Scars of the Past (10 page)

He sighed and looked at his sand covered toes. “So, that’s my horrible story. I always wonder what would have happened if my phone hadn’t become a casualty of the fight between me and me dad. And I know you’re probably repulsed, disgusted, angry, and so many other things, but I needed to tell you.”

I stared at his profile as he looked out at the Pacific Ocean. He looked so sad, so broken, and so unlike the man I had once known.

“Did you ever love her, Josh?”

The corners of his mouthed tipped up ever so slightly and he turned to look at me. “I never even liked her, Madelyn. I tolerated her. I stayed her friend out of obligation, guilt, and just because I had nowhere else to go.”

I removed my own shoes and socks and rolled my pant legs up to my calves. “What about me, Josh? Do you still hope we can just resume our friendship?”

He looked at me for a solid minute, and slowly he reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear.

“No, I can’t just be your friend anymore. I’ve loved you for years, Maddie. I never once stopped.”

Chapter Twelve

I didn’t respond to his declaration, but instead stood up and walked towards the surf. The cold water hit my toes and I sucked in a surprised breath. By the time the third wave hit my feet, it wasn’t as shocking and the wet sand felt good between my toes. My mind was racing with all of the information he had given me. I couldn’t believe what had happened with his brother, and that he had basically been going through it alone. The ‘what-ifs’ started to run through my mind and I quickly pushed them away. I’d been running those scenarios through my head since that night at the bar, and dwelling just made it all worse.

The biggest concern I had was Elizabeth. I had seen her with Josh and I didn’t know if she would let him go that easily. The kind of drama she could add to my life made my head hurt just thinking about it, and I toed a seashell that was uncovered when the next wave left the shore. Could I handle all of that?

I looked over my shoulder and Josh was sitting where I left him, just watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. We held eye contact for several long moments, and suddenly I felt like an idiot. The answer was obvious, and there really was no question.

I stayed where I was, but extended my hand to Josh. His eyes followed my outstretched arm and blinked at it for a moment. Suddenly he was on his feet and closing the distance between us, his warm hand engulfed mine and he pulled me into him. He wrapped his arms around me, as I put mine around his waist, and he rested his cheek against the top of my head.

“Can you ever forgive me?” His voice was muffled by my hair, but he didn’t attempt to move. “I hope you understand that through it all, you’ve always been at the forefront of my mind.”

I didn’t answer; I just breathed him in as I pushed my cheek into his shirt. Eventually, I tilted my head back and looked up at his face. His brown eyes looked so full of hope, and the hardness that I’d become used to seeing in his expression had softened a bit. My toes sank into the sand as I pushed up on them, kissing his mouth gently.

Josh responded, and our kiss was the exact opposite of the one the night before. Instead of hurried and frustrated, this was slow and savory. When we finally pulled apart he cupped my cheek with his hand, and smiled down at me.

“Let’s walk to the wharf and I’ll feed you. It’s probably getting close to lunch time.”

We walked back to where we left our shoes and sat down to put them on. I as I leaned forward to tie my sneakers, I felt Josh’s fingers skim over my lower back where my shirt had ridden up slightly. I froze where I was, and when I didn’t pull away he used his other hand to pull my shirt up a bit more. The area was no longer open or raw, but instead new, bright pink skin had taken its place. His warm fingers gently swept along the almost healed area, and neither of us spoke for a few moments.

I turned my head slightly to chance a look at him, and he looked remorseful, as if the scars were his fault. I straightened up, and his fingers fell from my back. We still didn’t speak, but I leaned into him and his arm moved around me automatically.

After some silence, I turned to look up at him. The guilt still hinted on his face, but as he looked down at me he smiled slightly.

“You can ask me questions, Mad,” he said, taking my hand in his. “I can practically see the wheels turning in there.”

“Did you want the baby, Josh?” I asked the question quietly, almost afraid to offend him.

“Well,” he thought about his answer for a minute. “That’s hard to answer because it doesn’t have just one. Did I want a baby? Eventually, yeah, but the timing wasn’t preferable. Did I want a baby with Elizabeth? No. Not even a little bit. But, I wasn’t going to punish that child because I made a stupid mistake one night. If I was going to bring a life into this world, I was going to be there for him or her. But when I imagined having children it wasn’t at 22-years-old with some random one-night stand that drove me crazy.”

I nodded, because that was the answer I expected him to say. “Did you ever doubt that she was really pregnant?”

