Reminders of Him (21 page)

He isn’t able to push into me with ease. It’s a slow, almost painful experience. I move my mouth to his shoulder as he makes gentle progress.

When he’s all the way inside me, I drop my head back to the pillow because the pain transforms into pleasure. He slowly pulls out and then pushes back into me with a little more force. He exhales sharply, and his breath falls over my shoulder, tickling my skin.

I lift my hips, opening myself up to him even more, and he shoves into me again.

“Kenna.” I can barely open my eyes and look at him. His lips graze mine and he whispers, “This is too good.
Fuck.
Fuck, I have to stop.” He pulls out of me, and when he does, I whimper. It’s an immediate emptiness I wasn’t prepared for. Ledger remains on top of me and slides two fingers inside of me, so I don’t even have time to complain before I’m moaning again. He kisses the spot just below my ear. “I’m sorry, but I won’t last long when I’m back inside you.”

I don’t even care. I just want him to keep doing what he’s doing with his hand. I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him down. I want all his weight pressed against me.

He slides his thumb up the center of me, and it sends such an intense jolt through me, I end up biting his shoulder. He groans when my teeth clamp onto his skin, and his groan brings me right over the edge.

Our mouths meet in a frantic kiss, and he swallows my moans while he finishes me off. I’m still trembling beneath his touch when he thrusts into me again. The waves of my orgasm are still rolling through me when he lifts up onto his knees and grips my waist, pulling me to meet each thrust.

God, he’s beautiful. The muscles in his arms flex with each roll of his hips. He pulls one of my legs up to his shoulder. We make eye contact for a few seconds, and then he turns his head and runs his tongue up my leg.

I wasn’t expecting that. I want him to do it again, but he shoves my leg aside and lowers himself on top of me again.

We’re at a different angle now, and he’s somehow able to stab into me even deeper. It’s only seconds before he starts to come. He tenses up and drops his weight on me. “Fuck.” He groans and then says, “
Fuck
,” a second time. Then he’s kissing me. Intense kisses at first, but after he pulls out, the kisses grow sweeter. Softer. Slower.

I already want it to happen again, but I need to catch my breath first. Maybe rehydrate. We kiss for a couple of minutes, and it’s so hard to stop because this is the first time we’ve been able to enjoy each other without things coming to an abrupt end.

It doesn’t help that the rain against the windows is creating the perfect backdrop to this moment. I don’t want it to end. I don’t think Ledger does either, because every time I think he’s finished kissing me, he comes back for more.

He does stop eventually, but only long enough to go to the bathroom and dispose of the condom. When he comes back to the bed, he adjusts himself until he’s spooning me, and then he kisses my shoulder.

He threads his fingers through mine and tucks our hands against my stomach. “I wouldn’t mind if we put that on the schedule again for tonight.”

I laugh at the way he phrased that. I don’t know why I find it funny. “Yes. Let’s tell Siri to put it on the calendar for an hour from now,” I tease.

“Hey, Siri!” he yells. Both of our phones go off at the same time. “Schedule sex with Kenna for one hour from now!” I laugh and elbow him, then roll onto my back. He lifts up and smiles down at me. “I’ll last a lot longer the second time. I promise.”

“I probably won’t,” I admit.

Ledger kisses me, and then he buries his head in my hair, tugging me closer to his side.

I stare up at the ceiling for a long time.

Maybe half an hour. Maybe even longer. Ledger’s breathing has evened out, and I’m almost positive he’s asleep.

The rain hasn’t let up at all, but my mind is too active for it to make me sleepy. I hear Ivy meow from the bathroom, so I slip off the mattress and let her out.

She hops onto the couch and curls up into a ball.

I walk to the counter and slide my notebook in front of me. I grab a pen and begin writing a letter to Scotty. It doesn’t take me long. It’s a short letter, but when I finish and close the notebook, I catch Ledger staring at me. He’s on his stomach with his chin resting on his arms.

“What did you write?” he asks.

This is the third time he’s asked me to read him something. This is the first time I feel like conceding.

I open the notebook to the letter I just wrote. I run my finger over Scotty’s name. “You might not like it.”

