Psyche Moon (7 page)

Her smile wide and wicked, she replied. “I’d rather see them squirm while serving a dyke. If he thinks he’s better than us, it will drive him nuts. We have to stand up for ourselves in life, and this is my way of doing it. It’s sort of a dominance thing, telling them that I’m bigger than them and have sharper teeth, so they might as well roll over.”

Understanding hit me, and a slight smile twitched my mouth. “You just found your new favorite restaurant in Idaho City, didn’t you?”

“My absolute favorite. I can’t go through Idaho City without stopping for a bite.” I couldn’t help but appreciate the humor in that. “The food better be good, or it’ll be a long summer.”

Still a little dazed, I returned to the other source of amazement. “So this law firm you work for. They do civil rights cases?”

“Richard dabbles in civil rights, but his partners do pure civil cases. Technically, he’s retired, which means he doesn’t know the definition of the word. Richard’s part of my family, and he and his wife come over to dinner a couple times a month.” Wife. I laughed. “I’m actually the only queer in the family, but no one treats it like it even matters. Richard will laugh when I tell him about his ‘husband’. Actually, they’re coming to dinner next Friday. Want to join us?”

This “family” of hers peaked my curiosity, and Richard sounded like a definite winner. “Yeah. It would be nice to meet some of your family. What’s Richard like?”

“Charismatic, funny, full of stories. He’s quite a kick. He’ll like you. It’s always a casual dinner, nothing fancy. Just lots of good food and good company, it gives me an excuse to cook something special. Richard’s been doing gay rights cases for years now, and I know he would have made good on my threat – he’s great that way. He’ll tell you all about his bigger cases if you let him get started.”

“You cook?”

“All the time. With the way I eat, I’d go broke eating out every day even on my salary. I like it, actually.”

“I love to cook, but it’s hard to make some time-consuming meal when I’m the only one eating it. So I don’t do it much.” Anymore.

“Gets kind of lonely, eating for one?” She lowered her eyelids a little, a subtle tell-me-about-it mannerism.

My mouth twitched in a beginning of a wry smile. I didn’t really want to talk about it, but honesty won the moment. “Yeah. I have been lonely. Maybe that’s what drove me to Louie’s last night. I didn’t go to pick up some woman – or at least I didn’t think so at the time – but I guess I kind of did.”

Her tone turned haughty. “As I recall, I picked you up.”

“And I’m still not sure how that happened.”

I read her amusement easily. “You think just because you were hiding in a corner that you wouldn’t be noticed? I notice everything and everyone around me, and I certainly noticed you.” Satisfaction roiled in her mind. She took great pleasure in finding me.

I didn’t know how to feel about that. “I’m not used to being noticed. People tend to just ignore me. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t all insecurities or whatever. I know I’m pretty, but people just walk by most of the time. It used to bug me, but now it just feels normal.”

“They ignore you because you hide. You’re a beautiful woman, Sadie. Not the most beautiful I’ve ever met, but very beautiful, and more exciting and sexy than anyone I’ve ever known. I saw that in you when I saw you at Louie’s, and I knew I had to meet you.”

The waitress came with the food and beer, a cute young thing with eyes of a beaten puppy. Not saying a word or meeting our gaze, she placed the beer in front of me and began to turn. “Miss, can I have a water?” Billie’s tone was kinder than I expected after her conversation with the proprietor. Gentleness crossed her mind as if the girl were a small child or a puppy.

She nodded and left, clearly uncomfortable. And afraid.

“Poor thing. She’s terrified.” Billie commented softly at her retreating back, wanting to know why.

“She sees something in us that she’s afraid to admit to herself.” It came out before I realized what I was saying, but Billie didn’t seem to think it an odd observation.

“I wouldn’t doubt it. God I’d hate to be young and coming out in a town like this. My hometown wasn’t big, but it would be horrible here.” Billie dug into her meal with enthusiasm.

I watched the girl as she maneuvered between tables, carrying the plates easily but uncomfortable in the atmosphere. She wanted to leave Idaho City, but felt trapped there, and only part of it was money. I could almost see what that was, but to press further was to go too far.
Superficial thoughts only
, I reminded myself.

