Redeeming Justice (37 page)

Some part of Alex was surprised that neither of them had spoken up about today as
it got closer. In the past, their way of dealing with it was to set aside the maudlin
anniversary for remembrance and male bonding. Why hadn’t they said anything this time?

Snorting with unease, Alex knew the answer before the question was fully formed. They’d
seen what was going on between him and Meghan and probably hoped he’d forget altogether.
Drae especially had been urging him for some time to let the past go once and for
all. What some saw as unemotional and cold when it came to Draegyn’s attitude was
actually his analytical side. He had a logical mind that gave him a leg up on those
who ran on emotion and instinct. As far as he was concerned, the past couldn’t be
altered or changed. Acceptance with a big dollop of
get the fuck over it
was his answer.

Well, there was nothing for him to do now except wallow in his self-imposed hell and
find a way forward. He’d have to have some answers before they showed up to confront
him. Though he didn’t have a clue how he was going to deal with the shit storm he’d
unleashed, Alex knew one thing for sure. Meghan was the deal breaker. Whatever he
decided, she was going to be affected by the outcome.

Mid-afternoon, Drae and Cam slowly made their way into the residential neighborhood
where Alex’s grandparents had lived. After they got on the road and headed toward
the city, Drae contacted Betty and had gotten her to give up the address. By the time
he’d made the call and heard the agency’s office manager’s concerned voice on the
phone, he knew that word of Alex’s outburst had spread through the core of Family
Justice.

It wasn’t any kind of a surprise when they’d turned down the street indicated on their
GPS and found Alex’s truck parked in the driveway at his grandparents’ home.

“Okay. What’s our plan,” Cam asked Drae as they parked and eyed the property. Concern
dripped from every word.

Drae exhaled on a deep sigh and said, “Balls to the wall, man. This is a big one.
Dad’s got a case of itchy conscience. We probably should have been prepared for this.
It was bound to happen eventually.”

“Fuck my life,” Cam muttered as he struggled to pull a backpack from behind them in
the truck cab. “You take the lead. I’m going to hold back and slap a tracking sensor
on his damn truck so if he decides to tear off again, we’ll be able to follow his
sorry ass.”

“Smart move. What else you have in that bag of tricks? Don’t suppose there’s a tranquilizer
dart gun?” Drae’s mocking question got them both laughing.

“Fuck the tranquilizers,” Cam chuckled. “If he’s a surly confrontational bastard,
I’ll just knock him out. Would serve him right.”

“Well, if it comes to that, hit him twice. I still owe the son-of-a-bitch for cold
cocking me the morning my charming wife disappeared.”

“Alright,” Cam said briskly. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Levering out of the massive truck, they made their way to the front door with Cam
inconspicuously pausing near Alex’s vehicle as he pressed a sensor into the wheel
well. They must have looked like undercover cops the way they surveyed the front of
the house with Cam keeping watch on the street as Drae pounded on the front door.

“Open up, Alex. You have till the count of ten then we break the door down.”

Both men were slightly shocked when the door immediately opened. “Settle down boys,”
Alex complained. “The neighbors will think this is a home invasion if you keep barking
like that.”

Once inside the house Cam dropped the backpack he carried on a table as Alex calmly
closed the door and turned toward them. Drae was already assessing the situation with
shrewd eyes and his arms crossed decisively across his chest.

Alex frowned at them and sniped in a warning tone. “I’m not drunk or in any need of
intervention so ease off and back down.”
Shit
, he thought as he stomped away from the disapproving glare of his brothers to throw
himself onto a sofa in the living room. He fucking hated the very idea of the conversation
they were about to have.

“It took you long enough,” he muttered as Cam and Drae followed and sat opposite him
in two easy chairs. “Figured you’d be here hours ago.”

“Yeah,” Cam answered drily. “Well, we had some damage control to do at home before
we could traipse after your miserable ass.”

Alex tensed at the obvious taunt meant to remind him that the scene he’d caused had
ramifications for them all.

Drae got in the next swipe. “How much bullshit do we have to wade through before you
spit out what the hell is going on? I’ve got a pregnant wife texting me every half
hour demanding answers. Don’t know what’s worse. That or you and this sorry charade.”

Ah, the cold analytical dickhead
. Why not? Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked away from the censure
in the man’s eyes.

“And that,” Cam chuckled, “would be the elephant in the room. You’re up Dad. Better
make this good or you’ll have
two
unhappy pregnant women to fend off.”

Scraping his hand against his scalp, Alex sat forward and stared at the two men. “I
fucked up.”

“How do you figure?” Drae asked. “And make the answer actually part of the problem.
Don’t distract me with nonsense, Alex.”

He shrugged and shook his head. It was too late for nonsense, and they all knew it.
“Forgetting wasn’t something I’d ever imagined would be possible, but I had. Forgotten,
that is.” Sighing, he fell back on the sofa and covered his eyes with a hand before
rubbing it against his beard. When it fell away, he kept his eyes closed but let the
rest of it come rushing out of his mouth.

“Had that fucking dream. You know the one. Damn nightmare is on some sort of programmed
loop in my head. Anyway, it shook me up. Habit got me into the office and when my
computer fired up the first thing I saw was the date and a list of the dead. It was
like throwing gasoline on a fire.” He paused, remembering the violent outburst that
followed. “It was pretty bad, huh?” he asked next.

Cam answered calmly, “Yep. Looked like a smash and grab, dude.”

