The Suicide Project (Rebirth Book 1) (7 page)

“The last straw came when I decided to pay a surprise visit to my fiancé one night while I was on my way home from work. We had opposite work schedules so it was always hard to make plans with each other. I let myself into his apartment and that was when I caught him in bed with my best friend. It was at that point that I completely lost it. It felt like the ultimate betrayal because they had both been there for me emotionally when my family died. They had accompanied me to the funerals of my parents and my brother. Anyways, I drove myself home that night after leaving my fiancés place and I had a few shots of tequila. I remember pouring myself some vodka too, with orange juice. I’m not a heavy drinker but the tequila and the vodka were both leftover from the holidays. I’m a lightweight, so the alcohol hit me pretty hard.

I went into the bathroom of my apartment, and emptied out my medicine cabinet, dumping everything out onto the coffee table in my living room. I sat down on the floor and started to swallow every single pill until there was nothing left.” I peeked up at Jamie from beneath my lashes as I heard her sniffle. Glancing quickly at Sam and Gideon in apology, I explained, “I was fully aware of what I was doing and what the outcome would be. When my family all died, there was an emptiness in my chest that couldn’t be filled. I felt hollow and dead inside, and I just couldn’t handle being alone anymore. I also felt like I didn’t really have anything left to live for because I had nothing left to lose. I had lost
everything
so in my mind, nothing mattered anymore.”

I shrugged unapologetically. “Despite what you guys may think of me right now and my choice, I want you to know that I do NOT regret my decision to take my own life. I believe that every now and then, things
do
happen for a reason, and I felt like I was
meant
to come here and be a part of this experiment.” I paused in my story in an effort to compose myself, breathing deeply as the grief of my past threatened to overwhelm me. “I admit that even though I lost my family, I gained two brothers when I met you guys,” I confided, my voice breaking again with emotion, as I was no longer able to hold back the tears. They began to roll steadily down my face as I squeezed the two hands that I still clutched. Once again, my gaze was riveted to my lap and I watched intently as my falling teardrops created abstract patterns on my sweatpants.

“I think of you two as my family now, and I fully admit that I need you as much as I hope you need me. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life here, a second chance at happiness, and a second chance to make a difference in the world in any way that I can. I intend to make the most of it.” Trying to choke back the sobs so that I wasn’t outright bawling, I realized the effort was futile. I suddenly yanked both of my hands free, and covered my face as I inevitably started to weep. I completely lost it in that moment. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, and it was
not
a feeling I liked. Without warning, I felt Sam lean over and embrace me from my left-hand side, hugging me hard as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

“Stop it. It hurts me to see you cry Teagan. You never cry,” he murmured huskily, pain lacing his voice as he started to rock me back and forth in an effort to provide solace. I felt a second set of arms enclose me from my right-hand side as Gideon scooted closer and hugged me too. I also heard him pleading with me to stop crying. I was overcome with relief that they didn’t hold me in contempt of my actions, or hate me for withholding information from them. Unfortunately for me, once the floodgates opened and I started crying, it wasn’t so easy for me to stop. As the agony of my shattered past came rushing back, the pain felt as fresh as if it had all just happened yesterday.

Somewhere off to the side, I heard Jamie telling me that it was okay to let it all out and have a good cry, stating that I needed the opportunity to mourn everyone that I had lost. I also heard Doc Duffy in the background informing me in his clinical way that tears were a form of cathartic release, thus reassuring me that it was all part of the emotional healing process. It took me nearly five minutes before I was able to collect myself, and I felt someone press a wad of tissues into my hand. I could feel my face burning with humiliation and shame over my melt down as the arrival of hiccups made my embarrassment complete. I always hiccupped when I cried. It was such an annoying inconvenience.

Finally pulling away from Sam and Gideon, I took the time to blow my nose and was startled to see that the sergeant, Doc Duffy, and Jamie were all crouched down on the floor in front of us. I hadn’t heard them move. It meant a lot to me that they really seemed to care and I bestowed them with a weak, watery smile that probably came out as more of a grimace. Mentally, I acknowledged that I was probably a mess. I was
not
one of those types of people that looked cute when they cried. Without looking in the mirror, I knew my face was flushed and that my eyes were red and puffy. I just prayed that I didn’t have snot dribbling out of my nose. Since I didn’t like crying in front of others, I felt mortified to have five people bear witness to my tearful story. Focusing my attention on Sergeant Ramsey, I croaked, “Thank you for turning off the camera.” I was surprised to note that the sergeant’s eyes were a little moist as he replied simply, “Of course.”

