The Potty Mouth at the Table (5 page)

CUT BACK TO
LAURIE
. A SMALL CHUNK OF FIBER BAR TUMBLES OUT OF HER MOUTH. SHE KEEPS CHEWING.

LAURIE

Hey, mom. What’s—

CUT TO
MOM
.

MOM

Yeah, listen. I don’t know if anyone told you, but uh, we were at the hospital Thursday.

CUT TO
LAURIE
.

LAURIE

Oh my God. What happened?

CUT TO
MOM
.

MOM

Oh, God. It’s your sister.

LAURIE

Oh, no! Lisa?

MOM

Your sister!

LAURIE

Lisa?

MOM

The one closest to you.

CUT TO
LAURIE
.

LAURIE

I said “Lisa?”

MOM

In age.

LAURIE

Oh, Linda.

CUT TO
MOM
.

MOM

So your sister was just in the hospital.

LAURIE

Lisa?

MOM

Have you been drinking? I’m not playing games with you. Are you ready for me to tell you about your sister’s tragedy? or are you going to play games?

CUT TO
LAURIE
.

LAURIE

I’m ready. I’m actually very excited.

LAURIE
WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR.

CUT TO
MOM
.

SHE BITES INTO ANOTHER COOKIE. A PIECE OF IT FALLS OUT OF HER MOUTH.

MOM

Fine. She was at school, you know she’s teaching there, when she opened a Diet Pepsi while the kids were at recess.

CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR. SILENCE.

CUT TO
MOM
.

MOM
(CONT’D)

Are you listening to me? This is a very important part of the story.

LAURIE
(THROUGH PHONE)

I’m all ears.

FLASHBACK: CUT TO
LINDA
, A SUBURBAN VERSION OF
LAURIE
, WITH BLONDE HAIR, MANICURED FINGERNAILS, PERFECT MAKEUP, SITTING AT HER DESK IN A CLASSROOM AND WEARING A PINK VELOUR HOODIE. SHE OPENS THE DIET PEPSI.

MOM
(V.O.)

Usually, she says she gets a glass of ice with her Diet Pepsi, but this time, she didn’t. I don’t know why. She just didn’t.

LINDA
LOOKS AT THE CAN, STICKING ONE MANICURED FINGER IN IT AND SUDDENLY PULLING IT BACK OUT, AS IF THE SODA WERE BOILING WATER. THEN SHE SHRUGS AND POLISHES OFF THE HOT CAN OF SODA IN A MATTER OF GULPS.

MOM
(V.O.)

She drank it very fast, and all of the bubbles went to her chest! But she said the pain was so big in her chest that she had to hold her breath! The pain, the pain!

LINDA
’S EYES GET WIDE. IT ALL GOES BLACK. ONE SECOND. TWO SECONDS. THREE SECONDS.

CUT TO A BLURRY VISION OF SOMETHING GRAY, WHICH COMES INTO FOCUS AS A TEXTILE. FROM THE RIGHT CORNER, SOMETHING DARK SPREADS QUICKLY INTO THE FRAME. AN AUDIBLE, SMALL HISS OF CARBONATION IS HEARD.

MOM
(V.O.)

Then, the next thing you know, she woke up and she was looking at carpet. She had no idea where she was. Finally, she came to and realized she’d fainted.

CLOSE-UP OF
LINDA
’S EYES DARTING BACK AND FORTH. PANIC. PANIC. THE FAINT SOUNDS OF CHILDREN’S LAUGHTER ECHO IN THE BACKGROUND. A SPARROW WHISTLES.

THE SHOT GETS SHAKY AS SCOPE OF THE CLASSROOM IS QUICKLY TAKEN IN, A CUT TO THE LEFT AND A CUT TO THE RIGHT. THE ANGLE GAINS HEIGHT, DIPS A LITTLE, THEN SIMPLY CUTS WILDLY ABOUT.

SHOT OF A FAT MAN IN A TIE LOOKING DOWN. A NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN JOINS HIM. AND ANOTHER. AND ANOTHER. THE JANITOR STANDS THERE WITH A MOP IN HIS HANDS. A CROWD OF
LINDA
’S COWORKERS FORMS.

MOM
(V.O.)

She got herself to the phone and called her principal, who came over right away.

NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

(BENDING OVER AND TALKING LOUDLY)

Linda, what is your husband’s phone number?

LINDA
(V.O.)

I-I-I don’t know. Are you angels? Why am I not looking down on my body? Is it because Safeway gave me too much change and I didn’t say anything? But I watch Lifetime TV for women. That’s like extra credit for heaven.

CUT TO
MOM
, WHERE AN ANGRY
LINDA
WALKS INTO THE SHOT (WEARING PINK HOODIE) AND GRABS THE PHONE OUT OF
MOM
’S HAND.

