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Authors: Nyrae Dawn

Tags: #Children's Books, #Growing Up & Facts of Life, #Fiction, #Teen & Young Adult, #Literature & Fiction, #Social & Family Issues, #Pregnancy, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Children's eBooks, #Series, #entangled publishing, #Kelley Vitollo, #Nyrae Dawn, #Young Adult, #teen pregnancy, #boy next door, #friends to lovers

Searching for Beautiful (8 page)

BOOK: Searching for Beautiful
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I had a baby inside me like that, but now it’s gone.

My chest feels a little tight. “You… You don’t look eight months.” And she doesn’t. I can definitely see something’s there, but it’s not that bad.

Emery playfully rolls her eyes. “Okay, I
feel
eight months.”

I can’t stop staring at her. She can’t be any older than me. But she’s having a baby. Questions slam into my skull and I want to ask. It’s so hard to know what’s okay or not. It’s hard to make myself say anything because I don’t want to talk. Talking makes you closer to people and I’ve already lost Mom, Dad, Jason,
my baby,
my friends.

“You can ask, you know? I can practically see the questions in your eyes.” She shrugs.

Heat surges in my cheeks as anger and pain slam into me. I can’t stop thinking of all the things I lost and will never find again and she’s here and she has it and she’s okay. Normal, even though she’s pregnant and a teenager, just like I was. Why did I lose it all?

“I…I have to go.” Pushing to my feet, I walk out of the room. I’m always running away from people.


When I get home, Dad isn’t here. I kick off my shoes, step into my slippers, and go straight out back. My pottery room sits right across from the back porch like always, and everything inside pulls and tugs me to it. I want to go there so badly—to lose myself in something until I forget about everything else—but I can’t make myself do it.

I can’t make anything in that room ever again.

That’s when I hear music playing and I look over the fence and into the neighbor’s yard. Christian is sitting on his back porch, a guitar propped on his leg, his head down in concentration. His brown hair falls forward, creating that wall between us that I wanted earlier, blocking his eyes from me. I don’t know if I should be thankful his house is set a little higher than ours or not, because if it wasn’t, the fence would be another barrier blocking him from me.

My first thought is I want him blocked from me—need it. Just like everyone else, I don’t want to get close to him. Not when it risks losing some of those good memories.

My second thought is the most ridiculous thing:
I didn’t know Christian played the guitar.
Maybe he hadn’t when I knew him.

I turn to walk into the house when he says, “Hey to you, too.”

I almost keep going. God knows I want to, but for some reason, I stop. “I don’t feel like talking.”

“Huh…interesting,” is all he says before his fingers start gliding over the strings again.

My feet itch to walk away but instead I open my mouth and say, “What is that supposed to mean? ‘Huh, interesting’?”

He looks over at me, pushes his hair behind his ear, stands, and sets his guitar on one of the chairs. Then, he grabs the other one, walks over, puts it against the fence, and then stands on it, looking over at me. “Well, I guess it’s supposed to mean I find it interesting you told me you don’t feel like talking. Not too many ways to spin it, Bryntastic.”

Another random thought pops into my head—he’s different. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but he’s not the same boy I knew five years ago. Then I remember I’m not the same girl, either, and that urge to go hide out hits me again. “Why is that interesting?” Crinkling my nose, I realize I’m surprised I asked him a question.

“Because you don’t want to talk, but you took the time to tell me instead of just walking away. That’s what I would have done if I didn’t feel like speaking. Just walked away. My counselor would probably say that means you really
do
wanna talk. If not him, my mom would. She’s always saying stuff like that to me.”

My cheeks flush in annoyance. “What? Maybe I just don’t want to be rude? Don’t pretend to know me.” But we both know I don’t have a problem being rude lately. I’ve done it before by running away from him when he tried to speak to me.

Christian looks completely serious when he says, “I think it’s pretty safe to say I don’t really know you anymore, Bryntastic.”

His words slice into me, stinging when I know they shouldn’t. Or is it that they shouldn’t or I don’t want them to? “Why do you go to the community center?” It occurs to me that he can tell me to go to hell. That I just told him I don’t want to talk. And I probably deserve that.

Instead, Christian shrugs. “I used to have some anger management problems. Mom makes me go. She volunteers a lot and she’s always analyzing everything.”

