The Quiet Room
Grateful acknowledgment is given to reprint excerpts from the following songs: “Easy” (Lionel Richie) © 1977 Jobete Music Co., Inc./Libren Music.
Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
“Winchester Cathedral” (Graham Nash) © Nash Notes. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
“Song for Adam” (Jackson Browne) Reprinted by permission of Atlantic Music Corp./Open Window Music. All rights reserved.
“The Needle and the Damage Done” (Neil Young) © 1971 Broken Fiddle. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Warner Books Edition
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Visit our Web site at
www.HachetteBookGroup.com
First eBook Edition: January 1996
Warner Books and the “W” logo are trademarks of Time Warner Inc. or an affiliated company. Used under license by Hachette Book Group, which is not affiliated with Time Warner Inc.
ISBN: 978-0-446-54935-6
Book design by Giorgetta Bell McRee
Cover design by Rachel McClain
Cover photograph by Sally Boon
Contents
Author's Note and Acknowledgments
Part I: I Hear Something You Can't Hear
1: Lori Roscoe, New York, August 1976
2: Lori Scarsdale, New York, August 1970” Augyst 1977
3: Lori Tufts University, Medford, Massachusetts, September 1977–June 1981
4: Lori Winters New York City, July 1981–March 1982
5: Marvin Schiller Scarsdale, New York, March 1982–June 1982
6: Payne Whitney Clinic, New York City, June 1982
7: Steven Schiller Scarsdale, New York, July 1982
8: Nancy Schiller Payne Whitney Clinic, New York, August 1982–September 1982
9: New York Hospital, Westchester Division, White Plains, New York, September 1982–October 1982
10: Nancy Schiller New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, November 1982–April 1983
Part III: There’ Nothing Wrong with Me
11: Lori Scarsdale, New York, May 1983’August 1983
12: Lori Scarsdale, New York, September 1983–May 1984
13: Marvin Schiller Scarsdale, New York, June 1984-August 1984
14: Lori Scarsdale, New York, September 1984–March 1985
15: Lori Scarsdale, New York, April 1985—October 1985
16: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, November 1985—February 1986
17: Steven Schiller Baltimore, Maryland, January 1986-March 1986
18: Lori Futura House, White Plains, New York, April 1986-October 1986
19: Mark Schiller Chicago, November 1986
20: Lori Futura House, White Plains, New York, December 1986–April 1987
21: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, May 1987-June 1988
22: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, June 3, 1988-June 9, 1988
23: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, June 1988-December 1988
24: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, January 1989
25: New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, January 1989
26: Nancy Schiller Scarsdale, New York, February 1989
27: Lori New York Hospital, White Plains, New York, March 15, 1989-November 6, 1989
Epilogue: Lori Hartsdale, New York, 1994
PRAISE FOR LORI SCHILLER'S THE QUIET ROOM
“
F
ascinating … informative … Lori Schiller becomes a personable character in her own struggle to find a cure, and we as her audience cannot help but be drawn to her.”
—
West Coast Review of Books
“
A
stunning story of courage, persistence, and hope.”
—
Publishers Weekly
(starred review)
“
T
he book chronicles her battle with the illness and reveals a woman who, though desperately ill, showed tremendous courage.”
—
New York Times
“
H
arrowing—but ultimately triumphant … a fascinating and hard-fought perspective on a mind under siege.”
—
New Age Journal
“
T
his book will fascinate, frighten, and stir our compassion, regardless of personal experience… Written with honesty, courage, openness, and insight … important for all readers interested in the human condition in its many manifestations.”
—Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D., author of
Lisa & David
“
O
ne cannot put it down… A terrifying chronicle.”
—Kitty Carlisle Hart
“
F
rom the first page, Lori's story touches and holds you… One of the most readable books about the illness.”
—
Oakland Press
“
A
message of courage.”
—
Bethesda Gazette
“
A
dramatic and hopeful chronicle of the horrors of her disease and her escape from it.”
—
Harvard Magazine
“
M
akes frighteningly real the terror of schizophrenia.”
—
USA Today
“
T
he story is remarkable.”
—
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“
O
utstandingly written … gripping … a journey that is totally engrossing.”
—
Red Rock News
(AZ)
“
P
rovides a window into the lost world of those whose minds have betrayed them … contributes insight into the plight of those who inhabit a parallel universe.”
—
Gannett Suburban Newspapers
“
I
t's for everyone who wants to know what it's like to have schizophrenia. It's for everyone who can cheer for the parents who never missed a hospital visit, the mental health professionals who never stopped caring, and most of all, the bright and courageous woman who has the guts to tell her story in the hope that even one of the more than 2 million Americans suffering from schizophrenia will benefit.”
—
San Diego Union-Tribune
For my
Mom and Dad …
Who never gave up hope.
I thank you …
I admire you …
and I love you.
Author's Note and Acknowledgments
Although this is my life story, I have chosen to tell it not only in my own voice, but also in the voices of others whose lives are interwoven with mine.
The others who speak in this book, from my college roommate, Lori Winters, to my psychiatrist, Dr. Jane Doller, to my parents and two brothers, are among the many people besides me who were affected by my illness. In telling my story, I tried to do the best job I could to show what the experience of schizophrenia is like for the person who is in its grip; in letting the others tell their stories, I want to show what the experience is like for friends and family.
In many ways too these people serve as my memory. My illness and, I believe, some of the treatments I went through have wiped out big chunks of my recollections of some periods of my life. I have turned the telling of those periods over to people whose memories are clearer than mine.
