The Story of My Heart (2 page)

1982

  Megan sat in her bedroom brushing her hair and gazing deeply into the mirror when her mother knocked on the door.   But before Megan could answer, the door opened and she came right in.

  Megan’s mother sat on the bed; “I haven’t seen you like this in ages.”

  Megan turned and smiled.  But her mother wasn’t smiling.

  “It’s not too late Meg, if you’ve changed your mind.” she said, not looking at Megan.

  Megan turned quickly on the small stool. “What are you talking about Mam?”

  “The wedding,” she answered, “Meg, I’m not blind and I’m not stupid. I know all about this carnival lad you’ve been seeing.”

  “Mam, how did you…?”

  “No one else knows, so don’t worry. I haven’t even said anything to your father.  But I don’t know what’ll happen if John ever finds out. This is a small village. It would only take one bit of gossip to ruin everything, and there’s no shortage of gossips in this place.”  She sighed. “Meg, if you think he’s the one for you then do the decent thing and tell John—if it’s John you really want to be with—then tell the lad it’s over before it’s too late. You can’t use them both like this. It’s not right.”

Megan’s head began to spin in panic.  “How did you find out?”

“When I walked in here, you had a different look on your face, you just seemed… I don’t know, different. You’re dressed up like you’re going out and your mood is happier,” she said. “When John comes over, you’re not in the same sort of mood.”  She sighed deeply. “I’m not proud of myself, but when you went out the other day, I followed you and I saw you both together.”

Megan joined her mother on the bed. “He’s leaving on Wednesday, Mam. I just don’t know. I love John—I do, really—but with Dave?  Oh Mam, it’s so different, what I feel when I’m with him, it’s—I think I might love him more.”

“He’s just exciting to be with,” said her mother. “He lives a different life. Meg my love, his life just isn’t for you.  You’ll hate traveling all the time and living in drafty caravans, not knowing when you’ll have money. What if you have kids? Do you know how hard it’ll be for you?” She faced Megan and took her hands. “Look, it’s really up to you, but you have to weigh everything and decide what’s best for
your
future.  Don’t throw away what you have with John because of this lad.  Has he even asked you to go with him?”

“No,” said Megan sadly. “Well not directly, but he’s hinted.  I think he still might.”

“You can’t think that he might.  What if he doesn’t?
These types of men, they live like this all the time—a girl in every port, or village, whatever.  Think very carefully my darling. You might be giving up much more than you think.”   

CHAPTER FIVE

Present Day

The time passed quickly that morning. Megan’s story took over an hour to get to that point and there was still so much to say.  Gwen sat riveted by the revelation. 

“In all these years” she said, “I didn’t have a clue you’d shagged someone other than John. This is like one of those doomed romances straight from Mills and Boon.”

Megan continued.

“She was right of course, but I chose John for all the wrong reasons.   Even after we were married, I knew I shouldn’t have gone ahead with it. I loved John—or maybe it was just that we’d been going together for so long that we got used to one another or put up with each other for the sake of having someone there.   I’ve never been the adventurous type.  I’m the one who keeps the house nice and has dinner on the table as soon as he gets home.  Sometimes I think that’s the reason why after fifteen years of wedded existence, John decided to divorce me and marry some dancer he met in Ireland.  There I was, thinking Mr. Salesman of the Year was working hard for our future, and the only thing working hard was in his trousers.   Still, after the divorce, I did get the house, and most of the savings.”

She looked around the kitchen then continued.

“Well, after my mother’s little chat, I knew deep down she was right and I knew what I had to do.  I had to tell Dave we were over.  All I could think about was how disappointed in me everyone would be if I just up and left. It would have broken John’s heart too, and for what?  I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like on the road. I might have hated that life, and I’m sure that Dave wouldn’t have given up the carnival for me. I wouldn’t have asked him to. Either way, one of us would be miserable.  At least that was my logic at the time. So I made my way to our little cavern.  I practised over and over in my head what I planned to say to him. I thought about it all the way there, but when I got there—” She sighed deeply. “He looked so good, I couldn’t help myself.  I wasn’t in the mood for talking, if you get my drift.  He stood up to greet me and I fell straight into his arms. I started kissing him, and I didn’t want to stop. I unbuttoned his shirt and before I knew it we were lying down and other bits of clothing were coming off too. And I’d started it! Me! I couldn’t have cared less if it was wrong. All I knew was that I was letting the man I really loved go and I wanted just one extra special time for me to remember something good. Because, in a few days, it would be the worst day of my life.  Afterwards, we held each other, wrapped in the blanket that I brought on the second visit.   We just lay there, watching the sun go down through a break in the trees.  And all too soon it was time to leave.  The carnival picks up at night you see, and Dave was always needed there.”

