Reason to Believe (White Lace) (20 page)

Tears continued to stream down my face and it felt like they would never stop. I saw the pain in his eyes along with anger…and desire. He was conflicted.

And just before I was about to speak, he smashed his mouth to mine, wrecking me with a kiss so hot it almost melted my clothes off.

My phone buzzed in my bag and I pulled away, vaulting across the room to the chair and rummaging around my bag. When I’d confirmed the buzz wasn’t about Sadie, I looked back at Ben, but the man who had been kissing me had disappeared, his eyes had grown dark and distant.

He looked down at the phone in my hand and I realized what was going on in his mind. Just like it probably had yesterday when I’d looked at my phone and walked away.

I choked back a sob. “After all this time, you still don’t trust me.”

“You walked away,” he whispered the saddest four words I’d ever heard.

Ben Lockwood knew the real me, but despite accepting my past, he was still suspicious. And what hope did that give me for my future love life?

The only way I could move on was with a man who didn’t know Jade, a man who couldn’t draw the parallel between me and my alter ego. Ben was a constant reminder of my past, one foot still in the door of the life I wanted to leave behind.

“I’m sorry. I had to. I…you know I would have stayed if I could.”

“You walked away.” He glared from his seat on the couch.

“This is how it’s going to be?” I returned to my seat, turning my body so that I was facing him. “You’re always going to think I’m playing a game. Every time I tell you I like you or that I like what you’re doing to me.” I swallowed down my fear. “Every time I tell you that I love you…” His head shot up and our eyes locked. “You won’t believe me, because—”

I had no time to finish my sentence because his lips were on mine, his fingers digging beneath the waistband of my jeans, causing my eyes to roll back in my head.

My libido was like an extra person in the room. It was a living, breathing entity, one I wasn’t able to control. And because of that, I was willing to overlook the fact that the connection between us I had come to crave was gone and in its place was…nothing.

Our encounters had never been emotionless, despite our best efforts. Ben had reminded me that intimacy between two people didn’t have to include sex, and the fact that we had a deeper connection only made the sex we had better.

But right now he was angry. Distant. And for the first time, kissing Ben was just like all the other sex I’d ever had. He was a nameless, faceless John taking what he wanted.

But God help me, I needed him. I loved him. He could take anything.

I was willing to give him it all.

I had checked out as soon as I’d heard the words
I love you.

But it didn’t stop my body from reacting to her presence. Just like every other time we’d been together, my body was on overdrive.

I had no other choice but to cut her off with a kiss. I didn’t know how to process that information.

A few weeks ago we’d started out friendly, then escalated to sexy…but never had I thought that Grace Nolan would be saying those three words I just didn’t believe in.

I kissed her with everything I had. Clawing and scraping my hands over her body like some kind of rabid animal that knew had met its last meal. Because this was the last time. And despite knowing that she had broken me, I couldn’t stop myself from claiming her.

One more time.

It made sense. Because if I didn’t feel something more for her, then her leaving me hanging at the speakers series wouldn’t have ruined me—she’d proven that I’d been right all along, that I just wasn’t good enough to show up for. And now she was here, telling me she loves me and acting like her betrayal didn’t matter.

“Where were you?”

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“You at least owe me the courtesy of an explanation.”

I was being an asshole. I knew it. She deserved it, at least a little bit.

She shook her head. “Please don’t ask me to tell you. I can’t tell you.”

What did it mean that she wasn’t lying? I would have expected her to come up with something, an excuse, a fabricated story.

“Then why did you come here?”

I didn’t understand. Not when she had Everly and Sadie to take care of her, yet for some reason when she was upset she’d shown up here. And I could tell she was upset. She thought I didn’t know what was going on behind her poor attempt to mask her feelings, but I’d written the book on masking feelings.

When she didn’t respond, I probed. “You come here when you’re upset.” I gripped her chin, preventing her from looking away. “You can’t hide from me.”

“I’m not here to hide.” Our eyes locked, and she stared me down. “I came here to forget.”

I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Why had I let her into my house? Why had I let this escalate?

I found the hem of her shirt and pulled up, forcing her arms over her head and wiggling the blue fabric off her body. Her bra was white lace and it was hard not to bend down and suck her rosy nipples through the fabric. Her arms fell lifelessly and she attacked my lips as I unhooked the plastic clasp in the front of her bra.