As I get better, my ability to remember accurately and to distinguish fact from fantasy improves. In writing this book Amanda Bennett and I have done the best job we could to make sure that we rendered events as accurately as possible. All the people, places and events in this book are real, and are portrayed exactly as I recall them. With a few minor exceptions all names in the book are real too. Because of their deep involvement with cocaine, however, I have changed the names and other identifying details of Raymond and Nicole. I also changed the names and descriptions of Robin, Carla and Claire to protect their privacy as fellow psychiatric patients.
In the interests of accuracy, we tried to interview as many people involved with my life, my illness and my treatment as possible. We tried to take their perspectives into account in the telling of this book. Ultimately, however, the final viewpoint is mine.
The only place where my memory still conflicts in any substantial way with external evidence is in my recollections of the events at Lincoln Farm, in the early months of my illness. Chapter 1, therefore, was written from a combination of my best possible recollection of those events; records from Lincoln Farm; and the memories of several fellow camp counselors, my parents and friends of the family. We would like to thank fellow counselor Jackie Pashkes for her special help in enabling us to unearth camp records; Mrs. Beatrice Loren, owner of the former Lincoln Farm, for making them available to us; and Amy Potozkin, another fellow counselor who shared her memories.
A number of people helped us fill in my recollections of the years before my hospitalizations. These include: Lori Winters Samuels, Michele Crames, Dr. Richard Dolins, Janey and Louis Klein, Dr. Philip Moscowitz, Bonnie Smith, Barbara A. Kobre, Tara Sonenshine Friend and Bradford A. Winters. I would especially like to thank Gail Kobre Lazarus for her help and for her friendship, then and now.
Amanda and I would like to thank New York Hospital—Cornell Medical Center, Payne Whitney Clinic, and New York Hospital—Cornell Medical Center, Westchester Division, for making my medical records available to us. Those records helped me to pinpoint dates of events, medications and procedures. They also gave me insight into how other people perceived the events I was experiencing.
We would also like to thank Dr. Otto Kernberg, medical director of New York Hospital Cornell Medical Center, Westchester Division, for making his busy staff available to us for interviews.
Many people contributed their recollections either to this book or earlier during the reporting for the October 14, 1992,
Wall Street Journal
article that launched this project. For help in remembering the periods of my earliest hospitalization, I would like to thank Dr. Eugenia Kotsis. At New York Hospital, I would like to thank Jody Shachnow, Dr. Richard Munich, Dr. Michael Selzer, Dr. Kenneth Turkelson, Kay Dinoff, and Ronald Inskeep.
For memories of other periods in my life, I would like to thank Eddie Mae Barnes and Rochelle Forehand.
Many people read this book's manuscript and offered valuable suggestions. They include: Lisa Ames, Janet Bennett, Nancy Ehle, Deborah Gobble, Betsy Julien, Shelly Benerofe and Sidney Rittenberg. My kindest thanks go to Anne Schiff, who not only read my earliest manuscript versions, but also painstakingly transcribed them.
For technical assistance and professional help, Amanda and I would also like to thank Mark Berman; Dr. Frederick Goodwin, director of the National Institute of Mental Health; Dr. John Kane, chairman of the department of psychiatry at Long Island Jewish Medical Center; Dr. Carmela Perri; Dr. Daniel Weinberger of the National Institutes of Health; and Dr. Richard Weiner, associate professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center.
At
The Wall Street Journal
, we thank managing editor Paul Steiger and editors Jane Berentson, Roger Ricklefs and David Sanford.
Our thanks too to our agent, Michael Cohn, and to our wonderful editor, Jamie Raab.
I would like to offer my thanks to the doctors, nurses, social workers and friends who made my recovery possible: Janet Levkoff; Nancy, Carol and Glady; Penny and Michael Horgan, Phyllis Mossberg, Kathleen McDermott, Ron Kavanaugh, Andrew and Susan Sklarz; Nathaniel Goldberg; Maria Tivey; Myrt Armstrong; Julie Alkaitis Hall Houston; a special thank-you to Jacquie Aamodt for helping me out of the quicksand while I was sinking; Debbie, Jeannine, and Rosemary from Sandoz, Deanna at Futura House; Michael Rustin at the Mamaroneck unit of Search for Change and all of his staff; Beth Harris and Luba Spikula from New York Hospital Patient Education, who taught me how to give hope to others through teaching; the special members of the nursing staff at New York Hospital, including J.J., Gladys, Danny, Jean, Margo, Barbara, Cathy, Debbie, Rose, Peter, John, Glen, and especially Sorin Weiss, who kept on believing in me even when I didn't.
Dr. Diane Fischer will always have a very special place in my heart. She opened avenues that I didn't even know were around the corner. Her help in putting together this book—and my life— will always be appreciated.
And to Dr. Jane Doller, of course, my thanks to one of the most wonderful, dedicated, genuine, tuned-in and helpful psychiatrists I have ever worked with. You've taught me the meaning of partnership. Whatever we do, we do together.
I owe a special thanks to Dr. Lawrence Rockland, for the five years of dedication and the care and attention he gave me. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be alive today. We also owe Dr. Rockland an enormous debt for the hours of time he gave in the preparation of this book.
And we would like to thank our families. Our thanks to Amanda's husband Terence Bryan Foley and son Terence Bennett Foley for their patience and understanding.