The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (5 page)

All information from this point forward was conjured up with a Ouija board and chants of “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” We were sitting in a dark room with lit candles, and as the scent of “ocean boardwalk” collided with “summer linen,” a power from another world instructed us to write about the Salem Witch trials. Spooky, no?

Massachusetts has a lot to brag about when it comes to finding witches and people who don't root for the Red Sox.
BETWEEN THE YEARS 1692 AND 1693, MORE THAN 150 PEOPLE WERE ARRESTED IN THE NEW ENGLAND AREA FOR PRACTICING WITCHCRAFT AND POSSIBLY BEING YANKEE FANS.
The initial outbreak was in 1692 when a group of young girls called the “Circle Girls” got together to discuss icky boys and Pilgrim fashion trends.

One of the “Witchy” games they played was to crack an egg into a glass of water and see what shape it formed. One night, Ann Putnam, who was twelve, saw the shape of Hugh Heffner. Soon afterward Ann, Betty, Paris, and Abigail began acting like something out of
The Exorcist
. Today this would be recognized as behavior typical of preteens who didn't get an iPhone for their birthday. When their behavior caught the attention of the local Puritans, Ann was asked to name those who tormented her. She accused Martha Corey, a church member who wore her girdle tight and kept her morals even tighter. Despite there being no evidence of Martha's tormenting skills, she was successfully hanged. The people of the community began to freak out; irrational thinking spread everywhere, with concerns that any one of them could be a witch. As people were arrested, the execution orders were swiftly handed down. Those convicted of witchcraft charges were most often hanged, but sometimes burned at the stake to keep things fresh and interesting.

The Puritans were boring and most certainly a little repressed. The Puritans believed that kissing with tongue involved witchcraft, meaning that any mouth to P action was punishable by, well, the same as witchcraft, only more public and painful in order to serve as a deterrent. Even music was considered evil, and funk music made the town elders explode.
THINK FOOTLOOSE, MINUS THE COLONIAL KEVIN BACON TO SHOW THESE PEOPLE THE WAY.
It was against the law not to attend church, and men and women sat separately so as not to distract each other, which happened often when the women wore their shoelace-high skirts.

As for the accusing-natured Ann, the accusations just kept rolling in. She ended up pointing the finger at sixty-two different people in all. Her parents, ever the pious Puritans, enjoyed the executions so much they got into the accusation game also. With so many people being sentenced to death, area residents could often be heard playing the “if given a choice, will you choose, boiling, hanging, burning, or quartering” game.
YEARS LATER, ANN CAME CLEAN AND TOLD
TMZ.COM
THAT MANY OF HER ACCUSATIONS WERE FALSE.

Remember the first time you watched porn? You were wondering why the short troll-like gentlemen got to “act” with the gorgeous blonde with the perfect larries. Then he got de-pantsed, and not only was the dude huge, he could also outlast you and three of your friends. The brilliant script had brought together a strange combination. If bagging a chick like that seems off the radar for most, an alliance between fiercely capable Indian warriors and a French military more interested in sharing a glass of Merlot than scalping their next victim was even stranger. It is this combination during the French and Indian War that tops the list of most unusual wartime playmates.

Taking place on American soil from 1754 until 1763, the French and Indian War is a war known by many names. This enjoyable nine-year confrontation is also known as the Seven Years War in honor of the length of time from the official declaration of the war in 1756 to the treaty signing in 1763. In the land of impressionist painters, the French call it “Guerre de Sept Ans” which also translates to “seven years war,” but when it is said in French it sounds like an effeminate growl.

Unlike many of the more popular wars of today, this conflict was about land and not religion.
REALIZING THAT THE UNITED STATES WAS AN IDEAL LOCATION TO EXPAND CABARET DANCING, THE FRENCH SENT THEIR SOLDIERS SOUTH DOWN THE OHIO RIVER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF MODERN-DAY PITTSBURGH.
They teamed up with the Indians against the British, promising silk scarves for everyone upon victory.

The fighting was fierce, as French soldiers nibbled exotic cheeses like gay mice and shooed the British out of the area. The French enjoyed important victories at Fort Oswego, Fort William Henry, Fort Duquesne, and Carillon. But, as quickly as a high school male getting laid for the first time can achieve liftoff, the tide turned and the British were celebrating their war effort with warm beer and fish and chips.

With the spirit of the French broken and the Indians wondering what could have been, the war officially ended on February 10, 1763, with the signing of the Treaty of Paris. This treaty stripped the French of all of their North American territory east of the Mississippi except for a couple of small islands off the coast of Newfoundland. In exchange, the French regained control of the Caribbean Islands of Guadeloupe and Martinique, which were being controlled by the British at the time. The Spanish found a way to get their hands on Louisiana for their loss of the sunshine state of Florida to the British.
AND TO THE VICTOR WENT THE SPOILS, WITH THE BRITISH RECEIVING ALL OF CANADA AND THE UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT CAME WITH IT.