The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (7 page)

BOOK: The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7)
Chapter Seven:
Icky vs. the Thing from Before Time

Solitude is both burden and blessing.

None on this Earth are as alone as I.

Tenfold is my suffering since
’The Transformation’.

I cannot bear the lack of decorum and brutish vulgarity that my younger brethren are cursed with. T’is better to haunt these lofty, wind-blown, caves and precipices in the companionship of my own lonely thoughts, than to debase my solemn dignity with the presence of those super-monster buffoons.

These barren cliffs are my only friends. My long and lonely existence has been difficult. None but I have the infinite wherewithal to suffer the flight  through the interminable void of time. This temporal odyssey is mine alone to soar. Though nowadays, the many years seem to have just flown past beneath my leather wings in the blink of an eye.

Hello, what’s this? A spark of light? Can it be? Yes! That pink glow can only mean that Royalty is once more on the island!

“Don’t be sad,”

“it’s time to be happy!”

“We’re here to see”

“our Big Daddy Pappy!”

“We are here with you”

“on top of the World!”

“Your favourite way to gogo,”

“IndiGoGo Girls!”

“Your Highnesses! I am honoured by your presence! Please do not tire yourselves in constant toe-tapping and madly gesticulating arm movements! Please rest, your Majesties!”

“Thank you, TuRuDan. Your great size is only surpassed by your exceptional grace, oh honoured, ’Ancient One’.”

“Oh, tut tut, your Highnesses, I know how much you girls exert yourselves to generat
the magical field around you.”

“Ah, it is pleasant to relax. Do you mind if we remove our magic white gogo boots while we have our conversation? Our tiny little feet are killing us.”

“Of course I do not mind, your Majesties. I beg you to please make yourselves comfortable.”

“Domo arigato, TuRuDan-San. Please TuRuDan, surely you are the wisest creature in all the world, may we call upon you to give us advice? Nowhere is there more wisdom than in your long, gently curving, sharply pointed skull, oh ’Ancient One’.”

“I am your humble servant, your Highnesses. How may I serve you?”

“The island’s magic is warning of terrible danger! Our Monstrous Island’s Fairy Dust says that horrible things lie ahead for us! The evil Doctor Lionelstein is poised for one more detonation of his super-monster making explosive device. This will lead to the end of the World! Using the Fairy Dust, we asked the Monstrous Island Great Spirit what we could do to help. We were told to go and seek out a champion. This champion would unite all the monsters of Monstrous Island to put aside their differences and save Planet Earth! We did all the correct magic spells! We did the proper dance steps! We sang the appropriate songs to lead us to the one that could save us, but they instead led us to an ’Ichabod Temperance’!”

“Ichsabod Temperansa-Kun, eh? You are right, he does not sound very formidable. What does he look like?”

“A befuddled sea-bass, caught in a search-light.”

“Hmm, perhaps he is a ferocious warrior, hmm?”

“As far as we can tell, he is about as fierce as a stand of soggy seaweed.”

“Perhaps he is of great intelligence, or wisdom?”

“Our information is that he has talent with the crude constructs of ’Man’, though, it is difficult to tell by looking at him. His companion, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, struck us as
being of a particularly keen intelligence, so we went ahead and kidnapped her, as well.”

   “Hmm, I see. You say the Fairy Dust picked this Temperansa, Ichsa-bod?”

“Hai, oh great and wise TuRuDan. Surely your millions of years of existence have given you the wisdom to see us through this coming trial. What shall we do, mighty TuRuDan?”

“We must trust in the Fairy Dust. Sometimes magic happens in mysterious ways,  . . .  ways that are often unforeseen.”

“Oh, yes, TuRuDan, you are right! We must believe in the magic! Oh! TuRuDan, what is the matter? You have just flinched, as if suddenly startled.”

“My super-monster hyper sensitized hearing has alerted me to trouble! Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro have engaged in battle! This is no time for those oafs to go to war! If those two kill each other, the Earth is doomed!”


Chapter Eight:
Icky vs. the Laws of Probability


Your hardshell finish is finished, TiTaupKamaro!

