Selfless: A Relentless Series Novella (The Relentless Series Book 3) (9 page)

I grinned through the tears that we’re threatening to fall. His voice was sure. Certain. Strong. Exactly what I needed.

“I can’t lose you again, Amanda.”

The force in his voice reassured me, and for the first time in too long, I had hope for our future.

“And if I freak out, you’ll give me the space I need to figure it out?”

“I promise.”

“This isn’t going to be easy.”

He pushed a piece of hair back from my face. My loose bun had started falling and tendrils of hair framed my face. “The best things never are, but I’m through fighting this. We’re both miserable without each other. I thought letting you go was the best thing for you, but it was just me being selfish because I’m too scared to face my insecurities. You know I don’t believe in fate, but maybe fate brought us back together.” I sighed as he kissed my forehead. “Everything I’ve ever done has been for you. All I have ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy. If I knew then, what I know now, I would’ve done things differently.”

His fingers brushed along my cheeks and every thought he had was finally visible to me. It was like we were kids again. I finally understood where his fears came from now that he wasn’t hiding everything from me.

“You have always been my other half. Time didn’t change that, but I was just so damn stubborn that I never realized how empty my life was until I found you again.”

“Where do we go from here?” I asked.

“Forward I hope, that is if you can forgive me for being an idiot.”

I smirked. “I assumed that much when you decided to quit hiding out in Vegas.” He smiled, and I continued. “I’ve been waiting for you without even knowing it, Rhys. Every relationship I’ve had has always been wrong. I didn’t know why, but I do now.”

I ran my hand along his neck and played with the hair at the nape of his neck. His long hair felt silky in my fingertips, and I loved the sight of him relaxing against my hand.

“I have to go to New York tomorrow, but I should be back by next Saturday. Micah pushed me to come, but he was the idiot that scheduled a business meeting in the middle of me trying to win you back. I couldn’t wait to talk to you though. It’s been hell trying to figure out how to get you to speak to me and what to say. I’d prepared myself for you to tell me to fuck off, especially after you wouldn’t return my calls or texts.”

He sat down in the oversized lounge chair and tugged me down on his lap. I snuggled my face against his neck and breathed in his woodsy scent. Being around Rhys reminded me of home. Or at least it was the home I loved when he was next to me.

“I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want to risk getting rejected again.”

“Shortcake, I was terrified. I called Gage before you even left the parking lot because I knew you wouldn’t let me take care of you, but he could. I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to give up something you loved for me. You can’t quit acting just because of me.”

“Rhys—”

“I won’t let you give it up. Acting is a major part of who you are and—”

“Rhys, stop—”

“You’ve won an Oscar—”

“Rhys! I’m quitting because I want a baby, not because you’re jealous.”

He stared at me blankly for a second. “What?”

“I want a baby,” I said slowly. “Before you came back into my life, I was full charge ahead with an IUI. Once I finished my work in Canada, I planned to do everything possible to get pregnant as soon as possible.” I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but I needed to finish before he said anything else. “I had an appointment with an OBGYN scheduled two days after I saw you at the hospital.”

His mouth opened and shut, but no words came out.

“I cancelled the appointment.”

The words were barely out of my mouth before his lips were on mine. I sighed into his mouth. His hands cupped my face gently. My fingers gripped his shirt and I moaned as he deepened the kiss. His fingers moved to the zipper of my dress.

“Rhys, wait.” My words were muffled by his mouth following mine as I pulled back. “I want a baby. The only reason I took this role was to allow us time to figure out what was going on between us.”

“Okay,” he said slowly.

“If we do this,” I motioned between us. “Then you have to be okay with that. I don’t mean in two years when everything settles down. I want one now. I’m thirty, thirty-one soon, and I won’t wait.”

He grinned devilishly. “We can start now.”

I giggled as he threw me over his shoulder and made his way to the bedroom. The sting of his hand on my ass was a promise for the fun we were in for tonight.

Sophia and I sat talking quietly. We were discussing the scenes that Connor and I would be filming next week. My sunglasses kept slipping down my face from the sweat that was gathering on my nose. I was trying not to stare at her pregnant belly. Envy surged through my veins each time I looked down, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my mood.

Violet and Jax walked out of the kitchen looking guilty as hell. Those two were constantly attached at the lips even after being married for a few years now. It was adorable and nauseating at the same time.

“So is everyone here yet?” Violet called out.

“Rhys didn’t make his flight, so he’s not coming,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. Taylor shot me a look and I flushed. We hadn’t talked about my relationship with Rhys much since Stephen came home from the hospital.

“Well, we have some exciting news,” Jaxon said, wrapping his arm around Violet’s waist. “We’re pregnant.”

I felt all the blood rush from my face. How could I pretend to be happy for my friends when I wanted what they had so much? Everyone started talking at once and asking a million questions. It was easy for me to slip into the background to give myself a second to compose my emotions.

