Sex and the Confession Box (5 page)

Eileen if god didn’t bring me to you then he sure as hell won’t take me from you and kissed me like a man gone mad that with every touch of his lips against mine was a wash of sin away from his soul he held me like he had once held in all his childhood tears as boys can’t cry all those tears and pain came in that kiss of pure love of years of wanting his hands so big like big shovels holding m
ine melting into their strong gentleness and willingness to be loved and needing to be, wanting all this  in this embarace. Our warm tears caressed on each other’s cheeks. He stopped say you believe your mine to be, say it even if in your heart you don’t know how just believe for in this moment we are one. Yes Peter I believe it I believe you, I will love you like you deserve, like you should be loved, your mine, your meant to be here with me here and now and in this moment now I love you as much as any man in this entire universe could possible love another person. I sobbed with joy onto his shoulders, I sobbed with peace of mind that another man could and would love me again,not find me disgusting, not turn away and treat me with disgust or think it would be OK to beat me or treat me bad because I was a cheap whore. He wiped the tears away under my eyes, god you’re even beautiful when you cry and he held me. So now what shall we do?Run away with the poor box!

.
Eileen’s Story

The phone rang two weeks later a Sunday afternoon whilst James and I painted in our open plan kitchen living room. I answered without a thought all that was already another time away, “Hello” I said the familiar English accent on the other end of the line made me stand  up  to attention almost, hi Kara how are you? Hello Doreen, how are you wonderful honey I have a job for you this evening he’s a great tipper. You still there honey yes one moment Doreen I’ll take this in the other room. I turned to my young five year old son and said mummy has to talk in the other room you keep painting he nodded to engross in his hands all covered in gooey blue and green paint. HI! tonight you say yes or have you changed your mind?I,d already spent the £350 I’d made two days ago way to easy, all my goodies then I bought in oil and little left took us as a treat to the movies with Kfc after. Was I able to do this again, at all alone? These past two week’s so much had happened all a whirlwind of things and I still was no better or worse in some ways. Yes I’d met Father Peter and we had fallen hard for each other after that kiss by the road we’d talked and talked I’d told him I was his, he said he’d leave the priesthood for me and we’d move away, start fresh, start new. He had money put away for years when his mother had died six years ago she’d left the farm to all the son’s his brothers wanted nothing to do with it, wanted no part of anything to do with their dad’s farm which was well over 50acres and the house and all.

They all had went their different ways made their own money told Peter he could keep it blood money to them,
Peter to but he has sold it and put the money in an account telling himself he’s going to give it to a good charity there’s enough for us all to go anywhere fresh start. What do you say? All so exciting sitting in the middle of nowhere kissing sharing our souls we hadn’t even made love yet, it never went the far, it was more pure, more. It was love. He dropped me at my home and told me he’d call as soon as he’d spoke to his Bishop and made all the arrangements. Under no circumstances should I call the sacred heart chapel looking for him it would make matters worse. Wait he said and we will be together as one should as the universe has conspired it to be. That’s what I’d done I’d waited, and waited, with every call of the cruel ring tones of the phone my soul raised up in hope then lay still in the depths of my darkness when it wasn’t. But I’d heard nothing from him. Was he A priest just like the rest of the men I’d fallen for married a liar full of shit full of promises and where has that got me. A single mum with my only child’s father fucked of with some slut bitch whore (yes I know) and me in debt and danger of losing our home. Hone it’s for seven o clock this evening, dinner the whole works £1,500,fuck that would help with my mortgage arrears  !What will I do.

OK! I said where “The Europa hotel” Belfast oh! you know yes it very nice been to a wedding there classy, bring an overnight bag the room number is 489 floor five, if stopped or asked explain your meeting your boyfriend A Mr Jameson for the evening, if they call up he will confirm. He’s a regular and a very nice gent. Ok Doreen ring me tomorrow and tell me how you get on. Doreen yes hone anything else I should know? No he’s plain and simple bring some baby oil likes to give the girls a massage, you’ll do fine. I hung up the phone and went back into the living room where James had decided to redecorate our white lab Willow into a lovely multi coloured dog, the dog didn’t mind, Right looks like there’s two for the bath then. I began running a bath for James and going through my head I convinced myself right if Peter rings me by 6.30pm I won’t go that will be it, then I know he’s real, he,s going to save me from this, save James and I ,he’ll ring. If not then fuck him I’m own my own and I’ll do it.  He didn’t ring!