As she maneuvered her arms out of the straps, I undid her pants, pulling at the fly then slipping both hands under the jeans so I could grab her ass cheeks. I jerked her forward until she was on her knees, hovering above me as her lips rained kisses over my face. But I had a mission to get her naked and underneath me. I tugged her jeans down to her knees then returned to do the same with the lace panties.

Without care, I gripped the backs of her thighs and jerked until she fell back, her feet caught under her ass, and her pussy staring me in the face. So perfect. So sweet and warm. And I wanted inside desperately.

She was completely naked now, and spread out before me. I perused her lush body and when she bit her bottom lip, my cock jerked inside my shorts at her action.

Despite the tense situation, despite knowing that this was the last time, and that both of us were tortured and angry, she was giving me the go-ahead.

And so I took it.

I tugged down my shorts until my cock sprung free, bobbing against my stomach. I wanted nothing more than to flip her over, press her face into the couch cushion, and pretend like the last few weeks hadn’t happened, but I couldn’t, because keeping my distance didn’t matter anymore. It had done me no good. She’d still managed to infiltrate my heart, my soul. Every single molecule that made up my being, she’d made a mark on, and I knew I’d never be able to remove her.

With my cock proud and erect, I still couldn’t close the distance. I didn’t have it in me to make the move.

“You know I can’t give you what you want, Grace.” Her breath was heavy now and she played with her breasts in an attempt to relieve some of her own built-up tension. “I’m no one’s knight in shining armor.”

There wasn’t anything I could do to save her. And a woman like Grace needed a stand-up guy who wouldn’t second guess her motives. Someone who trusted her, and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that everything she said was a lie.

She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me closer, smashing her lips and tongue into my mouth as if pretending she hadn’t heard me. But I couldn’t go on without saying my peace.

“I told you from the beginning, Grace, we were going to crash.”

She pressed her fingers to my cheeks, holding me in place. “Then there’s nothing left to do but burn us to the fucking ground.”

She grabbed my cock and positioned me at her entrance; with one swift movement and a million reasons why I shouldn’t, I pushed forward until I was seated all the way inside.

Her stomach tensed with my entry, her legs pressing out, trying to take me deeper, and when her hands slid down my chest to touch herself, I groaned.

I lowered, resting my arms on either side of her as best I could with the little room on the couch, and started moving. Slow. Steady. Relishing every back and forth. I’d solder the memory to my brain, because the next time I was with Grace it would be in my dreams.

I picked up speed, half wanting this to be over, half never wanting to remove myself from her body. I was torn, ripped into a thousand pieces I knew I’d never be able to put back together.

When I chanced a look at her face, it was my undoing. A single tear fell from her eye, down the side of her face. I turned mine away, pounding inside her. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to console her even though I was hurting just as much as she was. But I didn’t. Instead, I turned my head and concentrated on the cushions of the couch. I heard her whimper and I knew it wasn’t because of an impending orgasm.

I shook my head, righting my thoughts, concentrating on my orgasm, which felt like it was a million miles away.

I wanted this to be rough. I wanted this to be detached. There was nothing between us now but a physical connection. And I wasn’t going to let her forget it.

I pulled out, grabbing her around the hips and turning her over. I spanked her ass just before I thrust back inside. My palms pressed down on her back, keeping her in place. I was unsure if I was hurting her. Unsure of how I was ever going to forgive myself for this, but it was the only way to keep my sanity.

Grace reached out and gripped the edge of the couch, her knuckles white with the strength of her grip, and then she turned her head. And I saw it. She was biting her bottom lip.

She liked it. She liked this. Despite everything going on. The betrayal. The distance between us. She wanted this. And like the asshole I was, it only revved me up again.

She muttered a slew of yes’s under her breath, and from that point on it didn’t take much for me to find my stride. My orgasm crested just as I felt the ripple of her core against my cock, and then it hit me, and with one last thrust I seated myself fully inside her and let my body absorb the wave of pleasure.

I fell forward, my head finding her back as I tried to regulate my breathing. When I finally moved, she scrambled off the couch, picking up her clothes and throwing them back on in a hurry. She didn’t look at me. She didn’t speak. Instead, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed for the door. But with one foot over the threshold she stopped and turned.