“Is it the truth?”

I nod.

Ledger points to the empty spot next to him on the bed. “Then I want to hear it. Come here.”

I raise an eyebrow in warning because not everyone can handle the truth as well as they think they can. But he remains steadfast, so I join him on the bed. He rolls onto his back, and I’m sitting cross-legged next to him when I begin to read.

“Dear Scotty,

I had sex with your best friend tonight. I’m not sure that’s something you want to hear. Or maybe it is. I get the feeling if you can hear these letters from wherever you are, you would want me to be happy. And right now, Ledger is the one thing in my life that makes me happy. If it’s any consolation, the sex with him was great, but no one can hold a candle to you.

Love,

Kenna.”

I close the notebook and rest it on my lap. Ledger is quiet for a moment as he stares stoically at the ceiling. “You’re just saying that so you don’t hurt his feelings, right?”

I laugh. “Sure. If that’s what you need to hear.”

He grabs the notebook and tosses it aside; then he wraps an arm around me and pulls me on top of him. “It was good, though, right?”

I press a finger to his lips and drop my mouth to his ear. “The
best
,” I whisper.

At the exact moment I say that, a loud clap of thunder rolls through the sky outside with perfect timing. It’s so loud I can feel it in my stomach.

“Oh shit,” Ledger says with a laugh. “Scotty didn’t like that. You better take it back. Tell him I suck.”

I immediately slide off Ledger and lie on my back. “I’m sorry, Scotty! You’re better than Ledger, I promise!”

We laugh together, but then we both sigh and listen to the rain for a while. Ledger eventually puts a hand on my hip and rolls me toward him. He nips at my bottom lip before kissing my neck. “I feel like I need another opportunity to prove myself.” His kisses move lower and lower until he takes one of my nipples into his mouth.

The second time is much longer, and somehow even better.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

L
EDGER

The kitten slept in Kenna’s arms all night. Maybe it’s weird, but I like watching her with Ivy. She’s affectionate with her. She always makes sure Ivy doesn’t have an opportunity to run outside when she isn’t looking.

It makes me curious how she’ll be with Diem. Because I’m confident I’ll get to witness it someday. It might take us a while to get there, but I’ll find a way. She deserves it and Diem deserves it, and I trust my gut feelings more than my doubts.

I move quietly as I reach for my phone to check the time. It’s almost seven in the morning, and Diem will wake up soon. She’ll notice my truck is gone. I should probably try to get home before they leave for Patrick’s mother’s house. I don’t want to slip out while Kenna is asleep, though. I would feel like an asshole if she woke up alone after last night.

I press a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth, and then I brush her hair out of her face. She begins to move, and moan, and I know she’s just waking up, but her wake-up sounds are very similar to her sex sounds, and now I don’t want to leave. Ever.

She finally gets her eyes open and looks up at me.

“I have to go,” I say quietly. “Can I come back over later?”

She nods. “I’ll be here. I’m off today.” She gives me a closed-lips kiss. “I’ll kiss you better later, but I want to brush my teeth first.”

I laugh and then kiss her cheek. Before I get up, we have this brief moment of eye contact where it feels like she’s thinking something she doesn’t want to say out loud. I stare down at her for a minute, waiting for her to speak, but when she doesn’t, I kiss her on the mouth one more time. “I’ll be back this afternoon.”

I waited too long. Diem and Grace are already awake and in their front yard when I pull onto our street. Diem sees me before Grace does, so she’s already running across the street when I pull into my driveway and kill my truck.

I swing open the door and immediately scoop her up. I kiss the side of Diem’s head right when she wraps herself around me and squeezes my neck. I swear to God, there is nothing even remotely close to a hug from this girl.

A hug from her mother does run a very close second, though.

Grace makes it to my yard a few seconds later. She shoots me a teasing look, as if she knows why I was out all night. She might think she knows, but she wouldn’t be looking at me like this if she had any clue who I was with.

“You look like you didn’t get much sleep,” she says.

“I slept plenty. Get your head out of the gutter.”

Grace laughs and tugs on Diem’s ponytail. “Well, you have perfect timing. She was hoping to say goodbye before we left.”