She laughed as she continued.

“I managed somehow to get dressed under the blanket while Dave, who wasn’t in the least bit shy, entertained me getting dressed, almost as much as he had done, getting undressed.” Her voice changed. “But by the following day I’d come to my senses and I sent him a note asking him to meet me at our place. This time I had to tell him.

1982

Even before he got her note, Dave had been thinking about a question he wanted to ask her and he hoped she’d agree—this was a first for him. He nervously rubbed his hands together and paced around the small clearing, practicing how he would handle it all. This was big, and it would change his whole life, their whole lives!  The rustling of leaves behind him brought him back from his thoughts and there she stood   She looked so beautiful in her cropped jeans and flowery top that fitted her body shape.  The sun behind her gave her a halo. She certainly was
his
angel.

“I was worried that you weren’t coming,” said Dave walking over to her.

“Wedding stuff,” Megan replied.

“Yeah, the wedding,” said Dave, and before another breath he said quickly, “Don’t do it Meg.”

“Don’t do what? What are you talking about?”

“Don’t go through with it,” he placed his hand on her shoulder, “come with me. When the carnival leaves come with us, come with me.”

“Please Dave, don’t.” Megan pushed his hand away and turned. She couldn’t face him; she was coming to say goodbye. “Don’t ask me again because you won’t like what I’ve come to say to you, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

He turned her around. “You love me. I know you do. I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t love you. Don’t marry him Meg.”  He took a deep breath.  “Marry me.”

Megan saw the look in his eyes. She couldn’t do this anymore. Tears filled her eyes as she said, “I can’t Dave. Please forgive me, I just can’t.” Turning away from him again she began to walk away.

Dave wasn’t going to let her go. Not just like that.  He stepped in front of her and held out his arms, almost touching her, willing her to step into them.  “I know we haven’t known each other long and I know how hard it will be to leave everything you’ve ever known. It will hurt for a while, but we’ll get through it. We belong with each other,” he pointed at the village “you don’t belong there.  It’s fate or Karma or whatever it’s called.  It brought me here—to you.”

Megan couldn’t speak; tears ran down her face soaking her lips.

“Meg, tell me you don’t want to be with me,” he asked. 

But before she could answer, Dave kissed her. 

Megan pulled away from him, “I don’t want to be with you.”

he walked away, not looking back and not seeing the man she loved crumble to the ground, broken.

Present Day

“I never met up with Dave again after that” said Megan.    “He phoned the house lots of times and he came round begging to talk to me, but I didn’t talk to him. My mother told him I was with John and that he should leave it at that. She said that I’d made my choice and he should just accept it.  I can’t believe I ended it like that, but I was young.” She sighed deeply. “I didn’t sleep for days after. I even sneaked out in the early hours to watch the carnival leave. I hid behind some bushes so no one would see me, especially Dave.  I thought I caught a glimpse of him driving one of the vans, but Dave always smiled and this person didn’t appear to be happy at all.   I hoped it wasn’t him. It was only when I saw them all leaving that I realised how much I loved him, but it was too late.”

“Why didn’t you run after him?” asked Gwen, eyes wide open as if in shock at how stupid her friend had been. “You could have caught up with him.”

“And then what?  As much as I wanted him I be letting down too many people. I had to stay.  I cried buckets all that day—and the next few.   John didn’t know the reason why my mood changed.  I think he thought it was wedding nerves, like everyone else had. And soon, Saturday arrived and the deed was done.   But I’ve thought about Dave every single day and well… to be quite honest, I see his face every day.

A female voice called from upstairs, breaking the mood and delaying the end of the story.  “Mam!  Any idea where my blue jumper is?  The one Auntie Rhian sent me from Paris?”

Megan walked to the foot of the stairs. “It’s in the linen basket, but you might have to iron it.”

“Okay, thanks Mam, I’ll be down in a minute.”

A few minutes later, Megan’s daughter Sian entered the kitchen.  The pretty seventeen-year-old had wavy brown hair, piercing blue eyes and her smile could melt the coldest of hearts. “Hiya Auntie Gwen, what are you two up to?”

“Just having a chat my lovely,” replied Gwen looking at Megan.

“Hey Mam,” said Sian, “d’you know a carnival is setting up at the park?  Fancy a walk over there tomorrow?”

