Sweet Spot: Homeruns #4 (10 page)

“See, that’s what I’m talking about,” he responded. “You were still a teenager in high school and you’d already learned something I didn’t realize until very recently. I was hell-bent on proving to the world that I was my own person. I refused to accept help or support when it was offered. And that’s another piece of what my dad pointed out to me last night. Basically, he told me baseball won’t last forever and if I don’t change my thinking, I’m going to turn into a very lonely man at some point.”

“Did he give you the speech about finding a woman to come home to?” I asked, praying that wasn’t the case. With as hard as it must have been for him to reach out to his dad, feeling rejected could crush him.

I wasn’t expecting the rich laughter echoing off the nearby rock formations. “Is it wrong to wish the conversation had gone that way? It would’ve justified me trying to padlock the closet door shut.”

“Okay, now I’m confused.” I wasn’t sure what to say.

“He knows, Cody.” Again, his focus was somewhere far away from where we were sitting. “After he told me about him and my mom talking, he started telling me all the little things he’d noticed over the years. When I tried to play off my lack of interest in any of the women who hang out at the parks and hotel bars, he shot me down. Told me I wasn’t staying away from them because of the potential damage to my career. He fucking knows. I don’t know how long he’s had suspicions, but I had no clue he’d picked up on anything. This whole time, I could have at least been honest with my dad, but I wasn’t. I didn’t trust him to still love me if he knew I was gay.”

“It’s a legitimate fear,” I assured him. Hell, it was the reason I hadn’t told my own parents I was gay, and when they found out, they
had
disowned me. The effects of their abandonment weren’t as prominent as they once were, but it stung to look out at the fans gathered to watch the high school state championship game my senior year and know they weren’t there. Before I’d shamed them, they hadn’t missed a single game. I wanted to share that moment with them, but they weren’t there because they couldn’t accept something that was as much a part of me as my brown hair and eyes. My graduation was somber, knowing they had no interest in watching me walk across the stage to gather my diploma. Moving into the dorms my freshman year of college sucked, because everyone else was saying goodbye to their parents, and I just had Bryce and Cam. The rest of the guys had stayed home, not wanting to cause a scene if anyone recognized them. While I understood and appreciated the gesture, once again I was forced to hide something vital to my existence.

“Yeah, but now I feel like a complete ass. I should have thought about the person my dad has always been. He didn’t have an issue with the guys who’d come out on the team or with one of his former teammates who came out after he retired,” he explained. “It pissed him off to hear everything his friend gave up to keep his secret. His buddy went to the park after his partner died, because it was easier than admitting he was gay. I didn’t think about any of that, and I’ve hurt so many people. Including you.”

This time, I was the one who initiated the kiss. I turned my body and awkwardly draped my arms over his shoulders, pressing our foreheads together. “Nick, please don’t feel that way. I know why you do, but I don’t want you feeling guilty over me. If we’re being honest, I don’t think we could have worked out back then. I had my own demons to slay and you were hyper-focused on your career. We didn’t have time for more than what we had.”

I pulled him closer and pressed my lips to his. One hand came up so I could run my fingers through his hair. He moaned as I ran my tongue across the seam of his lips, opening just enough that I was able to delve into his mouth. Nick deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth, soft sighs passing between us as our bodies remembered how right we were together. He pushed me back on the boulder and shifted so his body covered mine.

“I missed you,” he whispered when we pulled apart to catch our breath. I reached up and pressed my hand to the side of his face. His eyes drifted shut as he continued. “Missed you so fucking much, Cody. Please, let me prove to you that I won’t put you through that again.”

I curled my fingers around the back of his neck and pulled him down for another kiss. We moved slower this time, my mouth making promises I couldn’t say out loud. “I told you, you’re already forgiven.”

I wasn’t only freeing Nick from his guilt about leaving me the way he did. Nothing could ever take away the memory of how he’d dumped me in that empty parking lot, but it was up to me to choose whether I was going to hold on to the pain of that night. The reality was it didn’t do any good, whether Nick and I tried to rekindle what we once shared or I tried to move on alone. But I was beginning to hope we’d learn from our past and figure out how to explore a future, because we were damn good together before it fell apart.

“Why are you letting me off the hook?” he asked. He cupped my face in his hands so tenderly that nothing before this moment existed in my mind. I silently begged him to shut up and go back to kissing me.

“Because you’ve punished yourself enough already,” I whispered. “I’d much rather figure out where we go from here than try to work on fixing something neither of us can change.”

