The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (8 page)

BOOK: The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets
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“Haha. I remember now – funny story.”

“Yes, see? Everyone loves that story. We admire how clever Tom was. Also, there’s the story of the grasshopper and the ant.”

“Yes, I know that one.”

“The ant works hard all summer while the grasshopper plays, and then when winter comes, the ant is prepared and the grasshopper is screwed.”

“Yes… where are you going with this?”

“Wait, I have one more – the mouse and the lion.”

“Which one was that?”

“The lion catches a mouse, who begs for his life, saying that maybe someday he could help the lion. The lion reluctantly agrees, even though he can’t imagine how this tiny little mouse could ever help him. But then lo and behold, the lion gets caught by hunters, and the mouse gnaws through the hunters’ ropes and sets him free.”

“Ok. What are you saying then?”

“I’m saying that our society has all these different values. Tricking people into doing your work for you like Tom did, working hard for yourself like the ant did, helping someone because someday they will help you like with the lion… but where’s the story where the characters do something good purely because it’s the right thing, without expecting to get
anything in return? Where’s the story that teaches that self-sacrifice for others is good purely for its own sake?”

“Uh… the Jesus story?”

“Please, I’m being serious.”

“So am I… sort of. I’m as big a critic of religion as anyone, but you have to admit that religions did teach a lot of lessons about helping others.”

“Yeah, they teach them right before they pass around the collection plate – or should I say, the ‘stained-glass window fund.’ ”

“Haha. Maybe, but I’m not so sure that society is entirely to blame for human selfishness. Don’t you think that people are innately selfish? Don’t you think that millions of years of evolution designed us to be that way?”

“Yeah, but remember, it wasn’t
entirely
evolution that designed us – we know now that God directed human evolution.”

“Right.” Zack frowned slightly.

“But regardless, I think humans can overcome their nature. For example, what if God hadn’t come? How do you think society would have turned out?”

“What do you mean?”

“Imagine that the world continued to develop for another thousand years without God bringing Heaven. How do you think the people of the future would have viewed morality?”

“I don’t know, that’s anybody’s guess.”

“Come on, try to imagine,” Lilly said, getting excited. “You hop into a time machine. You go to the 3000’s. You approach the first person you see and you ask her to show you around. And then as you start, all of a sudden, bam! She
falls and breaks her leg. So you go the hospital.
Now
, when you walk in Zack, do they ask for her insurance card? Do they say, ‘I’m sorry, but we can only treat you if you can afford to pay us?’ No Zack, they wouldn’t. And they would look back at us and the way that we treated our poor and sick the same way that you and I look back at slaveholding societies.”

“Ok, ok. I suppose you’re right about the insurance card thing, but wouldn’t that just be because they would have really advanced technology that would let them treat a broken leg for practically free? I don’t know Lilly. I’m not sure that I share your faith in humanity. I could just as easily imagine a super advanced society that was still every bit as heartless as ours was.”

“But over time, didn’t we get better? Think of the progress that we made just in the last century. Think of all the new
laws
we passed.”

“Finally, she makes a joke!” Zack was not entirely convinced by Lilly’s argument, but he had to admire her passion. “Anyway,” he said, “isn’t all of this irrelevant now? I mean, now that God ended the world.”

“I don’t know. Somehow it’s still important to me.”

“Ok. Well let’s not start World War III over this – I think we both made some valid points. How about this, for all of your beliefs, and everything you did in life, I’m going to give you…” He rubbed his hands together and produced a gold medal, which he then hung around her neck.

“What does it say?” She held it up. “Crusader for justice? That’s nice… nobody ever gave me a medal before,” she said, smiling.

“You just didn’t know the right people.”

Lilly did not reply, and Zack took this opportunity to take the conversation in a completely different direction. “So… what was it like when God first came to you? I mean after you realized that you weren’t dreaming.”

“Well, like I said, we were on the sidewalk in Brooklyn. He said ‘Happy Birthday,’ even though he
knows
I don’t like to make a big deal about it, and then I asked him why he was a man.”

“Interesting.”

“He said that he is neither male nor female, but is all things at once. He said that he appeared to me as a man because that’s what I was expecting. I tried to argue with him, but I had to admit that deep down, even though I didn’t like it, he was right. Then I asked him a whole bunch of other questions.”

