She Likes It Irish (20 page)

Her goal was to push him, get him to spew, because it was better than being ignored. She pulled on the balloons of anger bursting inside her. “You owe me an explanation, O’Neill, and since you’re too much of a
shitehawk
to return my calls, I’m here to collect in person.”

“I owe you nothing.” He turned away.

Well aware that she was taking advantage of the fact that he’d never harm her, she pulled him back around, put her hands on his chest, and grabbed handfuls of his shirt. She had to make an impression on him or he’d blow her off.

“Did you love me, Sean, or were all those pretty words just a trick to get into my panties?”

His blue eyes glared into her like ice, and his lips twisted into a sharp grin. “I didn’t need tricks, darlin’. You were always more than willing to drop them.”

The slur and derogatory use of his pet name for her broke off another chunk of her fragile heart, and she fought to ignore the pain. “But did you love me?” She hated the lacy whimper thinning her voice, hated that she was groveling.

His jaw worked as if he were chewing on the response to her question.

She pounded his chest with her fists. “Answer me, dammit!”

“When I said I loved you, I meant it.” He roared the confession as if it angered him to speak it.

“Do you still love me?”

He shook his head, but did not speak. They stood in a bubble of silence for several long, painful seconds.

“You killed it.” Gone from his voice was the explosive anger; in its place was tired misery, trimmed in quiet disgust.

“If I did something to hurt you, give me a chance to apologize, to fix it. Don’t just break up with me and ignore me like we never meant anything to each other.”

“There’s nothing to fix. It’s over.” He pulled her hands from their death grip on his shirt, and then he turned away and moved toward the building.

“Give us a chance!” She screamed out her pain and dropped to her knees, not caring who heard or what they thought about her pitiful act of desperation.

He spun around and glared at her. “For God’s sake, Kristin, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

She didn’t get up, and he glared at her like he was torn between helping her and just walking away and was pissed she was making him choose. Three angry strides and he was back at her side, dropping his pack to the ground near her feet. Grabbing her upper arms with his powerful hands, he lifted her and stared into her teary eyes.

“You broke my fucking heart,” he cried out and shook her. “There’s nothing left in me to give you another chance.” He released her. “I’m not…” he shook his head, jamming his hands in his hair. His clenching teeth made his jaw firm, his eyes shiny.

“I love you, Sean.”

His eyes opened wide then narrowed again. It was the first time she’d actually said, “I love you.” But would it be too late to matter?

Unable to speak another word, she buried her face in his chest and cried, great wracking sobs that flooded his shirt and bathed his skin with heat. She felt his body tense at her touch, at her emotion.

“Fuck!” He growled the obscenity into her hair then roughly yanked her trembling body tight against him. Wrapping one arm around her waist, one hand at her back, he held her close, his body like an inferno against hers.

She curled into the circle of his angry embrace, her hands and head tucked against his beating heart, and pressed into him with all her might. She wanted to dissolve into him, wanted him to absorb her body into his, make her his again. But when her tears had dried and all that was left were a few sniffles, there had been no joining. He hadn’t let her in.

Sean picked her up and carried her to the bench. He sat beside her, not touching, but she could feel his heat. He wouldn’t look at her, but she saw the mist of pain emanating from him. He wouldn’t talk, but she heard his fear of saying the words that needed to be said. Silence settled down on them like a heavy glass dome.

“Why wasn’t I enough for you?” he said tiredly, making the first crack in the dome.

“You are! You’re everything I ever wanted.”

“Then why did you cheat on me?”

The accusation pushed her back. Her body went cold, her eyes wide, and her backbone stabbed against her belly. “I never cheated on you!”

“I saw you, Kristin. With my own eyes.”

She saw the pain in his eyes, heard it in his voice. His emotions were real, even though his eyewitness proof wasn’t. “What did you see?”

“You fucking another person.”

He had seen the video. “Who?”

“Zoe.”