We laid on that rock until the sun started to dip beneath the horizon. I told him all about the knee injury that ended my basketball dreams. He tried feeling sorry for me, but I squashed his pity. My dreams weren’t like his. My only hope had been to keep playing through college so I didn’t have to worry about a mound of student loan debt. And the guys had essentially replaced the scholarship I’d lost, telling me I’d still be held to the same standards as I was by the money I’d been awarded by the school. In hindsight, it was actually a blessing because it gave me more time to focus on photography, which had always been a passion I’d thought I wouldn’t be able to follow. It felt like throwing up my middle finger in my father’s face, because he’d always criticized me for wanting to do something he thought of as meaningless.

After listening to everything that’d been going on in my life, Nick caught me up on his own. He smiled every time I added something to the conversation, loving that I’d followed his career online. He told me more about the creative ways he’d avoided the pressure from his teammates to take random girls back to his hotel room when they were on the road. I cringed when he told me about living with two other players in a one-bedroom apartment to try to save money. I wondered if that’d change since he was trying to open up to his family more. I couldn’t imagine Marcus would be thrilled to hear how they’d used a small bookcase in the middle of the room as a combination desk and kitchen table because they couldn’t afford to get more. Then again, maybe it was some sort of rite of passage.

When the sun began to sink on the horizon, I pushed Nick off my chest. My back ached as I sat up and I took a minute to stretch, knowing we still had almost a mile to hike back to the car. Nick jumped off the boulder, cursing when he twisted his ankle. “You know, it’s going to look really bad for you if you hurt yourself on your downtime.”

“Wouldn’t be the first guy to do something stupid,” he quipped as he reached up to pull my bag down to the ground. “Besides, it’ll be fine. Maybe a bit tender tomorrow, but I can deal with it.”

I sat at the edge of the rock, looking over the edge. I was being a huge pansy, but there was no way I was jumping. My knee didn’t often give me trouble, but I knew my limitations. As if sensing my fear, Nick held out his hands as if he was going to catch me. “Don’t be stupid. If I jump, we’re both going to wind up on the ground.”

“It’d be worth it,” he muttered under his breath. His eyes widened when he realized he’d spoken out loud. “I’m not taking it back. It’d totally be worth the pain tomorrow to have you on top of me. The only thing that’d make it better is if you’d be willing to strip before you jump. But give me warning so I can do the same.”

I rolled my eyes and let out a dramatic sigh. He was teasing, but we’d already gone well beyond where I’d promised I’d allow myself to go. I wasn’t going to rush back into bed with him right away.

“You sure about this?” I waited for his nod before I pushed off the boulder and jumped into his waiting arms. Somehow, we both remained upright, but he didn’t immediately set me on the ground. Instead, he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and kissed me deeply. It’d be so easy to reach for the hem of his shirt, to run my hands along the sides of his firm stomach. I couldn’t keep thinking that way or the last shred of my resolve would disappear.

“You used to be the one thing I was sure of. I’m hoping I can prove that to you now,” he said just before my feet touched the ground. I reached down for my bag and we walked back to the car with our arms still securely around each other.

W
ith just over
two weeks left in spring training, I was trying to ignore the pressure weighing down on me. Cody had been instrumental in helping me wind down every night after practice. We’d settled back into our old routine, where he’d pick me up after I got to the hotel and had time to change into something more comfortable. It required a bit of creativity on our parts because Cody wasn’t ready to have the houseful of guys know we were talking again. We’d spent most of our evenings hiking the trails outside of town. But it was a bit inconvenient because I was dying to do something more than heavy petting and making out like teenagers.

I checked the time on my phone for about the twentieth time while I waited for the rest of the team to get their asses on the bus. They were taking longer than I had because I’d started the game, which meant I’d been sitting around for most of the game cheering them on without having to worry about being called in. Now, the only thing on my mind was getting back to Mesa so I could head out for the night with Cody.

“Hey Nick, you have a minute?” Sean asked when he got on the bus. I should’ve known better than to sit near the front of the bus, but I’d been focused on being able to make a quick exit when we got back to the training complex.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I asked. He took the seat across the aisle from mine. Our conversation was delayed by the rest of the team finally filing down the aisle. A few of the guys wished me well since I was sitting at the front with Sean, but I wasn’t worried. For the first time in my professional career, I was confident I was going to stay right where I was. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but with continued hard work and a good attitude, I’d definitely be on the short list should they need to call someone up during the season.

