Somewhere Only We Know (4 page)

When
Kate reached the apartment, she headed straight to the bathroom. She stared at her now familiar botchy face and puffy eyes and sighed.

Will this feeling every leave me
?
She wondered to herself.

She
filled the sink with tepid water, then splashed it on her face with the hopes it will help reduce the swelling around her eyes a little. Then, taking a towel from the bale on the sideboard in the bathroom, she gently dabbed her face. Then carefully reapplied her makeup. 

“Not perfect
,” she sighed looking in the mirror one last time before she left the bathroom. “But it will have to do.”

Kate made her way out to the kitchen. As she
opened the fridge door, she spotted the photograph once again. Suddenly she didn’t really feel quite so hungry but she knew she should eat something. All she managed to have for breakfast was a cup of coffee.

Ka
te stared into the fridge and thought about dinner. It had been almost a week since she had last cooked and living on takeaways is never a good idea. She found some chicken fillets in the freezer and decided to make her speciality, creamy chicken pasta bake.

Kate
grabbed a banana to do her for now and washed it down with a glass of milk.

She went
into Callum’s office and switched on the computer. She logged into her email. There were the usually reminders and special offers from several different department and online stores. Three from some online Medical Journals she subscribed to.

There
were also two emails from her two best friends, Olly and Leah, back in Ireland.  She clicked on Leah’s first to open it.

   _____________________________________________________

From:
  Leah Ryan

To: Kate Greyson

Subject: Hi

Date:
March 13 2014 10:21

Hi Katie...how are you doing.

I have been trying to call but there never seems to be anybody at home.

Maybe you got a job.

Call me.

Leah x

_______________________
______________________________

Kate felt guilty as she remembered all the times she had sat and listened, as the phone rang off the hook again and again, each time she didn’t answer it. She had known it was Olly or Leah calling, but she just couldn’t face answering it. She would always delete their messages so Callum wouldn’t know she was ignoring their calls.

The s
econd email was from Olly.

______________________
______________________________

From: 
Olivia Doyle

To: Kate Greyson.

Subject: What gives?????

Date:
March 15 2014 12:20

Katherine Sarah
Kelly Greyson

Don’t
think I don’t know that you are avoiding me!

Olly
thinks that you got a job, but I know that’s crap. I was talking to Callum.

He didn’t sound great. He said you barely leave the apartment.

Kate talk to me....please.

Don’t make me get on a plane and go looking for you!!

I love you

You
’re like my sister

Please c
all me

Olly x

_____________________________________________________

Kate
wiped away the tears that were falling once again. When had she talked to Callum? Why didn’t he tell her? When did they stop talking completely?  She needed to call Olly back. The last thing she needed was her arriving on her door step and sticking her nose in to her and Callum’s business. She loved Olly to bits, but she can be intense and that was the last thing they needed right now.

Kate
closed down her email and surfed the net for a while. She glanced down at her watch. It was already after five. Kate hadn’t realised how long she was on the computer. She switched off the laptop and spun the chair around to stand up. As she did, the back of the chair hit something that was on the shelf below the desk and it fell to the floor.

She
reached down and picked up what had fallen. It was a photo album. Slowly opening it, Kate’s heart almost stopped. It was full with pictures of her. There were photos going back to the time she and Callum had first met, all the way through their years together.  She flicked through the pictures, slowly remembering when and where each photo was taken. There were photos of Kate on her wedding day, some just after she gave birth to Emily, from holidays over the years, but every photo was of just Kate. Most of them were ones that were taken when she wasn’t even aware there was a camera pointed at her.

What surprised
Kate the most was some of the photos were recent, taken when she was asleep or lost in thought, sitting out on the balcony or in the apartment. Kate couldn’t help, but notice just how sad she looked in them. Even the ones where she was asleep, she had a look of pure and utter heartbreak on her face.

T
hat’s when Kate realised, this is how Callum saw her. He has seen the journey from the happy carefree young woman, to mother, to the ghost she had become. She realised just how much he missed what they once were, because she missed it too. More than she had even realised herself.