“Sounds familiar.”

“He answered most of them, but then he said that I might want to visit the Library. Wow Zack, that place was a trip!”

“Tell me about it.”

“It turns out that I was baptized and I never knew it!”

“Really?”

“Yes. My grandma did it when I was a baby. My parents were atheists too and they absolutely refused to let her, but she took me behind their backs when she was babysitting me one day!”

“That’s hilarious.”

“I know. Anyway, after the Library, I had the sudden urge to eat Easter candy.”

“Easter candy?”

“Yes. It was soooooo good!”

“Why Easter candy? Why not Halloween candy?”

“Phhhh. Don’t you know anything about candy? Halloween candy is crap. It’s just regular candy. Easter candy is special. It has different colors and shapes… different tastes. They don’t make it all-year round, you know, like those Cadbury eggs, with the crème filling? I even asked God to make new kinds of Easter candy for me to try – holy shit, so fuckin’ good.”

“What! No way. What kind of an atheist are you?!! You were baptized, you love Easter candy?”

“What can I say?”

“And now I find out that you love Mondelez, Inc.!”

“Mondo – what?”

“Mondelez. It’s the company that owns the Cadbury brand.”

“Phhhh!”

“But how could an evil corporation bring you so much happiness? I think deep down you’re really a kid at heart.”

“I don’t know.” Lilly’s face got serious again.

“Tell me,” Zack said, “what
were
you like as a kid?”

“Oh boy. This could take a while. I know, let’s sit down over there and I’ll show you.” She pointed to an empty bench in the nearby square.

They started to walk over, and Zack noticed that Lucky had disappeared. “Hey Lilly, where’d Lucky go?” he asked, looking around. “Luuuuucky!” he called out. “Wheeere aaaaare yooouuuuu?”

“Maybe he got bored. You know, we did just circle the same block like five times.”

“Oh wow, you’re right. I was so wrapped up in the conversation that I didn’t even realize.” He looked around
again. “Luuuuuuuucky!” he yelled as loud as he could. “Oh, never mind, there he is!”

Lucky came tearing around the corner, with what appeared to be Zack’s mother’s dishcloth in his mouth, only to stop five feet away and jump backwards in an attempt to entice Zack and Lilly into a chase.

“Lucky, come here!” Zack said, pretending to be mad.

Lucky settled down and slowly complied.

Zack took the dishcloth from Lucky’s mouth and examined it. It had blue and white checkers, with two large burn marks – just as Zack had thought. “It
is
my mom’s dishcloth. How the hell did Lucky find it here?” Zack looked at Lucky and could have sworn that for a second, his fur was white. “You don’t think… I mean, he’s only a dog?”

“You did tell me he’s a really smart dog.”

“I know, but still.”

They sat down on the bench and watched Lucky closely.

For a minute, nothing happened. Lucky just sat there looking at them. But when it became clear that Zack and Lilly were neither going to command him nor entertain him, Lucky’s attention drifted, and the next thing they knew, he was pawing at the air and rolling hotdogs onto the ground off of an invisible shelf a foot in front of his face.

“Wow!” Zack said, beaming with pride. “I knew he was smart, but this time even I’m amazed!”

“I suppose,” Lilly said. “But I’m not shocked. Remember, it’s his heaven too! It would be surprising if God left dogs still entirely at their masters’ mercy.

Anyway, wasn’t I going to show you what I was like as a kid? Or did you forget?”

“No, of course not, I want to see.”

“Ok, give me your hand.”

Zack did, and instantly felt a sudden rush of unexpected sensations. Lilly’s hand was soft and fiery, demure and electric, sweet and cunning – all at the same time. In that moment, Zack felt incredibly awake. In his whole life, he had never felt so much excitement just from the touch of a woman’s hand. He looked at Lilly, but she continued talking as if nothing had happened. Had she not felt the same thing?

Ok, Lilly thought into Zack’s brain, I am going to play you some memories. Close your eyes and open your mind.

This was Zack’s first time communicating with telepathy, but it turned out to be no more difficult than producing Lilly’s gold medal. He closed his eyes, relaxed, and the next thing he knew, he was a little girl in a pink jumper, sitting next to a little boy in a doctor’s office.

