The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (2 page)

M
ost Americans who choose to pursue a job within the government or in the banking industry decide to commit their working hours to one of these enterprises for a very simple reason. Over the years, the vast majority of companies across the country have recklessly and deliberately phased out perhaps the most sacred of all our holidays, the celebration of Christopher Columbus's discovery of the New World. What should be a statutory day of excessive exuberance that ends in public drunkenness is now ignored by nearly all private employers.
THIS GAP IN THE OCTOBER PARTY SCHEDULE HAS PROVEN TO BE UNACCEPTABLE TO MANY, RESULTING IN SCORES OF JOB SEEKERS INTENTIONALLY LIMITING THEIR AVAILABLE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES TO BANKS AND GOVERNMENT TO KEEP THIS TREASURED HOLIDAY ON THEIR CALENDAR.

A sailor of above average talents, Christopher Columbus was born in the trendy Italian seaport of Genoa. He was the son of a wool merchant and wool weaver. Despite the glamour involved in the wool industry, he had dreams that only a vast ocean and a boat full of men could live up to.

Columbus dreamed of proving to those still in doubt that the world was in fact round by sailing confidently due west to reach the Spice Lands recognized as valuable trading outposts for European monarchs. For Columbus, the problem with proving the doubters wrong was that the trickle-down from a wool merchant was embarrassingly small, leaving him with very little start-up capital of his own. Discouraged but not beaten, Columbus began to solicit venture capital from government-backed programs.

The Portuguese quickly rejected his application, believing that Columbus's assumptions concerning the circumference of the Earth were unrealistic and shortsighted. But like all good sons of wool weavers, Columbus did not allow this initial rejection to defeat him. Instead, he dusted off his best suit and threw on his favorite playboy bunny tie and traveled to Spain, to spin his yarn about the world to King Ferdinand V and Queen Isabella.

ALTHOUGH HE WAS INITIALLY REJECTED AGAIN, HIS ANNOYING PERSISTENCE FINALLY PAID OFF WHEN THE SPANISH ROYALS GAVE HIM THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO BATHTUBS AND A ROWBOAT, WHICH WERE PROMPTLY NAMED THE
SANTA MARIA
, THE
NINA
, AND THE
PINTA.
With his nearly seaworthy fleet in hand, Columbus and ninety somewhat reluctant men set sail to the west in April 1492.

After drifting west for more than a month, everyone on the subpar vessels started wondering whether Columbus was in need of a code red, Portuguese style. The crappy food, smelly shipmates, and lack of knowledge with respect to their whereabouts had lost its intrigue weeks ago. Sensing a thorough beating on the horizon, Columbus guessed southwest, and in the early morning of October 12, land was sighted. As they landed on an island in the Bahamas, the natives were caught off guard. Surprised to have visitors this late in the tourist season, the locals offered to braid the sailors' hair and sell them cheap rum. Instead of thanking them for their hospitality, the always polite white visitors offered to enslave them.

After much consideration and debate, Columbus named the island San Salvador, and over the next few weeks he landed at what are now known as Cuba, the Dominican Republic, and Haiti. Columbus, always the eternal optimist, believed he had proven that the world was in fact round.

Over the years, private businesses have hired scores of lobbyists to discredit Columbus's recognition for discovering the New World in an effort to justify their unwillingness to allow their employees to participate in Columbus Day shenanigans. Frequent mailers and radio ads point to Leif Erickson exploring the North American coastline over 500 years earlier. Regardless of the facts, many people still feel that the month of October deserves a party, and they feel comfortable using Christopher Columbus as the reason for it.

L
ong before poor and desperate Mexican parents began smuggling their pregnant daughters into the United States in an attempt to secure American citizenship for all of their underachieving family members, John White, an English-born artist, was writing the “illegal alien to full citizen in three easy steps!” playbook. Receiving the blessing of Queen Elizabeth I, White brought his pregnant daughter Eleanor to the New World. White was ecstatic to learn that his daughter got knocked-up by a hometown bricklayer named Ananias Dare. He reasoned that if Eleanor's bundle of joy was born on what would soon become U.S. soil, with the lack of immigration regulations in the New World,
IT WOULD BE EASY FOR HIS FREE-SPIRITED FAMILY TO LAND AMERICAN GREEN CARDS AND GIVE THEM A DISNEY FAST PASS TO CITIZENSHIP.

Once the “Settlers Wanted” poster went up in the town square, White put his pregnant daughter and son-in-law's names at the top of the list. Leaning on his favorable relationship with the queen, White managed to be appointed governor of the new settlement.

White was aware that there had been an earlier attempt to establish a British colony in the area in 1585, however, it failed when the fifteen settlers pleaded with a ship returning to England to give them passage back to the comforts of their own country. Many British historians argue that these original settlers must have been French, not English, because of how quickly and easily they surrendered.

In July 1587, the 117 handpicked men, woman, and children stormed the shores of Roanoke Island. Celebrating their safe arrival in the New World, the settlers gave the Indians their first taste of British hooliganism, yelling “Real Madrid sucks” while running half naked along the shores of Roanoke Island and setting random fires. The Native Americans were left questioning how long they really wanted this group of strangers to remain their neighbors on what was once a peaceful sliver of paradise.

Benefiting from his position as governor, White convinced his rowdy group of settlers that it would be in the best interest of the colony if he returned to England to acquire more supplies. With the blessing of the settlers, White boarded his ship and headed back to England promising to return in three months loaded with everything a struggling settler could ever want.

Unfortunately for the settlers left behind, the Spanish and English governments decided to play a game centered around who could kill more men in uniform and citizens from the other team. As the road team, the Spanish were forced to make the long journey to England.
DESPITE BEING LISTED AS HEAVY FAVORITES BY BOTH LAS VEGAS AND OFF SHORE CASINOS, THE SPANISH WERE DEFEATED TWO YEARS LATER.
With the fun and games over, White headed back to those he wished to govern again.

Arriving back in Roanoke nearly three years after he left, White expected to see the colony flourishing. Unfortunately, when he arrived he found no soccer pitches, no newspaper tabloids, and more importantly no one who spoke with an accent similar to his. In fact, the only signs that life had ever existed in the area were a couple of government-subsidized huts that were falling apart, as government housing often does, and the word CROATOAN carved into a large tree.

The search for the missing settlers has been ongoing for the last 400 years. Although most people involved in the search and rescue operation believe it is unlikely any of the original settlers will be found alive, they continue to look, hoping to provide answers for the families of the missing. Over the years, there have been many theories as to what happened to the settlers, including death by Ethiopian-like starvation, death by hurricane, and death by Indian. Perhaps the most probable scenario was that they were enticed farther into the mainland by the possibility of hot and spicy Anglo/Indian love. With the colony gone and his daughter and citizenship-ticket granddaughter missing, White abandoned his earlier green card seeking behavior and chose against becoming an undocumented alien and returned to England, never realizing his dream of American citizenship.