Real Vampires Know Size Matters
“Real vampires, real fun, real sexy!”
—Kerrelyn Sparks,
New York Times
bestselling author
Praise for
Real Vampires Know Hips Happen
“I love this series . . . The humorous writing style mixed with the steam . . . makes this worth reading.”
—USA Today
“Ms. Bartlett keeps each book fresh.”
—Night Owl Reviews
Real Vampires Hate Skinny Jeans
“
Real Vampires Hate Skinny Jeans
. . . contains the fast-paced and funny entertainment expected from the series. Glory is hysterical; her relationships with her shoe-shopping friends and her male paranormal beaus are heartwarming and clever.”
—Fresh Fiction
“I am completely enamored of Glory St. Clair and enjoy seeing what she gets herself into through each new book.”
—Once Upon a Romance
Real Vampires Don’t Wear Size Six
“This has to be one of the best series I have ever read. Even after seven books, Ms. Bartlett keeps the story and her characters fresh and never boring . . . Ms. Bartlett is an auto-buy.”
—Night Owl Reviews
“Every time a new Gerry Bartlett Real Vampires story comes out, I know I’m going to get a fantastically funny and highly enjoyable read, and this story was no exception.”
—TwoLips Reviews
Real Vampires Have More to Love
“A book that you can reread again and again. I have been with Glory from the start and can’t wait to see what happens next. Each book is like coming home and catching up with old friends.”
—
Night Owl Reviews
“Fans will learn new and interesting tidbits about familiar characters and meet some fascinating new ones, making this addition to Bartlett’s vampire series an entertaining read.”
—
RT Book Reviews
Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs
“Laugh-out-loud fun . . .
Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs
has a reserved spot on my keeper shelf!”
—
Fresh Fiction
“The chemistry between Glory and Jerry is explosive. But when you add in the secondary characters, the result is nonstop laughter!”
—
The Romance Readers Connection
Real Vampires Don’t Diet
“An engaging urban fantasy filled with action and amusing chick-lit asides. Glory is terrific.”
—
Midwest Book Review
“Another must-have . . .
Real Vampires Don’t Diet
is honestly a tasty treat that’s sure to please even the most discerning palates.”
—
Romance Reviews Today
Real Vampires Get Lucky
“Gerry Bartlett delivers another winner . . . Fans rejoice—this one’s a keeper!”
—
Fresh Fiction
“Fun, fast-moving and introduces some wonderful new characters, along with having plenty of familiar faces.”
—
RT Book Reviews
Real Vampires Live Large
“Fans of lighthearted paranormal romps will enjoy Gerry Bartlett’s fun tale.”
—
Midwest Book Review
“Glory gives girl power a whole new meaning, especially in the undead way. What a fun read!”
—
All About Romance
Real Vampires Have Curves
“A sharp, sassy, sexy read. Gerry Bartlett creates a vampire to die for in this sizzling new series.”
—Kimberly Raye,
USA Today
bestselling author of
The Devil’s in the Details
“Hot and hilarious. Glory is Everywoman with fangs.”
—Nina Bangs,
USA Today
bestselling author of
Wicked Memories
“Full-figured vampire Glory bursts from the page in this lively, fun and engaging spin on the vampire mythology.”
—Julie Kenner,
USA Today
bestselling author of
Turned
Titles by Gerry Bartlett
REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES
REAL VAMPIRES LIVE LARGE
REAL VAMPIRES GET LUCKY
REAL VAMPIRES DON’T DIET
REAL VAMPIRES HATE THEIR THIGHS
REAL VAMPIRES HAVE MORE TO LOVE
REAL VAMPIRES DON’T WEAR SIZE SIX
REAL VAMPIRES HATE SKINNY JEANS
REAL VAMPIRES KNOW HIPS HAPPEN
REAL VAMPIRES KNOW SIZE MATTERS
THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) LLC
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014
USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China
penguin.com
A Penguin Random House Company
This book is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.
Copyright © 2013 by Gerry Bartlett.
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
BERKLEY
is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
eBook ISBN: 978-1-10161997-1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bartlett, Gerry.
Real vampires know size matters / Gerry Bartlett. — Berkley trade paperback edition.
pages cm.
ISBN 978-0-425-26703-5 (pbk.)
1. Saint Clair, Glory (Fictitious character)—Fiction. 2. Vampires—Fiction. 3. Overweight women—Fiction. 4. Paranormal romance stories. I. Title.
PS3602.A83945R4367 2013
813'.6—dc23
2013031381
PUBLISHING HISTORY
Berkley trade paperback edition / December 2013
Cover art by Chris Long / CWC International.
Cover design by George Long.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Version_1
This book owes its name to a genius with titles:
Tracy Dittrich.
Thanks, Tracy,
for being such a loyal friend to the series.
Acknowledgments
Size doesn’t matter to Glory, but in the book business, it can be a factor. I owe so much to the size of my fantastic street team, whose members are out there spreading the good news about the Real Vampires series both online and in the trenches every day. You know who you are. Thanks so much!
Also, I have a sizeable support system in place and couldn’t have gotten this book done without it. My wonderful editor, Kate Seaver, has always believed in this series, and I really appreciate that. The team at Berkley does such a super job, from the illustrator Chris Long, who cooked up such a fun cover this time, to my copy editor, Mary Pell, who knows my series better than I do. What a great experience I’ve had here!
My superstar agent, Kimberly Whalen, always has my back. I’m so glad she understands contracts and fine print, because I’d sure hate to tackle them.
Finally, my awesome critique partners suffer with me through every step of creating a book. Thanks to Nina Bangs and Donna Maloy for the long lunches and shopping orgies necessary to keep my writing muse fed. You guys are priceless and irreplaceable.
Contents
One
We’d
been invaded.
You can do this. Suck it up. Attack. Use your powers.
Instead I leaped up on the sweater table, shaking and screaming along with the mortals in the shop.
No. Get down, Gloriana St. Clair, and face the enemy.
Weapons, I needed weapons and I sure as hell wasn’t using my fangs this time. I glanced around. The two women perched on the chair next to the dressing room were no help. Their shrieks could have broken glass. Three more women crouched on the counter in front of the cash register. More mortals, totally useless, though one swung an umbrella at the horde. Impressive compared to me.
I tossed a sweater at one. Stupid. Didn’t even slow it down. I was a failure. A wimp. I couldn’t quit shaking and couldn’t force myself to get off the table. If a god from Olympus attacked, I’d be right in his face, toe-to-toe. Or another vamp. Bring him on. But whoever had planned this had found my weakness. I thought I heard one right there, on the table, and moaned, horrified.
Mice! Dozens of them. Even Achilles had his heel thing. Glory St. Clair has hers. I don’t like anything that’s creepy or crawly. Now my reputation and the business I’d built from nothing were in shreds along with my pride. Would you shop where you saw mice? I’d have joined the stampede for the door myself if there’d been time.
My clerk Lacy, a were-cat, was running around like a starving woman at an all-you-can-eat buffet in kitty heaven. She whipped past me with a smile on her face, making sounds too gross to think about.
“Oh, God, there’s another one!” The brave soul on the counter with the vintage umbrella slashed at the floor, knocking a mouse toward the door. That got the logjam there cleared with a chorus of screams.
I heard a smack near my feet. “Lacy, what the hell are you doing?” I gagged and realized I was going to have to whammy every mortal in the place.