Sex and the Confession Box (4 page)

BOOK: Sex and the Confession Box
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Susie picked up the folded notes and there was two hundred pounds wow he left a tip of two hundred seriously is that normal, rarely you do occasional get tips but not this much she said handing me a ton. Thank you, you earned it.You did really well but you scared the fuck out of me when you slapped him I thought he was going to go mental and punch you, I’m so sorry it was a reflex action, you were amazing thank you, well I have been doing it long enough to know how to put on a good show. Show yeah,so all that with you and me there was nothing to it I said innocently, she looked at me with her eyebrows folded in and a tilt of the head, no I’m not gay or bi she said I did a show that’s what they like, you do it you pretend.Fuck you had me nearly coming that’s some acting, some has to be real, well yeah I did get wet natural ,but I go somewhere in my head, like shopping list or what I want for my lunch, it’s an act. You did pretty well, I thanked her and was so confused now even more. So does this mean mi gay or bi because I didn’t know it was an act? Or did I just go with what was happening played along, why so excited. Doreen came in well, how did your first threesome go? She did swell Dor, going for a shower you can go after me if you like. I nodded, well do you think you could do this again, as she put £250 she agreed to give me into my hand, for less than thirty minutes I’d just made £350 quid,yeah I said gripping the dirty cash I can.Great she said, well the rest of the clients are booked in for Susie it’s her week but I will ring you as soon as I get a punter in a hotel so be ready cause it will be on the same day call out so be prepared and but some new undies and costumes even one of each then you can build them up its always good to have your own unique taste for your own style. Susie shouted from bathroom all yours, I smiled at Doreen and went into the bathroom and locked the door, I wiped the steam from the mirror and looked at me, and I looked like me, had I changed in just half an hour? Yes it began to crawl through my veins like an inch a creeping ivy plant of guilt of shame I felt it it start inside and I couldn’t get in to cut it out. I covered the mirror with the towel and just washed from the sick using warm water and some expensive honey soap. Drying and rinsing I tied me but I just needed to go home to my son to lift him into my arms and smell the sweet innocent smell, breath in his love and feel his ting wee arms around my neck and hold him, tears rolled down my face as I patted them away before going in to say goodbye to Doreen and that I’d be waiting for her call and Susie who I never saw again.

 

Eileen’s Story
.

 

I rang for a cab when I had left the house it was a number I had used before when I had been out in Belfast with friends or him. It didn’t take it more than five minutes to come I had walked down the road to a local church was not far up from the “Wellington Park Hotel”. I got in the back and asked to be dropped into the city centre of Belfast. The taxi driver didn’t chat he could probably pick up from my energy that I just wasn’t in the talking mood. Shops whizzed by, were about love in-shops please, we pulled up outside and I gave him a whole£5,00 told him to keep the £2.00 change, walked through pottingers entry my heels clicking on the cobbled stones felt cold and empty. Had to fill that hole but more importantly had to fill my food cupboard instead of going to Tesco’s something took me into Marks and Sparks I loved here always reminded me of my wee granny she loved it, expensive though good stuff. I started looking at the kids clothes and bought my wee man a nice pair of dungarees and a cosy jumper, so dear I wouldn’t have been so flamboyant but I started to feel the blood in my face again and that little beat of a heart. Over to the undies and I picked up a classic  black lace Basque you know the one with the suspenders attached at the bottom a black lace thong and two pairs of M/S best stockings I walked over to the counter and queued up to pay for my goodies. The guy a woman in her mid-forties began chatting in a normal fashion how cute the wee dangers were and ooh!this must be for Mr right. I felt such a flush of shame my face burnt I almost just ran away from the counter what if she knew ,could she tell soon would they know. I most have went someone else in my head, because I felt a touch on my hand are you ok the name lady said who’s name tag said Maggie,oh!yes sorry I must have went somewhere else in my head there.Thats ok!i do that all the time. That will be £72.48p please I handed over the cash so easily, before this My son James and I  had lived on that for one week that was food for the two of us my two dogs! Along with electric and heating, most weeks everyone else got feed and I lived on £0.11p Tesco noodles mixed with a bit of mayo yep I’m a total minger but try first before you judge! I walked down to the food court and got one of their baskets, I felt dirty and rich all at the same time “Dirty Rich”! I usually only come here to get stuff at Christmas some luxury items, not today. I filled it with yummies,their prawn salad,risoto,ice cream for James, cookies meatballs, liver for the dogs and two bottles of my favourite wine McGuigans red merlot and a huge bag of onion rings and cheese puffs, tingles all over. Out of there over to the bus stop get home to my wee man and the troops of animals I’d adopted over the years when things had been great,. They couldn’t go I couldn’t let go of my fluffy friends, they may have got put down, I told myself that what I was doing was for my son to keep our home and feed us and stop all the animals going to homes. I couldn’t get any money from the dole till they went through all my accounts and my ex who had took himself of back to Dublin where he came from and this time he could stay there. Though with the last of what little savings I had and the dole deciding what I was entitled to and the banks constant threatening letters to repossess the house as I hadn’t paid the mortgage in five months and until the dole kicked in and they played the interest at least I was well and truly fucked in more ways that day.