“We would have told everyone sooner, but we found out the day of Stephen’s accident. With everything going on,” Violet trailed off.

Taylor wrapped her sister up in a huge hug. I watched from the side, trying to keep it together. When it was my turn, I took a deep breath and planted a fake smile on my face that I had used a million times on set.

“I’m so happy for you guys. Congratulations!”

This was eating me up inside. Every single fiber of my being was screaming at me to get out of here before I broke down into a blubbering mess. I wanted, no
needed
, to be thrilled for my friends instead of letting jealousy consume me.  Violet knew this was difficult for me, but I couldn’t bring myself not to congratulate them. If she only knew it was so much worse than she thought. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them; it was the fact that I wanted their little family so badly that I felt it in my bones.

When it was my turn I hugged them both and excused myself quickly. My hands shook and I knew I couldn’t keep pretending I was okay. I was an actress, but apparently I wasn’t prepared for this role. It was hard to focus through my tears as I made my way through the house to the small bathroom.

My hands braced on the sink as I let the overwhelming sense of pain and torture take over. I choked back loud gasping sobs so no one heard me. My eyes were squeezed shut trying to pretend that my pain wasn’t real, that I wasn’t ripping apart at the seams I had so carefully pieced back together. If I could convince myself it was a role I was playing, maybe I could get through this in one piece.

Strong arms wrapped around me from behind and my eyes flew open. My eyes met Gage’s in the mirror. He pulled me back against his chest and I turned to grab onto him. I threw my arms around his neck and I dug my fingers into his shirt, clutching it tightly in my hands. I’m not sure how he knew I needed him, but I was thankful he was here.

“It’s not fair,” I whispered. “I just want—” A shuddering gasp broke from my chest and the tears came faster. “It’s not that I’m not happy for them.”

“I know that.
They
know that.”

“Gage, my life is a mess.”

He hugged me tighter against his body. “It’s going to be okay. On Monday you can call the doctor and set your appointment back up. There’s no reason for you to wait any longer. If Rhys really wants to be in your life then he’ll understand.”

“He said he did, but now he’s not
here
. Not physically or emotionally. When do I finally come first? I’m so sick of him putting me off because of work. He says he wants to be with me, but it’s like he’s too scared to actually do something about it. When did I turn into this whiny bitch?”

Gage rubbed my back in soothing circles. Somehow he was always here for me. I loved Violet and Taylor, but Gage had become my best friend. He was always there when I needed him most. Trusting people didn’t come easy to me, and I didn’t let people in often, but Gage had proven to me time and again that he was an amazing friend.

“You should
always
come first. Rhys is a fool if he loses you again because he can’t man up. If I had someone like you nothing would come before you.”

“I’ve got to get out of here.” My voice was shrill to my own ears. Air wouldn’t fill my lungs and little dots filled my vision.

“Amanda, you need to breath. Take a deep breath.” Gage’s calm voice broke through the panic attack threatening to overtake me. “Focus on my eyes. I need you to breath with me.”

We took a few deep calming breaths and I didn’t feel like my heart was going to pound through my chest anymore.

“Where’s your stuff? I’ll grab it and get you out of here.” His voice was calm and reassuring.

“You don’t need to do that. I feel better now.” I tried to smile. “Thank you for helping me calm down.”

“Quit faking it with me. I know you better than that and I want to help you.”

I shook my head. “You don’t need to leave. I’m okay to get back to my house.”

Gage clenched his jaw. “Damn it, Amanda. Tell me where your stuff is.”

I sighed. “Fine. It’s next to Sophia at the table where we were sitting.”

He grimaced and his voice came out strained. “Yeah, you’ve got to get out of here today.  I’ll be right back.”

I watched him open the door and slip out quietly. Turning back towards the mirror, I took in my puffy eyes and red nose. Why did this affect me so much? I should be overjoyed for my friends, but God it hurt. There was so much longing there I couldn’t truly be happy for them.

Gage’s deep voice was muffled through the door, but I heard him telling someone I wasn’t feeling well and he was taking me back to his apartment. He had me out the door and into his car in seconds. I laid my head back on the headrest and counted down the seconds until I could curl up into a little ball and sleep away all the bullshit from this day.

Somehow in the short five minute drive to his place I fell asleep. Gage gently shook my shoulder to wake me. I groggily followed him up to his apartment and immediately sat down on his couch.

“Do you need anything?”

I shook my head and saw him frown. He crossed the room and sat down on the couch next to me. My shoulders were stiff, but he pulled me under his arm. It took me a few minutes to relax, but soon I was lying on the couch with my head in his lap. His fingers ran through my hair gently, each stroke taking more of the anguish and stress away.