My chest seized when I noticed more tears streaming down her cheeks. I had to look away and I let my head fall back against the couch.

This room was my sacred space. This room was where I watched epic romances and tragic losses. This was the place where I watched history unfold and scenes that would stay with me until the day I died. And I had a very bad feeling that, moving forward, the only thought that would stay with me was Grace and the image of her walking out that door, never to return.

When I looked up again, she was gone, and so was my heart.

She’d led me to believe that love was possible, and I had believed it. For a short time, she’d pulled the wool over my eyes.

When in fact it was all a sick joke.

I’d learned a long time ago that even love wasn’t enough to make someone give a shit. In fact, love was the last thing in the world that would make me worthy of being someone’s number one.

He’d ruined me.

And I’d let him do it, despite my better judgment.

It had been a week since Ben and I had last seen each other. And now that our best friends were engaged, I hoped for my sanity, for my heart, that the next time we saw each other would be at the wedding, probably a year from now.

When I heard the knock on my front door at half past seven Monday morning, I shook off the sadness that had become a second skin, putting a smile on to face Everly.

As soon as I opened the door, I blurted out, “Let me see it.”

Everly had a grin on her face wider than I’d ever seen. “You’ve already seen it but…okay.” She held out her hand, the sparkle on her ring finger almost blinding.

“I haven’t seen it on you.” I grabbed her extended hand and pulled it up, the diamonds practically blinding me.

I had been the first person she’d called after Max popped the question. It had been two a.m. Because Max’s idea of getting engaged included a getaway to California, where he’d proposed at the Marker in San Francisco.

“Everly, it’s even more beautiful on your finger.”

“I know, right.” She held out her hand, admiring the ring, but then she retreated, pulling her hand away. “Are you sure we should be doing this here?” She peeked around me, looking for Sadie. “I feel bad being so happy when she…”

I laid my hand on her shoulder and guided her inside. “She’s still sleeping, and Sadie wouldn’t want you to stifle your happiness because of her.”

We walked into the kitchen and I grabbed a coffee mug out of the cupboard and poured Everly a cup.

“How is she doing?”

To be honest, I had no idea. She’d barely spoken, was avoiding the cops at every turn, and I just didn’t know how to get through to her.

“I’m not sure how to handle this, Evs.”

Sadie wasn’t the only thing in my life I didn’t know how to handle. I had avoided work all week, but Colette had finally sent me an email and had made it perfectly clear that she wanted to see me this morning for an overdue discussion.

I was not looking forward to it, but knew it had to happen. I would go in there with my head held high and take my punishment. I had no doubt I’d be let go. What other option did she have?

“She’s going to need help,” Everly said after taking a sip of her coffee. “A trauma counselor. A shrink. Someone other than you.”

“She’s not even talking to me.” We’d spent the last few days cooped up in the apartment together. Sadie sleeping off her meds and me watching over her, waiting for her to tell me what had happened.

“But after I get fired this morning, I’ll have lots of time on my hands to get her into a program or something.”

“You’re not going to get fired.” Everly leaned across the counter and rested her hand on mine, her left hand sparkling brilliantly. Her entire being was happy even when she tried to be sad. She couldn’t help it. And I didn’t blame her. I’d be the same if I had found my happily ever after.

“You weren’t there. You didn’t see the look on Colette’s face. Like someone had shot her puppy. And Ben didn’t make things…”

I hadn’t told Everly that Ben had been at the party with me. I hadn’t told her at all about what had gone on between us, because I never thought it would have escalated into something worth talking about.

I was horribly wrong.

“Ben was with you?” She sipped her coffee. I could practically hear her brain working, like some high-powered machine.

“It was a mistake, and not something that will be repeated.”

“I’m worried about you.” Everly sat back in her seat, her hands still clasped on the counter, fiddling with her ring. “And I’m worried about Ben. He’s been at our place all week, a moping mess, which now makes sense.”

So he felt just as shitty as I did. Shouldn’t that make me feel better?

“You don’t need to worry about me.” I wiped the counter with my fingers, working out a smudge on the surface. “I went into this with my eyes wide open.”

I snorted on the inside. My eyes had been wide open and yet I still managed to walk into a perfectly constructed brick wall.