Sean waited until the bus was in motion to put down his tablet so we could talk. He quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was sitting close enough to eavesdrop and turned to face me. “First of all, I wanted to let you know how happy we are with your progress. You were already doing very well this year, but something’s changed in the past couple of weeks. It’s like you’ve found your focus.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I couldn’t very well tell him it was because of Cody that I wasn’t letting the little shit bother me. When I had a bad outing, I could vent to him about it afterward and let it go. When Mark woke me up in the middle of the night, all I had to do was text Cody and he’d remind me this would all be over soon and to hang on. There’d been one night he’d foolishly suggested mentioning something to my dad about Mark’s antics and complete lack of respect, but he’d quickly dropped that when I told him I would in no way be a snitch. Other guys might not have to deal with a washed-up prima donna, but plenty of us were stuck with guys we didn’t care for. In sixteen days, it’d all be over, and there was a good chance I would get some time away from Mark. His performance was abysmal, almost like he didn’t think the league was serious about making him prove he wanted to be there.

“While it wasn’t intentional, you’ve been through one hell of a test over the past four weeks,” Sean continued before I came up with a response to his first statement.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. There were several tests I could think of, but none of them were on the field, so they didn’t really matter as far as Sean was concerned.

“I know Mark’s difficult to get along with,” he said. My heart rate spiked as I wondered if Cody had gone behind my back to say something when I wouldn’t. He was insisting no one know we were even talking, but it was the only logical explanation. “Do you know why he was suspended last year?”

That was a stupid question. I was pretty sure there were people in Outer Mongolia who’d heard about his doping scandal. The idiot thought he could get around the league’s no-tolerance stance and he’d gotten caught. “Yeah, why? Look, if you’re hoping I’ll give you a smoking gun to cut him loose, I don’t have one. We barely even see one another, unless you count him coming in at three in the morning. And that’s not exactly behavior unique to him.”

“No, that’s not what I was talking about.” Sean leaned in closer, as if he was about to tell me the location of Hoffa’s body. “Look, while it’s true he pissed dirty, there were multiple reasons for his suspension. A
very
select few players had issues with him. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t in his crosshairs this year. I’ve been paying attention in the locker room, but once you guys leave, there’s not much I can do.”

As curious as I was to figure out what in the fuck he was talking about, it wasn’t my place. I wasn’t a fan of locker room gossip, even if it was coming from someone who obviously knew the truth.

“Okay, well I wanted to make sure.” He picked up his tablet and I reached for my phone, figuring he’d said all he needed to say. Then, he set it back down on the seat next to him, so I did the same with my phone and earbuds. “You can tell me to butt out if you want, but does your improved outlook have anything to do with a certain resident of our house being MIA most nights?”

Sean wasn’t a stupid man. He’d obviously made the connection in his mind, so there was no sense in trying to deny it. The best option I could come up with on the fly was to jump into damage control mode. “Yeah, we’ve been hanging out. But Sean, you have to know I’m not the same stupid kid I used to be. There was way more than anyone knows that led to me doing what I did back then, but telling you about it would just sound like the bullshit excuses you don’t put up with. But I learned from my mistakes. I swear, I’m not trying to fuck with his head.”

“Never said you were,” he pointed out. “For what it’s worth, I’ve been in your shoes. And like you, I almost screwed it all up because I was so hell-bent on making a name for myself.”

I’d heard bits and pieces of this story, but it was surreal to hear it directly from Sean. He’d been my idol when I was younger. I’d studied his pitching style and tried to emulate everything he did. Apparently, the similarities between the two of us didn’t only exist on the mound. “It means a lot to hear that from you,” I told him. “Cody’s worried everyone’s going to be pissed off at him if they find out we’ve been talking again.”

“Is that why you haven’t been out to the house?”

“Yeah,” I responded. “He figured it’d be easier for us to talk things through without everyone trying to add in their opinions. Maybe it’s self-serving of me, but I wasn’t about to argue with him.”

“And why is it easier to hide?” He moved to the seat directly in front of me so we didn’t have to worry about anyone hearing us talk about more personal topics. I didn’t think it was a major concern, but Sean had been around longer than I had.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I retorted. Sean quirked an eyebrow and waited for me to elaborate. “Like I said, I was a huge shit. Cody didn’t deserve to be blindsided the way he was, no matter why I tried to justify it. I was just so damn upset about being dropped down, and he was the one thing I could cut out of my life so I could focus. Between us, it didn’t take me long to realize I’d made a huge mistake, but by then it was too late to apologize.”

Sean shook his head and sighed. “Man, I should kick your ass. Do you even realize there was no such thing in Cody’s mind? He was lost after you bailed. He kept trying to figure out what he could’ve done to get you to change your mind. But I can’t be too pissed at you, because if you’d reached out to him he would’ve gone wherever you were, and that wouldn’t have been good for him.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” I agreed. “When I saw him last month, it was a huge slap in the face. I’d convinced myself that I’d never see him again.”

“Man, you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?” Sean laughed but I didn’t see the humor. Cody had teased me about the same thing, since I worked for the same organization as three of the men who considered him their family.

