The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (4 page)

Controversy, Controversy, Controversy

N
othing drives the American shopping psyche more than the words “clearance sale,” “fire sale,” “going out of business sale,” and the vulture-like “I'm sorry for your loss, how much for the dining room furniture?” estate sale.
THE RECORD BOOKS ARE LITTERED WITH GREAT DEALS; HOWEVER, THE ALL-TIME GREATEST BARGAIN IN U.S. HISTORY TOOK PLACE IN 1626.
The transaction in question involved the savvy Peter Minuit, a Dutch explorer. Minuit represented the Dutch West India Company and was charged with the nonviolent acquisition of the land in question. He entered into negotiations with the Canarsee Indian tribe, believing they were the rightful owners of the land. Unbeknownst to Minuit, Brooklyn's Canarsees had only
posed
as the rightful owners of the land, situated on modern-day Manhattan. Whether they held a grudge or were just creative, they cleverly sold the land from under the feet of the Wappani Indians. Minuit was so attracted by the bright lights and adult video stores of Time Square that he entered into negotiations with the Canarsees not really caring who the land actually belonged to.

Unlike his negotiating counterparts, whose authority to enter into a sales transaction for the land was suspect at best, Minuit acted with the full authority of the Dutch West India Company. Minuit was asked to secure a section of land from the locals that was suitable for settlement. Through Minuit's artful and peaceful negotiations, he acquired the twelve-mile island now known as the world's financial epicenter. The purchase price for this global business cradle was 60 Dutch guilders, the equivalent of about $24, or the cost of a hand job performed by an undocumented alien or a half-decent vibrator.

Shortly after getting his feet wet with his Manhattan deal, Minuit led a group of men in acquiring what would become Staten Island. The deal-making Dutchman developed a reputation for sweetening the deal with beads, tools, firewater and the always-popular peyote.

Capitalizing on his notoriety for making the big deal, Minuit was preparing to launch a series of how to make millions in real estate infomercials when the boat he was on encountered a powerful Atlantic Hurricane killing the Dutchman and his crew.
AS THE BOAT WENT DOWN, MINUIT WAS HEARD SAYING “PRINCESS CHRISTINA DON'T CARE ABOUT BLONDE PEOPLE.”
With his legacy intact, Minuit will always be remembered as the man who bought Manhattan for the price of a hand job.

T
ired of the religious intolerance that was practiced in dreary England, William Penn fled the land of royalty worshippers and pompous accents in search of a place with scores of tanned bodies and religious freedom.

Capitalizing on the growing demand for left-wing ideology, Penn used his father's circle of influence to orchestrate a land coup of what is now Pennsylvania and Delaware. Using the principles practiced in the Society of Friends religion, otherwise known as the Quakers, this area became known for its religious tolerance of anyone, regardless of whether they peed standing up or had a cup size of A through the gifted Pamela Anderson surgically enhanced model.

In England the Society of Friends was founded by an up-and-coming televangelist named George Fox.
FOX WAS POPULAR WITH HIS FOLLOWERS EVEN THOUGH HE LACKED THE ABILITY TO HEAL THE CRIPPLED AND THE BLIND WITH HIS OWN GODLY HANDS LIKE AMERICA'S MILLIONAIRE TV PREACHER BENNY HINN.
In an effort to keep the operating costs of the start-up religion in check, Fox told his followers that God was found within each and every one of them, not the holy book. In addition to eliminating the need for Bibles, Fox also eliminated the need for churches. This savings in construction and building-maintenance costs allowed the Society of Friends religion to see earlier profitably and allowed them to quickly franchise into Pennsylvania with the help of Penn.

Once word of Penn's great experiment of religious tolerance, acceptance, and freedom hit the streets, thousands of non-Puritan, God-fearing, and sometimes Mohammed-loving fanatics uprooted their families and moved them to Pennsylvania, where they could openly express their religious freedom. Everyone from snake handlers to electricity-hating Mennonites began to practice their religion under the safety of Penn's umbrella of acceptance.

With love, peace, and happiness in ample supply, Penn extended his influence by setting up a democratic-style government that was designed to be hands-off. Quakers are known for their quirky ways of plain dress and rejection of material luxury. Simple, loose clothing is the trend that never ends.
THEY CALL IT THEIR “TESTIMONY OF SIMPLICITY” WHILE THE REST OF AMERICA CALLS IT HELL.
In the end, if you are going to accept all people into a sexually repressed religious society, you will need some way to camouflage those who show up with Pamela Anderson sized tatas.