“You’re right. I’m sure you knew exactly what you were doing.” Everly waved her hand then picked up her coffee mug. “You said yourself you know how to keep yourself separate. I had no clue what I was doing with Max, and you gave me great advice, even though I totally didn’t listen.” She laughed, her eyes casting off as she sighed contentedly. Probably without even knowing she was doing it. “I’m sure that’s exactly what you did with Ben.”

I stared blankly across the table. My best friend was so trusting. So loving. So fucking naive, because she’d believed every word I’d said. And it had all been a lie.

“Grace?” Everly kicked out her chair and sidled up to me. “What’s wrong?”

Tears rolled down my face, and I sobbed, a hot, shaking mess.

“I’m sorry, Evs.” I choked back more tears. “I lied to you.”

“What are you talking about?” She was rubbing my back now, gentle counterclockwise circles that did nothing to soothe my conscience.

“I told you that I kept everything detached, but it’s not true. It was tough to do. And sometimes I didn’t want to.” I stared up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. I had kept the truth hidden because I didn’t want her to think less of me. Telling her now might turn out exactly as I had feared, exactly why I hadn’t told her in the first place.

“Some of my clients were good people just looking for companionship. I had one who was an army vet. A paraplegic. He barely left the house. He was attractive and had his whole life ahead of him, but being confined to a wheelchair was killing him. He couldn’t have sex. He thought he wouldn’t be able to find a wife who’d be all right with not having sex with her husband. I’d go to his place every week. He was a great guy and we talked. A lot. It wasn’t all about sex.”

Everly rested her head against mine. The brown flyaway strands of her hair tickled my face. “You could have told me that.”

“I didn’t want you to think less of me. I didn’t want you to think that I…liked it.”

“Grace.” She grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward her. “Even if you did like being an escort, I wouldn’t have cared. I love you. No matter what.”

My eyes overflowed with more tears that streaked my cheeks. I sucked in a breath and wiped them away.

“Was I a bad friend?” Everly asked. Worry had crept its way to her face. “Did I not support you enough? Did you think I wouldn’t approve?”

I grabbed her hands, pulling them down to the counter and holding her stare. “Everly. You are the best friend I’ve ever had. No matter what I tell you, you’ve never judged me. But you always make the right decisions, and despite knowing the reasons behind why I did what I did, I was terrified that you’d finally realize how screwed up my choices were and we’d lose…us.”

“Never.” She pulled me into a hug, squeezing me so tight I could barely breath.

“It wasn’t all just sex with Ben.” I sniffed against her shoulder and did my best to wiggle out of her embrace so I could look her in the eye. “Somehow, he made me feel like I could be myself. Like I didn’t have to hide. And because of him, because he gave me that safe space, I found myself again.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you broke your own rules and things with Ben got…emotional?” I’d never seen a more surprised look on her face. “Because I hate to tell you this, but I know Ben, and I know how much you want your happily ever after, and…I don’t think he can give it to you.”

“I know that.” I spat out the words. Everly had been a little harsh in her opinion, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Everly wasn’t mean. She was practical, and she’d cut a dude if he ever hurt me. So I was going to have to tread carefully when it came to telling her about Ben. “He might not be my forever, but I will never forget what he did for me, even if he never knows it.”

She leaned back, her arms flopping down to her sides. “You love him.”

After a moment, I nodded. “He doesn’t know how to open his heart. And I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me. And I especially can’t be with a man who isn’t able to commit.”

I couldn’t fix Ben, but I knew I could fix my career. It was just a matter of facing the music and returning to my original plan. I’d go back into business for myself. As long as Colette didn’t decide to tell everyone what she knew about my former occupation.

I’d always thought word of mouth was the best way to get business, but not when the word of mouth was trash talk.

Everly let me cry on her shoulder a little longer, and when my tears had dried up, she kissed me on top of my head and said she’d call me later to get the details about my meeting with Colette.

I redid my makeup and made my way to Elle Cosmetics. It took me three tries to finally get the courage to knock on Colette’s office door. After her, “Come in,” I opened the door and stepped inside.

She immediately stopped what she was doing. “We’re overdue for a conversation.”

I nodded, walking closer to the desk then taking the seat opposite her. She looked tired. Her red hair was pulled back tight into a ponytail and her blouse had a stain on it. This was definitely not the same woman who’d hired me. This one was wrestling with something. And I felt guilty that I had contributed to that.