“Yup, I doubted her story right from the start.” He stood, pulling me up with him. He didn’t let go of my hand as we started to walk in the direction of the Fisherman’s Wharf.

“I asked twice for proof, the first time almost immediately, and she flipped out on me. She left my parents’ house and returned about three hours later, throwing a positive pregnancy test at me. I was already a mess between my brother and then that, so I accepted it as proof. But by the time she hit the end of the first trimester, I started to have a nagging feeling in the back of my brain. She didn’t act pregnant- no morning sickness, she wasn’t tired, and she seemed very unconcerned with her health half the time. So, I told her I wanted a paternity test when she was far enough along to do an amnio. That was the night we ended up fighting and she told me she lost the baby the next day.”

“Convenient,” I replied, shaking my head.

“Yeah, I’m an idiot,” he let out a fake laugh. “She tried everything to get me to sleep with her at that point, and I had a suspicious feeling that she was trying to make a pregnancy happen.”

We walked in silence for a while, and his hand clutched mine like a lifeline or like he thought I might take off running. We reached the pier and picked a place on the second level that had fabulous views of some of San Francisco’s most popular attractions.

The lunch conversation was much lighter than earlier. We spent the whole time catching up on current events and other things that we missed. I told him about how Matthew and I had unsuccessfully attempted to get mom into speed dating the summer he’d left, when Matt had been home. He described how Ben had celebrated his 18th birthday by walking over twenty steps with only a cane. I watched him talk about Ben with fascination, the pride he felt for his brother just radiated off of him.

We talked about school and things that had changed since the last time he was on campus. He told me stories about different computers he’d worked on, and how he hated house calls because he never knew if the house he was going into was going to be clean or disgusting.

We started back to the parking lot and Josh’s phone rang, but he hit ignore and tucked it back in his pocket. By the time we made it back to the truck it had gone off six more times, and the atmosphere between us had become tense.

“Why don’t you just answer it?” I asked him, after he’d closed his door and settled into the cab. “Elizabeth, right?”

He nodded, and looked over at me. “She wasn’t too happy when I left last night, I’m sure she’s come up with a new ploy to try to get me to stay.”

I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. After a few moments Josh started up the truck and we made our way out of the city.

We were crossing the bridge in silence when the phone rang again but this time through the speakers of the truck. The bluetooth picked up and the radio flashed with the word ‘Dad’ on it.

“Do you mind?” Josh asked, glancing at me.

“No, of course not.”

He pressed a button on the stereo and the ringing stopped.

“Hello?”

“Hey son.” A voice boomed through the truck.

“Hey dad, what’s going on?”

The voice on the other end paused before speaking. “Well, Elizabeth keeps calling and although I have no interest in talking to her I wanted to call you and make sure you were okay.

Josh sighed and clenched the steering wheel, all traces of our fun lunch gone. “She’s calling you? That’s low. I’m sorry, dad, she just doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”

“It’s no problem, bud, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

Josh cast a sideways glance to me. “Everything’s great.”

“Great? Does that mean that you’ve cut ties with that conniving woman and found yourself someone worth your time?”

“Can we talk about it later, dad? I’m, um, not alone right now.”

“Oh!” His dad’s voice sounded elated. “Got it. Call me later, Josh. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Josh hit another button on the stereo to end the call before maneuvering us off the freeway at the next exit. He pulled into a gas station and parked the truck.

“I’m sorry, but you’re not going to want to hear her screech. I’ll be right back okay?”

He didn’t wait for me to answer, just hopped out of the truck and walked over to a grassy area on the other side of the gas pumps. I watched him pace as he spoke into the phone, and his hands were everywhere- thrown in the air, pointing nowhere, raking through his hair, and when he finally hung up ten minutes later he stalked back over to the truck looking furious.

He got back in and turned to me, a forced smile now on his face, “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize. Everything okay?”

Instead of answering, Josh just started the truck and we started back towards Sacramento. After a few minutes of silence, he finally groaned.

“She’s just out of her mind. Insane is probably a very fitting word to describe her. She thinks that by throwing some temper tantrum I’ll come back to being her companion.”

“Companion…” I said the word slowly. “That sounds like true love right there.”

He laughed, and reached for my hand. “I’ve missed your witty little quips so much. I don’t know how I survived so long without your sarcasm in my life.”

“I don’t know either. You got lucky, I suppose. So, what are you going to do about her?”