No way, dude, like, it’s totally
that is going down, Gumibara!

“They’re really gonna do it, Mr. Trevorgawa-San, sir, and Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! These two super-monsters are more interested in fighting each other than in beating Doctor Lionelstein!”

“Hai! You are correct, Ichsa-bod. Just as the fiery, flipper rockets’ thrust holds the immense monster tortoise aloft, my prediction is that this is but a prelude to demonstration of another dimension of this unbelievable creature’s power. Look at how the mighty TiTaupKamaro draws in a great breath of air, presumably to blast back at us in a huge fireball of infernal death. We are about to be roasted alive. Sayonara, my new friends, it looks like this is the end.”


“I say, not quite, my Asian amigo, for TiTaupKamaro‘s fiery breath did not quite make it to us, eh hem? The behemoth sized bloom of flame that TiTaupKamaro produced hangs suspended in air as the turtle himself, shoots away! The angry, high-octane outburst is actually propelling him away from us! As he is flying backwards, he does not appear to know where his destination or target may lie. Awkward jerks and frantic changes in direction are further evidence that the errant reptile lacks the enjoyment of controlling of his flightpath. The amphibiavian is unable to pilot himself as well as he might prefer, eh hem?”

Come back and fight this bear like a man, you big chicken, turtle! Hah! You missed me! Nice try at ramming into me but you can’t see where you’re flying! Hah! You missed me again! Where’d you get your pilot’s license, a box of Cracker Smacks? Hah! You missed again, Captain Reverse-alot! Try holding your breath to force the flames out the other end, Rear Admiral Rear-View! You should really try something new, Brigadier Backup...

“Miss Plumtartt! TiTaupKamaro backed into Gumibara at full tilt! All of his turtle thrusters was a thrustering for all they was worth, and now the two are rolling across the landscape in a tumbling tangle of tormented, tussling, tonnage!”

“Hai! The tremendous keijo are a destructive, bouncing ball, smashing the jungles of Monstrous Island to squashed coconut matting.”

I have you now, TiTaupKamaro, for though you did ram into me with tremendous velocity, I can now stick to you with unsurpassed, super-adhesive stickiness! Ha, ha!

Curse you Gumibara! Get your filthy paws off of me! Your sticky touch makes my shell crawl!
You jerk! You extinguished my rocket jets on purpose! That is like, so unfair, brah!”

“Admit it, TiTaupKamaro! Say that I am the greatest super-monster of all time! Say it or I will never let you go!”


“I say, Mr. Temperance, the monsters are at a stand-off. Look there, Jubei, Gumibara has managed to extinguish TiTaupKamaro’s rocket jets by smothering them in his gooey clutches. The bear is refusing to allow the tortoise to regain his feet, and is determined to keep his adversary on his self-entrapping back. Yes, quite, in fact...Oh! Oh my, did anyone else notice a large shadow move swiftly over the combatants?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am I saw it too! A big ol’ shadow rushed past, as if a
big bird just flew over. That couldn’t be, though. It was too big to be a bird, but it was too fast to be a cloud.”

“Hai, there it goes again! I think there is a large, air-bourne creature that is deliberately attempting to gain the attention of the keijo!”

“Hunh! What was that? Did you see that, Gumibara? A big shadow just went over us!”

“Don’t be ridiculous! You are just trying to scare me, TiTaupKamaro! I’m not falling for that old trick. You are trying to fool me into thinking
’The Ancient One’
, is here!”

“Hey there, Mr. Gumibara-San, but we three independent witnesses can verify that something very big is swooping around way up high above us. The birdie is wise to us I think, because he is staying in line with the Sun so that we cannot get a good look at him. Is it dangerous?”

“Oh, Ichabod, I am so sorry! I have told a fib! I am not the greatest super-monster on the island!
’The Ancient One’
is a terrible and fearsome beast, capable of destroying us all! He would not let himself be known without good reason! He is here and I think he is mad!”

