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Authors: Lina Andersson

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BOOK: Resonance (Marauders #4)
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“… I was as much of an ass as you thought.”

“It’s a lot to process. I just thought it was better to not get his hopes up.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night,” he snarled. “When can I see him?”

CHAPTER TWO

I’m Ready

 

~oOo~

 

FELIX WAS STILL AWAKE when I came home, so I lay down next to him.

“I found him, little guy. I found Tommy.”

“My dad?” he asked, and his entire body tensed. “You found him?”

“Yes. I know this is really big, and a lot for you to take in.” He didn’t even let me finish.

“Do you think he wants to meet me?”

“He does. He really wants to meet you. He wanted to come immediately, but I said I needed to talk to you first.”

“Mooom! Why did you do that?”

I laughed. “I wanted to make sure you were ready. Maybe I needed to get ready for it, too.”

“Oh.” He moved closer to me and put his skinny little arms around my neck. “Was he angry at you like you thought he would be?”

“Yes, but I’ve told you, I would’ve been angry, too, if someone didn’t tell me I had an awesome kid like you.” I gave his nose a kiss. “He won’t take it out on you. He’s a good guy.”

I was fascinated by how the only thing Felix cared about was if his dad wanted to meet him. He didn’t even care if it meant he could get a kidney, which I had to admit was the
only
thing I cared about. Some part of me had known it would mean Tommy wanted to meet Felix and be a part of his life, but it didn’t bother me. No matter what Tommy thought about me, I knew he was a good man, and he wouldn’t hold it against Felix.

I’d told Tommy the truth, though, whether he believed it or not. When I’d first realized I was pregnant, I hadn’t thought he wanted anything to do with me. I’d been so shitty and had blamed him for things I deep down knew weren’t his fault. It had been a weird time in my life. I might’ve been able to find him sooner if I’d really made an effort. Dwayne would’ve told me where he was in a second if I’d told him about Felix. Then it had just been too long; I was ashamed. Once I’d found out about Felix’s illness, it had become the only thing ever occupying my mind, and Tommy hadn’t become important until it became definitive that Felix needed a kidney—and soon.

When Dad found out who Felix’s father was, he’d been furious with me that I hadn’t told Tommy about him—because it took me a few years before I mustered up the courage to even tell Dad. He’d never asked, and he’d had his reasons not to ask. But when he found out it was Tommy, he’d said Tommy was family and you didn’t keep secrets like that from family. I was mostly surprised he’d never been angry about the fact that I’d had sex with Tommy just after Zach had died, and it took me another year before I finally asked him why it didn’t bother him.

“People deal with loss differently, and having sex is hardly a unique way of doing it.”

That was his answer. Considering how he’d avoided commenting on the fact that I was a woman and had left all the birds and the bees conversations to Mom, it was rather shocking coming from him.

Even if I hoped Tommy had been honest when he’d said he’d donate a kidney to Felix, I wasn’t taking it for granted. I never took things for granted anymore, and it was easy to agree before you had all the information about what it actually meant on hand. It was a tough procedure, and it was actually harder on the donor than on the receiver. Also, I had a hunch he would have to do some serious lifestyle changes, given his newly found life as an outlaw biker.

I stroked Felix’s cheek.

“So, little guy, think you’ll want to meet your daddy tomorrow?”

“Yes!” His entire face was beaming with joy. Then he looked worried. “Can I dress up a little? I don’t want to wear just my PJs.”

“We’ll dress you up.” I gave his forehead a kiss. “Get some rest. Big day tomorrow.”

I stayed until he fell asleep, and then I went out of his room to call Tommy.

“Yeah.”

“Hi, Tommy, it’s me. He’s very eager to meet you, so if you’d like to come by tomorrow, that would be fine.”

“When?”

“Around lunch is usually when he’s the most alert, so if that works for you?”

“I’ll meet you at twelve.”

“At the diner?” I’d told Tommy that I wanted us to talk a little more before he actually got to see Felix, since I wanted to explain a few things, and I wanted to make sure he remembered.

