Stepbrother With Benefits 17 (Third Season) (7 page)

This is really fucking bad, but it's a mistake. It's not what it looks like. I need to tell her that. Ashley, I swear to fucking God that this isn't anything like what it looked like. I'm not an asshole. I wouldn't do that to you.

Which means I need to call her. Which means I need my phone. Which is next to my laptop on my desk.

Fuck! Fucking fuck fuck. I can't even. I seriously can't fucking even...

I never plugged it in. It's dead. Completely fucking dead. I put it on my desk but I never plugged it in to charge. I almost throw it against my wall in a fit of rage, but I stop at the last second. What fucking good is that going to do me? As hard as it is, I need to calm the fuck down for a second.

I find my charger. I plug my phone in. It won't turn on, though. Too dead. Not enough battery power to even start. I stare at it, grinding my teeth.

I want to fucking scream so bad. I have never wanted to completely destroy a pillow so much in my life. It's tempting as fuck, too. I stare at it on my bed, all fucking... fluffy and shit.

I leave my phone for a second and go to my bed, snatching my pillow up. I squeeze it hard. Real fucking hard. It's a pillow, so, uh... I'm angry as fuck but this is just a pillow. I think it's fine. Call the fucking American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pillows on me if you fucking want. Just fuck off and leave me alone.

Yeah...

Suddenly I'm crying. I don't know how. One second I'm strangling this pillow, and the next I'm crying into it, laying on my bed, face shoved into the fluffy fucking thing, crying. These tears are ugly as fuck and I don't even care.

I can't even fucking believe this is happening to me. Karma, I guess., what comes around goes around. Good job, asshole.

I
'm so
angry that I can't stop shaking. My hands tremble and my entire body shudders. Before I lose control of myself, before I start shaking so badly that I can't even do anything, I click to end the webcam session with Ethan. I don't want to see that. I can't even believe I saw it in the first place.

Scarlet? With Ethan?
Why?
How?

First off, why did he accept my request to chat with him in the first place? I don't know why I'm asking myself that question. Would it be better if he didn't? There's that saying that ignorance is bliss, and I guess it tends to mean these kinds of situations. Would I feel better if I never knew about Ethan's sexual tryst with Scarlet? If I didn't know, I couldn't be upset, right? Except then I'd just be some stupid girl who thought her relationship with her boyfriend was wonderful, when in reality he's cheating on me with someone else.

Not just someone else, but Scarlet. I thought she was my friend, too. I know Ethan says she's crazy, but... is that a part of this? Did he always just say that so that I wouldn't suspect anything was going on between them?

Wait.
Hold on. Is this one tryst, or multiple trysts? Has this been going on for awhile now? Maybe it has. Maybe Ethan's been doing this since last year. Maybe they've had an ongoing friends with benefits type of relationship and now that I'm out of the picture and they're both back at school they decided it was time to pick it up again.

I guess it always struck me as strange that Ethan would be so forthcoming to me about the stepbrother with benefits arrangement that started this all. I don't think I've ever seen him do anything similar with another girl. He's never exactly told them he wanted to do anything more than casually date them, but as far as I know he never spelled out the specifics with them, either.

That's what our rules were about. Does he have rules with Scarlet, too? I thought what we had was special, but now I'm not so sure. Now I'm doubting myself. Now I'm...

First things first. I need to get away from all this. I need to get away from Ethan. I still can't believe he did this to me. I'm starting to think that him accepting the webcam request was an accident. I can't explain it any other way. Not that this makes it better.

With my hands shaking, trying to control my anger before I just give up and throw my laptop at the wall, I type one final message to Ethan. This is it. I need him to know that I know.

It takes me awhile. I keep misspelling some of the words. My fingers refuse to do what I want and they tremble and shake and I just type everything wrong, then I delete it, type it again...

After five tries I manage to get it right. I don't even know why I bother fixing anything. Does it really matter if I make a few mistakes? If I have a typo or two? Who cares?

I do, I guess. I can't help it. It's just ingrained in me, the good girl who refuses to do anything less than her best. Yes, apparently that even includes me fixing the typos in a hate message to my boyfriend who I just found out is cheating on me with one of my friends.

"Fuck you, Ethan," I say, to no one in particular. I don't say it too loud, because I don't see the point. I just wanted to say it out loud.

I remember at the end of last year after Jake and I had sex, and then he broke up with me. I remember wanting to say something to Jake, to scream it down the halls and to yell at him for being an asshole. I didn't, because that's just not what good girls do.