“Stupid Gumibara! Look at what you have done! You have awoken and angered the great, inimitable,

“Gentlemen, there it is! A massive bird of prey circles above.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, that there birdie is bigger than any Christmas goose! It’s bigger than those Valentine Island Albatrosses and bigger than a Chilean Andes King Condor, too.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, one might even say that the bird is greater than the famous Belgian aviary of Brussels. By Jove, it’s the largest bird I have ever seen or heard of! I am now able to register a relative amount of scale. I put our ornithological wonder’s incredible wingspan at a little over two hundred feet. Do you concur with my rough estimation of the creature’s size, Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, only I am going to say that the wingspan of that buzzard might be closer to three hundred feet. I’ll say this, though, it does have one feature that it shares with that Christmas goose. It’s just as featherless.”

“Hai, and does your festive holiday meal bird have that distinctive, backwards extending point to its head, Mr. Temperansa-San?”

“Nossir, Mr. Trevorgawa-San, it sure don’t. I can’t honestly say that it shares that same pointy beak, neither. Yeppers, that big ol’ birdie up there has the most unfortunately shaped skull I ever did see. It’s long, thin, slightly concave, and very pointy on either end. Almost universally, birds have solid black eyes of cold, unrelenting brutality. To see those enormous obsidian spheres contemplating me with hungry intent sends an icy talon of fear to clutch my heart in a nameless sense of dread, y’all.”

“Our ornithologic object of observation is otherwise almost all wing, it would seem, yes? These wings, I could remark, are most bat-like to be sure. They have a distinct, leathery appearance, would you not agree, Jubei, eh hem?”

“Hai, Persephone, the monster has a strange, reptilian look to it. I could almost call it a flying lizard.”

“Quite so, Mr. Trevorgawa, that’s it! This creature is from a time long before the history recording effort of Man. The young people these days enjoy referring to this period as ‘prehistoric’. This creature became extinct, many millions of years ago. This is a living example of a ‘Thunder-Lizard’.”

“Thunder-Lizard,’ Miss Plumtartt? Oh, you mean a dinosaur! You’re right, Ma’am! At one time, thousands and thousands of these magnificent creatures once ruled the skies over this planet. It’s like a real life flying dragon, ain’t it? What’s it called? No, wait, don’t tell me. A ‘Terrortextile’? No, that ain’t it. A ‘Terrier-rat-smile’? No? Oh, I know, it’s a ‘Trim-itin-backstyle’!”

“A ‘Pterodactyl’, Mr. Temperance.”


“No, Mr. Temperance, the ‘P’ is silent.”

“Then why is it there?”

“The world may never know. Be that as it may, t
his flying predator is many times larger than any known example of the prehistoric paradox. What an unusual find on this mysterious island.”

“Hai, Persephone. The beast is circling its way closer to us.”

Stop this ridiculous display, Gumibara and TiTaupKamaro! This tawdry me’lee is unbecoming for beings such as we.”

“Unh! It’s not my fault, oh great and venerated inestimable one! That fat and foolish turtle TiTaupKamaro started it!”

“Who are you to call
fat, Tubby!? No, TuRuDan, it was Gumibara that started this fight! I was just minding my own business when he came around starting trouble.”

“I am trying to save this island from evil invaders you stupid super-monster!”

“Gumibara, I command you to release TiTaupKamaro from your ever-tenacious grip. I have come to call you two to action! The evil invader of our island, Doctor Lionelstein, has carried his experiments too far. The time has come to put an end to his wrongful deeds.”

“Oh mighty TuRuDan, we have all tried in the past to drive this pseudo monster from our beloved isle, but his weaponry has proven too strong, even for our incredible prowess.”

“We have all tried individually, true, but never in a united front. We also have the additional forces of these three humans that are with Gumibara. Tell me, puny humans, can you be of any help in this quest to drive a foul spirit from our beloved island?”

“Hai, oh mighty TuRuDan! My name is Jubei Trevorgawa. This is Ichsa-bod Temperansa and Miss Persephone Plumtartt. Surely we are here to help free this island, but there is another concern! My own lovely Rhianico is held prisoner in that horrid place of Doctor Lionelstein! I must make every effort to save her!”

“No doubt that fiend Lionelstein has some nefarious plot in mind for your sweetheart.”

