Authors: Karina Almeroth
Tags: #romance, #comedy, #girl power, #australian, #commodores
Well I guess you’ll be sleeping on
the floor then,” Ever retorted.
FUCK OFF I am – ”
I guess you better FUCK OFF THEN –
Oh my God, it was painful.
It continued all the way home, up the
(Beth even tried to push Ever down the stairs,
which he found absolutely hysterical, and started screaming – at
fucking two in the morning – “GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, LESBO!!!”),
and into bed.
I got stuck with both of them on either side of
Evvy was on his back, arms behind his head, me
curled up to him, resting my head on his arm, and Beth was laying
on her back, too.
The argument turned to me before long. “YOU
DON’T CARE ABOUT KARINA!!” Beth screamed.
HOW CAN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE
AFTER A COUPLA WEEKS!!” Ever screamed back.
I was surprisingly hurt by this. “Of course you
can care about someone after a few weeks!!” I joined in.
Oh so you care about me already?
After this short a time?”
I shut my mouth.
Ever laughed. “Doesn’t matter, cause I already
know the answer to that question.”
How?? I haven’t told you
You don’t need to use words,
Karina. It comes off you in pretty pink waves OOMPF! FUCK!! That
Sorry. My fist slipped -
(Beth cacked herself)
It’s just the type of person you
are, woman. All rainbows and love bubbles – ”
WHAT THE FUCK IS A LOVE BUBBLE!!!”
and pink unicorns that frolic,
and all fragile like – ”
I’M NOT FUCKING
(and then I burst into tears)
EVVY, YOU’RE SUCH A PRICK –
and he leaned in and kissed me.
I smacked him away. “Only guys who care about
me are allowed to do that!”
Oh sorry, I’ll stop then –
(he seriously LOVED us screaming at him and
hitting him. He was in his element)
Then I could feel my(drunk)self passing out,
but before I did, I could feel Ever watching me. Then he leant in
and trailed his fingers down my cheek, jaw and lips.
You just DON’T DO THAT SHIT, if you don’t care
Dan rang. He’s alive. Thank God, cause I really
was dreading telling my sister I lost her boyfriend last night and
no one knows where he is.
So this morning, Evvy offered to drive me to my
aunt’s, cause he swore I was way too drunk still to
It’ll take me two seconds, and your
aunt can bring you home.”
I found this surprising behavior by him, cause
for years Nat has told me Ever refuses to drive his car anywhere
for fear of scratches, wasting petrol, wasting money ON petrol,
But he was doing it for me!!!
Beth left early, telling Ever to “Shut your
stupid fucking ugly face!” to which Ever replied, “Nice to meet you
too, Lesbo!!”, then Ever and I jumped in his car.
The world was seriously spinning for me. Ever
glanced over at me and shook his head. “You seriously drank the
whole bar last night, woman. Never seen a girl drink like that
before – ”
It’s really not feeling like an
achievement right now – ”
I wasn’t saying it like it was an
achievement. Was stupid, really – ”
Oh thank you!!”
He was all boyfriend-like and stern this
morning. Was super hot. And being driven somewhere by a guy…I love
that. I don’t know why. Makes me feel cared for.
And it’s happened so rarely in my
Let’s get the little rager some
food, hey? Make you feel better.”
And he pulled into McDonalds off the motorway,
and ordered us a breakfast meal each. I handed him a ten dollar
note. Didn’t want to take his generosity too far. He’s the type of
guy who goes home and rocks in the corner, going, “Why did I spend
my ten dollars on that girl? Why?? Why??? I only have five hundred
million left now. Wish I hadn’t spent that ten dollars.”
He parked in the carpark and we ate together in
It was nice. Cozy. I actually really, really
like him. As a person and friend. Not sure about anything
He’s a lot of fun. But then I also like this
serious side of him.
We took off again, and I REALLY started to feel
sick. “Oh God – ” I murmured.
You should’ve seen the look on Evvy’s face
(fucking funny). “OH DEAR GOD NO!!” he started shouting.
No, I feel better now – ” But then
I did one of those burp/vomit things, where the vomit comes up in
your mouth but you hold it in.
I’M ON THE MOTORWAY!!! I CAN’T
He was seriously having a coronary. He started
driving 240km an hour.
That’s not helping,” I
I don’t CARE, I just DON’T WANT YOU
throwing up in my FUCKING CAR –”
While I held onto my stomach, Ever started
yelling, “Directions, DIRECTIONS!!! Where the fuck is your fucking
I pointed wildly, and clung to dear life as he
burned it round corners in surburbia now. If it wasn’t for how sick
I was, I would’ve been impressed and enjoying myself.
He did a pull up in my aunt’s driveway much the
same as mine that time at Mary Street. I opened the car door before
his car had even stopped, and hurled everywhere. Then I did Evvy’s
move and fell out of the car.
(luckily I’m so skilled at projectile vomiting!
I spewed so far and wide-reaching that I DIDN’T land in my own
Ever started laughing wildly. “OH FUCK THAT’S
I dragged myself up off the ground, and reached
in for my bag. “I feel MUCH BETTER now – ”
And thank GOD you didn’t spew in my
Your concern really touches me,
Evvy – ”
No worries, woman. You’re a fucking
I thanked him (for being an ass) for driving
me, and slammed his door, extra hard. He flinched. Like his car
door is precious.
Must admit, I am laughing now.
I went out with Nick and all his mates tonight.
Met them at Dicey Riley’s at Garden City.