But now, now I was in control, taking back my life at whatever the cost. Now I would take care of James and I and we wouldn’t rely on another man ever again I told myself as the bus to Antrim pulled up, I stepped back and knew where I had to go.

 

As I left Father Peter behind and running down the pathway of sacred heart chapel clutching my newly bought goodies in my arms the tears streaming down my face I ducked in behind a statue of Saint Patrick and sloped up against it, slowly sliding down the grass and looked up into o the sky and cried out “Why couldn’t you have saved me? Why couldn’t you gave me a miracle, why is all this happening to maim a good person, i, m a good person I sobbed.” I don’t doubt it” I heard and there he was, Father Peter.maybe god sent you me, if you’ll let me help you IL try. I smiled up at him, thinking I’m already damned to hell I stepped over that line today and god said there’s no going back when you cross over.

He helped me up of the damp grass and took my bags that seemed to matter at the time, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side as we walked back towards the house of god! Back in the parish houses kitchen he said this calls for tea I think and I bet you haven’t eat en a thing. I said nothing all hunched over, why did you run off on me then Eileen, shrugged again like a teenage sulking and being given the third degree. I don’t care if you feel you can’t trust me or if you feel you can’t tell me what’s on your mind but for god’s sake tell me you’re going to be ok, tell me your phone number or your address so I can keep in touch know your safe, cause there’s no way I’m letting you out of my sight till you do, I wouldn’t be able to sleep worrying about you. Do you always get this worked up over your flock? No he said looking into my eyes but it hit me straight in my heart only the ones I care. He was holding out a big mug of good strong tea and as I took it, I didn’t take my eyes of him as I said it out loud for the first time. I had sex with a man today for money. He didn’t take his eyes of me and ever so casually said now was that so hard and turned back to get his own cup. I sat eyes darting back and forth puzzeled.Did he hear what I said? Did he understand what I meant? He sat opposite me on the wooden kitchen chair. Feel better, feel confused I said, about what you did, no your reaction, Do you think you’re the first woman to ever confess that to me now come on,i,ve been a priest a few years I’ve had men confess that to me!OH!So I don’t repulse you now, you don’t want me to leave for fouling up your kitchen, now you listen here he said in an irate angry voice don’t you ever think like that about yourself or judge me that way either, do you hear me he had got up now of his seat and was pacing the floor as he spoke to me, rubbing his hands through his thick jet-black/blue hair all worked up and bothered.I,ve angered you I should leave as I got up to go he said no don’t go, and took my hand, this is more than what you are, more than what you’ll ever be,dont think what you did today is what you are, it isn’t I seen that the minute I lay eyes on you. Those beautiful eyes of yours full of compassion and so much hurt and before he could say another world I committed my second mortal sin of the day I kissed a holy man, I kissed him hard on the full full open moth and he kissed me and it was beautiful and warm and no angels cried but sang inside my stomack.He pulled me in close and I felt that it was god holding me telling me it was alright I was saved I was forgiven. This is it this is my miracle Father Peter was my hero on the white horse. He smelled of that familiar smell my dad did like old spice but a rummy mixed in, that sight roughness of his cheeks brushing of mine, he puts his hands on my face and began kissing the warm salty tears that were now trickling down my cheeks and he said it and it was right it’s all right” I will take care of you. He just held me for what felt like an eternity then gently sat me back on the wooden chair and he opposite again though he never let go of my hand.