Diem hugs my neck again. “Don’t forget about me,” she says, loosening her grip so I can set her back down.

“You’ll only be gone one night, D. How could I forget about you?”

Diem scratches her face and says, “You’re old, and old people forget stuff.”

“I am not old,” I say. “Hold on before you go, Grace.” I unlock my front door and head to my kitchen and grab the flowers I bought for her yesterday morning. I haven’t let a Mother’s Day or a Father’s Day pass without getting something for her or Patrick.

She’s been like a mother to me my whole life, so I’d honestly probably still buy her flowers even if Scotty were here.

“Happy Mother’s Day.” I hand them to her, and she acts surprised and delighted and gives me a hug, but I don’t hear her thank-you through the loud regret piercing through me right now.

I forgot today was Mother’s Day.
I woke up next to Kenna this morning and said nothing to her about it. I feel like an asshole.

“I need to put these in water before I go,” Grace says. “Want to buckle Diem into the car for me?”

I grab Diem’s hand and walk them across the street. Patrick is already in the car waiting. Grace walks the flowers into the house, and I open the back door to buckle Diem into her car seat. “What’s Mother’s Day?” she asks me.

“It’s a holiday.” I keep my explanation brief, but Patrick and I trade glances.

“I know. But why are you and NoNo giving Nana flowers for Mother’s Day? You said Robin is your mother.”

“Robin
is
my mother,” I say. “And your grandma Landry is NoNo’s mother. That’s why you’re going to see her today. But on Mother’s Day, if you know a mother that you love, you buy her flowers even if she isn’t your mother.”

Diem crinkles up her nose. “Am I supposed to give
my
mother flowers?” She’s really been working through the whole family tree lately, and it’s cute, but also concerning. She’s eventually going to find out her family tree was once struck by lightning.

Patrick finally chimes in. “We gave your nana her flowers last night, remember?”

Diem shakes her head. “No. I’m talking about my mother that
isn’t
here. The one with the tiny car. Are we supposed to give
her
flowers?”

Patrick and I trade another glance. I’m sure he’s mistaking the pain on my face for discomfort at Diem’s question. I kiss Diem on the forehead just as Grace returns to the car. “Your mother will get flowers,” I say to Diem. “Love you. Tell your grandma Landry I said hello.”

Diem smiles and pats my cheek with her tiny hand. “Happy Mother’s Day, Ledger.”

I back away from the car and tell them to have a safe trip. But as they’re driving away, I feel my heart grow heavier as Diem’s words sink in.

She’s starting to wonder about her mother. She’s starting to worry. And even though Patrick assumed I was just reassuring her by saying Diem’s mother would get flowers, I was actually making her a promise. One I won’t break.

The idea of Kenna going through the entire day today without her motherhood being acknowledged by anyone makes me angry at this whole situation.

I sometimes want to place that blame directly on Patrick and Grace, but that’s not fair either. They’re just doing what they need to do to survive.

It is what it is. A fucked-up situation, with no evil people to blame. We’re all just a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow. Some of us sadder than others. Some of us more willing to forgive than others.

Grudges are heavy, but for the people hurting the most, I suppose forgiveness is even heavier.

I pull up to Kenna’s apartment a few hours later and am halfway to the stairs when I spot her out back. She’s cleaning off the table I lent her
when she notices me. Her eyes fall to the flowers in my hand, and she stiffens. I walk closer to her, but she’s still staring at the flowers. I hand them to her. “Happy Mother’s Day.” I’ve already put the flowers in a vase because I wasn’t sure if she even had one.

Based on the look on her face, I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have bought her flowers. Maybe celebrating Mother’s Day before she’s even met her child is uncomfortable. I don’t know, but I feel like I should have put more thought into this moment.

She takes them from me with hesitation, like she’s never been given a gift before. Then she looks at me, and very quietly, she says, “
Thank
you.” She means it. The way her eyes tear up immediately convinces me bringing them was the right move.

“How was the lunch?”

She smiles. “It was fun. We had fun.” She nudges her head up to her apartment. “You want to come up?”