Megan smiled at her daughter. “No thanks, I’ve had enough of carnivals to last me a lifetime.”

Sian pouted, “It’s okay you know, you are allowed to have fun now and again.”

“I have fun!” said Megan surprised. “Don’t we Gwen?  We have lots of fun.”

Suddenly Sian stopped. “Oh God, it’s a carnival isn’t it?” she said softly. “It’s because of the woman that Dad left us for? She worked in one. I forgot, you don’t want to go because it’ll remind you of what happened. I’m sorry Mam, I didn’t think.”

“It’s nothing to do with that” said Megan, “I’m just not… it’s just,” Megan fumbled around for the words, “I just don’t fancy it that’s all.”  She looked at the clock on the wall. “Isn’t Peter coming over in fifteen minutes?”

“Oh bugger,” said Sian, “I’m late. Linen basket, right?”

Megan sat down in front of Gwen again and whispered, “You see, I had Dave’s face with me all these years.”  She turned over the flyer to reveal the face of the carnival owner; Dave had aged a little but was still as handsome as ever.   

Gwen placed her hand over her mouth, her eyes widened in surprise. Looking up at her were the same eyes that had been looking at her just five minutes previously in the beautiful seventeen-year-old.

Megan nodded yes. “Our last time together.  He doesn’t know of course, no one does. I think my mother may have suspected, but she’s never said a word.  And I know I could have tracked him down the minute I found out I was pregnant. It wouldn’t have been that hard to do, and he would have been back like a shot, I’m certain of it.  But I chose to leave it because John would be a good father and she was my priority, and he never suspected that she may not be his, even though she didn’t look a bit like him. And well… as the years went by, there didn’t seem much point in upsetting everyone.   I’ll tell Sian one day—perhaps.   That’s going to be tough, but until then, I’ll always have my little piece of Dave and that suits me just fine.

CHAPTER SIX

On the other side of the village, a more distinguished-looking Dave sat outside his camper staring out onto a field. His hair was shorter and slightly greyer, but his handsome features were still visible.   In the distance was a small wooded area that he knew particularly well.  Phil, who co-managed the carnival with him, came over to talk to him.  “This is a nice place isn’t it?”

“I’ve been here before…” said Dave, still looking to the wooded clearing, “years ago.”    

He looked up at Phil.  “The first girl I ever asked to marry me came from here.”

“Why don’t you track her down?” asked Phil. “She might still be here.”

“Nah... I don’t think she’s here anymore,” Dave said sadly. “Besides, she married someone else.”

“That’s a bit tough.”

Dave stared out at the wooded area again. “Yeah well, I wasn’t
suitable
or
their sort
—according to her mother.  She told me that Megan—that’s her name—had made her choice and to leave well enough alone.  If I cared for her, I’d just leave.  The carnival left three days before her wedding, but I drove overnight to get back here on the day—you know, try and stop her—but when I got here and I saw her, it suddenly hit me that her mother was right, Megan would be happier without me, so I left.    But I often wonder if I’d stopped her…”  He looked back out to the field, “well, never mind eh, past history and all that.”

Phil shook his head, “You’re a sad git really.”

Dave laughed, “Maybe, but still better-looking than you.”  

Phil walked away and joined some of the other carnival performers, a group of three women and two men, who were taking a break.  

“What’s up with Dave?” asked one of the women.

“He’s reminiscing.”

“About what?” said one of the men.

Phil looked over to Dave. “Seems as though he used to know someone who lived here once.  He almost married her.”

“Poor Dave,” said the same woman, “he hasn’t had much luck with women, has he?”  She stubbed out her cigarette. “I mean, it’s been what?  Three years since Babs left him in Ireland for that salesman?”

“Yeah, about that,” nodded Phil.

They all turn to look at Dave.   “Yeah, poor Dave,” said the woman.

Present Day

    Megan took Gwen’s cup and hers to the sink and gave them a rinse.  “Well now you know it all. It’s just something from my past—you know we all have something, we all have skeletons.”

  “Well I bloody don’t” said Gwen.   She stood next to Megan. “Are you saying that you loved this man more than you did your husband and now that he’s back, you’re not even going to go and see him?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying. There’s no point in raking up ancient history. He might not even want to speak to me after what I did to him back then and how d’you think I would feel? I couldn’t bear the thought that he hated me. Besides, he could be married and I don’t think his wife would like it.”

  “To hell with all that!” said Gwen. “You don’t always get second chances. You have to go, you just have to.  You’ll kick yourself if you miss the chance. It’ll always be that
what if
question.”