The New York City Bartender's Joke Book (3 page)

“That’s right!” the old man says, astounded. “That’s amazing! How did you do that?”

With a wry smile, the old woman says, “You told me yesterday.”

A sex therapist has a theory. He is convinced that people who have sex one or more times a day are the happiest people on
the planet. He randomly selects 1, 500 people and invites them to a seminar at the local town hall. There, the therapist walks
up to the podium and says, “With a show of hands, how many of you have sex one or more times a day?”

A little more than half of the people quickly raise their hands, and every one of them has a huge grin on their face or they
are laughing hysterically.

The therapist smiles, knowing that his theory is holding true. “Now,” he says, “how many of you have sex only once a week?”

A little less than half raise their hands, a thin grin on their faces.

Again the therapist smiles, knowing that his theory is still holding true. Then he says, “How many of you have sex once a
month?”

Only a few people lift their hands, and as if they are embarrassed there are no smiles on any of their faces.

The therapist is pleased, knowing that his theory will soon be fact. “I have one more question,” he states. “How many of you
have sex only once a year?”

Everyone looks around, noting that no hands are raised, but way in the back of the hall one man is jumping up and down, frantically
raising his hand, laughing uncontrollably.

The therapist is shocked. One man has single-handedly disproved his theory!

“Sir,” he exclaims, “you only have sex once a year; why are you so happy?”

The man, hardly able to contain himself, yells, “
Today’s the day
!”

What has four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. kats and her attorney.

A priest and a construction worker are flying from New York to California. The priest is sitting at the window seat diligently
toiling away at the
New York Times
crossword puzzle while the construction worker is snoozing on the aisle seat. After a while, the priest gently nudges the
construction worker, hoping to wake him. The construction worker opens his eyes and says, “Yes, Father, what can I do for you?”

“I wonder if you could help me with this crossword puzzle?” the priest answers, somewhat apologetically.

“Sure, Father,” the construction worker says eagerly. “I’d be glad to.”

“Well,” says the priest sheepishly, “I need a four-letter word that ends in U-N-T that means ‘female relative.’”

“That’s easy, Father,” says the construction worker. “The word you are looking for is A-U-N-T.”

“Oh! That’s right!” the priest says triumphantly. “Do you have an eraser?”

When I fly anywhere, I sleep like a baby. I throw

up and poop in my ants!

Two old ladies are on vacation in Scotland. They visit various little towns, buying souvenirs and meeting the lovely country
folk. One day, driving their rented car out in the country, they come upon a scene one would only see in photographs—a beautiful
field with one solitary, majestic oak tree with a white stone wall behind it and a Scotsman, wearing the traditional kilt,
sleeping at the base of the tree.

The ladies get out of the car to take some pictures. One old lady whispers to the other, “I wonder if what they say is true,
that Scotsmen don’t wear anything under their kilts.”

“Let’s find out,” responds the other lady with a wink and a grin.

The two ladies then tiptoe up to the Scotsman
by the tree and gently lift up his kilt. Lo and behold, he doesn’t have any underpants on! But he must have been having one
helluva dream, if you get my drift.

One old lady opens her purse and extracts a blue ribbon and ties it in a bow around the Scotsman’s penis. They giggle, take
a picture, pull his kilt down ever so gently, go back to the car, and drive off.

Half an hour later, the Scotsman wakes up and stretches. He has to pee, so he pulls up his kilt, looks down, sees the ribbon,
and exclaims, “Well, I dinna know where ya bin when I was sleepin’ but I’m proud o’ ya… ya won first prize!”

What is Irish foreplay?

“Brace yourself, Erin, here I come
!
”

What is 5 miles long, has 140, 000 pairs of legs,

and an IQ of 150?

The St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

Did you know that Ted Kennedy spent five

million dollars on his last campaign?

He got most of it back when he returned

the empties.

And speaking of kilts…

It was the summer between the end of high school and the beginning of college. I had the opportunity to visit Scotland, hitchhiking
transversely, north to south, east to west, wide-eyed and enthralled at the beauty of the Highlands.

Not far from Edinburgh is the lovely town of Haddington, where I met the McTavish clan. They took me in as if I were one of
their own and invited me to their annual party, usually reserved for family and friends—no outsiders.

It was at this party that I had the privilege and honor to wear, for the entire evening, the traditional kilt, with the socks, the
shoes, the blouse, and the pouch. I danced some Scottish jigs, sang some Scottish songs, and drank some scotch whiskey. Then
I met Maggie! Red of hair and green of eyes, a beauty that would stop
all
wars!

As if drawn by a huge magnet, we found ourselves outside walking along the glen; the mist was rising, the moon was full, and
the sound of the bagpipes could be heard off in the distance.

After a short while, she stopped and looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to hold my hand, wouldn’t
ya?”

I smiled and said, “Yes, Maggie, I’d love to hold your hand. How could you tell?”

“From the twinkle in your eyes,” she said, smiling.

So we walked along the glen, holding hands—the mist rising, the moon full, and the bagpipes
droning in the distance. She stopped me again, looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to put your
arm around me, now wouldn’t ya?”

“Yes, Maggie,” I said, “I’d love to put my arm around you. How could you tell?”

“From the twinkle in your eyes,” she said.

So we walked along the glen, arms around each other; the mist was rising, the moon was full, and the bagpipes were droning
in the distance. She stopped and looked at me with her beautiful green eyes and said, “You’d like to kiss me, wouldn’t ya?”