The Soul of the Matter (9 page)

“Guess I really should've found out what you wanted before I said yes.”

“You would've done it anyway.”

“Probably. Why are you trusting me with all of this?” Dan said, amazed by Stephen's claims. Could they possibly be true?

“Because you're very good at what you do, and I have complete faith that no matter how angry or anything else you become, you will never let me or my family down,” Stephen said, while thinking
And because I really need help and have nowhere else to turn
.

“Are you sure you're not already compromised?”

Stephen turned solemn and pensive, looked away, cleared his throat, and said, “There's nothing for anyone to find. We don't use HBC computers since Alex died. Most of my team's security is sneaker-net, stand-alone, air-gapped computers and local encryption. We should be fine. Still, if you can, I'd like you to see if my computer activity is being tracked or anything's been hacked.”

“You know, if you are being observed, wouldn't people already know you've reached out to me? After all, you used an email to get me here tonight,” Dan asked.

“I don't think everything I do is being tracked. Nonetheless, I brought you here as an old friend. That won't look strange. It will make sense for you to visit Ava in the hospital and come to the Cape. All of our activities upstairs were in the open. Down here, we're secure. I apologize for asking all of this of you, but I really don't have any better options. And you really are good at your work.”

“Don't worry about it. And you needn't flatter me,” Dan said, then spoke at length about how he would set up the secure computers and networks. Most of what he needed was already in place and he'd be able to show it to Stephen at the Cape.

After Dan was done describing it, he asked, “I love the Cape, so I don't need an excuse to go there. But why do you want me to go with you tomorrow?”

“There are some files at the Marine Biological Laboratory I need your help with and they aren't accessible remotely. It won't take long.”

“Good, because I'd rather spend my time on many other things whenever I'm there.”

“There will be plenty of time for that,” Stephen said, then stood up and walked toward the door. “As for now, how about a game of pool? I can probably beat you these days.”

“Don't count on it. But first, another beer. That will be the price of your futile attempt.”

“Another is well worth the pleasure of teaching you the first of many important lessons, humility. Just to let you know, while you were always better at the angles, I can handle rebounds better and shoot straighter.”

“Very funny, and dead wrong, especially from someone who's at risk from his own hubris,” Dan said. “Near as I can tell, you've been playing every possible angle recently. But then again, aren't politics and angles challenging in the supposedly objective world of academic science? Anyway, it's time to put up or shut up.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

Stephen walked upstairs to get the beers while Dan racked the balls. As they started the game, “Question” by the Moody Blues played in the background. Dan hummed along with the words,
Why do we never get an answer, when we're knocking at the door?

After the words
a thousand million questions
, Stephen said, “Be careful what you ask for. We have a long way to go, and what we find could change how you think about the world.”

“Trust me. I could use a break from the way I've been feeling,” Dan said. If what Stephen had told him was true, there really might be some answers out there to the things that had been bothering him. Whether Dan would like the answers would be another thing. But just the thought that they could exist was already changing his mood.

The song continued:
To learn as we grow old, the secrets of our soul.

After they played a couple of overly competitive games that they split, they returned to the study and talked some more.

Finally, just as Dan was getting up to leave, Stephen went over to the piano and started playing Springsteen's “Thunder Road.” Dan came over and they sang together in low voices, not quite in harmony and barely on pitch. When they had finished, Stephen looked up and said, “It might have been twenty-five years since we've done that.”

“Our voices haven't improved, and they weren't great to begin with.”

“Thanks a lot. Now get out of here before one of us changes our mind about tomorrow. We've got a lot to do.”

Dan handed his car keys to Stephen and said, “It'll be nice to see Ava and spend time at the Cape.”

“Good night,” Stephen said.

Walking outside, Dan got into the backseat of the waiting car. As it drove off, he was energized. He felt his blood pulse through his body. A veil was lifting. Everything looked so colorful, even in the dark. The night was fragrant and full of sound. His buoyed spirit, however, was tempered by the knowledge of Ava's past illness and Stephen's concerns. As long as there was any possibility of helping Ava or finding answers to the questions he now knew he needed to consider, Dan would do everything he possibly could to help.