“Anyway,” I said, trying to sail past my oversight. “To his credit, he wasn’t terribly receptive to meet with me the first day. I was prepared to keep fighting for the chance to apologize, but then he agreed to meet with me at a coffee shop downtown.”

“And the rest is history?”

“Hell no,” I said a bit louder than intended. I looked around to see if anyone was listening in before I continued. While I was no longer making excuses as to why I wasn’t out trying to take advantage of my very minor celebrity with the rest of the guys, I’d promised Cody I wasn’t going to lie about who I was anymore, either. I wasn’t sure I wanted to out myself while trapped in a moving bus. “The Cody I met my rookie year probably would’ve welcomed me back with open arms, but he’s changed. For the better, but he’s like an entirely different person now.”

“He is,” Sean agreed. “So he’s making you work for it? Good for him.”

“Yeah, it definitely hasn’t been as easy as I’d hoped,” I admitted. “And when we left that night, I still figured it was a lost cause. But something he said flipped a switch in my mind.”

“How so?”

“He talked a lot about how my dad’s trying to make changes throughout the organization so it’s not so hard to make it in the minors,” I told him. “I’m not even sure how Cody knew all the shit he did, since he said he just started his internship.”

Sean gave me a look that told me I was being dense again. “Do you really think the two of them hadn’t met until Cody started working with the PR team? Your dad’s spent a fair bit of time over at Eric’s place over the winter. It’s still a pretty touchy subject and he knows a lot of people figure it’ll be impossible to make changes, so he wasn’t comfortable talking about it at the park. Cody’s a smart kid. We all learned quickly you can’t talk about anything you don’t want him to know about if he’s anywhere in the building. He hears everything and doesn’t forget a single detail.”

“That makes sense.” While I’d been curious, I hadn’t figured out a way to ask Cody outright how he knew so much, and it wasn’t the first thing on my mind most of the time when we were together. “I wasn’t looking forward to heading back to the hotel, so I called my dad. We wound up having a conversation I think he’s been dying to have with me for a long time. He told me I’ve learned all there is to learn about pitching, but I’d never advance if I can’t get over the issues I’ve created in my own mind.”

“He’s a smart guy,” he said with a smirk. “You probably don’t remember, but to hear him tell it, he had a similar issue. It was different problems cluttering his head than what you’re dealing with, but I think we all have issues to overcome on the way up.”

“What was it for you?” I asked. Since Sean wasn’t holding a grudge against me for upsetting Cody years ago, I wanted to learn as much as I could about him. I guess it was safe to say he was still a bit of an idol for me even though he’d retired.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffed. “I spent years wishing I’d had the balls to tell my best friend I was in love with him. There were times when we lived together when I swore there was something between us, but I convinced myself he’d never feel the same way. So, I took the easy way out and kept my mouth shut. Except that was torture, because I had to watch him playing the part of your typical playboy. In a way, it was a blessing when we wound up in different cities. Then, I had to stand up in his wedding and that damn near crushed me.”

“That’s some heavy shit.”

My phone buzzed. The message was from Cody, asking if we were on our way back. Although it was rude, I picked up the phone and typed in a quick message letting him know we’d be back to the training complex in about thirty minutes. Sean smirked when I turned my attention back to him. “What’s so damn funny?”

“You,” he said pointedly. “You’ve got it bad. Have you thought about what you’re going to do at the end of spring training? Because I’ve got to tell you, right now there’s a chance the other guys will come around and not want to castrate you. But if they think you’re playing with Cody’s heart again, they’ll be fighting over who gets to swing first.”

“I have no clue how we’re going to make it work,” I admitted a bit somberly. “Neither of us have wanted to talk about what the future holds. But I do know I don’t want it to end. As long as I can hang on to my spot on Triple-A, it won’t be so bad. We’d be a few hours apart, but Dubuque is a hell of a lot better than Pennsylvania.”

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about there,” Sean reassured me. “Just keep doing what you’re doing because it’s working.”

Sean moved back to his original seat and picked up his tablet. Some people thought it was rude when he abruptly ended conversations, but I didn’t get that impression. He was very much a no-nonsense man. He said whatever needed to be said and then moved on to his next task for the day.

Back at the training complex, everyone was in a hurry to get out of there. We’d played early today and weren’t playing until late tomorrow, so it was almost like having a day off. No doubt many of the guys would be hitting the clubs tonight. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and started searching for someplace Cody and I could sneak away to. I was tired of feeling like we were trying to hide away from the world, even though that’s exactly what we were doing. In the past, I worried I’d made Cody feel like he was my dirty little secret. Now, I knew exactly how shitty that felt, because I was his.