“I say, how very nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. TuRuDan, my colleagues and I do indeed wish to offer our every assistance in this worthwhile quest. I think we may be of more help if we had just a tad more background on yourself and your incredible Monstrous Island companions.”

“Of course, Persephone. Please understand that some of my tale is only conjecture. I was born on this island. A pair of magic princesses raised me from a tiny dinosaur. They said that the egg I was hatched from had been brought here by mystic shamans for safe keeping. I was the last of my kind. The magic aura surrounding this island has kept me alive over the ages. Eight years ago, I was affected by the passing of the Revelatory Comet. So too were an island Koala and a sea turtle. Our elevated intelligence was the bond of our friendship. One day, a dark ship found our hidden isle. An evil scientist, Doctor Autwell Lionelstein and his assistant, Laurie Petier, have a diabolical method of tapping into this island’s natural magical resources! My friends and I tried to reason with him, but with his horribly advanced machines, weaponry, and cunning treachery, he was able to take us prisoner. He has irrational schemes of ruling the World! He wants to build an army of super-monsters to do his bidding. To further this goal, he has built a bomb of unimaginable potency. The detonation of this explosive has a strange effect, in that it releases a heavy wave of hyper-active atomic particles radiating in a dangerous curtain. The evil Professor Lionelstein subjugated each of us to his will before one by one, exposing us to his terrible
’Excoriation Process’
. Before you stands the result of those trials. Magnificent Gumibara, standing eighty feet tall and weighing in at a very respectable fifty tons, his slow Koala movements are now as fast as a normal person! His super tacky adhesiveness is inescapable!”

“Then we have the amazing TiTaupKamaro. He is grown to over fifty feet across his wide shell! Nozzles to project his methane gas membranes’ compressed holdings exit his four feet, and when ignited, grant him the ability of high-speed flight! Even if it is a trifle erratic and always backwards.”

“Oh, but TuRuDan, you did not elaborate on your own stunning transformation! You were already a magnificent beast, but the excoriation process expanded your generous size to truly gigantic proportions!  Your wingspan is almost a hundred yards in length! You fly with fantastic speed and grace, and your long beak strikes fear in anyone that sees it, but nothing can stand before the supersonic aural assault of your super-screetch!

“Y’all sure are an impressive array of super-monsters! How in the world is that bad Doctor Lionelstein able to keep you at bay, Mr. TuRuDan, sir?”

“Initially, it was a psychological hold on us, but in time, we developed our egos to outstrip his mind control. He has mechanical parts grafted to his human body that grant him super-human capabilities! He has an army of clockwork automatons that have built his fortress and operate his armaments.”

“The fortress that I, the Magnificent GumiBara, I mean, we, assaulted this morning was far larger and more formidable than I had been expecting! It is covered over by heavy armaments of inexplicable design. Some of the weapons are controlled by his inhuman army, but others, in some strange manner, he, Doctor Lionelstein is able to manipulate himself via inexplicable mechanical inter-workings.”

“Hai, the labours of his automatons never cease in their construction of that mighty fortress. Higher and higher, layer after layer, battlement upon battlement, this diabolical doctor has secured himself in a laboratory of supreme isolation. On the inland wall, the only access is an iron gate, reached by a narrow precipice. A Komodo Dragon infested moat separates this peninsula from the rest of the island. Several miles past this barrier on the jungle and tumbled boulder strewn peninsula is where Doctor Lionel conducts his experiments.”

“Miss Plumtartt and I were brought here because the manifestation of this island’s magical force appeared to us in the form of the tiny IndiGoGo Girls. Their magic fairy dust indicated that I and Miss Plumtartt were the right folks to bring along to make things right. I’ve got a hunch that Doctor Lionelstein is planning on another
’Excoriation Process’
detonation experiment and that it is our job to thwart him. Mr. Trevorgawa has even more incentive than any of us! His one true love has the bad luck of being Doctor Lionelstein’s younger, adopted sister! He forces her to be his slave! This handsome, noble, and courageous young super-samurai secret agent wants to get in there and put a stop to things more than anybody!”

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