So arriving by taxi, in style not wanting to get my dress all messed up one I’d had but never wore actually got it in one of those second hand designers shops, you know where all the rich sell their designer clothes and we get to buy them at third of the cost. A little place called “DE Ja VA “on the Lisburn Road in Belfast it was beautiful Karen Millen long evening summer dress with chocolate brown woven straps clingy as you moved with your curves but not cheap so it clings, a mix of aqua blues and hint of leopard prints with beads at the bottom I teamed it with a rich cream jacket with sequins Karen Miller to love her stuff always had good taste and used to afford some good things when saved up would always but quality lasts longer in everything. I may be going cheap now but I wasn’t always cheap as they say. the jacket I’d wore for James christening a part of a trouser suit. I looked the part a business man’s girlfriend. Though my overnight bag would have definitely been a dead giveaway. I went in through the revolving doors, into the amazing entrance lobby it was a stunning hotel and once held the tile as the most blown up hotel in the world with thanks to the IRA, who now are at peace but we now have the add bonus of the real IRA, who are nowhere much to be found thank god for Belfast. I went straight towards the life head held high walked tall no one blinked an eye except me as the elevator doors closed I still hoped with that last breath I’d see Peter running towards me but no just the coldness of the life closing. It opened at floor five I went to room 484 as instructed by Doreen I stood there for what felt like two lifetimes and breathed in deep, once inside its just you Eileen you’re going to have sex with a total stranger no going back no Susie to save you. My trembling hand reached to the door and knocked a gentle knock of hopelessness. It opened and oh! ok again it was just a normal guy I still expected some weirdo creep pervert to emerge but he was normal(so far).hello I said I’m Kara Mr Jameson I persume? He laughed Kara you are a sight for sore eyes please come inches had a hint of an accent that I wasn’t quite sure of. He had an amazing suite ,may I take your coat oh yes thank you, so polite.

I expect them to treat me like shit,
like you see the way they speak to the girls who work on the street, like that perhaps that’s how I saw me, clearly they did not thank god. But why not wasn’t I the same? Same gig just different surroundings? Like I said before the cost also separates me and these girls, here on the street £15 for a blow job or £25 pound for full sex and again it’s nearly always without a condom! These yeah maybe at it a lot longer, older, fatter, ugly you’d do them for free but some wouldn’t even but them a drink to do them in a back alley, so why these guys why your husband, father or boyfriend? It’s nothing to do with you know this and make no mistake if you find out your guys been with someone like me or that poor girl who’s even more lost on the street it’s not your fault. Please any and all women reading this believe me ,it’s him it’s his thing his problem. He’s looking for excitement, something dirty something nasty or just a release an escape from the stresses the pressures of working the normal nine to five job the family life and all he’s expected to be. As much as that may offend you that he’s taken some girl from the back of an alley give her £25.00 and is doing it hard fucking her hard up the ass with no condom and fucking loving it all the sex the excitement of getting caught of the escape. Isn’t it better than an affair? Ask yourself that honest question? He feels nothing for this woman me or her, we are nothing to him, objects of pleasure, to control to own for that small ten minutes to an hour. He’s the man again this will do what he wants no questions, no begging or pretending to care. No affection just pure adrenaline fire pumping dirty fucking sex and no having to say I’m sorry when he fucks you to hard no worries about please us or making us come its purely all about him. HIM! He doesn’t love us or want to be with us, he won’t buy us gifts or imagine a life with us and he certainly will not leave us for you. So wouldn’t you rather he went with a whore like me or the cheaper whores on the street and came home to you and with remorse and guilt maybe bring flowers or do up the kitchen for you or whisk you and the kids away for a great weekends break. It happens ladies it happens every day.

Back to my Mr Jameson, Clarke he asked me to call him and I did. You are stunningly beautiful, why is a girl like you doing this, how did you get into this line of work he asked, sorry maybe it’s none of my business. It wasn’t but I answered saying as I sipped my glass of perfectly chilled champagne I’d develop a taste for this. It’s just one of those things you don’t plan you wake up one day and your husband has run of and cleared out all your bank accounts ran off with some cheap tramp and left you with the kid the mortgage the debts! I guess, well what a fool he was. Any man would be a fool to walk out on a stunning woman like you and it sounded like he had it all, he did I said but I guess it just wasn’t enough for him, or perhaps I wasn’t. Don’t think that he said sliding up beside me on the bed, your enough for any man he’s the bastard who never felt good enough for you, and believe me I know, I know how men think, he could never measure up. Thank you Clarke that’s so nice of you to say cheers he said and clinked my glass, cheers I said back. Thinking in my head ok this is ,not too bad, but I wasn’t me not the Eileen you’d know as a friend, daughter or mother. I’d done it and I don’t even know how. I’d taken on the role the persona of this person Kara, I’d taken on the persona the traits of a whore I was acting and I was good I never knew I could act but it must have always been there, the masks people wear, perhaps this is one of mine, a mask I had but didn’t know. Maybe I used it before, I know we all play act when we go on dates come across all sexy be what we think this guy across us like s wants us to be. We pretend in relationships in marriages at the start become what they want or what we think we should be, we slowly disappear and don’t even know who we were to begin with sometimes. We cook because his mother was a great cook, or we learn to use a sowing machine because his mum did, we do it from behind because he likes it that way even though we can’t come in this positon. We swallow even though we gag and have to force ourselves to swallow it down because he told us his hot sexy ex-girlfriend wife loved it. We do so much to be accepted to be loved to be liked by usually the wrong person. Then we look around and even after you did all this, you became his mother, you gave up that career even after you lost you and gained three four stone after having his children he walks out with some slapper he met at a bar or your best friend or your sister and tells you it’s your fault you’re not the person I met you’re not the person I fell in love with. You’ve changed and I don’t love you anymore, you disgust me look what you’ve become!!And you look and you look and you became what he wanted and now your alone with his children and became old before your time, fat and let yourself go, why not he stopped seeing you and worst you stopped seeing you. Now he’s free and you’re dead inside, feel like the nothing he made you become. It all happens so easily that you don’t even notice, it happened to me and I had to wake up, shake up and shape up. Great thing when your husband walks out and tells you’re a fat nothing, you stop eating, the stress the worry and the will power to do it now. I went from twelve and a half stone to eight stone two pounds in four and half months all with no exercise just pure hate and anger and walking the dogs oh yeah I couldn’t eat. I was back to how I first looked before I took on that garbage of a husband who sucked me dry in every way. Yeah I was broke in debt and forced to become a whore but I still felt better than I ever did when with him. Scary...