“You’re a fucking masochist Alex.
Seriously
. Why the hell would you set up that grisly reminder to appear on your computer?”
Drae sounded like he was reeling in his temper but Alex got the message loud and clear.
He’d done this to himself.

“You know, I was right there with you for the longest time, man. Letting the past
fuck with my head, thinking I had to embrace the suck and live a half life because
of all the shit in my past,” Cam said offering a surprising glimpse into his former
mindset.

“Yeah, man,” Drae added. “We’ve all been there done that shit, Alex. Dragging that
crap along only shackles us to the past.”

Alex knew what they were getting at, but there was one huge difference. “It’s different
for me. You were both dealing with family shit. Stuff you didn’t ask for.”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Drae muttered. “This again.”

Shooting his brother a glare that spoke volumes, Alex hit out at him verbally. “I
made choices and people died. It’s not about anything being done
to
me. It’s about what I did. What I didn’t do.”

His mind worked overtime on one word – control. Unlike Drae and Cam who had been victims
more or less of some ugly family shit, Alex had been in control of his circumstance.
While none of it was anything he would have chosen, taking orders and giving them
was the deciding factor and that was the thing he could never forget.

“For fuck’s sake Alex. This is getting old. I know you think you had some sort of
control over what went on then, but you didn’t. None of us did. Shit happened. People
died. Was it all wrong?
Fuck yeah
it was. But we didn’t ask for anything that happened in that goddamn war. We were
playing by immoral rules dictated by bad guys and circumstance. That you feel so strongly
about something totally out of
anyone’s
control is testament to the honorable man you are. Can’t that be enough for you?”
Drae was almost yelling, his voice choked with bitter emotion.

Alex jumped up from the sofa and stalked to the front window. “I forgot!” he barked.
“Don’t you get it?
Fuck
,” he roared, pain and regret booming in the silence. “If I can forget, what’s that
say? That all those people died for nothing? That nobody remembers the horror?”

“Dude,” Cam interjected. “That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it? For the
first time,
like ever
, you were happy. It was no half life you were living. You’re human and that red-haired
spitfire brought you back to life. About time, I should add.”

It took a mental count of ten for Alex to compose himself before responding. “What’s
it say about me that someone who’s
passing through
pushed me so far from center?”

“She’s doing a whole lot more than passing through, Alex. Are you blind?” Drae shook
his head and scowled at him. “Please tell me you weren’t dumb enough to move her lock,
stock, and barrel into your bed on a whim.”

“Shut up, Drae,” Alex snapped. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You spend your days in a cave with my wife
who it should be noted, I married on a drunken tear in Vegas. Want to try telling
me again that I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’m the fucking master of denial,
and if I recall correctly, that particular ass hat was bestowed on me by Cam who had
the distinction of wearing it first.”

“Meghan’s not the issue, Lieutenant,” Alex barked at Drae. The energy in the room
was so intense it was ringing in his ears.

“Fuck you, Major because she
so
is.”

Alex felt like a caged animal. This was about him, not some woman he was sleeping
with. Without realizing it, his wincing expression at the way he’d just categorized
her place in his life did not go unnoticed by his brothers.

“Alright you two. That’s enough,” Cam cut in. “Let’s get to some sort of wrap-up here.
Alex is beating himself up. He says it’s not about having fallen for a woman. And
we disagree. Does that pretty much sum it up?”

Alex almost took issue with the words
fallen for a woman
, but wisely shut up. He didn’t want to compound his moral failings with a bitter
lie.

“Okay then,” Cam continued when nobody said anything. “Where do we go from here?”

“Go home, Alex,” Drae muttered through a clenched jaw. “Go home and fix this mess
before you lose your chance to actually be a man and not some whiney pussy with an
overly active conscience.”

He wasn’t ready to do any of that. The thought of facing Meghan made ice settle in
the pit of his stomach. Alex was so thrown by how quickly her presence in his life
had turned everything upside down that he knew thinking clearly wasn’t an option.
But this was different from when Tori and Lacey had appeared in their lives. Each
of them came to the Villa on long-term status. Meghan was, by her own words, passing
through. When she left and went on with her life, he’d have nothing. Not even the
enormous shit pile of guilt and mindful penance he wallowed in. Today was an example
of what that actually meant.

Making a swift decision, Alex informed Cam and Drae, “I’ll be back tomorrow. There’s
still some shit I have to get straight in my head.”

Cam went and put his hand on Alex’s shoulder and gave a small squeeze. “Look, we’ll
stay with you man. We’re in this together, and it wasn’t all that long ago when you
said something similar to me.”

Alex shook his head but managed a weak smile. “No, I’ve got this Cam, but thanks for
the offer. You two have wives and shit to deal with. Best to get moving so you can
be home before dark. Don’t worry about me.”

Although he should have seen it coming, Alex wasn’t prepared when Drae with all his
cut to the chase charm went for his throat. “What should we tell Meghan? She’s pretty
upset and confused.”

Alex inwardly cringed at the censure in his brother’s eyes. “Tell her…” He didn’t
have any clue what to say next.

“Yeah?”

“On second thought, don’t tell her anything. No use in spoiling her vacation with
a lot of garbage that she didn’t sign on for.”

Drae’s face told him if he could have smacked him upside the head right then, he would
have. Alex knew he was coming to a series of conclusions that the other two men wouldn’t
like or support but so be it. Meghan’s whole life was ahead of her while his had pretty
much been shot to hell years ago. She was on a magnificent adventure, and he was just
a way station on that journey. Best to cut the cord quickly and neatly. No messages.
No pretensions of false hope.