He paused his movements when my phone buzzed from the coffee table in front of us. I reached out to grab it, but he took it from me. The look in his eyes was disbelief and anger when he saw the name on the screen.

“Where the fuck are you dude?”

I heard muffled voices on the other end, but I couldn’t tell who it was. I had one guess though and if Gage got his way I’m sure Rhys would get an earful.

“Sure. She’s okay right now, but—”

It was frustrating that I could only hear Gage’s side of the conversation.

“Yeah,” he paused, glancing down at me. “That works.”

He set the phone down next to him on the arm of the couch.

“What was that about?”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you okay now?”

I huffed out a frustrated breath. “I’m fine, Gage. It was Rhys on the phone wasn’t it?” He nodded once. “Is he coming?”

He set his jaw and stared forward. My heart sank. Would this be the constant cycle with Rhys? When things were good, they were amazing, but when they were bad or I needed him, things were the worst they could be.

“He’s trying to get here, but his plane got delayed,” he finally said.

“I’m fine.”

Gage laughed softly. “Are you channeling Taylor now?

For the first time in hours, I attempted a smile. “I guess I am.” I shifted onto my back so I was looking up at him. “I wanted to believe that I could make things work with Rhys. I think I was just kidding myself though. I’m always going to be an afterthought. Even though we talk every day, he is keeping something from me.”

“Don’t count him out yet. There’s more going on than you know about.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’ve obviously talked to him about what happened today, and he’s not coming.”

“He’s trying.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that. Don’t make excuses for him, Gage. He told me he was going to
try
to come out last week, and the week before that. I’m just not important enough for him to change his plans, and I’m too stubborn to go to him. Work always comes first with him, and he never tells Micah no when he wants him to go check out another investment property. Rhys left
me
, so if he wants me back then he needs to work for it.” I took a deep breath. “You’re right about the appointment. I’m going to reschedule it.”

A smile curled his lips and a little dimple showed in his chin. God, whatever woman got this amazing guy would be so lucky. I sat up and turned to look at Gage, realizing our lips were only inches apart.

“Gage,” I trailed off. My fingers ran through the hair at the nape of his neck. Shock registered on his face, but he didn’t pull away. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. He didn’t open to my tongue teasing the seam of his lips. I pulled away quickly and sat up, moving away from him on the couch. Embarrassment heated my cheeks and I couldn’t meet his gaze. His hands dropped to his lap and I turned towards him.

“Amanda, this isn’t a good idea. You don’t want me, you want Rhys, and I’m not willing to become a substitute.” He huffed out a breath. “Believe me, if I was lucky enough to get someone like you I wouldn’t fuck it up like he is.”

I looked away. “I’m sorry. I should go.”

He grabbed my arm before I could stand up. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you don’t need to go. You’re confused and sad. God, I wish you actually meant that kiss, but I know you only did it because you just want to be close to someone right now.”

Tears pricked at my eyes. “I’m so lost.”

I sounded like a lost child. Gage pulled me into his chest and let me cry. Big heaving sobs wracked my body as I cried. He ran his fingers through my hair and held me tight to his chest as I finally broke down and let all the pain and frustration out.

I woke up to a dark living room. Gage had covered me with a blanket, but he wasn’t sitting with me anymore. My face flushed as I remembered the stupid decision I’d made kissing him. He was right though, I hadn’t wanted him; I had only wanted the comfort he offered. God, I owed him another apology and maybe a nice bottle of Macallan for putting up with my insanity.

The door opened and Gage was speaking to someone behind him as he came into the apartment. I glanced behind the couch and Rhys was standing there next to him. He pushed past Gage when he saw I was glaring at him.

“Mandi, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier. Baby, I’m so fucking sorry. I missed my flight, then I had to try to figure out another way here.”

He tugged me up into his arms and my arms wrapped around his wide shoulders. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his neck. We could deal with the fact that he wasn’t there when I needed him later, right now I just wanted to soak him in.

Gage stood in the doorway looking at us. When I opened my eyes he smiled sadly at me. Was he wistful? I mouthed ‘thank you’ to him and he nodded once. I watched him turn and walk towards his bedroom. The door shut with a quiet click. Rhys’ arms tightened around me and I refocused.

“I thought you weren’t coming?”

“That was never the plan, I just didn’t know if I would be able to catch another flight out. Everything was booked and I was getting nowhere with the airlines. Gage called me and told me what happened. He also strongly suggested that if I didn’t get here by tonight he was going to kick my ass.”

Something inside me snapped. Rhys was making jokes when I was devastated. He didn’t know how bad it was earlier.

“He’s right though. I needed you and you weren’t here.” I pulled away and stared up into his eyes. “I told you how much having a baby meant to me, but we’re still in the same exact place we were two months ago, Rhys. You’ve cancelled two trips to visit and you almost missed this one.”