“Oh
Callum!” Kate sobbed softly closing the photo album and holding it to her chest. Suddenly, she had an overwhelming need to hold him.

Then
, as if on cue, Kate heard his keys in the front door of the apartment. Immediately she was on her feet. She quickly put the book down on the desk and hurried out of the office.

Callum was taking his jacket off as Kate
barrelled down the hallway and wrapped her arms around him. A look of complete and utter shock spreads across his face.

“Katie
,” he said the concern was very evident in his voice. “What’s wrong?”

She just sobbed, unable to answer him and buried
her face in his chest. He pulled her closer to him and stroked her hair, as he softly whispered.

“It’s ok
ay Katie,” he breathed against her ear. “I have you baby.” He gently kissed her head and she raised her face to his until their eyes met and for the first time in so long, there was a spark. An old familiar feeling growing deep down inside her. It was almost as if time was standing still.

Callum leaned
down and softly kissed the tears from her eyes. Then traces kisses from the side of her eyes to the corner of her mouth. When their mouths finally find each other, all the heartbreak and sadness of the past few months came pouring out of them both as they hungrily kissed each other.

He
pulled Kate tighter to him, as his kiss becomes more urgent, his hands travelled over her body. And for the first time in so long she returned his touch. Her hands slid up into his hair and grabbed him tightly pulling him closer to her, as she pushed her hips against his growing erection.  He groaned as her body touched him.

Slow
ly but surely they started to move and Kate knew he was leading her to their bedroom.

I want this
, she told herself again and again. As they burst through the bedroom door, they began to pull at each other’s clothes. Kate started opening the buttons on Callum’s shirt as he pulled at the waist band on his trousers.

“Oh Katie
,” he groaned breathlessly against her mouth as she pushed the shirt from his shoulders. She leaned down and kissed his firm chest as her hands slipped down to the waist band of his trousers. She slipped her hand inside the rim of his trousers and popped open his button.

Callum
made quick work of the buttons on her blouse before he pushed the blouse from her shoulders and the soft satin shimmered down her arms, billowing on to the floor. His mouth found Kate’s again.

Slowly
Callum began to move them backwards towards the bed, his mouth never leaving Kate’s, his kiss filled with hunger and need.

When
they reached the bed, he lowered Kate slowly onto it before he climbed over her. He bent down and kissed her belly button and slowly made his way up her body, gently pulling the lace bra from her breasts and kissing each breast before finally, he was face to face with Kate.

“I lov
e you so much Katie” he whispered as he softly kissed and sucked her earlobe before he made his way up along her jaw line and then to her mouth. But his words were like a cold, sharp knife through Kate. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. A fresh wave of grief washed over her and a heart-breaking sob escapes from deep inside her. She knew then she couldn’t do this anymore.

“Stop
,” she whispered softly, pulling her face from his. At first Callum didn’t seem to hear her. So she said it again, this time more forcefully. “Callum please STOP!”

“What’s wrong
?” he asked breathlessly, his eyes searching hers. “Katie, please.”

“I’m sorry
,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. Unable to look him in the eye anymore, she pushed him off her. For a moment he didn’t budge, but reluctantly he began to move.

“Jesus Christ
, Kate,” Callum snapped angrily as he climbed up off the bed and fastened his trousers. “When are you going to stop this?”

“Callum
, I’m sorry,” Kate said, sitting up on the bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. She was surprised by his obvious anger. Not once in the last ten months had he ever lost his temper with her. But this time Kate could see he was really angry with her.

“KATE
, I AM SICK OF SORRY!” he shouted at her, making her jump with fright. He pushed his hands through his hair and closed his eyes. He sighed deeply and dropped down on to the bed next to her.

For a moment he didn’t speak. He sat slumped over, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

Finally, he lifted his head and turned to Kate.