“Yeah.”

Once again, he hung up without a word of goodbye. I took a deep breath before I went to tell Mom and Dad that Tommy Miles was coming by the next day.

 

*

 

Tommy was already at the diner when I got there, and he motioned towards a cup of coffee on the table.

“I bought him a toy bike and a t-shirt. Hope that’s okay,” he said.

“He’ll like that.” I sat down. “I just wanted to prepare you a little, and I thought I’d… Well, that maybe you’d had enough yesterday.”

“You think?”

“Either way, I think you need to be prepared for what you’ll see.” I ignored the hostility, not like I didn’t deserve it, and continued. “Felix is small for a five-year-old, and it’s due to a lot of things. One is simply because of the disease, but also because he’s on a very special diet, and his appetite isn’t very good, either.”

“Special diet?”

“Yes. The kidneys’ function is to clean the blood, so if they don’t work, your own blood becomes toxic. That’s why it’s important to avoid adding some things to the system. Food containing a lot of minerals—like chocolate, milk, anything with salt, potassium… and some other things—he can’t have that. That’s why I told you to not buy candy. Chocolate could possibly kill him.”

“Jesus.” Tommy scratched the back of his head. “So what does he eat?”

“We cook fresh food from scratch for him, that way we know exactly what he eats, and he’s got a gastrostomy feeding tube in his abdomen. It’s for nutrition and medicine. He’s still very skinny, but his belly is swollen, since his kidneys are getting big.”

“Fucking hell, Billie. Anything else?”

“High blood pressure, and his liver is starting to act up, which is why I want to have the kidney transplant before his liver is beyond repair. He gets urine infections pretty often, which, in bad cases, travels up to his kidneys.” I kept adding things as I remembered them. I just needed to get it out of me, because if I started thinking about what it was I was actually listing, my child’s symptoms, I’d break down. “He bruises easily, so he’s got a lot of bruises. Tired, of course, both due to the illness, but also because of all the medication.”

Tommy looked sick. “Is he in pain?”

“Sometimes, especially if a cyst breaks or he has an infection. That can be very painful for him.” I tried to smile. “But like I said yesterday, he’s still a very positive little kid, usually in a good mood, and he’s so eager to meet you. He’s been trying on clothes all morning to make sure he looks good.”

He smiled a little at that. “Do you have a picture of him?”

“Yes, I brought you one.”

I took the envelope from my bag and handed it to him. Inside was one of my favorite pictures of Felix. We’d been to a monster truck show, and he’d loved it. He had a big smile, wore a baseball cap, and was holding a flag in his hand. Tommy took it from the envelope, and I was relived when he smiled.

“He looks a lot like Zach.”

“Yeah, but there’s some of you there, too. Like the nose and his eye color.”

“Maybe.” He was still looking at the picture.

“I’m sorry, Tommy. I really am. I know that doesn’t mean much to you, or change anything.”

“No.” He put the picture back into the envelope. “You’re not exactly my favorite person right now, but I guess we need to try to keep it civil. Just keep any talks about Felix.”

It sounded strange hearing Felix’s name coming from his mouth, and he looked strange when he said it. Like it felt odd to him or didn’t fit, and his words hurt. I didn’t blame him, but that didn’t make them any easier to hear.

“Okay,” I said. “Do you have any other questions, or are you ready to go?”

“I’m ready.” He stood up and tried to hand me the envelope.

“You can keep it,” I said, shaking my head. As we walked outside, I remembered one more thing. “Mom’s there. Just so you know.”

“How’s Leah?”

“Good. She’s looking forward to seeing you.”

Mom met us in the hallway when we arrived at the house, and she immediately took Tommy in her arms.

“It’s so good to see you, Tommy,” she mumbled into his chest. “Really good.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Leah.”

“I won’t keep you,” Mom said and took a step back. “He’s in the kitchen.”

Tommy pointed down the hall with raised eyebrows.