He said the name like it made him want to vomit. It sliced through her like a blade, revealing the images burned in her mind of Zoe pleasuring her, her pleasuring Zoe. The images momentarily drained her courage to defend herself against the accusing eyes boring into her, and she closed her eyes, trying to shut them out.

“Your eyes never could hide the truth in your heart. So just admit it. Confession is good for the soul.”

His harsh words stiffened her spine, and she opened her eyes, steadying her gaze at him. “Yes, Zoe and I had sex, but how was it that you saw us?”

“The video you two created was good quality. I saw and heard everything like I was right in the room.”

Kristin’s face flamed. “Who gave it to you?”

“I tell you there’s a video of you out there having sex with a woman—the very video that destroyed our relationship—and you ask how I got it? Does it fucking matter?”

“No. What does matter to me is that you give us a chance to talk about this, get the truth out, and get past it.”

Her words seemed to deflate him. His eyes dulled like the fire inside them had died. “The minute I saw you on that video, somebody else pleasuring the body that was supposed to be only mine to pleasure, we became broken and unfixable. Talk won’t help that.”

“Look. I know it must have been a shock for you to see that video, and I’m sorry it hurt you, but it happened before you and I got together. I didn’t cheat on you. You and I both still carry the scars from cheating relationships. I’d never do that to you.”

“You called out
my
name when Zoe made you come, which means we were together at the time you were fucking her, which means you did cheat.”

Frustration spiked through her body at his unwillingness to even consider that she might be innocent. Since she had only had sex with Zoe once since the night Sean had walked her home, the video he’d seen had to be of that time. In her mind, it was before she and Sean were actually “together.”

“First of all, at that moment, we weren’t together. And second, did I miss the conversation where we decided we were going to be exclusive?”

He reared back like she’d slapped him. “We’ve been exclusive since we first met, and you know it.”

“Why would I assume that?”

“Are you kidding me, Kristin? The night we made love, you told me you felt an immediate connection with me. Unless that was a lie, it sure sounds like you thought we were together from the very beginning.”

“I knew I wanted a relationship with you that lasted beyond our agreement. But that’s how
I
felt. I didn’t know how
you
felt.”

“I told you how I felt. I told you I loved you.”

“Yes, but you told me after we’d made love. Before that, I had no idea how you felt. You offered me a week’s worth of dates, a cup of condoms, and sex. Where in that plan was I supposed to read ‘love and commitment?’ Was I supposed to read your mind?”

“Okay. Forget the instant attraction we both felt. Forget that we fell in love at first sight. Answer this. If I’d been having sex with other women while we were going out on our dates, and you found out about it, like I found out about you and Zoe, how would
you
feel?”

She swallowed the bitterness that rose from her stomach at the thought of him with another woman. “I didn’t have sex with Zoe after we started our dates, and—”

“Just answer the question, Kristin.”

“I would hate it, but I wouldn’t fault you because we never talked about exclusivity.”

“Bullshit. Do you remember our first date? I walked you to your dorm after breakfast and when you thought I had another date that day, you were so pissed you wouldn’t hold my hand.”

“I remember. Even then, the thought of you being with another woman…”
ripped my heart out
“…upset me, but—”

“No buts. I wanted only you from the night I saw you, so I stayed away from all women but you. It’s clear now that you didn’t feel the same way about me.”

“I did! Even before our first date, I only wanted you.”

“No. You also wanted Zoe.”

“No!”

“Did she force you to eat her pussy? Force your legs apart so she could eat yours? Force you to come in her mouth?”

Her tongue felt thick, her face burned. “I told you—that happened before we had our first date.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I called out your name because, from the second I saw you, I wanted you. I…I wanted…” Her thoughts went ragged and trailed off as if they were too trivial and painful to finish.

“You wanted me but when I didn’t give you what you wanted, you went to Zoe for relief, like she was some kind of god-dammed human vibrator.” A scoffing sound barked from his curled lip. “You Americans really are a spoiled bunch.”

