The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) (5 page)

Tilting my head heavenward, I felt dazzled by the twinkling lights of the stars. Back home, there was so much light pollution that I’d never seen the sky so full. I took a minute to slow my breathing and concentrate on their unfettered beauty. I needed a moment to release everything and just focus on being alive.

Evan was a caveman, but he did have a point. I was feeling like someone had snatched my brain and replaced it with one from an angst-ridden girl. From the second we left Pennsylvania, I’d been too caught up in my own drama to enjoy myself. Whatever happened between Cole and me was in the far past. The feelings were crazy intense back then, but I had to let it go.

The truth I’d been fighting was Cole had every right to be furious with me. I was the one who screwed up. I hadn’t wanted anyone else besides Cole, but my brain and body had apparently been at odds. I betrayed Cole and he could never forgive me for my mistake.

Still, I wished I’d been honest with Cole back then and try to explain away what had happened. But I felt too sick and twisted up inside. All I told him was I’d gone out with my girlfriends and hooked up with someone else. He didn’t know who or why. He didn’t know the torture I’d gone through each day of having to wake up and look at myself in the mirror. I despised myself for what I did, but I also hated myself for not being brave enough to come forward and spill the entire undiluted truth.

Cole was angry now, but at the time he had only been hurt and confused. Not that I blamed him. Everything clicked between us. What had I been looking for that he hadn’t been able to give me? Why was I so set on self-sabotage?

“Hey,” a quiet voice said behind me. My head snapped back and I took a startled, unsteady step away. I shouldn’t have been surprised to run into Cole. Despite the huge ship, the space felt confined. In fact, every breath I took with him near burned like fire in my lungs.

“Hi,” I said in a soft whisper. He looked good in spite of probably being out partying for hours. I knew my wild hair was curling into frizz from the salty ocean air and my makeup was probably smearing. On the other hand, Cole was flawless. His Sicilian mother had blessed him with the ability to sport a natural tan year-round as well as lent him the same shade of her gorgeous light hazel eyes. His father had died years ago, but I assumed his height and muscular build came from him. Mrs. Gianna Caldwell was an adorable, petite and plump woman who plied her boys with mountains of food each time they came over. Cole’s incredible metabolism and job as a steelworker kept him from porking up. He was all lean muscle and I’d been in heaven on earth during the hours I got to lick every perfect inch of him.

“What are you doing out here alone?” he said moving in.

“Getting some air,” I answered shortly. “You?”

He nodded. “Same.” He cleared his throat. “About earlier…”

I held up a hand to stop him. “Yeah, the whole game on thing was a little much, but I get it. This sucks for both of us. But we have a lot of the same friends, so we’re going to end up seeing each other from time to time. We should aim for some semblance of civility.”

Cole bit down on his lip and looked out into the ocean. “I’ve wanted to see you, Casey. I thought about calling, but then I’d tell myself to grow a pair and move on. I just didn’t get why you had to be with another guy. Was it too much too soon?”

“Let’s not do this,” I said in panic mode. The timing was all wrong for a full confessional.

His eyes were unreadable. I wanted more than anything to crawl inside his brain and figure out what was going on. “Why not?” he said.

“I get that you want an autopsy on our relationship, but I don’t think I can give you the answers you want. I’m sorry I hurt you, but I can’t take back that night. Maybe I do have commitment issues. You know my mom could never stay with one man long,” I said, gripping the railing tightly. I grimaced at the absurdity of my justification. I wanted to punch myself in the face for using the “Mommy didn’t give me enough attention” excuse for bad behavior.

“Bullshit, Casey. My dad had horrible depression most of his life. I won’t assume I’m going to suffer the same fate,” he said in a low and dark voice.

The door opened behind us and we both quieted. I managed a smile for the middle-aged couple holding hands while keeping my eyes glued to Cole. The couple walked away and we were alone once again. His eyes darkened as he stared at me. The tension was building to a crescendo and I didn’t know what was more likely to happen: for him to kiss me or storm away and never speak to me again.

His presence triggered too many memories. His smell, his touch—they had become ingrained in my subconscious and I couldn’t ever shake him.

I broke our staring contest first. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t blame my mom for my own mistakes. And although I don’t want to get into what happened, I will tell you that I regret it. If I could take that night back, I would. A million times I would go back and do things differently.”

He nodded and I saw a thoughtful look pass over his expression. Being drawn to him was torture. Despite him telling me that he planned to screw whomever he damn well pleased on the vacation, I still wanted him. I wanted that feeling again with him: the sensation of free falling and simply enjoying the ride.