LINDA
(V.O., CONT’D)

I did
not
say that. Mom has her facts all wrong. And it wasn’t a Diet Pepsi. It was a Diet Vanilla Coke!

CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR.

LAURIE

So Diet Vanilla Coke attacked
You? Not diet pepsi?

MOM
’S KITCHEN: CUT TO
LINDA
.

LINDA

Yes. And you should know that I never let go of the Diet Vanilla Coke. I held on to it the whole time.

CUT TO CLASSROOM: A HAND WITH MANICURED FINGERNAILS GRASPING A CAN OF DIET VANILLA COKE, FALLING FORWARD IN VERY SLOW MOTION.

CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR.

LAURIE

What do you mean? What happened to it? Did it land upright?

CUT TO CLASSROOM: THE CAN, STILL WITH THE HAND CLUTCHING IT (SLO-MO), COMES IN BRUTAL CONTACT WITH THE GRAY CARPET WITH AN ECHOING
THUD!
SODA SPLASHES UP AND OUT OF THE MOUTH HOLE, LIKE A TSUNAMI.

LINDA
(V.O.)

Well, not really. Most of it sprayed all over my students’ desks.

CLOSE-UP ON DESK SURFACE. DROPS OF HISSING BROWN RAIN FALL RELENTLESSLY.

SILENCE AS THE CRACKLING OF THE SODA DIES OUT.

PULL BACK FROM THE CAN, AS IT IS NOW TIPPED ON ITS SIDE, LEAKING LIKE AN OIL RIG, PULL BACK, PULL BACK, UNTIL A STRAND OF BLONDE HAIR COMES INTO FRAME, THEN MORE STRANDS, THEN A HEAD, AS THE POOL OF SODA OVERTAKES AND RUSHES THROUGH THE BLONDE HAIR. FIZZLING IS HEARD.

LINDA
(V.O., CONT’D)

But most of it soaked my hair. What is that clicking noise? Is that the phone? Do you think President Obama is listening to us?

CUT TO
LAURIE
, HOLDING HERSELF UP IN THE BATHROOM DOORWAY, LAUGHING SILENTLY WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE.

MOM
’S KITCHEN: CUT TO
LINDA
, LOOKING INTO THE PHONE WITH ANNOYANCE.

LINDA

(THROUGH PHONE)

Are you there?

CUT TO
LAURIE
, STILL PROPPED UP IN THE DOORWAY, STILL SILENT, NODDING, THEN WIPING AWAY A TEAR.

LAURIE

Uh-huh.

LINDA
(THROUGH PHONE)

Anyway, that wasn’t the worst part. Before the paramedics wheeled me out—

CUT TO
LAURIE
, RAISING HER HAND.

LAURIE

Wait, wait—you called 911?

LINDA
(THROUGH PHONE)

(HEAVY, DEEP SIGH)

Someone thought I hit my head on the way down.

CUT TO CLASSROOM:
LINDA
LOOKS LIKE A GULLIVER SMOOSHED INTO A TEENY-TINY DESK, HER HEAD BACK, WHILE A NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN FANS HER WITH AN
OPRAH
MAGAZINE. PRINCIPAL LOOKS ON.

NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

(PICKING UP A STRAND OFLINDA’S DRIPPING HAIR)

We should call someone. This isn’t blood but it could be plasma or brain water. She saw angels! Linda, did you see the Virgin Mary?

PRINCIPAL

No, no, no. This is a Lutheran school. No Virgin Mary talk. That could affect our funding.

CUT TO
MOM
’S KITCHEN:
LINDA
IS EATING A COOKIE.

LINDA

So the worst part was that when the paramedics were wheeling me out to go to the hospital so I could get an EKG, a brain scan, and blood work done, one of the paramedics—

BACK TO CLASSROOM:
LINDA
IS ON A STRETCHER. ALL COWORKERS ARE GATHERED AROUND. SHE IS HOLDING THE DIET VANILLA COKE CAN ON HER ABDOMEN. A PARAMEDIC STANDS NEXT TO HER WITH A CLIPBOARD.

PARAMEDIC

Weight?

LINDA

(WITH EYES CLOSED)

That’s okay, sir. I’m in no hurry to hear that I’m probably going to die today.

PARAMEDIC

No, I need your weight, ma’am. Your weight. (Pats his belly to emphasize)

ALL HEADS OF COWORKERS TURN TOWARD
LINDA
.

LINDA

Oh. My weight? Oh. Um. One hundred and, um . . . (Whispers something inaudible)

CLOSE-UP OF NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.

NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

(SHAKES HER HEAD, LOOKS AT PRINCIPAL, MOUTHS, WITH GREAT EXAGGERATION)

Lowball.