The disgust and sarcasm dripping from his words acted like acid to melt her words of explanation as soon as they formed. Her emotions shredded by the pain and anger in his eyes, she turned her gaze to the noisy birds fighting over bread scraps along the banks of the pond.

“Just to make sure I understand,” he continued, “you’re saying that you can’t control your urges. So if I’m not around to satisfy you, you’ll find someone who can. Is that about right?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Her whispered voice showed she’d been wrung of strength.

“Then what are you saying?”

She faced him. “I…” She sighed. “I’m saying I love you. I’m saying I’m sorry that video hurt you. I’m saying…I’m begging you to move past this so we can get back to loving each other.”

When he shook his head, she put her hand on his chest. “Look in your heart. You know the truth of how I feel about you. How you feel about me. And how we feel here is all that matters. You told me so.”

“It’s dead in there now. Everything I thought I knew about you is a pile of ash. I don’t trust you, Kristin, and I…” he turned his face away from her, “…I don’t love you anymore.”

Her hands went cold and she dropped them from his chest. “No,” she whispered and tried to swallow the pain coming up her throat as she felt her love take its last breaths.

“So,” he said after the thick silence had widened the chasm between them, “I’ve told you why I broke up with you. Does knowing make you feel better? Does it make the pain go away?”

She shook her head and watched the birds scatter to the sky, wishing her pain would fly away as easily.

Without another word, Sean stood. He took his time to retrieve his backpack from where he’d dropped it. He walked away from her then, taking his heart and leaving her to absorb the fact that he didn’t love her anymore. She had lost the man of her dreams, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Whoever said the truth hurts wasn’t telling tales. Her heart lay in a cold lump at the bottom of her stomach, making her ache all over. Her eyes burned from a ring of fire lodged just under her eyelids caused not by tears, but by all the tears she couldn’t shed. Her throat was raw from trying to swallow the bitter taste of truth and grief in his words.
I don’t love you anymore
.

A long while after he’d entered the building, Kristin stood on shaky legs and, when they didn’t buckle, she walked away from the bench where she’d had her heart shattered.

Distracted by her thoughts, and not paying attention to where she walked, she felt a jolt to her shoulder as she ran into a solid body. Regaining her balance with the help of the person’s hand at her arm, she reached out to apologize.

“Sorry, I…” Lights popped before her eyes and she slumped into a veil of dark bubbles popping over her head.

“Kristin, are you okay?”

She swallowed, blinked a few times, and looked up into Randy’s face. She nodded once, and moved out of his arms.

“Sorry about you and Sean,” he said.

“You know?”

He nodded. “Word travels fast. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Staring at him through watery eyes, her lips trembling, she whispered, “I love him more than my next breath, and now he’s gone. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

Randy reached out and touched her arm. “I don’t give a shit about Sean, but I do care about you. I see how miserable you are without him, how much it’s hurting you. I love you, and I don’t want to be part of the reason you’re in this kind of pain. I’ll tell you what I know, but it may not fix anything.”

****

Kristin stormed up to the room she shared with Zoe, her brain on fire, Randy’s words sizzling like hot oil in her body.

Zoe sat in bed, painting her toenails.

Kristin slammed the door and dropped her backpack on the floor.

Zoe looked up at Kristin then back at her toes. “You look pissed. Did you finally talk to Sean?”

“Oh, yeah. I talked to him.”

“And? Did he tell you why he dumped you?”

“Uh, yeah. He said I cheated on him.”

“Pffft!” Zoe muttered. “What a liar. You never cheated on him.”

“That’s what I said. But he had proof.”

“Proof? Like what?”

“A video of me fucking somebody.”

“Ouch! That’s rough. So, who did you fuck? That PhD student who kept asking you out? No, wait…Jacob.” She grinned. “The little tree-hugger charm you back into his bed?”

Kristin scoffed. “Who did I fuck?
You
, bitch.”

Chapter Sixteen

Zoe stared at Kristin with a face showing no emotion. “Why am I to blame because you like having sex with me?”

“You recorded us having sex—”