Searching For Captain Wentworth (24 page)

‘No, I haven’t
been to see the display,’ I said, quite able to
look truthfully into his eyes. ‘I’d love to go. Can
you give me a
minute to
change?’

We agreed to
meet downstairs when I was ready. I felt
suddenly excited about going though I knew seeing
the Assembly
Rooms would be
strange without carriages rolling before the doors
depositing muslin-clad dancers and frock-coated
gentlemen bent
on the card
room. Pulling on jeans, a jumper and a belted trench
coat as defence against the weather, I was ready
for anything, but I
felt some of my
timidity returning as I knocked on Josh’s door.

He thrust an
umbrella towards me with a grin as he opened the
door. ‘I’ve equipped myself for Bath, you see. I
wish you’d make
use of it.’

‘I certainly
will, Captain Wentworth,’ I answered, recognizing
the quote immediately and grinning back. ‘Anne
Elliot might be
my heroine, but I’m
not about to decline the offer of a good
umbrella like she did.’

I did wonder if
that sounded like I’d paired us up as a couple,
but thankfully, Josh didn’t seem to take much
notice. He insisted on
holding
the umbrella for both of us and grabbing my arm in his,
pulled me closely to his side as the rain thundered
down above our
heads. He was in
great spirits and by the time we were walking up
Bond Street, he’d pointed out everything of
interest from the shop
they’d
used in my favourite film version of
Persuasion
,
representing Molland’s coffee shop, to the faded
paintwork that
still exists on
the building of what used to be the old circulating
library in Milsom Street, which Jane herself must
have visited.

Taking a turn
into Quiet Street and rounding the corner onto
Gay Street, we climbed ever higher, unable to pass
the Jane Austen
Centre without visiting
the giftshop where Josh treated me to a
book. I chose
Cooking with Jane Austen and
Friends
, a sumptuous
volume,
which had my mouth watering at the fantastic recipes. Josh
suggested we break our fast by sampling some hot
buttered
Crawford’s Crumpets
, washed
down with a cup of Peking tea in the
Regency tearoom upstairs, and in such surroundings we felt we’d
escaped from the hustle and bustle of town life below.
At last, much
refreshed and
rejuvenated, we set off up the steep incline and on
reaching the Circus at the top, we marvelled at the
beautiful curves
of the
buildings, the hand-chiselled frieze running around the Doric
columns with decorative emblems, every one
depicting something
different. A short
walk along Bennett Street and we reached the
Assembly Rooms. Although recognizable, the
additions of modern
life made the
past seem remote and so far away that it was almost
like I’d never been there before.

The display of
costumes was fantastic. Original gowns of
satin, silk and muslin were displayed side by side
with the film
costumes, the
light dimmed to preserve the fragile fabrics, and
every case offered a treat. I recognized many as
worn by my
favourite actors
and actresses. The first case showed costumes from
Sense and Sensibility
.

‘So, who do you
identify with most? Are you Elinor or
Marianne?’ asked Josh. He was looking at me quite intently and I
felt myself blush, as I admitted what I’d not
vocalized to anyone
before. I was
glad the place was empty so no one could hear.

‘Marianne,’ I
said without hesitation. ‘I’d love to be more like
Elinor, but I admit, I am far too much of a
romantic to be as
sensible.’

‘Your heart
rules your head, then?’

I stared at
Marianne’s bonnet, a wonderful straw confection
with peach ribbon and a feather to match, and knew
that I longed
to wear such a
frivolous item. ‘I suppose it does. I know that I don’t
always think before I act, a fault that Marianne
had too. And, I’m
sure most people
who know me would say I’m a bit of a drama
queen.’

‘You’re being a
little unfair to yourself – that’s just your own
opinion. I haven’t known you for long, but from
what I’ve seen, I’d
say that you
combine the best qualities of both Elinor and
Marianne. I’m convinced Jane Austen was writing
about dual
aspects of her
own personality and don’t we all share that to some
extent? We have a ‘sensible’ head that regulates
our behaviour and
one that makes
us act impulsively, rashly. In any case, I always
prefer people who are open myself. Jane made a
point of saying
that often
enough in her books. Even Mr Darcy said that disguise
of every sort was his abhorrence. A personality who
is not afraid to
say how they
feel is ultimately a warmer person and far more real.
There’s an honesty about someone who says what they
think.’

‘I suppose so,
though we should always be careful that our
impulses don’t hurt others, I think, or make them
feel
uncomfortable.’

I hoped Josh
couldn’t see my red cheeks. I moved on hoping
I’d cool down. Hiding so much from him made me
uneasy.

Look Josh,
here’s one of Mr Darcy’s shirts,’ I called out,
hoping to distract him and change the conversation.
‘I always
wonder what Jane
would have thought about the wet shirt scene she
didn’t write where Colin Firth plunged into the
lake.’

Josh laughed. ‘I
suspect she’d have had a little chuckle if she
knew. I don’t see her as a stuffy spinster sitting
in a corner, do you?’

‘No, not at all,
I think she was quite the opposite. I imagine if
she were alive now, she’d have a lot of fun helping
to cast her
heroes too.’

‘Oh, now, I love
that greatcoat.’ Josh’s eyes lit up. Mr
Willoughby’s coat, complete with layers of cape,
was displayed
next and I
couldn’t resist asking Josh what he thought about Jane’s
wild boy.

‘Jane clearly
knew a handsome scoundrel or two, I think, but
I reckon she probably forgave them as she hardly
metes out any real
punishment for
them in her novels, though I suppose in
Willoughby’s case, he had to suffer knowing that
the love of his life
was
happily married to someone else.’

