The Secret Five and the Stunt Nun Legacy (38 page)

‘. . . but,’ butted Betty, ‘on second thoughts, I think we should skip that award and move on to Best Character for Use of Superlatives.’

The others frowned.

‘Don’t you think that would be sumptuously uplifting?’ Betty asked. ‘And wonderfully enormously exquisite?’

Under the table, Whatshisname sighed. He had become quite bored with the meeting. He stood up and padded over to the window. He put his front paws onto the windowsill and peered out, squinting as his fluffy pink collar reflected in the glass. He could see the typical village postman gingerly riding his squeaky bike towards the cottage.

He watched as the typical village postman leapt off his bike, took a letter from his bag, looked at the long long path that led to the front door, and then threw the letter over the gate into the compost heap. Without a thought for his own safety, Whatshisname trotted outside, ran down the path, past the kangaroo that was asleep on the lawn, and carefully picked up the letter in his mouth. He chewed and chewed the letter until it was mush, then swallowed it with a big gulp. He trotted onto the lawn and flopped down by the sleeping kangaroo. He wondered if this was Pavlov’s kangaroo. Maybe, maybe not. He still hadn’t made any inroads into the philosophical argument about whether animals think, and whether Dog exists. Ho hum. Honing of his personal philosophical system would have to wait. He sighed and closed his eyes. After
that
adventure, he knew that he deserved a peaceful nap. He’d just settle down and doze for a few sticks . . . zzzzzzzz.

Inside the cottage, Daniel was reverting to his strange habit of looking up and shaking his fist. ‘I’ve already warned you!’ he yelled. ‘Go away! Leave us alo

The Very End

Stupidity is the re-occurring theme of the novel. At what point in the novel did you realise this and did Amy have any influence on your will to carry on living?

While you were reading the novel, did you at any time want to accidentally drop it in a bucket of sulphuric acid? If so, why do you think that is?

Do you think that the characters’ fractious relationship with the author is purely down to the characters’ jealousy of his innate talent and charm? Or not?

When Whatshisname ponders on the question ‘do animals think?’, do you think that he really thinks that or is it that the author thinks that he doesn’t think but thinks that making him wonder if he thinks or not thinks actually makes the reader think a lot about whether animals think or don’t think? What do you think?

How did you feel when Ricky left the book in chapter eight – or was it nine – anyway, how did you feel? Apart from empathy and envy, that is.

Do you think that the predominance of irony as a device in the book, yeah right, is due to the incongruity between the reader’s expectations and the immensely powerful and complex characters, lol?

Did the fact that all the characters are anti-heroes and utter failures
have an influence on your decision to skip-read the book after page ten?

Food is an important motif in the book. Do you think that Ricky’s obsession with teashops is healthy? Or not? Or don’t you care that much?

What about Old Hag’s support for West Bromwich Albion? Do you think that it epitomises the frailty of the human condition and the futility of life itself, or the fact that she has always liked the centre-back’s tight shorts and sturdy thighs?

How did you cope with the lack of a phallic symbol in the book? Did it matter that the lack of an object that symbolises regenerative power, and that might have acted as an aid to interpretation of the psychological condition of the characters, caused you to occasionally hanker for the mention of a banana?

Should Daniel have taken to wearing spectacles halfway through the book? Or did you already think that he wore spectacles anyway? To satisfy all readers, should the narrative have been multi-choice from then on (e.g,
1
.
Daniel looked up and took off his spectacles. 2. Daniel looked up and didn’t take off his spectacles because he didn’t wear any).
Or should Daniel have been killed off in chapter one to avoid all this confusion about spectacles?

What kind of man is Uncle Quagmire? Do you think his moral compass was a bit wonky and always pointing south? Did he really have rumpy-pumpy with a stunt nun? If you think yes, did you yearn for a pull-out graphic sex scene complete with illustrations? If so, are the others in your reading group looking at you in a different way now? Serves you right, weirdo.

One reviewer said that the novel reminded him of Dickens’ early
works. Discuss what sort of illegal substances that reviewer may have taken before reading the book.

The kangaroo played a central role in the novel. Do you think that this animal is of metaphorical significance and symbolises abandonment, anxiety amongst immigrants, unfulfilled symbiosis, or hearty meals for an Australian family of four for a week?

Now you’ve reached the end, discuss what you’d really like to do with this book.

Want more? Crikey! Oh well, see:
www.thesecretfive.com

My thanks go to:

Those readers of the draft manuscripts who were inspirational in their feedback, in particular my ex-uni writing group, Twisted Scribblers, who had to suffer the monthly onslaught of chapters and worried constantly about my sanity.

My wife Elizabeth for her patience and support, and for suppressing the instinct to call in psychiatric help when she used to catch sight of the draft text.

George Long for his embodiment of Whatshisname in the initial artwork, and Mark Pettifer for his help in developing that artwork and other arty stuff.

The wonderful and patient people at Troubador Publishing.

And, of course, Enid Blyton and her contemporaries for providing me with the stories that enthralled and captivated me as a child.

The great Herbert George Wells, whose childhood in this narrative is mostly imagined.

Harold Pinter for his admirable ability to perplex and inspire.

The makers of The Sound of Music for . . . well, The Sound of Music, albeit without stunt nuns.

Wham! It’s heartwarming to think that Ricky and Amy were the inspiration for their lyrics and their name.

All the other ‘names’ in the book for (hopefully) being such good sports.

And, the host of philosophers throughout the ages for giving Whatshisname his sense of purpose.

¹
Other ranges of celebrity lacy underwear, usually worn by ladies and rarely by postmen, are also available.

¹
Other boy bands of supremely dubious talent are available.

¹
I am not too pleased at being called an elderly lady.

²
Anyway. [honest it is!]

³
can’t

⁴
Good gracious, my girl.

⁵
You must think I am not of sound mind, dear children.

⁶
You look like silly persons, you do

¹
do be quiet, there’s a good chap.

²
I’ve no idea what she said. Make it up.

¹
one down, four to go

¹
Pick one, it’s your choice.

²
I am jolly well not in a good mood.

¹
Animals were definitely harmed in the making of this book.

¹
Although it’s worth considering giving it a go.

²
See Appendix I : Twenty-First Century Cryogenic Theories Relating to the Anatomical Attitude in Modern Man.

¹
the one in Salzburg rather than the one in Bristol.

¹
See Appendix II: How We Laugh: The Behavioural, Cognitive and Emotional Processes Scientifically Explored.

¹
Other brands and colours of silk emulsion with immensely harebrained names are available
^.

¹
That’s the plan, anyway.

¹
It’s encouraging, as enthusiastic and reliable extras are hard to come by these days.

¹
Other out-of-control rodents are available.

¹
Other objects of worship are available.

²
Other divine prophets are also available.

³
Many other makes of highly unreliable British cars were available at the time.