“You do that.” Billie stared at me intently, knowing without looking in the direction of my gaze. “You look at people as if you want to drag out their soul and examine it.”

I smiled uncomfortably, kicking myself for being so obvious with her. “I wish I could sometimes. I’d like to know why she stays here.”

“Tell me about Annie?” The question came as a shock, and for a moment I just stared. How could she know about Annie? “I saw the letter on the table addressed to both of you.”

Of course she did. How stupid of me. Letting out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I tried to organize my thoughts. I hadn’t talked to anyone about those last few weeks, and I wasn’t sure I could put it into words. Billie gave me the time I needed to respond.

Slowly, I tried to explain, for once unable to read Billie in the confusion of my own thoughts. I couldn’t look at her and stared at the waitress instead: pain with a dose of shame evident in my tone. “Annie and I were together for a year. She was very talented, musically and artistically. You may have seen some of her art in local newspapers and magazines. I loved her. When it started to fall apart, it was quick. Two weeks later she moved out; that was three months ago.”

I caught Billie’s gaze and understanding clearly showed in them. Understanding and something else. “She was uncomfortable with you.” I didn’t acknowledge that, but she was getting a pretty good picture. Too good. Feeling like I should say something, my tongue instead worked itself into a dry husk with no voice. “When you started finishing her sentences and telling her what she was thinking, anticipating what she wanted, she couldn’t handle it.”

I nodded, wondering if Billie would stand up and leave right then, but part of me knew she wouldn’t. Part of me thought she should. She’d known for a while that I could do this: pull a thought or read a vibe. Strangely enough, she liked it. I took a sip of my beer to give my hands something to do so they didn’t shake.

She liked it now, but would she later? When the creepiness factor kicked in. When I knew of the birth or death of someone she loved. When I shared her own memory with her, not realizing she’d never spoken of it. I’d done more than make Annie uncomfortable, I’d scared her.

“That won’t happen with me.” She spoke softly and sounded so certain. How could she understand the intricacies of a relationship with someone like me?

“Won’t it?” Starting to get cynical, I challenged her. “When I pass you the salt before you ask, you’re not going to think I’m a freak? And if I call you moments after you find out your father’s dead, you won’t fear me? What about when I answer you before I realize you didn’t say it aloud?” I didn’t want to lose her, but if we were having this conversation, I wouldn’t pull the punches. I wasn’t ready to tell her everything, but if she already knew the basics I refused to sugarcoat it.

Part of me wanted to end it right there. To lose her after one day would hurt so much I didn’t want to think about it, but to lose her later … I didn’t know if I could bear it. If she was going to walk away, I was going to give her the opportunity.

“You already anticipate what I want and need. I love it, and not just the sex part. And when my father dies, a phone call from you will be exactly what I need. What you do is not normal, but it is special. You don’t have to hide it from me.” Her sincerity was genuine, but I simply didn’t believe she understood the situation.

“You mean it – I see that – but putting it into practice every day is different. Once I get close to someone, I start losing control of it. And I already can’t control it with you. It’s not a light switch that I can turn on and off. It sort of is, but when I drop my guard it comes on randomly when I don’t ask it. Sometimes I can’t even tell what’s spoken and what’s not.” My frustration at this was evident, and she took my hand.

“Don’t push me away because you don’t know if you can trust me.”

I shook my head, deciding at that moment that I wouldn’t. I’d asked her to trust me, and I wanted to trust her. “I’m not going to, but I am afraid. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. You don’t know what I am.”

Her words drifted to a new topic, but it was the same conversation in her mind. “When you meet my family, you’re going to feel undercurrents that you don’t understand. Secrets and whispers and things hidden. It’s not bad, and you’ll feel that, but I need to warn you. We’re very tight, and very private. I’ll keep things from you, not because I want to but because I made a promise. I’ll never lie to you, but I won’t be able to tell you everything. And please don’t go digging.”

“I try not to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. At least when it comes to my abilities. I can’t promise I won’t pick up on something accidentally, but I promise I won’t dig. ”

“Are you okay with the secrets?” Her question was important, both to her and to us. Her fear about that rivaled my own about my abilities.

