Regretting You (40 page)

“Because it did,” I say.

“You just said it didn’t.”

“Because it doesn’t,” I say.

Clara lets out a short defeated laugh. “You’re confusing me.”

I urge her off my shoulder and turn in my seat a little so that we’re facing each other. I take one of her hands in both of mine. “Your father was a great father to you. But as a husband, he made some shitty choices. No one can be the perfect everything.”

“But he just
seemed
so perfect.”

The betrayal in her eyes saddens me. I don’t want her to go through life with this memory of Chris. I squeeze her hand. “I think that’s the problem. Teenagers think their parents should have it all figured out, but the truth is, adults don’t really know how to navigate life any better than teenagers do. Your father made some big mistakes, but the things he did wrong in his life shouldn’t discredit all the things he did right. Same goes for your aunt Jenny.”

A tear spills out of Clara’s right eye. She wipes it away quickly. “Most mothers would want their daughters to hate their fathers for doing what Dad did.”

“I’m not most mothers.”

Clara’s head falls back against the red velvet chair, and she looks up toward the ceiling. She laughs as tears continue rolling into her hair. “Thank God for that.”

It wasn’t a direct compliment, but it makes me feel good, nonetheless.

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to judge me?” she asks.

“Of course.”

She tilts her head toward me, and there’s a trace of guilt in her expression. “I was sitting in Miller’s truck with him after school one day. It was before he broke up with his girlfriend. I wanted him to kiss me so bad, Mom. And I would have let him if he tried, which is what bothers me so much. I knew he had a girlfriend at the time, and I would have let him kiss me anyway. Now that I know what Dad and Aunt Jenny did, it worries me that being capable of an affair is a personality trait,
and I got that from Dad. What if it’s some kind of inheritable moral weakness?” She looks back up at the ceiling. “What if I cheat on Miller someday and break his heart like Dad and Aunt Jenny broke yours?”

I hate that she thinks this. That she’s questioning herself. Sometimes Clara asks questions I can’t answer, and I’m scared this may be one of them.

But then I think about Jonah and the connection I had with him when we were younger. Maybe talking to Clara about that is a bad idea, but this parenting shit didn’t come with a handbook.

“I had a moment like that once. I was your age, and I was in a pool with Jonah.”

Clara suddenly turns her head to look at me, but I keep staring up at the ceiling while I talk.

“We didn’t kiss, but I wanted it to happen. I was dating your father at the time, and Jonah and Jenny had their thing, but when I looked at him in that moment, it’s like a wall lifted and blocked everything else out. It isn’t that I didn’t care about Jenny or Chris—it’s just that in that moment, I only cared about the way it felt to be looked at like that. The attraction I had for Jonah in that moment left me with blinders on. And I think he felt the same way.”

“Is that why he broke up with Jenny and moved away?” Clara asks.

I tilt my head and look at her. “Yes,” I say with complete honesty.

“Is that why you were so mad when he was back in Aunt Jenny’s life?”

I nod. “Yeah, but I didn’t realize it at the time. I never acknowledged I even had feelings for him until recently. I never would have done that to Jenny.”

Clara frowns, and I hate seeing that look on her face. The look of realizing that someone so important to her could do something so terrible. The fear that she might be capable of doing the same thing someday.

I sigh and look back up at the ceiling. “I’ve had more time to mull over all of this than you have, so maybe I can share some of the wisdom that was born from all my anger. Think of it like this. Attraction isn’t something that only happens once, with one person. It’s part of what drives humans. Our attraction to each other, to art, to food, to entertainment. Attraction is fun. So when you decide to commit to someone, you aren’t saying,
‘I promise I’ll never be attracted to anyone else.’
You’re saying,
‘I promise to commit to you, despite my potential future attraction to other people.’
” I look at Clara. “Relationships are hard for that very reason. Your body and your heart don’t stop finding the beauty and the attraction in other people simply because you’ve made a commitment to one person. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re drawn to someone else, it’s up to you to remove yourself from that situation before it becomes too hard to fight.”

“Like Jonah did?”

I nod. “Yeah. Exactly like that.”