“I want my wife back
,” he said looking at her, almost pleading with her. She just stared down at her fingers. “Kate, I know a shitty thing happened to us. We lost Emily.” His voice cracked. “And I know that sucks so badly. I know you are hurting, we both are. Sometimes I don’t think the hurt in my chest is ever going to fade. I miss her so much, I can barely breathe. But she is gone and she isn’t coming back.” he reached over and placed his hand on Kate’s. “Please, I can’t lose you too Katie.”

Kat
e didn’t reply. She just didn’t know what to say. She wanted to tell him she was still Katie and that she loved him so much, her heart ached, but the words just wouldn’t come. His fingers stroked the back of her hand. Then he reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and let his finger softly stroke her cheek.

“Talk to me Katie
,” he whispered softly. “It’s been ten months. You can’t keep this all bottled up inside you.” He waited for a response, but none came. “Please.”

Kate
abruptly pulled away from him and climbed up off the bed. She grabbed her blouse from the floor and held it in front of her, covering herself. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“I can’t
,” she finally said in a tiny voice. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She blinked quickly to try and stop them, but they broke free and trickled down her face.

“FINE
!” he shouted, as he jumped up from the bed, grabbed his shirt from the floor and stormed out of the room. Kate stood, motionless in the middle of their room and listened, as he hurried down the hallway of the apartment. She heard the hall door open and then it slammed shut. And just like that, he was gone.

Kate
walked to the bed and flopped down onto it, buried her face in her hands and begin to sob. She lay back on the bed, rolling onto her side and curled her legs up into a ball. She sobbed bitter tears into her pillow, letting go of all the grief she had been fighting to try and control all day. Eventually, when there were no more tears, she drifted into the blackness and gave herself up to a restless sleep.

Kate woke with a start. She felt confused in the darkness of her room, unsure of what had woken her. She sat up in the bed and listened for a moment.

The
n a crash came from the hallway and Kate knew this was what had woken her up. She sat there in her bed and listened carefully, as her heart raced rapidly in her chest.

“Son of a bitch.”

Kate sighed a breath of relief when she recognised Callum’s voice. She could hear him mumble to himself and began to feel nervous when she realised that he appeared to be very drunk. She heard another thud followed by an angry ‘FUCK!’

Kate climbed up off the bed and
hesitantly made her way towards the bedroom door. Before she reached it, the door burst open and Callum stumbled into the room.

“There’s my little kitty Kat,” he slurred
, as he tried hard to focus on Kate while he swayed from side to side.

“Callum,” Kate said stopping dead in her tracks. “You’re drunk.”

“Ding, ding, ding,” he laughed, but it was more a sarcastic laugh than an amused one. “Give that woman a prize.”

Kate could feel the panic rise inside her. She had never seen this side of Callum before. Sure
, she had seen him drunk, but he was always charming and friendly when he was drunk. There was nothing friendly about the man that was now standing in front of her.

“I will go make you some coffee,” Kate said, as she stepped around him and headed towards the door. As she passed him, he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him. She yelped
, as a pain shot up through her arm.

“Katie,” he said
, his face barely inches from hers. “Katie, I need you.”

“Callum, let me go,” she pleaded and she struggled to break free from his hold. “You are hurting me.”

“Katie, I can’t do this anymore,” he continued, still holding her tightly. He didn’t seem to hear what she had said. “I need to feel like you still want me, like you still need me. I need to feel.”

“Callum, please,” Kate begged
, as she began to cry.

“Oh Katie,” he said, as he realised what he was doing. “Katie, I am so sorry.”

She pulled back from him and clutched her wrist with her other hand. She took another step back from him before she allowed her eyes to meet his.

“I’
m sorry,” he repeated. “Katie, I did something terrible.”

Kate’s heart was now hammering so hard in her chest she thought it would burst free. Something in his eyes told her what he w
as about to say and she took another step back.

“Katie, please,” Callum said and for
the first time since the day he told her Emily was dead, Kate saw Callum cry. “I am so sorry, I just… I just wanted to feel wanted. Wanted for once, to feel like when I touched someone, they didn’t want to crawl out of their skin.”