Chapter 21

D
AY 2

S
ATURDAY, 9:40 A.M.

D
an hated hospitals. They reminded him of mortality, illness, and dissolution. Though it was justifiably recognized as an outstanding medical center, Boston Children's Hospital could often do nothing but provide temporary relief or a slight extension of life for a child. That was just the nature of things. One more indication of the pointlessness of life. Not good. Not evil. It just was, though that provided no meaningful answers and certainly no solace.

Yet, for many, it was unquestionably a place of hope. That was what was on Dan's mind when he had woken this morning. Though he had slept much better than he had in a long time, the old doubts were nagging him again. Still, the possibility for hope, and the desire to see Ava, helped him focus outside of himself today and provided an energy he hadn't felt in a long time.

Now he was waiting in the hospital lobby to meet Stephen and Ava. Stephen had arrived earlier, in Dan's car, and was now with Ava. Nancy had gone home to get some rest. Dan and Stephen would drop Ava off with her mother and then head down to the Cape. Nancy and Ava would follow shortly thereafter.

Dan was early, since it had taken less time than he thought to walk the two miles to the hospital, despite the fact that he carried a large gym bag filled with his weekend clothes.

At 10 a.m. Stephen strode into the lobby. He looked at Dan's gym
bag and said, “I'm happy to see that you're still game. Wasn't sure what you'd be thinking after you had time to sleep on things.”

“Can't say that I didn't have second thoughts . . . then thirds . . . then fourths. Luckily for you, I couldn't find a way to back out and still see Ava. And there's the little matter of getting my car back. Pretty clever of you.” He smiled at his old friend. “So, how is Ava?”

“She's great. Handled the tests wonderfully. Although we don't have all the results, everything looks really good. Let's go and get her out of here,” Stephen said cheerily.

•  •  •

Dan followed Stephen down the hallway and into Ava's room. It was a private room, in a wing of the hospital for children with less severe ailments. Next to her bed was a fully extended lounge chair, where Nancy had slept the previous evening.

The room was empty. A note rested on top of the pillow. Stephen picked it up, smiled, and said, “Ava went to visit some of the other kids. She'll be back in a few minutes.”

“You said Ava is doing well. Why did she have to stay overnight?”

“Some of the tests require special preparation, and if you group them together properly, you can get them done quicker and easier, even if it does require an overnight stay. Ava's physician, Dr. Alighieri, has been outstanding through all of this. She helped us with the scheduling, and now we can enjoy the weekend.”

After a pause, Dan asked, “Can your work help the children here?”

“That's part of what I'm striving for. It's also part of the reason why I need your help.”

“You know I could never say no to anything that would help with this.”

“That's one of the exceptional things about you. You really should remind yourself of that from time to time.”

•  •  •

Dan was looking out the window at the increasingly overcast sky when Ava came bounding in and lit everything up, as though the full force of the sun was focused on the room. Seeing him, she let out little sounds
of happiness. He turned in time to catch her as she jumped into his arms. It had been well over a year since they had last seen each other, and she was still as warm to him as ever. Her blue eyes beamed into his as he held her. Long, light-brown hair, the color of vibrant summer wheat, hung around her shoulders. She felt solid, healthy, not frail. And he felt whole with his arms wrapped around her.

When he finally put her down, she went over to her father, who was talking to a young woman dressed in casual clothes. There was something odd about the woman, though Dan couldn't put a finger on what.

As Dan walked over, Stephen turned and said, “Dan, this is Dr. Alighieri. She was tremendous throughout Ava's illness.”

As she turned toward him, Dan extended his hand and said, “Pleased to meet you.” He was surprised how young she was—probably in her early thirties—yet she carried herself with the complete assurance of someone with a lifetime of experience and certainty in everything around her.