I cock my head, looking for any sign of embarrassment from him at the way he just spit that out. Not as though it’s a huge deal, but he just says it likes it’s nothing. Anger management problems definitely don’t sound good, but there’s no shyness or
anger
when he admits it. It just
is.

Then I stand there and wait for it. Wait for him to ask me the same thing. Why was
I
there? Why don’t I hang out with my friends anymore? Or he probably doesn’t need to ask, because he already knows.

“Cute slippers,” he says, surprising me because it’s completely out of the blue. “Do your PJs have a bushy tail, too?” He’s got that same half smile on his face from earlier. That flirty, I’m-a-hot-boy-who-can-have-any-girl-I-want look, and I’m suddenly annoyed again. I hate that cocky-guy look and that cocky-guy grin and I will not be pulled into that trap again.

“Cute way to try to look at my ass.” I let one of my brows raise, a little swell of pride in my chest that I’m calling this how I see it.

“Hey, it’s a good line, and I don’t remember you being such a grump.”

A grump?
A grump?
His words make me stifle a laugh. A sarcastic one, sure, but a chuckle all the same. “Bad job at your analysis. This is
not
me being grumpy. That’s a whole lot worse.”

Christian shifts on the chair a little, then pulls his sleeves down to cover his hands. “Observation, not an analysis.”

My porch light flickers a little but stays on.
Think, think, think!
The urge to get the best of him simmers inside me. I used to be pretty good at getting in the last word. “I… Whatever.” Awesome. I rocked at that.
Not.

“I would say I know you are but what am I, but then, that doesn’t make much sense, I guess. It would be right along the same lines as
whatever
.”

I search my brain for more silly sayings, not letting myself overthink what I’m doing. “I’m rubber, you’re glue.” A grin pulls at my lips.

“Gummy bear?” he asks.

I wait for the punch line before I realize he’s really asking me if I want some candy.

Christian pops a few into his mouth.

Gummy bear?
Talk about a subject change. I’m at a loss for words. First, I’ve never known a guy who carries gummy bears in his pocket and second, weren’t we just having this strange, immature sort of witty-banter thing going on? But then…this little flash of a memory spouts in my head. That sugary smell when we danced. The box of… “You used to eat Jujubes, didn’t you? I remember you always had a box of them with you.”

He shakes his head. “Nope. It was Dots.”

“Oh yeah!” I laugh. “Dots. I remember now. I…” I bought a box of them. I put them on my desk so he’d see them, think we had something in common, and fall madly in love with me. My cheeks burn. Wow, I can’t believe I did that. Mark that on my ever-growing list of things I will never again do for a boy.

“You what?”

So
not going there. “Nothing. So what’s up with the candy?”

After shrugging, he pops a couple more into his mouth and then says, “Sweet tooth, I guess. What’s your vice?”

His question comes out of nowhere. Most people I know wouldn’t ask something like that. “Umm, I don’t know. I guess I don’t have one.”

Christian snickers. “Not possible. You can borrow mine till you figure yours out, if you want. Gummy bears make the world go round and all that.”

“Oh my God.” His words are so ridiculous I can’t stop myself from laughing. Hard. Like real, loud belly laughs. I’m almost not sure it’s me at first. “Gummy bears make the world go round? I think you’re pushing it a little. Or a lot.”

“No way. Have you had these things lately? They’re pretty good. The world would be a much better place if everyone chilled out and indulged in a gummy bear every now and again.”

“Yeah, might be the answer to ending world hunger.”

“Screw that. It’s the answer to world hunger and peace.”

Another spontaneous laugh jumps out of my mouth. A second later, Christian is doing the same.

“Brynn!” My head turns toward the house as Dad steps outside, frowning. “What are you doing? Who are you talking to?” His voice is firm, holding a sound of…something, I don’t even know what it is, but I’ve never heard it directed at me before.

“Nothing… No one.” Which is stupid because it’s obviously someone and he’s hanging over my fence with a mouth full of gummy bears. Dad’s head is so red it looks like it might explode.

“I brought dinner. Time to come in for the night.”

Time to come inside? It’s seven o’clock and I’m in my backyard. “Umm, okay?”

Dad’s eyes cut toward Christian, who just pops a few more gummy bears like nothing is going on.

“It’ll get cold, Brynn,” Dad reminds me. His eyes dart toward Christian, glaring. Then they find me again and he’s looking at me the same way.