Clara stares at me a moment. “Dad couldn’t remove himself from the situation with Jenny because she was always around. Maybe that’s why it happened.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s still not an excuse, though.”

“You’re right. It’s not.”

She lays her head back on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head, but she doesn’t see the tears that begin to roll down my cheeks. It just feels so good to finally have this conversation with her. It feels good to know that my daughter is a lot more emotionally equipped for the truth than I assumed she was.

“All the stuff I’ve done—it’s not Miller’s fault. He just tried to be there for me. I don’t want you to hate him.”

She doesn’t need to convince me anymore. When I found out he tried to talk her out of having sex with him, I stopped hating him. And
then when he apologized to me tonight, I actually started to like him. “I don’t hate him. I actually kind of like him. I’d like him
more
if he never sneaks into your room again. But I do like him.”

“He won’t,” she says. “I swear.”

“Mrs. Nettle will tell on you, anyway.”

She lifts her head. “Is that how you found out?”

“Sometimes it pays to have the nosiest neighbor alive.”

Clara laughs, but when she sees my tears, her smile fades. I wave it off. “They’re good tears. I promise.”

She shakes her head. “My God. We have been
so
mean to each other.”

I nod in agreement. “I didn’t think we had it in us.”

“You grounded me from reading
books
,” she says, laughing.

“You called me predictable.”

“Well, you definitely proved me wrong.”

Somehow, we’re both smiling. I’m appreciative she took the news so well. I realize her feelings could change again tomorrow. She’ll go through a lot of emotions, I’m sure. But for right now, I’m grateful to have this moment with her.

Maybe that’s something I need to learn to cherish a little more. Our relationship isn’t always going to be sunshine and roses, but whenever there’s a break in the storm, I need to take advantage of those breaks. No matter what mood I’m in or what’s going on in my own life, I need to bask in these moments of sunshine with Clara.

“Can we start with a clean slate? Like . . . can we just forget the weed and the detention and the alcohol and the skipping school? I really want my phone back.”

“That’s not all you did wrong,” I say.

“I know, but I was running out of breath. The list is
really
long.”

Despite everything she’s gone through, I’m still convinced she needs to be grounded. But she’s not the only one who wants to start with a clean slate. I’m not exactly proud of my own behavior.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you back your phone if you promise to stop making fun of me for preferring cable TV over streaming.”

Clara stares at me very seriously. “Oh, man. I don’t know . . .”

“Clara!”

She laughs. “Fine. Deal.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

CLARA

My mother and I walk out of the theater holding hands. Miller is at the far end of the hallway, emptying a trash can. My mother doesn’t see him, but I do. Right before we turn to walk toward the exit, Miller smiles at me.

This moment isn’t even about me and him, but there’s something about the way he’s looking at me right now that feels like he might have just fallen in love with me.

I smile back at him, knowing I’ll remember this three-second silent exchange forever.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

MORGAN

This morning when I woke up, it was the first day since the accident that our house wasn’t filled with tension. I was up studying real estate terms for my upcoming job interview, and Clara hugged me before she rushed out the door with a Pop-Tart.

After school, she texted and said she was working on her film project with Miller. Whether she’s telling the truth, I don’t know. But she’s seventeen. She has a curfew, so as long as she meets it, I’m not going to press her for details on what she and Miller do when they’re together. I already know she’s on birth control, and I’m pretty sure they’re not actively having sex, thanks to her drunken admission.

I’ll bring it up soon, but when the timing is right. I want to ease into this new dynamic we have. If I jar her too much, she might pull back again, and that’s the last thing I want.

I invited Jonah over for dinner. It was nice. We sat at the breakfast nook and took turns feeding Elijah, laughing at his excitement over trying new foods.

Elijah is now on a pallet on the living room floor, playing with a couple of baby toys Jonah set out for him.

Jonah and I are on the couch. He’s lying against the arm of it, his legs spread out to fit me between them. My back is against his chest, and we’re both watching Elijah play on the floor.

Jonah’s left arm is draped over my stomach, and every now and then he’ll press a kiss against the side of my head as we chat. The more he does it, the more used to it I get and the less guilt I feel. I want him to keep doing it until I finally feel no guilt at all. I think that’ll take a few more months, though.