Dr. Alighieri faced Dan directly. Her dark-blue eyes, the color of the early-evening sky when the stars first appear, seemed to reach through his. Jet-black, shoulder-length hair framed an interesting face, but all Dan could think about was his increasing discomfort, uncertain of whether he was being drawn to or repelled by her. He almost started to turn away and withdraw his hand, but before he could do so, she grabbed his arm and said, “I've heard so much about you. I'm glad we finally get to meet.”

He didn't move until she released him, then mumbled, “Thank you for all you did for Ava. She's really special.”

Looking at him quizzically, Dr. Alighieri replied, “They all are. Especially her.”

Perplexed by the odd interaction, Stephen said to Dan, “Why don't we get the car, and Ava and Dr. Alighieri can meet us out front?”

•  •  •

On the way down the elevator, Stephen asked, “What was that about?”

“There was something disconcerting about her. My instincts were blaring alarms.”

“What kind of nonsense is that? Dr. Alighieri used cutting-edge medicine, and provided around-the-clock care. She gave everything of herself to help Ava, was even organizing trials in case we needed to try new medicines, and you let a funny feeling get to you? What type of alarms do you think you were hearing? Your vanishing sanity?”

“I appreciate what she did. Something just didn't feel right about her, there was definitely something odd and unsettling.”

“Given how your life's going lately, the last thing you should trust is your instincts.”

“I'd be careful. Those are the same instincts that are telling me to help you.”

“Maybe they need to be recalibrated for different circumstances.”

“Perhaps. Nonetheless.”

“Get over it. I know Trish Alighieri really, really well. She did incredible things for Ava. Perhaps just think of that,” Stephen answered in an sharp-edged voice.

“I'm sorry I upset you. Maybe it's just my state of mind,” Dan said, while thinking he knew what he knew, even in his present, less than optimal, state.

“Your car is just to the left of the front door. Why don't you pull it up while I wait for Ava?” Stephen suggested while handing Dan the keys, still sounding a bit annoyed. “By the way: Trish is going to be at the Cape for the afternoon. She is going to help out a doctor at Falmouth Hospital and visit a patient.”

Dan couldn't decide whether he was pleased or annoyed by the news.

Chapter 22

D
an stood in Stephen's front yard waiting to leave for the Cape. The drive back from the hospital had been mostly silent, the atmosphere tense.

The sky was overcast, like his mood had once again become.

Thinking back to his meeting with Ava's doctor, Dan was surprised that Stephen was so offended by his reaction. At worst, it was nothing more than awkwardness. He felt indignant at Stephen's response and questioned his decision to help him.

Anger and resentment began to occupy his mind. He felt himself being dragged toward the same dark places that he had been pulled toward in recent weeks. The only thing that kept him from seeing what was there was the dread that he might not be able to return, that what had been him would be gone, replaced by a shell. But he was weakening, and the assaults on his resistance were becoming more frequent—almost voices—and harder to overcome. A climactic battle was coming, and he feared its outcome. Everywhere he turned, he saw pointlessness and futility. Everything was a lie.

He began walking toward his car, tempted to get in and drive home.

As he passed a thick-trunked tree in the middle of the front yard, he was so wrapped up in his inner thoughts that he didn't notice the tip of a sneaker sticking out at the base of the tree. Too late, he heard a
whump
and instinctively started to go into a tuck position. Something hard, smooth, and damp slammed into his cheek and he fell to the ground. A weight pounced on his chest and he heard high-pitched laughter. Looking up, he saw Ava's beaming face above him.

“You used to be quicker than that.” Laughing, Ava added, “I'm sorry the ball hit you in the face. I was aiming for your body but you ducked. Are you all right?”

Dan blinked several times as his vision cleared and the dark thoughts vanished, replaced by gradual warmth. He was not too far gone to appreciate the joy of children, especially this one, and their naïve optimism. It gave him something to hold on to.

After a moment, he smiled and said, “If you weren't such an angel, I'd say you were being devilish. Of course you know I allowed you to do this.”