‘That’s true.
Even William Elliot in
Persuasion
gets off
lightly, and would still end up inheriting Kellynch Hall.’

‘Yes, but he has
to see Anne go off with Captain Wentworth.
He obviously hoped to get both the inheritance and
the girl too.’

‘But, doesn’t he
go off with Mrs Clay in the end? He couldn’t
have been that upset about Anne.’

Josh nodded in
agreement. ‘I think what’s so brilliant is that
Jane Austen always recognizes human frailty. Not
one of her
characters is
wholly bad or good. It’s what makes them seem so
real.’

We’d come full
circle. In the last case were the costumes used
in
Persuasion
and a slideshow flickered on the wall. Amanda Root
and Ciaran Hinds smiled out at us, my perfect idea
of Anne and
Frederick
Wentworth.

‘There you are,
Miss Elliot. Here’s your namesake,’ said Josh.

‘And her
costume, which I’m sure would suit you very well.’

I didn’t know
what to say and stared ahead, admiring the
green silk of Anne Elliot’s gown looking rather
like the one I’d
worn to a ball.
That had just been some fanciful dream; I was
beginning to think.

‘Sophie, I hope
you don’t mind me saying so, but you’ve got
far more in common with your favourite heroine than
you know.

Just like Anne,
you are an extremely pretty girl, both gentle and
modest, with taste and feeling.’

I decided he
must be teasing me so dropped a curtsey with a
prim smile. ‘Why, thank you, kind sir, and may I
say in return that
you appear to be
a remarkably fine young man, with a great deal of
intelligence, spirit and brilliancy!’

Josh laughed,
but then he turned towards me, all humour gone
from his face. ‘I’m perfectly serious. And I’d like
to add that there
was clearly more
of Marianne about Anne than most people would
credit. A young woman with feelings and emotions,
just like you.
Listen, Sophie,
it’s none of my business, but I know someone’s hurt
you. I just want to say that I’m here if you ever
want to talk about
it, or if you
ever need a true friend.’

I was so touched,
I nearly wept. ‘You’re such a gentleman,
Josh, in the true, old-fashioned sense of the word,
but honestly, you
don’t know the
half of it.’

‘Oh, I think I
probably know enough about broken hearts to
have a little idea. But, I do understand that you
are essentially a
private person
when it comes to matters of love and I promise, I
won’t pry.’

‘There was
someone who broke my heart,’ I said, wondering
if I really wanted to tell him more. ‘He went off
with a friend of
mine. I loved
her as much as I loved him.’

‘Sophie, I’m so
sorry.’

‘I’m fine about
it now. I’m over it, really. It just felt such a
blow losing the two people who meant the whole
world to me. My
Dad’s been so
kind and I don’t know what I’d have done without
him. It’s just that lately I’ve felt really lonely
… lonely and alone.
Quite a lot
alone, if you want to know the truth.’

I’d never
admitted any of that to myself before and I felt a bit
embarrassed saying it now, telling Josh all the
deep secrets of my
heart. I thought
I’d better change the subject. ‘Thanks, Josh; it’s
been a lovely exhibition. I’ve loved seeing these
costumes and I
feel totally
inspired.’

Josh put his
hand out to stroke my arm. ‘Sophie, I wish I could
take all that hurt away and make you feel better.’

He was so sweet;
I just wanted to kiss him. And I did. Without
thinking, I stood up on my toes and kissed him on
his cheek. It was
such a
spontaneous moment but the next minute, I was totally
blown away. Josh’s eyes locked with mine. The
feeling was so
powerful I could
hardly look at him. His expression was so intense;
it was as if he’d reached inside my soul to touch
my heart. It
happened so
quickly. I felt those long fingers in my hair, his warm
lips on mine and before I knew it, we were kissing
one another. A
long, slow and
tender kiss, that took me completely out of this
world.

When it was
over; it seemed for a minute that neither of us
knew what to say. I was completely dazed for one
thing and when
I dared to look
Josh in the eye again, I saw him bite his bottom lip.

‘Sophie, I
shouldn’t have done that; I apologize with all my heart.’

I was in shock.
All I remember is hearing the sound of
footsteps entering the room only to disappear as quickly and
thinking that if I’d been the person to stumble
across us locked in
each other’s
arms, I, too, would have beaten a hasty retreat.

I felt Josh’s
arms loosen and he suddenly looked embarrassed.
I really wasn’t helping matters and knew I must
find my tongue.

‘No, don’t
apologize, it was my fault.’

‘It was very
wrong of me. I know you’re feeling very
vulnerable.’

‘But, I am quite
capable of making up my own mind and I
needn’t have kissed you back. I admit, it took me by surprise but
then I found I wanted to kiss you.’

‘And I wanted to
kiss you,’ said Josh, taking my hand in his,
and bringing my fingers to his lips. He turned over
my hand
planting a soft
kiss on my palm. ‘Forgive me?’

‘Only if you
forgive me.’

There didn’t
seem to be much more to be said and as Josh let
go of my hand and started talking about Captain
Wentworth’s
uniform,
pointing out the bicorne hat on display, the awkwardness
passed. It was as if nothing had happened and
though in that
moment of
madness I’d responded without hesitation, I didn’t feel
entirely comfortable about what had happened. I
felt safer now
things seemed
back as they were before. I didn’t need any more
complications in my life right now and clearly Josh
felt the same.