“Yeah…okay.”

“Catch ya later, Bryntastic.” Christian jumps down from the chair, heads back to his porch, and picks up his guitar again.

Dad stands there, waiting for me to go inside, which I do. He follows me. “Who is that?” he asks, his voice still tight. I turn to see him lean against the kitchen counter, still not looking like the easygoing dad I know.

“Christian, a guy from school.”

“Well, I don’t know if I want you out there talking at night. I’ve never even met the kid.”

“Huh?” I don’t have to finish my thought when it all comes slamming back into me. Jason. What Dad thinks. “Oh my God. Do you think I’m out to have sex with our neighbor now? I screwed up once and now you think I’m trying to get with every boy in sight?” My eyes sting, but it’s nothing compared to the pinch in my chest.

“What?” Dad has the nerve to sound surprised. “No, it’s not… I trust… It’s them.”

“Yeah, obviously.” It’s then I know I was right. He doesn’t believe me. He thinks I lied, that I knew about Jason all along. That’s probably why he let the case go so easily, why he’s even quieter with me. Why he struggles to look at me, and…and probably wishes he and Mom hadn’t chosen me. “I’m not hungry.”

“Brynn, wait.” Dad’s voice cracks, but it’s too late.

Without another word, I walk out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and straight for my room.

And to think, ten minutes ago, I’d actually been laughing. I’d actually felt normal. Somehow, I’d forgotten how bad everything is.

But now, I remember.

Chapter Fifteen

Before

“You and your mom are going shopping today, right?” Diana asks when we pull up in front of my house.

“Yep. Sorry I couldn’t go with you guys, but you know how Mom is with dances. She wants to go with just her and me.” Which honestly, I don’t mind. I mean, it would have been cool to go with Ellie and Diana, but I like spending time with her, too.

“It’s okay. You’re lucky she wants to go with you. My mom couldn’t care less.” Ellie frowns.

“That’s not true. She’s just busy right now. You’re way too cool for anyone to not want to hang out with you all the time.” I hug her, knowing how hard dealing with her parents is for her. They don’t spend time with her, or eat dinner with her every night like Mom and Dad do with me, or even Diana’s parents do with her. It’s like they have their own life and Ellie is just baggage.

Ellie squeeze me back. “Thanks, Brynn. You’re the best. I don’t know what I would do without you and D.”

“Friends for life.” D holds out her hand. I link a pinkie with her, and then Ellie does the same.

She’s always been super sentimental, though she only shows it with us. She’s also really tough, too. She makes herself hard so she doesn’t feel hung out to dry because of the way her parents pretty much ignore her, but Diana and I both know how important the people in her life are to her. She needs to know we’ll always be there.

“Always,” I say first.

“Always,” Diana adds.

Suddenly, Ellie looks toward the ground. “I have to tell you guys something, but you can’t say anything. Not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t want Kevin or Ian to know and tell Todd.”

I put a hand on her shoulder. “I’d never tell Ian something you didn’t want me to. You know you can trust us.”

Diana agrees with me.

After a few deep breaths, Ellie says, “I think I’m going to…you know, go all the way with Todd after the dance. I’m going to surprise him. It
is
a dance, after all. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?” Ellie giggles.

“What?” My grip on her loosens and my eyes go wide.

“Oh my God! Maybe Kev and I will do it, too. I’ve been trying to hold him off. But I love him, and if you guys are going to… It’ll make the night perfect.” Diana bounces excitedly.

I don’t think I want to have sex with Ian. Not the way we break up and get back together. He’s never even told me he loves me.

They continue talking about it and I nod and agree, even though their words are fuzz. It would be kind of cool, though. The three of us losing our virginity the same night. Maybe it’ll even bring Ian and me closer together, so we can be more like Diana and Ellie are with their boyfriends.

“Now hurry up and go shopping, Brynn. You need to get a dress before all the good ones are gone.”

We all jump out of the car and hug good-bye before Ellie and Diana take off and I head inside. My body feels all electric. I can’t wait to go shopping with Mom. To find the perfect dress for the perfect dance and to maybe even take that next step with Ian.

“Hey. I’m home.” Walking into the living room, I see Mom sitting on the couch. “Are you ready to go?”

Looking over at me, she gives me a sad smile. “I’m not sure if today is the best day, kiddo.”

BOOK: Searching for Beautiful
10.91Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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