“I really appreciate you giving me the time off. Truly. My friend was in the hospital and I just needed a few days to get her settled and able to take care of herself.”

I couldn’t tell if she believed me. I didn’t know if she thought that every word out of my mouth was a lie, considering…

“It was actually for the best. I needed some time to…just go over everything that happened.” She pushed away the papers in front of her. “I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it and I wonder…” I could tell she wanted to ask me something, but was afraid.

There was no question in this world that I hadn’t already been asked.

“Go ahead.” I settled back in my seat, bracing myself for the worst. “Ask whatever you want.”

It took her a few moments to bolster the courage to get out the words. “Was Ken’s referral because he was your…”

She didn’t have to finish her sentence for me to recoil in shock. “Absolutely not.” Colette visibly breathed a sigh of relief. “I met him during a symposium at school. He gave me his card and said if I ever wanted to talk employment to give him a call. That’s all.”

For the first time since I’d walked in, Colette’s shoulders were perpendicular to the floor. “I just wish you had told me. I don’t like being in the dark. I don’t like surprises. Especially ones that give my brother a one-up.”

I didn’t blame her. Scott was a manipulative, entitled jerk.

“It’s not information you go around volunteering, but I wouldn’t blatantly lie about it. If you had asked me point-blank, I would have confirmed it, and I just want you to know…”

I liked Colette, as a person and as a boss, and I felt awful that the information had come out the way that it had. But I knew my place. I would soon be walking out that door for the last time. And I was going to go out on my own terms and with a clear conscience.

“I’m not ashamed of my choice. I needed to help my family. I needed to pay for school. If I could go back, maybe I wouldn’t make the same decision. But it is what it is, and I did what I had to do.”

Colette nodded, apparently still at a loss for words.

“It’s for the best that I won’t be working here anymore. I just ask that when you tell everyone that I was let go, you keep the reason to yourself. I know I may not deserve it, but I hope you can extend me that one last kindness.”

“I read your report,” Colette blurted.

“Oh…kay.” I hadn’t expected to talk about business. I actually hadn’t expected to talk at all. I figured there would be yelling on her part. So this was unexpected.

“And I fired my brother.”

My grip tightened on the arms of the chair. “I’m sorry, what?”

If a dog walked up to me and started talking, I would be less surprised than I was at this moment.

“He’s redundant in a professional capacity, not to mention a complete nightmare in every other capacity.”

I had to stifle my laugh, because it wasn’t the time or place.

“I just wanted to tell you that.” Her face lightened, as if saying the words aloud had smoothed out the wrinkles at the sides of her eyes and on her forehead.

“Thank you.” I wasn’t sure what to make of this turn of conversation. I hadn’t expected Scott to face repercussions for his actions. Although I still had the sinking feeling that losing his job wouldn’t help him learn his lesson.

“Look, Grace, I like you. You did great work. And did it quickly. You did exactly what I asked of you, which is more than I can say for some of the employees that have worked here for years.” Colette had begun scratching her thumbnail on the edge of her desk. In all the time I’d known her, she wasn’t one to offer signs of nervousness or weakness. But right now, she was doing both. “I don’t want to get rid of you. I just don’t know how to proceed.”

That made two of us. I had been so content working for Colette. Having a steady paycheck. Making friends. I had thought I’d figured it all out. But at the end of the day, it seemed I’m better off flying under the radar.

“I think it’s best if we part ways. There’s really no reason for me to stay on.”

Except for the fact that I need a damn job.

“It’s the most logical decision,” Colette said. “But now that it’s been said out loud, I’m not so sure.”

I appreciated her confidence in me, but in the long run, it would only serve to cause trouble with the rest of her employees, and maybe even clients. Leaving was everyone’s best option.

I stood, and Colette followed suit, extending her hand.

“Thank you, Colette. For the opportunity. For…understanding.”

She simply nodded.

I had come here to say my piece. And I had. But it didn’t make me feel any better.

Just last week I’d been happy. I had a job I loved and a man who understood and accepted me just as I was. Funny how in such little time that happiness had been blown to smithereens.

Deviating from my original plan had made me happy for a short time, but the detour had only proven that
normal
was never going to apply to me. I needed to refrain from making long-term connections, and most importantly, I needed to throw my naive idea of a happily ever after out the window.