He sat smiling, been a long time since a woman kissed me but never in all my days has a woman kissed with such passion or did I make her cry while doing it, he smiled. I looked at the clock and near shit I was late to collect James from the child minder, I hadn’t left him with my parents to many questions to many lies to tell. God Peter my son I, m late I have to go.Oh! no problem ill drive you we priest do get some wee luxuries that come in handy, he nodded his head to the back door of the parish house as he lifted his keys from the wee basket by the door and pulled on a windbreaker jacket and unlocked the door and out to the drive of the church yard sat a nice wee Clio blue, here she is, gets me to all those last confessions and hospital visits. He opened my door like a perfect gentleman and put my bags in the back seat. Where to I don’t even know here you live.Antrim, oh country girl, well not really actually born here in Belfast “Ardoyne”yeah, that’s why I came to this church, baptised here and my granny used to come all the time and me with her when I stayed so it’s a safe haven. Well you don’t have an accent no, kinda posh northern one, people thing I’m Australian or English. Right Antrim it is he said turning left to go over the black mountains to home to James to wine? To now what?

 

On the drive over the black mountains it was quiet, it was so foggy every time you drove through them so vast and beautiful and you were always sure to see some wee Belfast man walking a few greyhounds, my heart always hope that they were well care for animals having one of my own. Father peter interrupted my train of thought you wouldn’t believe that years ago the IRA used these grounds to train, to learn how to shoot the British soldiers would you. I know my dad and mum told me all about it they say there still some buried bodies here here.Well what I know is there are a lot of lost souls that’s for sure said Father Peter.I sat looking at this great big man beside me and I wondered what would drive him to his own hell. He looked normal as priests can look but looking at him he was torn, so sure he knew others pain but what of his own past that drew him to lock himself up into himself into the priesthood? Why did you become a priest, well I had to ask, better sooner than later? Was wondering when you would ask me that? Well your obviously in as much pain as me, you think he said d looking at me to long that made me uneasy on this ole back road. Yes I do. Well it was my father, he was a drunk a nasty one who took great pleasure in beating me mother and us if we stopped him. One night he went too far put her in hospital just after she’d has a hysterectomy and so me and my brothers all took it in turns punching the ole bastard,a warning you know, my mother was a good woman and would never leave him against the sanctity of the church she’d say to us when we begged her me and me four brothers. WE
threatened the evil cunt before but he just laughed in our faces and told us we were just like him, turns out he was right as we all enjoyed our revenge as we each layed our punches on our da,the times he’d beaten us and our mother we give it to him. Turns out to hard us we Ruptured his spleen and he bleed to death in his armchair by the old kitchen fire. We all had to leave the Garda knew it was us but knew the type he was and put it down to him falling down the stairs drunk on the whiskey. Two of me brothers went to Dublin two to Canada, me I joined the priesthood not till after I turned to drink myself.Could,nt forgive myself for killing my dad, never mind what he was, I didn’t mean to kill him, none of us did, it ate away at me, so this is my penance serve God earn his and my dad’s forgiveness.

Wow
I’m so sorry I said reaching across and rubbing my hand of his soft stubbled,nothing at all happen’s without the big man’s say so, know you may find that hard to take in and many do and some days I do struggle with it.But think about it if there is this almighty heavenly being that is the  creator do you really think if he didn’t want any particular thing to be it would. No he has a plan we might not like it or even understand it but he has it all sorted. So that way I accept that my father was all always going to die that way at mine and me brothers hand that was his his fate and take you and me.What about us I said, this was fate wouldn’t you think? I did think but I wasn’t sure I could buy into it, I had to become a whore for a man to love me ?I don’t know we could have met when I attended service, yes but you wouldn’t have seen this side of me I wouldn’t have seen the real you and Eileen I believe we were meant to meet, for what to fall for each other though not be able to be are you mad?Thats cruel for any god considering what you have been through and me in my lifetime if your saying that god brought us together cause we are meant to be how the hell are we going to make that happen Peter.? He pulled the car slowly of the road into a wee side near a withered old oak tree, UN did his seat belt and turned round full to me and face on.

BOOK: Sex and the Confession Box
5.96Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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