“You're not kidding anyone. You didn't even know where I was. I kicked the ball pretty hard, didn't I?”

“You sure did. Must have been practicing a lot since the last time I saw you; maybe even taking steroids to get stronger.”

Ava gave him a weird look, and he realized she probably didn't even know what steroids were. But then Ava slapped his chest and said, “Tag! You're it,” and sprinted off.

Dan chased her around bushes, trees, and other obstacles. While he was faster, she was quick, short, and more nimble, changing directions in a flash or ducking under most of his attempts to tag her. They did this for several rounds, alternately tagging each other and running off. Dan slipped on the damp grass a few times, streaking his jeans in the process. The exertion felt good. Ava's laughter and squeals felt better. He was no longer aware of his earlier, dismal thoughts.

Then Ava ran to the soccer ball and launched another shot at him. Alert this time, he caught it and handed it back to her as she hugged him around his waist.

Dan said, “You weren't going to get me twice like that, even though you are smarter than the average bear.”

Looking perplexed, Ava replied, “Who said bears are smart?”

Laughing, Dan answered, “You need to watch
The Yogi Bear Show
.”

“Is he that guy in the commercial with the talking duck?”

“Yogi Bear, not Yogi Berra! Man, kids today really are missing out on the good things. We're going to have to watch old cartoons together this weekend.”

Before Ava could reply, the front door opened, and Nancy appeared in the doorway and called out, “Okay you two, time to cut it out. Ava, come on in and take a shower. Dan, Stephen will be out in a minute.” Ava walked into the house. Nancy smiled, winked at Dan, then went back inside, closing the door behind her.

While waiting, Dan tried juggling the soccer ball. Although the sky was still overcast, he felt sunny. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he felt that the dark places were no longer a threat. He was not going to vanish into an abyss.

Leaning back against the tree from which Ava had sprung, he filled his lungs with the late-spring air. This far north, plants bloomed late, especially after a cold spring like this year's. While the lilacs were almost past peak, and the lavender was just emerging, they still scented the air. The rhododendrons had yet to put on their show. He marveled at the beauty of the world. With the darkness pushed back, the tension was gone as well, and he felt a pleasant, relaxed tiredness that reflected the sleep he still needed to catch up on.

His brief rest was interrupted by Stephen striding out of the house carrying his suitcase and computer bag. Smiling at Dan, he said, “Don't tell me a little girl just out of the hospital wore you out that quickly?”

“She's pretty athletic. Obviously takes after her mother.”

Dan wondered whether Stephen's friendliness was real or feigned. How could he put their disagreements behind him so easily?

Together they walked to the car. Dan turned to Stephen, tossed him the keys, and said, “Since I'm such a tired old man, you'd better drive.”

Looking surprised, Stephen said, “Now that's a first. How do I merit such an honor?” Dan almost never let anyone drive his cars. He was known for needing to feel in control.

“You don't. I need to rest since I was up most of the night getting stuff ready for you, “ Dan replied, exaggerating his lack of sleep. But he was tired, thought he could nap, and wanted to take advantage of it while he could. The respite from his restlessness might prove brief.

Stephen's eyes widened, belying his characteristic calm. “Did you finish figuring out my cyber-security setup already?”

“I just need to show you how to use it once we get to the Cape.
And
I need to decide how much to charge you,” Dan said in jest and with a broad smile.

“We can discuss that so-called fee later,” Stephen replied as they got into the car. “If this is all it took, I need to get you out more.”

“As I said yesterday, make things interesting enough and I might be game.”

“Now it's your turn to be careful what you ask for.”

“I can handle it.”

“I wasn't so sure of that when I saw my daughter getting the better of you.”

Remembering the morning, Dan straightened up and asked, “Is Ava really okay?”

“She's fine, thank God.”

Dan thought,
For what, not being as cruel as usual?

As the car accelerated onto the road, Dan drifted off, hoping for reasons to believe in a better life.