill my eyes. Awe that he would trust me so much, sadness that I won’t be seeing him every day, and regret that I looked at his gift as a trap and had hurt his feelings. I close my fingers over the key. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Noah. I don’t want to miss you either. I’ll try to time your food deliveries for when you’ll be there, but I’ll take the key just in case.” I glance up and am gifted with a wide, dimpled smile of happiness.

“Ah, the fine art of compromise. It’s a deal.” He leans forward and presses a quick kiss to my lips. “Okay, I gotta run if I’m going to make it back to class on time.” He smiles, and then snaps his fingers as if a thought just occurred to him. “You’re off tomorrow, right?”

“Yes.”

He stands up but I keep sitting, something I wouldn’t have dared to do months ago. Sometimes it surprises me how comfortable I’ve gotten with Noah in these few months, although I suppose with him kissing me all the time, it was bound to happen.

“Earth to Avery.”

My gaze snaps up to his and I flush. “Sorry. What?”

He grins at me in that way he has, like he enjoys indulging me. “I said I have a full day on campus tomorrow, so why don’t you grab Sam or Kaleb and give that key a dry run. I know you’ll be freaked out about being there alone the first time, so bring some company. They’ve both been there before, so it should be fine.”

I swallow and shift my eyes away, still not on board with the idea of being in Noah's house without him. His enormous hand on my cheek, his thumb at my lips brings my attention back to him in a hurry. I look into his hazel eyes and gently nip his thumb. His eyes darken and the breath catches in his throat. Where I’d only meant to tease him, apparently I’d hit some sort of secret sexual hot button. Note to self: no more nips. Oh and doesn’t that just bring up a pretty picture of what I can only imagine his bare chest looks like. Dang it.

Noah leans down until his lips are only a fraction of an inch from mine. “If you do that for me, I’ll leave you a very special gift.” My eyes close as a wave of heat suffuses my body and it takes a long moment to realize he’s talking about going to his apartment tomorrow. Silently I nod and am rewarded with the tenderest of long kisses.

He draws back, winks and moves to leave. I let him take a few steps before I find my voice. “Noah?”

He stops and turns, giving me his full attention, as always.

“Why do you keep kissing me?”

He smiles and comes back around the table, urging me to stand with a gentle tug on my hand. His arms go around me and his mouth is on mine again, checking to be sure my tonsils are still in place. When he draws back, he smiles down at me. “I kiss you because you are the most adorable man under the sun. And because you taste delicious. And because I like it. Do you want me to stop?”

I sigh and lean into him, my chin on his chest, still holding his gaze. “No,” I say simply.

“Good,” he answers, cupping my face and kissing me breathless.

***

“He must really care for you,” Kaleb says the next day as I slide my new key in the lock.

Noah was right. I feel better having our friend accompany me on my maiden voyage to his empty apartment. That’s not to say that the phone call to ask Kaleb to come with hadn’t been weird for me. But like always, Noah seems to have planned three steps ahead. Kaleb was expecting my call and agreed almost immediately.