I sigh at that thought, so naturally, Jonah says, “What’s wrong?”

“I just worry too much, I think. I worry that their betrayal will cause us to never fully trust each other.”

“I’m not worried.” He says it with such confidence.

“Why?”

“Because. We’ve never been with the person we belonged with until now.”

I tilt my head back so I can see him. Then I kiss him for that.

He brushes his thumb over my lip and regards me with a serene look. I’m not sure it’s a look I’ve ever seen emanate from Jonah Sullivan. He’s spent a long time fighting something he no longer has to fight, and the peace within him shows. “We’ll be fine, Morgan. More than fine. I promise.”

The front door opens, and Jonah and I both react. Clara wasn’t supposed to be home for another hour. I sit up on the couch, and Jonah pulls his legs out from under me.

Clara pauses in the doorway, staring at us. Then she closes the door. “You don’t have to pretend anymore.” She drops her purse and walks over to the floor. She sits down next to Elijah.

Jonah looks at me, silently asking if they should leave. Clara sees the look he gives me. She reaches for Elijah and picks him up, leaning with
her back against the couch opposite from us. “Stay,” she says to Jonah while looking at Elijah. “I want to play with him for a little while.”

Jonah and I are silent as we watch her. We don’t know what mood to expect. Last night was good between us, and so was this morning. But we haven’t confronted this thing between me and Jonah with her yet. I’m not sure we’re ready to, because Jonah and I haven’t even really confronted it.

Clara is holding Elijah, trying to get him to repeat sounds she’s making.

“Has he said any words yet?” she asks, looking up at Jonah.

“Not yet. It’ll be a few more months before he can do that.”

Clara looks down at Elijah and starts making more sounds. “Can you say
Dada
?”

He kicks his legs against her stomach, bouncing and making random noises. Then, to our astonishment, he repeats her. He says it so perfectly that no one moves a muscle because I think we’re all doubting what we heard.

Then Jonah says, “Did he just . . .”

Clara nods. “I think he did.”

Jonah leaves the couch and sits down next to Clara on the floor. He’s too young to be repeating words willingly, but I move closer to them anyway in case he does it again. I sit on the floor on the other side of Clara.

She repeats herself. “Dada?” She tries to get Elijah to mimic the sound again, but he just makes lots of other sounds instead. I know it was a fluke, but the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

Clara tilts Elijah so that he’s facing Jonah. “There’s your dada, right there,” she says.

I don’t know if it’s hearing Clara refer to Jonah as Elijah’s dad that does it, or hearing the word come out of Elijah’s mouth, but Jonah’s eyes begin to spill over with tears.

As soon as I see the first tear roll down his cheek,
I
start to cry.

Clara looks at Jonah, then looks at me, then back at Jonah. “Great. I thought I was done with the tears.”

Now
she’s
crying.

I watch Clara, and even though she’s crying, she’s playing with Elijah with a smile on her face. Then she does something unexpected. She sighs and leans her head on Jonah’s shoulder.

It may not seem like much to her, but it means the world to me. The gesture is more than any words could ever be worth.

It’s her telling him she’s sorry. Sorry for what Chris did to him. Sorry for thinking it was our fault.

That one little move makes me cry even harder. I think it makes Jonah cry harder, too, because as soon as she pulls her head from his shoulder, he’s looking the other way, trying to hide it.

Elijah is the only one who isn’t crying out of the four of us.

“Wow,” Jonah says, blowing out a breath. He uses his shirt to wipe at his eyes. “We’re such a mess.”

“The messiest,” Clara says.

We all sit on the floor like that for a while, playing with Elijah. Laughing at the faces he makes. Laughing when he laughs. Trying to get him to say
Dada
again, but he doesn’t.

“What are you going to tell Elijah about all of this?” Clara asks.

“The truth,” Jonah says.

Clara nods. “Good. The truth is always the best choice.” She kisses Elijah on the cheek. “I’ve always wanted a little brother. Maybe in a more conventional way, but this will do.”