Damn I wanted to kiss him. If I wasn’t such a freak show, we could totally work. I could fall in love with Cole. It would be easy since I was likely already half in love with him. He seemed to catch on to my thought process and slowly settled his strong, warm hand under my chin. He wet his lips with his tongue while my belly flip-flopped in anticipation. His hazel eyes blazed and I saw an emotional tornado inside of them. My cheeks grew hotter as the seconds tick by, waiting for him to make the first move.

The door burst open. “You touch her and I will kick your balls into your throat, Cole Caldwell.” Delia narrowed her eyes at him and stormed over to where we were standing. “Levi told me all about how you planned to man whore it up this week and I’m not letting you start with Casey.” She yanked me to her side, out of his reach. “Poor form. And I’ve thought you were finally becoming an adult.”

Cole backed away with his hands up accompanied by a wounded look. “What did I do to get on your bad side? You know we’re practically family. We were even going to make you an honorary member of the band.”

“I’ll deal with you later,” Delia said with a sigh. “You better go back and find your brothers. We’ve made a strict no fraternizing with the guys rule for the night.”

“Fine,” he said with a smirk. “I was just leaving.”

“Sure you were,” Delia said dryly. Cole caught my eye and I felt something pass between us. I didn’t want to cling to a false hope, but maybe I’d been too hasty. I assumed my mistake meant we were over and done with. But could Cole forgive me?

The problem was even if he did forgive me, could I forget what had happened? Could I be bounce back and be the same girl I was when we were together? Because I didn’t know if that was possible. I had changed and maybe the new version of me wasn’t what Cole wanted or needed.

Chapter Seven

Saint Maarten took my breath away. From the second we crossed the plank to get off the boat, I fell in love. As I took in the perfect white sand beaches, succulent coconut trees and crystal clear blue ocean, I wondered if I could just stay on the island forever and never return to Fairfort.

For the first stop on the cruise, the ladies had voted to have a relaxing beach day. The guys were renting wave runners, jet skis and all other types of macho toys, but I decided a vacation was about unwinding. We were doing a few sightseeing trips later in the week, but Autumn was a very chill girl. Her ideal vacation would be lying on a beach for hours on end without a care in the world.

We had set up camp on the beach nearby where the guys were in the water. Besides providing eye candy, I was getting a chuckle out of watching them take turns busting ass on the Jet Ski.

Reclining back on the beach chaise, I closed my eyes and started to doze off. Falling asleep the night before had been a challenge. Despite staying out at the bars until late night, I’d been too keyed up to drift off. I kept thinking back to the moment I shared with Cole out on the boat deck. What if Delia hadn’t interrupted? Would he have kissed me? Was that whole spiel about hooking up with whomever we wanted all a ruse?

I didn’t buy for one moment that he would just turn to me for vacation sex. Cole was sexy as sin. And he was in a band. And he had an identical twin brother. He was like the trifecta of hotness. With our history, I’d probably be the last woman he’d turn to for meaningless sex.

“Here, put this on,” Cole said, and I opened my eyes to see him walking purposefully toward me. Before I could ask him what he was talking about, an oversized t-shirt was tossed in my direction. The shirt smacked my face before falling onto my lap.

“What’s this?” I scrunched up my face as I examined the shirt. He must have just picked the shirt up from one of the vendors lined up along the street next to the beach. The tee was plain white with an “I Heart Saint Maarten” logo emblazoned on the front.

“You’re getting burnt to a crisp. You should cover up,” he said, not meeting my eye. His lack of eye contact gave me a chance to ogle him up close. His tanned chest was rock hard with his abs looking more defined than the last time I had seen him shirtless. His board shorts rode low on his waist, displaying the small smattering of hair below his belly button. My skin prickled with goose bumps although I was the farthest thing from cold.

Regaining my focus, I stared at the t-shirt in confusion. I had slathered on sun block before laying out. My skin was slightly flushed, but definitely not anywhere near sunburned. Not to mention I’d been hiding under an oversized beach umbrella for most of the day. “I think I’m good.”

“All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said and shrugged.

“I think he’s more concerned with how much skin you’re showing, than your sun exposure,” Autumn teased.

I glanced down at my skimpy red two-piece and gave Cole a mock affronted look. “You do realize that Saint Maarten is made up of clothing-optional beaches.”

“Oh no Casey, if you go topless, Cole might buy you a snowsuit to wear for the rest of the trip,” Autumn said.

Too many unresolved feelings lingered between us and I could see him struggle to laugh it off. His sense of humor had obviously been collateral damage of our breakup. “I’m going now,” Cole said with a huff.