This guy Clarke made me feel more special than my very soon to be ex-husband ever did and he was paying for me £1, 500, hey not bad. He said we have a cosy table for our dinner date in the restaurant across the
street “Deans” have you ever been no I said. Well it’s in their exclusive private section up stairs they only have six tables very intimate, we have our own private chef just for us .How lovely, well I will just get my jacket and we can leave. Ok! I’ll powder my nose. I went into the bathroom, shit! I hadn’t expected us to be leaving the hotel what if I bump into someone I know, what they will think how will I explain the guy. Shit! Then I realised, hey hello you’re the only one, well me and Clarke that know why mi with him, it’s not like if I bump into an aunt or an uncle their going to know right away Eileen you’re a whore on a date!!I’ll say hello explain I thought it was about time I started to date again and ever so casually introduce Clarke who obviously feels the same way so it’ll be fine I’m sure it will be fine I tried to convince myself. Out I came all set my sweet date all set Clarke. As I necked the rest of my champagne to the back of my throat. He took my hand as we exited the elevator in the Europa hotel’s lobby saying a courteous good evening at the two staff on the reception as before they didn’t bat an eyelid in my direction or ours, we just looked like any normal couple staying at the hotel whatever normal may be that concept took on a complete new turn to me now. He seemed so comfortable with me to like it was a date I wanted to ask him why but that would have most definitely spoiled the mood and from what Doreen had said he was regular so he was used to this sort of thing. We crossed at the zebra crossing not speaking just holding hands and he kept smiling at me, I got a lot of heads turning in my direction it was something I hadn’t got in a long time since with my soon to be ex, mainly with the five extra stone and I didn’t leave the house often that and I usually kept my head down in shame. Now here I was a hooker and looking amazing and my head couldn’t be held any higher, makes no sense what’s so ever, even though inside I was really torn in two but I was role playing pushed those aside or I’d let go off this strangers hand and run, run up the road run in search of Father Peter slap him in the face and break down in his warm safe arms and kiss him. But I couldn’t I had to keep walking, keep pretending once again becoming something I’m not. Deans at smart very expensive restaurant opened in Belfast the in crowd place to be if you could afford and I could not with or without my ex. God I don’t know the last time I’d been on a date taken somewhere nice, spoilt you know treated like a lady, I was determined to enjoy this part at least the rest I would block out entirely. We entered the restaurant and it was very classy not overly big smooth wooden floorboards, walls painted an nice Victorian deep burgundy a curve of tables lay out on beautiful gold fashion not to close together  some filled couples, some with groups of diners. Our waiter asked if we had a reservation just then the owner himself came over as having recognised Clarke Hello Mr Jameson so good to see you again, how are you? Good thank you, and you sir I see business is good, yes wonderful. Will you be dining in your usual table? Yes that would be wonderful Dean. He ushered the young man behind the counter to take Mr Jameson’s coat and mine and to bring us to our table. Clarke helped me out of my coat and handed it to the young man who hung it on the nearby rack. He then showed us the way to the upstairs restaurant at Deans up a small flight of swirled metal steps to a delightful room light all with candle and just six beautiful round tables only for two guest. So very intimate, there were just two other couples other than ourselves and we were shown to our table near the beautiful lit fireplace. The waiter pulled out my chair as I sat down then adequately place a napkin onto my lap and Clarks. He offered Clarke the wine list and gave us both a moment to look it over before bringing the menu. Do you mind if I do the honours of choosing the wine, no that’s fine I like both red and white so please you choose. He glanced casually at the list then said to me how does a bottle of white wine sound to you, wet. I said with smile. He laughed I’ve had it before it’s a favourite indulgence of mine he sat it on the table, please excuse me he said I need to us e the little boys room could you tell the waiter we’ll have No 12, yes of course, Clarke excused himself and went down the stairs.