I think I'd do it now, though. I don't know if I would, but I think I would. Ethan's not here, so I can't scream and yell at him. Not yet, at least. By the time I see him again, I don't know if I'll want to.

He's far away and I'm here. Our plans for weekend visits are probably out of the question now. This may be a good thing, though. It means I won't have to see him until Christmas break if I don't want to.

I'm not sure if that's what I want. I really don't know right now. I...

I turn off my computer and quickly walk out of my room. I'm not sure where I'm going at first. I just need to go. I need to be somewhere else entirely. I want to go somewhere I wouldn't usually go, so I can pretend I'm someone else.

I walk down the hall without any particular destination in mind. I turn quickly, heading through the open double doors on my left. It's the common room almost right across from the elevator. There's no one here right now. It's too early. I don't think anyone ever comes here this early, but I'm not really sure. I don't usually come here at all, or at least very rarely.

I sit on the couch and stare at the TV. The TV is off, but I kind of like it. It's dark and quiet and I kind of just feel like I want to be in a dark and quiet mood at the moment. I sit and stare at it and seethe and brood and...

Really, Ethan? I mean,
really?
I was trying so hard to make this work! True, I enjoyed everything, too. I liked thinking of ways to keep our sex life exciting, even when we were far apart. I liked that Ethan thought of some things for us to do, also.

His shower idea? With me putting my phone in a clear plastic bag and taping it to the shower wall so that he could watch me masturbate in there? Yes, um... I don't think I would have ever done that before, but it was exciting in its own way. I liked how it was kind of risky, but not too much, and I liked how he really enjoyed it.

He seemed to like my headphone blowjob idea, too. And more. The pictures we texted to each other. The video he sent me. All of it. Everything.

Apparently not, though. Apparently it wasn't enough. He needed the real thing, or at least he
wanted
it, and Ethan's a bad boy. He doesn't follow the rules, and I'm not sure he ever has. I don't know why I thought he'd follow the rules we made for each other.

It just seemed different. He seemed different...

Someone comes in to the common room and sits next to me on the couch. I start to look over and glare at them, but I'm met with a bright smile instead.

"Oh, I love this show!" Kevin says, looking at me, and then to the turned off TV.

I don't want to laugh. I want to glare and be angry, because I really am angry. It's kind of funny, though. It's hard not to laugh and smile a little bit when someone smiles at you the way Kevin is smiling at me. It's not his fault Ethan is an asshole, either.

"I didn't want to watch anything," I say, grumping and crossing my arms over my chest. "I just wanted to get away for a second and this was the closest place."

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Sorry about teasing you. I didn't realize you were upset before."

I look at him quick. Then I look away. I stare at the floor for a second, then I look back at him. He's... pensive, I guess is the best way to describe it. He looks concerned. He looks like he actually cares and wants to know what's bothering me and he's not just asking because that's what you usually do if you see someone that's upset.

I thought Ethan cared, too, but you know how that turned out.

"You knew Ethan, too, right?" I ask him. "I mean, you did, I guess, but did you
really
know him? You know what he's like? With girls and everything? He was always just with them for a week or two and then he moved on to someone else..."

"Yeah," Kevin says, shrugging slightly. "I mean, that's how he was, but he's different with you, isn't he? That's how you made it seem, at least. I don't really know. I haven't seen him since high school, so I'm not sure if he's changed. You'd know him better than me."

"I thought I did," I say. "We've been dating the entire summer. It's been a little over two months, which is a lot longer than two weeks. Not that much longer, I guess. It's not like we've been dating for two years or anything."

"Eight weeks is a pretty long time," Kevin says. "Did something happen? I'm not really sure what--"

"He's cheating on me," I say. "I think he is. I didn't exactly see him cheating on me, but I saw her and she was basically naked. She had panties and a bra on. It's one of our friends. I guess she's not my friend anymore. Ethan had a towel on at first, but then she... she pulled it off, Kevin!"

"Wait, uh... hold up," he says, giving me a confused look. "You
saw
all this? I don't really get what's going on."

"I saw Ethan was online on my computer," I tell him. "We use a program to talk to each other and do webcam chat stuff, you know? You can just message regularly, too. I sent him a webcam request so we could talk like that because his phone is dead and mine was dead before."