“Leaving so soon?” I called as he strode away. I held up the shirt. “Thanks for the souvenir!”

Autumn laughed, before resting her head contently on my shoulder. “You seem more like yourself today.”

“Sorry about the weirdness yesterday. Cole and I talked last night and I think we’re good now,” I said quietly, watching Cole stride back down the beach. Gracefully, he swam back out to his abandoned Jet Ski.

“You’re going to try with him again? He’s obviously into you. Blake told me that despite Evan egging him on all night, he kept mostly to himself. Not exactly the rock-god player I met when Delia first got together with Levi,” she said.

“Maybe we’re just both being seduced by the locale. Once we leave paradise, we still have the same problems as before,” I said morosely.

“I don’t get why you broke up with him, Casey. There was no fizzling out between you two. You still have crazy chemistry with him,” she said.

“Autumn, my dear,” I said, tilting my head to meet her eyes. “I have crazy chemistry with any man. It’s part of the perk of being a sex goddess,” I said and did an exaggerated shimmy.

Autumn barked out a short laugh. “You just wait.”

“Wait for what?”

“Do you think you’ve already had good sex? Wait until you let Cole break down your walls and you finally admit you love him. Then, tell me how the sex compares.”

“Ugh, Autumn, you’re not turning into one of those kinds of women are you? The ones who think you can only have enjoyable sex if you’re lying on your back missionary style while whispering I love you between thrusts,” I said teasingly.

“No, but if that ever happens in the future with Blake, you’ve officially ruined it for me.” She added sarcastically, “Thanks a lot.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” I chirped.

Lexi came over to stand in front of us. Nervously, she pulled on the strap of her black swimsuit. “Hey, I’m just going to steal Casey for a minute.”

I gave her a questioning look. I sensed Lexi was trying to sound natural, but the way her eyes jumped around made her appear frazzled. “What’s up?”

“Let’s just talk in private for a sec,” she said, flustered. To Autumn, she explained, “Just some top secret maid of honor stuff I have to run by Casey.”

Begrudgingly, I climbed to my feet. Whatever Lexi had to tell me better be important if she was forcing me out of my sunning spot. I tossed on the shirt Cole gave me over my swimsuit and subdued a smile. No matter what happened between him and me, I’d be keeping the shirt for a very long time.

Autumn waved us away while picking up a paperback she had brought along. I followed Lexi down the beach as she hurried across the sand. I huffed and puffed behind her, meanwhile wondering at what could have her so worked up. Finally, when we were a good thirty yards away from Autumn, she stopped and faced me.

She held up her cell phone that I hadn’t noticed before and waved it across my face. “I was able to get reception here and just got off the phone with Finn.”

“Okay,” I said, starting to worry for her. “Is everything fine with you two?”

She nodded, but then let out a little sniffle. Lexi wasn’t much for tears, so she was starting to freak me out a bit. Since the three of us lived together, we all had our place. Autumn was the emotional core while Lexi was the one for practicality.
Crying didn’t fix any problems
was Lexi’s motto. My role as the devil’s advocate was a little more complex and seemed to be evolving.

“Yes. Finn is good. It’s not that…” Lexi trailed off and looked over my shoulder back at Autumn. She swallowed and I could see her tampering down on whatever had her upset. Her jaw tightened and she squared her shoulders. “Thomas is going to do a TV interview in two days.”

“What?” I gasped.

She nodded, not staggered by my shocked reaction. “I know. Maybe he planned it purposely knowing Blake and Autumn would be out of the country.”

I followed Lexi’s gaze to Autumn and Delia. “Does Autumn know? Or Delia?”

“I don’t think so. Autumn would’ve told us and I’d hope Delia would give us a heads up if she knew about it. As far as I’m aware, she hasn’t talked to her father in months.”

I bit down on my lip as I mulled over what a catastrophe in the making the news meant for Autumn’s bachelorette party. “So, basically he’s capitalizing on Blake and Autumn’s wedding. Christ, hasn’t Thomas put them through enough?”

“Finn saw a commercial for the TV spot and said it sounds like he wants to share his side of the story.” Lexi said with clear distaste in her voice. “More like he wants to ruin what should be the happiest day of Autumn’s life.”

“We can’t tell her,” I said abruptly.

“Really?”

“What good will it do to tell her? She’s going to find out as soon as we get back to the states. Why not let her have fun without worrying about what that prick is going to say about her and Blake?”