“Yes,” I confirmed. “That way.”

“You coming?” he asked me, and I nodded.

We walked into the kitchen. Felix was by the table, drawing, and he looked up when we came inside. He stared at Tommy for a few seconds, then he jumped down from the chair and walked straight up to him. He extended his right hand.

“Pleased to meet you, sir. I’m Felix Jensen.”

Tommy chuckled and squatted down in front of Felix to take his hand.

“I’m really glad to meet you, Felix, but you really don’t have to call me sir.” He tugged Felix’s t-shirt. “That’s a really cool tee you got there, kiddo.”

“Yeah.” Felix beamed. “You like it?”

“Very much.”

Felix gave me a proud smile before turning back to Tommy. “I’m drawing. Would you like to draw with me?”

“Yeah, sure.” Tommy stood up, and he looked stunned when Felix took his hand to lead him to the table. “What are you drawing?”

“Airplanes. Grandpa taught me.”

I stood there and watched them for a while, and then decided it was best to just leave them alone. Tommy would be more comfortable if I wasn’t around.

Mom was waiting for me in the hallway.

“You’re doing the right thing, honey. It’s not right to keep a child from his dad.”

“I know, Mom.”

“We’ve been telling you for a long time that you should—“

“Mom!” I interrupted her. “Not today. You can have another go at me tomorrow about what I should or shouldn’t have done, but right now I can’t handle it.”

“Okay.” She kept studying me. “It was nice seeing him again.”

I just nodded. I already knew she thought the sun shone out of Tommy Miles’s ass, and I wasn’t getting into another discussion about him with her that day. I just couldn’t.

 

~oOo~

 

TOMMY HAD BEEN SCARED when he walked into the house to meet the kid. Billie’s long list of things he needed to be prepared for fucking scared him to death. It sounded as if he was about to meet a little kid lying on his deathbed—skinny, pale, and bruised. He’d been surprised when the little blond kid jumped down from a chair, strolled up to him, and extended his hand. It was a Jensen kid all right. Down to the black t-shirt with an airplane on it. Tommy was pretty sure he’d seen both Zach and Billie in similar t-shirts when they were kids—he knew he’d had them. Luckily, he’d remembered what Billie’d said about Felix having chosen clothes carefully, so he’d told him he liked the tee. The kid had looked really proud when he said that.

Now he was sitting next to him drawing cars, airplanes, and bikes. He kept looking at the little guy, but it didn’t exactly
feel
like it was his son. He liked him, though. Billie’d been right about him being a great kid, and he was wicked smart. That was probably from the Jensen genes, too.

A while later, Felix got fed up with drawing and went to get a deck of cards so they could play Go Fish. Around the same time, Billie came back into the kitchen. He was glad she’d left them alone for a while, but he figured she wanted him out by then.

“Mommy, come play with us!” Felix said when he saw her.

“I can’t, little guy,” she said and squatted down next to Felix’s chair. “I have to get to work. I just wanted a kiss before I left.”

“Can Dad stay?”

That
was when something tugged his heart for the first time, when the kid called him ‘Dad.’

“Sure,” Billie said with a smile. “He can stay. Grandma’s gonna come and give you some food in a while. Promise me to try to eat a little.”

“I will.”

“And give me my kiss.”

Felix threw his scrawny arms around Billie’s neck and gave her a kiss. They hugged while whispering things to each other, and then Felix giggled and gave her another kiss before he let go. She stood up and turned at him.

“I’ll call you when I get back from work tonight,” she said. “We’ll figure this out.”

“Yeah,” he answered, but kept his eyes on Felix. “We will.”

Once she was gone, Leah came into the kitchen and sat down with them. He’d always gotten along well with her. His own mom’d had a bunch of psychological problems since before Tommy was born, and her husband had been her entire life. He had no idea why she’d bothered with children, but he assumed it was his dad who’d wanted kids. She’d always done anything for him—except loving the children they’d had together.

BOOK: Resonance (Marauders #4)
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