Was such a kerfuffle. Cause Dan rang, demanding
I go out with them all, but after my performance last night, I
really was not up for it.
But Ever and I had actually made (drunken)
plans last night to go out to movies tonight, so I rang Ever
telling him Dan wanted us to go out, and he can go out with him if
he wants, and Ever was all, “But I’ve got plans with you,” like he
did not understand changes of plan at all.
I was all, “No, go have fun with your mates,
it’s the last public holiday tomorrow for awhile – ”
You’re not gonna pitch a girl fit?
Like your sister and Josie do all the time??”
No, I’m not going to! Stop lumping
me in with them – ”
Yeah, they don’t tackle cops and
get arrested and drink like a sailor and vomit over yards AND fall
out of cars – ”
Hey, two of those things YOU’VE
THANKS TO YOU!!”
Five minutes later, he rings back, saying
they’re all going to the movies and he’ll pick me up at seven. I
was all, no, I’ll meet yous there…
(don’t know why I was acting like
this…something to do with independence and boyfriends and I NEED MY
And then another phone call – he wanted me to
meet them at 9pm at the cinema. Meanwhile I knew from Dan and him
that they were all meeting at Josie’s at seven.
So then I felt left out, cause why couldn’t I
just drive to Josie’s and meet them at seven? It’s like he didn’t
want me with his mates. Or at Josie’s.
Yet he did offer to pick me up at 7 that very
So then I got all confused and rang and
cancelled on him, and Ever just sounded really put out.
Then Nick rang, and I thought, why not. Least
I’m really wanted with Nick!!
We went out a few weeks back, remember Diary??
It was fun, drinking with them, laughing, chatting.
I only had two drinks but felt very tipsy very
quickly, and probably should not have drove. THEN, as I’m pulling
out of Garden City, I see a cop waving a night stick, and I thought
he was pulling me over to breathalyze me, so I pulled up close to
him (absolutely packing it), rolled my window down, and he went,
“Yes, miss, can I help you?”
Oh, I thought you were pulling me
over – ”
No. I’m directing
Oh dear God. Why don’t I just ask him to
breathalyze me and put me in jail (again)??
He waved me on, and I peeled away from the curb
as unroarishly as possible.
Sat 3 June 2000
I am so fucking sick. Doc says I have whooping
cough. Got all next week off work. I already rang Renee in Bali,
told her, and she said I deserve the week off anyway after running
the ENTIRE COMPANY while they all frolicked in paradise for over a
She also mentioned Trent from The Boyz was
super impressed by how I handled him the other day. Joy, the boss’s
sister and accounts manager, drummed it into my head, if any salons
are 60 days overdue on their accounts, do not release their order.
She like grabbed me and kept saying it over and over.
I was to call her or Gerry or Daryl Agnew
(state manager and The Boyz’s shampoo rep) and get their
So of course Trent calls, demanding where the
fuck is his fucking order, and when I said his account needs to be
paid, he just screamed louder, screaming didn’t I know who he
(yes, a giant pain in my ass)
So I hung up from him, rang Joy, rang Gerry,
rang Renee, rang Daryl Agnew, rang DY the boss even – no go. All
phones went to voicemail.
I even rang Nat. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE
FUCKING BOSSES??” I screamed into her voicemail.
Matt chose that moment to walk upstairs. He
laughed. “You’re handling this well then?” he joked.
I was all, “MATT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO
DO!!! The Boyz want their order TODAY, but Joy told me to release
Matt laughed again, and came to sit beside me.
“Calm down, Karina. It’s just shampoo.”
Right, right. Good advice. So someone doesn’t
get their hair done?? Big deal.
HUGE DEAL in the salon community apparently.
They’re all a bunch of queens. Who demand their hair be
The phone rang. I just KNEW it was The Boyz.
“Oh FUCK, it’s The Boyz again.”
Matt stood up. “Release their order, Karina.
They’re one of our biggest customers.”
Turns out was good advice by Matt. Trent
completely changed and was all, “You’re a good woman. What’s your
name again?? And when am I taking you out to dinner??”
Then ALL of them rang, one after the other.
Like they were all tagteaming calling me back AFTER THE CRISIS IS
OVER, and while they were all drunk.
Joy first. She was laughing (course they all
are, over there). “I just got THE most delightful phone call from
Trent. I hear you released his order – ”
Er, yeah…I couldn’t deal with his
screams any more – ”
Hairdressers!! Such bloody drama
queens! You did the right thing. He’ll pay, he always does –
Then Gerry, the financial controller. “Pinky, I
hear you released The Boyz’s order, tut tut tut, not sure that was
the right thing to do, he owes us A LOT of money – ”
Yes, but he SWORE he was sending a
cheque TODAY for the 30 day amount – ”
That’s what they all say, Pinky –
Well I told him if he didn’t, I
wouldn’t release the next order and I wouldn’t go to dinner with
him – ”
Next was DY, a former rep himself, and all
about the customer. “Don’t listen to Gerry, Pinky. He’s just a
stuffy figures man – ” I could hear Gerry in the background,
laughing and saying something, “ – you did the right thing.
Would’ve been a huge shit fight if you’d held his order. He
would’ve pulled our stock – ”
Then Daryl Agnew. “THANK FUCK YOU RELEASED THE
BOYZ’S ORDER PINKY!! Those BASTARDS are my biggest PAIN and my
biggest salon. If you’d held it, Trent would’ve switched shampoo
companies – ”
Then Renee, office manager, “You did good, The
Boyz are painful, good job!”
Then Joy again. “But DON’T RELEASE anybody