I follow her upstairs, and once we’re inside her apartment, she tops off the vase with a little more water and sets it on her counter. She’s adjusting the flowers when she says, “What are you doing today?”

I want to say, “
Whatever you’re doing
,” but I don’t know where her head is at after last night. Sometimes things seem good and perfect in the moment, but when you get hours of reflection afterward, the perfection can morph into something else. “I’m heading out to the new house to get some work done on the floors. Patrick and Grace took Diem to his mother’s, so they’ll be gone until tomorrow.”

Kenna is wearing a pink button-up shirt that looks new, and it’s topped over a long, white, flowy skirt. I’ve never seen her in anything other than a T-shirt and jeans, but this shirt reveals the tiniest hint of her cleavage. I’m trying so hard not to look, but holy fuck, it’s a struggle. We both stand in silence for a beat. Then I say, “You want to come with me?”

She eyes me cautiously. “Do you want me to?”

I realize the hesitation pouring from her may not be because of her own feelings of regret, but rather her fears that
I
have regrets.

“Of course I do.” The conviction in my response makes her smile, and her smile breaks down whatever was keeping us separated. I pull her to me and kiss her. She immediately seems at ease once my mouth is on hers.

I hate that I even made her doubt herself for one second. I should have kissed her as soon as I handed her the flowers downstairs.

“Can we get snow cones on the way there?” she asks.

I nod.

“Do you have your punch card?” she teases.

“I never leave the house without it.”

She laughs and then grabs her purse and pets Ivy goodbye.

When we get downstairs, Kenna and I fold up the table and chairs and begin hauling them to my truck. It works out that I’m here today, because I’ve been meaning to move one of these tables to the new house.

I’m carrying the last armful of chairs to the truck when Lady Diana appears out of nowhere. She stands between me and Kenna and the truck. “Are you leaving with the jerk?” she asks Kenna.

“You can stop calling him a jerk now. His name is Ledger.”

Lady Diana looks me up and down and then mutters, “Ledg
erk
.”

Kenna ignores the insult and says, “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

I’m laughing when we get in the truck. “Ledg
erk
. That was actually really clever.”

Kenna buckles her seat belt and says, “She’s witty and vicious. It’s a dangerous combination.”

I put the truck in reverse, wondering if I should give her the other gift I have for her. Now that we’re here in my truck together, it feels slightly more embarrassing than when I got the idea for it, and the fact that I spent so long on it this morning makes it that much more awkward, so we’re at least a mile from her apartment before I finally work up the nerve to say, “I made you something.”

I wait until we’re at a stop sign, and then I text her the link. Her phone pings, so she opens the link and stares at her screen for a few seconds. “What is this? A playlist?”

“Yeah. I made it this morning. It’s over twenty songs that have absolutely nothing to do with anything that could remind you of anything sad.”

She stares at the screen on her phone as she scrolls through the songs. I’m waiting for some kind of reaction from her, but her face is blank. She looks out the window and covers her mouth like she’s stifling a laugh. I keep stealing glances at her, but I eventually can’t take it anymore. “Are you laughing? Was that stupid?”

When she turns to face me, she’s smiling, and there might even be burgeoning tears in her eyes. “It’s not stupid at all.”

She reaches across the seat for my hand, and then she looks back out her window. For at least two miles, I’m fighting back a smile.

But then somewhere around the third mile, I’m fighting back a frown because something as simple as a playlist shouldn’t make her want to cry.

Her loneliness is starting to hurt me. I want to see her happy. I want to be able to say all the right things when I tell Patrick and Grace why they should give her a chance, but the fact that I still don’t truly know her history with Scotty is one of the many things I’m afraid might prevent the outcome we both want.

Every time I’m with her, the questions are always on the tip of my tongue.
“What happened? Why did you leave him?”
But it’s either never the right moment, or the moment is right but the emotions are already too heavy. I wanted to ask her last night when I was asking her all the other questions, but I just couldn’t get it out. Sometimes she looks too sad for me to expect her to talk about things that will make her even sadder.

I need to know, though. I feel like I can’t fully defend her or blindly root for her to be in Diem’s life until I know exactly what happened that night and
why
.