BACK TO
LAURIE
, STLL STANDING IN BATHROOM DOORWAY.

LAURIE

You told them? You told them how much you weighed?

BACK TO
MOM
’S KITCHEN.

LINDA

He asked me! I had to!

BACK TO
LAURIE
, NOW IN KITCHEN, OPENING PANTRY.

LAURIE

No you didn’t! You did not! They’re not the Gestapo! He didn’t know! Paramedics aren’t psychic weight guessers! You were lying down! That takes like forty pounds off right there! You should know these things!

LINDA

I couldn’t lie. I was in front of my principal.

LAURIE

Your principal saw you lose consciousness because you drank a hot Diet Pepsi too fast!

LINDA

Diet Vanilla Coke.

LAURIE

Well, believe me, the moment soda dripped on his shoes from your head, respect was long gone.

CUT TO
LINDA
.

LINDA

That is not true. He makes sure I have ice every day in my room now.

CUT TO
LAURIE
.

LAURIE

That’s not respect. That’s just cheaper than being sued by the parents of thirty kids who just watched their thirsty teacher black out after slamming a soda that she left in her car for too long.

LINDA

It was only out there until lunch.

LAURIE

So, how are you?

BACK TO
MOM
’S KITCHEN:
MOM
IS LEANING OVER
LINDA
’S SHOULDER.

MOM

(YELLING TOWARD THE PHONE)

Nothing was wrong. Can you believe it? A brain X-ray, nothing was wrong, they said. After all of that. The doctors were stumped. It’s a medical mystery.

BACK TO.

LAURIE

Really? No one detected any drama? Because I understand that Linda theater is now in its forty-second season.

BACK TO
MOM
’S KITCHEN.

MOM

No, no trauma. There was no trauma, was there, Lin?

LINDA

No. They would have kept me there until dinnertime, as it was, all I had that day was the Diet Vanilla Coke. I didn’t even get Jell-O.

MOM

They don’t feed medical mystery patients. It could upset the tests!

LAURIE

I can’t believe that there’s no test for Diet Pepsi attacks.

LINDA

Well, from now on, I’m sticking to iced tea.

LAURIE

I’d watch it if I were you. A reckless squeeze of a lemon and before you know it, everyone knows how much you weigh.

LOUD CLICK IS HEARD ON THE PHONE LINE.

LINDA

I heard that clicking noise again.

LAURIE

(WHISPERING)

It’s President Obama!

MOM

(VERY LOUDLY)

I didn’t vote for you! I only vote for mavericks!

LAURIE

He already knows that, Mom. He can hear you shouting through the TV.

MOM

I’m hanging up. I just wanted to let you know that your sister was okay.

LAURIE

Why, did something happen to Lisa?

LINDA

(VOICE FADING AWAY)

Mom, I was going to eat that cookie! No, we don’t have the same germs.

PHONE LINE GOES DEAD. A SUDDEN BOOM IS HEARD, LIKE SOMEONE HAS JUST FALLEN DOWN THE STAIRS.
LAURIE
RUNS INTO THE HALLWAY, WHERE HER HUSBAND IS SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR, APPARENTLY UNCONSCIOUS. ON HIS BELLY IS A CAN OF DIET PEPSI HE HOLDS IN ONE HAND; THE CIRCLE OF THE LOGO HAS BEEN MADE INTO A FACE, WITH THE EYES X’D OUT. ON HIS CHEST IS A NOTE WITH HIS HANDWRITING ON IT. IT SAYS, IN LARGE BLACK LETTERS, “NO ICE! CALL 911!”

AND SCENE.

I
wasn’t sure what to expect when I found myself hanging out in a hotel room with half a dozen girlfriends on a weekend getaway and all of a sudden one of my friends started disrobing.

We were all chatting away, catching up, when she announced that she had something to show everyone and started lifting up her blouse. Now, given that cocktails play a dominant role in this sort of weekend, I wasn’t about to rule out the possibility that my friend had not only already hit the sauce but punched it directly in the face. And no one else seemed particularly unnerved by the fact that one of us was taking off her shirt for no apparent reason, so I decided to play it cool, too.

There I was, playing it cool, as she showed her back to the
girls sitting on the bed, most of whom were smiling and saying things like “Amazing” and “Oh, wow.” So I was excited to see what she had hidden under her shirt—maybe it was a beautiful La Perla bra, or even a tick bite that radiated indications of Lyme disease. But when she turned around, there was no way to ever be prepared for what I saw, which was a flaming cupcake.

Now, on any other cupcake occasion, count me in. I’ll have frosting up my nostrils in seconds flat. But in this case, the flaming cupcake was enormous—big enough to reach across her entire back, from shoulder blades to waist, flames licking her spine: a gigantic tattoo, parts of which appeared still to be bleeding.