I don't know why I say this next part, because it both makes me smile and makes me hurt from the memories all at once. "We fell asleep talking on the phone last night, so that's why our phones were dead. I guess Ethan didn't charge his yet. He accepted my webcam request, and there I was, smiling like an idiot, ready to say hi to him, except then I see him and... her name is Scarlet. I saw him and Scarlet standing in front of his desk, practically naked, about to--"

It's pretty obvious, isn't it? What do two people who are almost naked do? They get fully naked, and then they have sex. Does he make love to her, or is it just fucking? Ugh! What's it even matter, Ashley? Why am I asking myself these stupid questions?

"Maybe it was a mistake or a joke?" Kevin offers. "Why would he let you see his webcam if he was doing that?"

"I don't know. I guess it could be a mistake. I'm not sure it's a joke. If it's a mistake, is that any better, though? He was still with her. They were basically naked together, Kevin. They..."

It suddenly dawns on me. "He probably did it on purpose," I say. "He's done things like this before. Not to me, but... to other girls. He's done things that would make them hate him so that he didn't have to break things off on his own. He probably did all of this on purpose to break up with me because he was too afraid to tell me himself."

Kevin looks skeptical, but he doesn't say anything. He just offers me silent consolation, eyebrows slightly furrowed, refusing to admit or deny that I'm right. I'm not sure if I'm right, but it makes sense, don't you think?

"Maybe you should talk to him," Kevin says after awhile.

"What do you want me to talk to him about?" I ask. "I really have no idea what I should even say to him anymore. I thought I loved him. I feel so stupid because a part of me still thinks I love him, but I can't do this. I can't love him if he's going to cheat on me with someone."

"I know. I'm not saying you should forgive him or anything. Just figure out where you two stand with each other. It's different, you know? He's, uh... he's sort of part of your family in a screwed up way."

"Don't even remind me," I say, huffing.

What am I going to tell my mom? Or Ethan's dad? I feel bad because him and his dad were doing a lot better together, too. I don't think his dad is going to be too happy about this. Really, though, I'm not the one who should feel bad. Ethan did this to himself.

"What do you want to do?" he asks me.

"I want to hurt him," I say. I'm not even sure where this comes from. It's raw and honest and the first thing that comes to my mind, though. "If he thinks he's allowed to hurt me like that, then I think I'm allowed to hurt him back."

I can, too! You don't think I can, Ethan? Ohhh... I've got news for you. I'm quite attractive! I know how to give blowjobs, too. I'm pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. I can find someone to give a blowjob to or have sex with, and I can totally get back at you, Ethan.

Meaningless. Casual. Just for revenge. One time. Nothing else.

I could take Jake up on his offer, I guess. Ugh. The idea seems good at first, and then absolutely disgusting a fraction of a second later. Yes, it would maybe help me get Jake to remove the nude pictures of me from that website, but... it's Jake. Seriously, how gross would that be?

I don't even know if that would make Ethan mad, either. He'd probably just think I'm an idiot. I would probably agree with him in that situation.

Caleb? Except Caleb is far away. Also, I don't know if I could ever have sex with Caleb. He's nice and all, but I don't really... I don't know.

How does anyone even have meaningless, casual sex?

I don't know where these thoughts come from. It's not like I actually want to do any of them. I don't think this is the right answer, but my mind is trying to figure out what
is
the right answer. There's a solution somewhere in all of this, I just know it, but I can't seem to figure out what it is.

"I think you should wait a little and calm down before you do anything you'll regret, but if you need help I'm here," Kevin says, smiling at me. He moves close and puts his arms around me, hugging me. "We can go grab a coffee sometime or something?"

I hug him back without realizing it. It's just natural, isn't it? If you don't think about it, and if you don't realize what's going on, you hug someone back when they're hugging you. Usually you think about it, though.

Now that I'm hugging him, I think about it. We're close. That's kind of what a hug is, so...

We're close and I rest my head on Kevin's shoulder. It's nice. He seems nice. It's not like I'm trying to or anything, but my breasts press against his chest. The same chest I saw naked earlier this morning, and the one all the girls who just so happened to be in the coffee shop at the time saw when he went jogging past last year. It's quite a chest. Very nice to look at.

Now I'm touching it. Sort of. I mean, we have clothes on. What would it be like without clothes on, though? What would it be like if Kevin and I were naked, our bodies pressed together, me laying on my back, him looming over me, his chest slowly lowering against mine, my nipples hard with excitement while his erection throbbed between my legs...

Um...

He lets me go and smiles. "I know we just met through Jacky, but you seem really nice, so definitely let me know if there's anything I can do to help, alright?"