Remember, you’re me, Lilly said, answering his concerns.

Then a nurse walked into the office and smiled at the boy. ‘So, I heard you were afraid to get your shot. Well, I’m gonna give your big sister here her shot first, so you can see that it doesn’t hurt.’

The little boy nodded.

The nurse took Zack’s little-girl arm, and Zack smiled slyly. Something was going to happen.

The nurse stuck him with the needle. ‘Ahhhhhh!’ he screamed. ‘Ahhhhhh! It hurts so much!!!!’

The little boy ran out of the room crying, and the nurse shook her head.

Zack chuckled, and then Lilly gave him the next one. He/she was older now, sitting in an empty grade school classroom with a teacher.

‘Now Lillian,’ the teacher said firmly, ‘evolution is just one theory. Of course it is backed up by science, but the question asked you to talk about
two
theories for the origin of mankind. To get full credit, you had to discuss both. Look…’ She shuffled through her papers. ‘Ah, here we are. Debbie Parsons, A+. See, evolution
and
creationism.’

‘Creationism isn’t science, and you shouldn’t be teaching it in a science class!’ Zack burst out, almost shouting. ‘You shouldn’t even be teaching it in school at all!’

‘Lilly, I never said creationism was right. You are certainly entitled to believe whatever you want. But you need to recognize that there are other theories out there.’

Zack could feel Lilly’s anger in the young teeth that he now shared, as well as in the adult hand and mind projecting them.

Lilly quickly jumped into the next memory.

This time, Zack was a teenage girl wearing a leather jacket, in a park at night with two girlfriends smoking pot. He pulled a pocket mirror out of a little black purse and checked his hair and make-up – they must have been going somewhere else after this. Lilly, you were very pretty! Are you crazy?! Zack pushed the words into Lilly’s mind, but Lilly ignored them, leaving Zack to wonder if she had slipped this first part of the memory in by accident or design.

‘Yeah,’ Zack said in the memory, in a tough, cool voice, ‘you know that fucking cross she always wears? Well I told that bitch exactly where the fuck she could shove it!’

Lilly’s friends roared with laughter.

Then Lilly fast-forwarded the memory a little, and an adult man appeared. He looked like somebody’s father.

‘Give me a break,’ Zack said, ‘it’s no worse than alcohol. We’re not hurting anyone. Do you know how much money the government would save if it legalized pot?’

‘I know I’m going to be calling your father, Lilly,’ the man said.

“Ok, Zack,” Lilly said, “just one more. I’ll give you an adult memory.”

In this one, Zack found himself a grown woman dressed in a suit, standing before a judge in a courtroom.

‘Your honor,’ he said, ‘this document clearly falls into the business records exception to the hearsay rule. You have to admit it into evidence.’

‘I’ve already made my ruling, the email stays out.’

‘I’ll appeal, and I’ll win.’

‘I’ll hold you in contempt!’ the Judge shouted, banging his gavel.

The memory faded away, and Zack opened his eyes.

“Are you starting to have second thoughts about me?” Lilly asked.

“Not at all! I’m happy you shared all of that with me. I want to know everything about you.”

“We’ll see how long you keep thinking like that. So, what else do you want to know?”

“Well, one question I had, what was that trial about?”

“Health insurance. My client was a factory worker with a bad back. He suffered nearly debilitating pain, but somehow still managed to pull himself to work every single day and push through his shifts. His doctor recommended a spinal surgery, but the insurance company said it was an
elective procedure
. They said it wasn’t
medically necessary!
Unbelievable. The stuff that happens in this world… well, that used to happen.
Anyway, my client couldn’t get a private plaintiff’s attorney to take the case for him because it wasn’t worth enough money, so he came to legal services, and I got it.”

“What happened? Did you win?”

“No. We lost at trial, but I appealed on several grounds. I probably would have won, but the insurance company’s lawyers dragged everything out so long that the world literally ended before the company had to pay out a dime!”

“Haha. Well, at least everything worked out. I’m sure God fixed your client’s back pain a lot quicker than you and the legal system ever could’ve. No offense.”

“None taken. Anyway, it’s your turn. What were
you
were like as a child?”

BOOK: The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets
8.93Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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