“Well, for starters, I am going to change the locks on my place. She’s rarely ever been over there, and I had no idea she had a key, but apparently she does because she managed to get her hands on the contact information for my family.”

“Did you guys spend nights together a lot?”

Josh glanced my way and smiled. “I like your subtle jealousy. I only ever slept with Elizabeth the one time.”

I turned to my face towards the window and smiled. This new information made me ridiculously happy. He had already told me that he didn’t love her, but I had still felt bad for breaking up their relationship. But after hearing him describe them as no more than basically acquaintances, I felt lighter and less guilty.

–––

“When you do you start student teaching?” Josh asked as we walked up the stairs to my apartment.

“Next fall after graduation I’ll do my six months. I’ve already been placed with a sixth grade class at Winston Elementary.” I unlocked the door before pushing it open. “I was afraid I’d end up on the opposite side of the city and have to deal with a bitch of a commute.” I paused in the entry way when I noticed Sydney sitting on the couch with two other people.

“Hi Detectives.” I dropped my purse on the counter as Detective Wilson and Detective Bradley both stood up.

“Hi Maddie,” Detective Wilson smiled warmly. “How are you?”

“I’m doing better,” I replied honestly. I looked at Josh. “These are the detectives who are working on my…” I trailed off, but Josh just nodded.

“Yeah, we met when I had to give my statement. Nice to see you again.” He shook hands with both Detectives.

Sydney still sat on the couch quietly, glaring at Detective Bradley, but he either didn’t notice or he chose not to acknowledge her.

“We actually just got here, and your friend was going to call and see when you’d be home.” Detective Wilson pulled something out of the manila envelope. “We have a photo array we’d like you to look at if you have a moment.”

My heart started beating quickly and I didn’t answer for a moment. Sydney stopped glaring, stood up, and took my hand. “It’s okay, babe. You can do this.”

Josh gave me an encouraging smile too, and laid his hand at the base of my neck.

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Let’s see it.”

She handed me the slip with six different photos on it. I looked through them all, one by one, and disappointment hit me in the chest. “He’s not here.”

“You’re sure?” Detective Bradley looked almost as disappointed as I felt.

“Yeah, I’m positive. I’m sorry.” I held the photos out to give them back.

Detective Wilson took the slip and tucked it back into the envelope. “Don’t apologize. We just wanted to be sure. We have a suspect who matched the description but we didn’t have enough to take his DNA.”

“Well, we won’t take up anymore of your time.” Detective Bradley finally looked at Sydney. “Ms. Lewis, good to see you again.”

Sydney just rolled her eyes, turned, and walked towards her bedroom.

Detective Wilson smiled at her partner. “Well, she doesn’t like you much.”

Detective Bradley let out a quiet chuckle. “That’s okay.”

I looked at Josh who seemed as confused as me, and he just shrugged. I opened my mouth to ask what he meant when they moved towards the door.

“We’ll be in touch, Maddie.” Detective Wilson gave a friendly smile and pat me on the shoulder.

Detective Bradley stopped in front of me and gave me a serious look. “Did you take my advice?”

I smiled up at him. “You have a very nice sister.”

Detective Bradley gave a crooked smile. “Yes, I do. And I’m glad you went. Keep at it, and I promise it will help.”

After they left, I ducked inside the bathroom for a moment and when I came out Josh was in my room holding my night shirt in his hands.

“Don’t even think about it, it’s mine.” I grabbed the shirt and hid it behind my back. “You’re not getting it back.

He laughed and slid an arm around my waist. “Keep it. I really love the thought of you in nothing but my shirt every night.”

I dropped the shirt behind me and cupped his face. “It was better when it smelled like you.” My lips moved to his and we kissed gently at first, but the moment our tongues met he tightened his hold on my waist and I wrapped one arm around his neck while my other hand fisted the front of his shirt. He groaned, pulling me down so we were sitting on my bed with me straddling him.

I could feel him between my legs, and my body tensed up. Josh must have felt the change too, because he immediately shifted us so that we were lying cuddled on the bed instead.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” My face felt hot with embarrassment and I buried it into his chest.

He kissed the top of my head. “Please don’t ever apologize- especially for something like that. I definitely don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you into something, because Madelyn…” He waited a moment, and finally I turned my head so I was looking at him. “I would wait forever for you.”

I moved up and gave his mouth a soft kiss before cuddling back into his shoulder. We laid there in silence for so long I felt myself start to drift off.

The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was Josh’s hand playing with my hair and his quiet voice whispering, “I love you.”