He stepped closer to her and began to reach out
to her but she quickly stepped back.

“Don’t,” Kate sobbed
, as she pinched her eyes shut. She couldn’t even look at him right at that moment.

“Katie, I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said
, the panic clear in his voice. He stepped closer to Kate, but he knew not to touch her. “I… I swear, it meant nothing, I just… shit I don’t know… it just happened. Please I love you, I want only you.”

“I can’t do this,” she sobbed
, as she turned to walk out the door, but he quickly grabbed her hand again and she yelped out loudly.

“Oh my God!” he exclaimed in complete horror. “
I’ve hurt your arm, Katie, I so am sorry I...I just wanted… please you have to believe me… I never wanted to hurt you… none of this was done to hurt you.”

“Please,” she breathed softly through the tears. “Please, just … I can’t do this.”

Before Callum had time to say another word, Kate turned and darted out of the bedroom and straight for the front door.

When she got out into the hallway, she had no idea what she was going to do next. It was the mid
dle of the night, she was in her pyjamas. She had no money, no coat and nowhere to go.

She knew she need
ed to think fast, it was only a matter of time before Callum would burst out the door and come looking for her. She turned and began towards the lift. She just needed to get away. But suddenly a thought came to her, she really did have nowhere to go. She knew no one in this city. She had locked herself away in her damn ivory tower and now she had no one to turn to.

Then she thought of Bet
h Rice. She remembered how friendly the lady had been to her earlier that day. She stopped and turned, then ran as fast as she could back up the hallway until she was standing outside Beth’s apartment.

Before she had time to change her mind
, she knocked hard on Beth’s door. She pressed her head against it and prayed she would open the door to her. She heard movement coming from inside the apartment, as if someone was walking to the door. There was silence for a moment and Kate knew who ever was behind the door was probably looking out through the peep hole. Suddenly there was the sound of the chain sliding back and locks being turned before the door swung open.

“Kate,” a surprised looking Beth said
, as she instantly put her hand on Kate’s shoulder and guided her into the apartment. She quickly closed the door behind them. “My dear, whatever is the matter?”

Before Kate could reply, she heard Callum calling her name. He was now in the hallway and the fear in his voice was
so evident, you could almost touch it. Kate held her breath as Beth gave her a reassuring smile. He called her again, but this time his voice seemed a little further away.

Beth led Kate into her living room. It was exactly how Kate would have imagined it would be. Homely, warm and welcom
ing. Just like Beth.

“Can I fix
you some tea?” Beth asked, as she guided Kate to the sofa.

Kate simply nodded
, as she sat down. A fresh wave of tears took over and she began to sob again. Beth sat down next to her.

“I am sure it’s not as bad as you think it is, my dear,” Beth said
, as she took hold of Kate’s hand.

“I think my marriage may be over,” Kate said and sobbed even harder.

When she calmed down a little, she told Beth everything. About Emily, the accident, the last ten months and about what had happened that night. She held nothing back. It was like once she had opened the flood gates there was no stopping it now.

Beth never said a word the entire time. She just sat and held Kate’
s hand, occasionally nodding a few times.

“This is all my fault,”
Kate said looking at Beth. She closed her eyes and all she could think about was Callum and some random woman. Kate’s stomach heaved. She could picture his hands on her, him kissing her. She tried to push the image from her mind, but it played in her head over and over again.

“Kate
, this was no one’s fault,” Beth said finally. “What happened to Emily, what you have both been through these past few months, even what happened tonight? It’s no one’s fault. You are both hurting and you both need to sit down and talk.”

“What’s to say,” Kate shrugged, feeling suddenly defeated. “He slept with someone else, she gave him what I just can’t
anymore. I can’t be the person he wants me to be.”

Beth just sighed and smiled sadly. They talked for another little while and then Beth made Kate a bed up on her sofa.

As she lay there in the darkness of this kind stranger’s apartment, she replayed the past twenty four hours.

If she was honest with herself
, she knew this was coming, so as much as what Callum had done hurt her, it wasn’t any great surprise.