Lexi crossed her arms over her chest. “But what about Delia and Blake? He’s their father…”

“Blake’s stepfather,” I corrected automatically. “And I don’t think he even considers him that anymore. But maybe we should tell him. Get his opinion on whether Autumn and Delia should know or not.” Moreover, Blake could absolve us both of the responsibility of having to decide if Autumn should be privy to the fact her personal business was about to be broadcast on a national level.

My fluttery feelings about Cole had vanished. Dread and nausea caused my stomach to churn. Why now? Thomas Bridges had never told his warped version of events publicly. Was he dead set on stopping the wedding? Maybe he had prematurely assumed Autumn was a phase for Blake that his stepson would eventually grow out of. Only proved how far removed Thomas was from reality. From the second I saw Autumn and Blake cross paths, I knew he was the only one for her.

“Maybe Thomas wants to apologize. He’s ready to admit his guilt as a way to make amends before the wedding,” she said in a hopeful voice.

“If he wants to give them something for their wedding, he should buy some china off their bridal registry, not dredge up the past. Autumn was sexually assaulted by him in high school and has been surrounded by a media circus since then. Not even a truckload of Hallmark apology cards would be sufficient.” I wished Thomas were within reach, so I could wring his neck myself. I never met him, but he’d been a phantom haunting our group for years.

“We better head back over before Autumn suspects something is up,” Lexi suggested as we both got lost in thought over how to prevent Thomas from messing up Autumn’s life even more.

On the other hand, Delia was a wild card. For a long time, she'd remained loyal to her father and believed his twisted tale of a teen seductress who'd cried rape. Although she had little to no contact with her dad in the past year, I hoped she wouldn’t switch alliances after hearing his side of the story.

I nodded my head. “No matter what happens, Autumn will be fine. She’s handled everything life has thrown at her with more grace than I could ever have.”

I could take lessons from Autumn. She was poised, kind and gracious, even to people who didn’t deserve it. Her big heart was probably her biggest flaw. She had even mentioned inviting Blake’s mother to the wedding, which was completely bananas in my mind. His mom had hated Autumn for years, blamed her for tearing apart Blake’s family. But once his mother realized Blake and Autumn were a packaged deal, she’d been contrite and eager to please. She loved Blake too much to risk losing him for good. Autumn seemed open to giving his mother a second chance. My opinion differed vastly. In my mind, once a psycho bitch, always a psycho bitch.

“Drama, drama, drama,” I said through clenched teeth as we both turned to walk back to our beach chairs. “I thought we could get some perks once our best friend got engaged to a pro football player. Instead we have to play sentinel against the media and deal with his dick friends.”

“Speaking of, what’s up with you and Justin? I saw your face when Delia said he was meeting us in Barbados. Your skin turned green and you looked like you just sucked a lemon,” Lexi said, slowing her pace down.

I felt a flush in my cheeks. “He rubs me the wrong way, that’s all. I met him at that gala thing in Baltimore we went to with Autumn. The last time I saw him was months ago when Blake and his teammates were staying in Atlantic City.”

Lexi stopped in her tracks and stared at me. She blinked at me as I shifted from side to side. Her mouth suddenly made a surprised “o” shape as if she had finally solved a mental puzzle. “You mean the Atlantic City trip where we got back and you broke things off with Cole?”

“Justin is not the reason Cole and I aren’t together,” I said through gritted teeth. “I told you why we ended things.”

“Casey, you’re one of my best friends and I can tell when you’re lying. You get all twitchy and quiet. And you’re the kind of person that never shuts up. Did you and Justin…?”

I coughed and looked down at the sand. Couldn’t Lexi sense I was trying not to reflect on my brief but traumatic time with Justin? Bad enough, I would have to see him in a few days. Did she have to force me to conjure up his infuriatingly perfect face? Justin had it all: killer body, perfect coiffed blond hair, dazzling green eyes. He could have anyone. But to my great misfortune, he had decided he wanted me.

“Fine,” I hissed at her. “Justin and I had sex in Atlantic City and that’s the reason Cole and I broke up. Can you leave it alone now?” My defensiveness was automatic. Admitting my sins out loud didn’t make me feel better. It only dredged up the awful feelings tied to that night.

Lexi’s brown eyes appeared wounded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I know I fucked up something great, Lexi. And I didn’t want to hear about what a terrible person I am for cheating on the one guy I thought was my soulmate,” I said with tears in my voice. I swiped at my eyes angrily.

“Casey, I’m not your priest. I’m your friend. I would want to help you through your breakup. This whole time you never gave me a hint that you felt so strongly about Cole,” she said.