I thought about it a moment, needing to know that my words were not false. “What you said was true, at least in your mind. It’s not bad, just private. So long as that stays true I’ll respect it. How can I not respect your privacy? I keep parts of myself private, too.” She nodded her thanks. “Are you going to tell them about me?”

She grinned. “Oh, they’ll know. And it’ll be fun seeing their faces.”

“How will they know? Are they psychics?”

She scrunched her nose in distaste. “We don’t like the term psychic, it’s been ruined by all the frauds out there. We call people like you Sensitives, and no they are not Sensitives exactly, but they recognize one when they meet her.” Great. A room full of people who know I can read their minds.

“They won’t care?” I had a hard time accepting that. I’d have to experience it to believe it.

Her certainty on this was clear. “No.”

The idea of a group of people, people I might consider “family” someday, who were comfortable with someone like me around intrigued me. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but if what Billie said was true I thought my loneliness might soon dissipate.

We finished our meal, enjoyed some public display of affection just to annoy the proprietor, and stood to go. Leaving two twenties on the table, Billie gave her credit card to the proprietor. Scowling at her, he said nothing while running it. Ready to leave, she had to have the last word. Her grin wide and sweet, she said, “The food was delicious. See you next time.”

Not waiting for a reply, she slipped an arm around my waist and we walked out, leaving him stewing in a rage behind us. Out of sight and sound, she burst into laughter, and I found myself joining her. “That was fun.”

I had to agree. “It was, once I figured out the game. At first I was really uncomfortable, but I’m glad we did it that way.”

“I’m sorry. I knew you wanted to get out of there, but I really wanted to come out on top with him. Forgive me?”

That was too easy. “Are you offering penance? I could think of a few things you could do to make up for it.” Running my fingers down her neck, I kissed her. I couldn’t wait to get her home.

“That’s not penance, that’s a reward. Careful how you punish me for stunts like this, or I’ll do them more often.” Desire and amusement rose within her, and I wasn’t the only one ready to get to my place.

“I can’t imagine anything that you could do that would require my forgiveness.” The words, meant as a compliment, struck her in an unusual way. Guilt surfaced, and a tense look crossed her face. She was afraid that whatever she was hiding from me, whatever secrets her family held, would create a need for forgiveness. “Billie, you said it’s not bad, so why would I have to forgive you for it? I wasn’t poking around, it came to the surface of your thoughts.”

Pulling me into a hug which was somehow more intimate than our kiss, she whispered into my ear. “I won’t lie to you. But I’m going to be more honest than I probably should. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t roses and cotton candy either. I have my dark side, and I don’t want to hurt you because of it. Sadie …” She reached out to me, begging forgiveness in advance.

I didn’t know what this incredible woman had to hide that was so terrible, but I knew her heart was true. Most people only believe that about their partners, but I knew. “I’ll try to understand.” Knowing I meant my promise, she released me and we climbed into the jeep.

Grey light fell as we pulled onto my street. My previously empty house felt inviting again as I imagined sharing it, even part of the time, with Billie. Fantasies of waking up next to her warmed me in a way that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. And never this intensely.

“Okay if I come in?” She teased me.

“You better.” I let her trail me to my door, not glancing back and knowing she followed. Her intensity overwhelmed me as she watched my form in front of her. It enveloped me, consumed my whole being, this desire that was both mental and sexual. To her I was a drug, and she was hooked after only twenty-four hours.

For me it was more earthen. I felt like I’d found something I never knew I’d missed, and she filled that void. We weren’t two halves of a whole, like some people say, but rather together we were more than either one of us apart. We complimented each other.

Kissing the back of my neck as I tried to work the lock, I had a little trouble. My words came husky from my throat, but I didn’t turn. “If you’d like to make love on the front porch, keep going. But my neighbor is a voyeur. If you want to actually get in the house …well, this distraction is not helping.”

Silently she took my keys from my hands and unlocked the door, reaching around my body but not even pausing in her adoration of my neck. “I’d rather not give a performance, but I’m not sure I can quit.”