By the time she had drifted off to sleep, she had decided what she was going to do next. Now all she need
ed to do was face Callum once more.

******
***

When Kate let herself into the apartment early the next morning, he
r heart felt heavy and sad in her chest. She had been dreading going back to the apartment since she had woken half an hour earlier. When she stormed out the night before she hadn’t even picked up her keys, so when she arrived back to their apartment and found the door ajar, she felt a mixture of worry and relief.

“Kate!” Callum exclaimed the minute he heard her walking down the hallway. He appeared in front of her before she reach
ed the end of the hallway. “Oh Thank God, I have been out of my mind with worry.”

He walked towards her
, but Kate stopped him by simply raising her hand.

“Katie, please,” Callum pleaded as he clenched his fists at his side. He wanted to pull her into his arms and beg her to forgive him. But he knew that was the last thing she
wanted right now. “I wish I could go back to last night and undo the single biggest mistake of my life. I hate myself for what I have done to you, to us…”

“I can’t listen to this,” Kate stopped him mid-sentence. “I just came back to get my things.”

“Your things?” Callum said, the blood drained from his face. “You’re….you’re leaving.” He grabbed her wrist and she flinched. He pulled back her sleeve and when he saw the finger marks he had left on her from the night before, he felt sick.

“I am so sorry…” he began to say.

“I’m fine, it’s nothing, really Callum, don’t make this harder than it already is,” Kate pleaded, as she quickly hurried past him, heading straight for their bedroom.

“
Make it harder!” Callum exclaimed as he followed her down the hallway. “Kate please, you can’t do this. You can’t give up on us. We have been through too much together, I am begging you.”

“That’s the thing Cal,” Kate said, quickly turning back to face him. “There
is
no us, the best part of us died ten months ago with Emily, and you killed what was left last night with some tart from a bar.”

“Katie, you don’t mean that,” Callum replied, sounding so hurt Kate regretted her harsh words
, but she knew she couldn’t back down now. “I love you, and I know that you still love me. I can’t go on without you. What I did last night was stupid, but it meant nothing. I am so sorry. Please, just give us a chance. Katie, I need you. I swear it meant nothing.”

“But it meant something to me Cal,” Kate shot back
, but stopped before she said too much. “Callum, I can’t do this anymore. I am not angry with you for what you did last night. It just made me see, I can’t be what you need me to be. You deserve to be happy and I don’t make you happy anymore.”

“YES YOU DO!” He cried,
taking hold of her hands. He brought them to his mouth and kissed them gently.  “Please don’t do this, please. I will make this right. I promise. I will do whatever it takes, Katie, I love you.”

“And I love you too,” she said
sadly and softly touched his cheek. She blinked to free her eyes of the unshed tears. “And that’s why I have to do this. We are done Callum. Go and find someone that will make you as happy as you deserve to be.”

He stood and stared at her, completely lost for words and thoroughly heartbroken. She turned and walk
ed into the bedroom, leaving him standing helplessly in the hallway.

An hour later, she emerged from their bedroom with a suitcase and a smaller bag. She set them down in the hallway before she returned to the living room where she found Callum staring out over the city.

“I will call you in a couple of weeks,” she said, as she sat her apartment key down on the coffee table. “Just to let you know where I am, you know, so you can send the rest of my stuff on to me once I have sorted somewhere for me to stay.”

“So you are just giving up on us,” Callum said when he finally turned to face Kate. “
Just like that. After everything we have been through, you are walking away. It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“Callum, it’s
for the best,” she sighed sadly. “You don’t see it now, but you will. You will find someone else to love.”

“Is there anything I can say?” He said
, taking a step closer to her. “Anything at all, that will make you stay? This is wrong, you belong here.”

“Callum, I can’t be who you want me to be,” Kate replied sadly. “My mind is made up. This is the right thing to do.”

“I still love you Katie,” he said as the tears trickled down his face. “I will never stop loving you.”

“I love you more
,” she replied then turned and without saying another word she left. It was over.