Turning to glance again to the guys on either side of me, I exhaled slowly in an effort to stem my blasted tears. They still leaked from my eyes in a continuous stream. I shifted on the couch and regarded Sam with a sad expression. “Enough about me already. I’m done. End of story,” I stated with finality. “Now you all know my past. I want to know what the hell happened to you guys,” I implored with sincerity. Rather than get up to reclaim their original seats, the Doc, Sergeant Ramsey, and Jamie all shifted to sit more comfortably on the carpet, opting to sit cross legged as everyone turned their attention on Sam.

Sam looked taken aback at suddenly becoming the center of attention. I felt slightly guilty for putting him on the spot but I honestly wanted to know what the heck had happened in his life to make him want to attempt suicide. I had a sneaking hunch that it had something to do with his homosexuality. Judging from how quiet it was in the Common Room, I took it as a sign that everyone else was just as anxious to hear his story as I was. After all, I was almost positive that Sergeant Ramsey and the rest of the military staff had no insight into our personal stories; they could only speculate about the scenarios that could’ve led to our demise.
Unless of course, someone took the time to dig a little deeper for a story.
Watching Sam as he nervously fidgeted with his fingers, I offered a hesitant smile of encouragement as he stared back at me with a panicky, deer-in-the-headlights expression. A loud hiccup rent the air and I murmured a quick apology before again prodding Sam to begin.

“I-I don’t know what to say!” he stammered defensively. “I don’t remember what happened. I mean, I can take a guess
how
it happened by the scars on my wrists, but I don’t remember doing it!” he objected with a frown. His brows were deeply furrowed as he thought long and hard. We patiently sat and waited, watching Sam as he practically strained his brain in an effort to remember his past. Wryly, I started visualizing an imaginary hamster in a wheel, running round and round inside Sam’s head as smoke billowed from its little feet. I heard Gideon clearing his throat off to my right. In front of me, Doc Duffy’s knee popped as he shifted on the floor trying to get into a more comfortable position. Thinking to myself, I mused,
How much could Sam and Gideon possibly remember, if they were both still affected by the memory suppression drugs?

Cocking my head to the side after the very lengthy pause, I suggested, “Maybe you can tell us what you
do
remember about your life, and perhaps things will start to come back to you in bits and pieces.”

“Excellent idea!” Dr. Duffy agreed, “I was just about to suggest that myself. Why don’t you start by telling us about your family, and how life was like for you at home?” After pondering our request, Sam seemed relieved to have a starting point to go by.

Without warning, a loud, dramatic gasp burst from his lips causing me to jerk in surprise and clutch my chest as my heart started pounding.
Geez!!
It had been so silent that I was unprepared for Sam’s theatrics. He could be such a drama queen sometimes. I heard Gideon snort next to me at my reaction. Like a light bulb going off, Sam’s demeanor had abruptly changed as he suddenly remembered, “I have a twin brother too!!” The smile he beamed our way at the realization was comical, and it was obvious to us all that he had genuine affection for his sibling.

“His name is Simon. We get along famously even though we happen to be exact opposites. Simon is confident, outgoing, and has a lot of friends, so naturally he’s a very popular guy. He’s involved in a lot of sports so most of the time he isn’t home.” The smile slowly started to slip from Sam’s face as he recalled, “He tried to include me in group activities with his circle of friends but I always declined because I knew that his friends didn’t really want me there. I was kind of an outcast and most of his friends disliked me because I made them feel uncomfortable. Everyone knew I was gay, and I got ostracized for it on a daily basis because my classmates couldn’t understand how Simon and I could be identical twins if Simon was straight and I was gay.”

Scoffing bitterly he complained, “As if I really had a choice about my sexuality. I come from a small town on the outskirts of Wyoming and there are a lot of ignorant, opinionated people where I live. I was only one of two kids at my school who had come out of the closet regarding my sexuality, and looking back now, I kind of wish I had just kept my mouth shut. Things probably would’ve been better for me once I graduated high school and left home.”

A look of anguish entered his eyes and he stared vacantly at the opposite wall as the memories of his past came rushing back. “Simon knew that some people at school were bullying me, but he didn’t do anything to help. He couldn’t because he didn’t want to risk tarnishing his popularity. When we were at home he treated me with respect like I was his equal, but when we were at school, it’s almost like he had blinders on. It’s not that he treated me badly because he didn’t; it’s just that he was purposely being oblivious to my situation. Even though he never said it, I knew he also had trouble accepting and understanding the fact that I was gay. I blame that on my parents though, because of the way we were raised. I became more and more depressed and started turning to food for comfort. When I started gaining weight, people made fun of me even more.”

“What about your parents? Tell us what they were like,” Dr. Duffy interjected. Glancing at him, I saw his lips were compressed in an angry line. Undoubtedly, I had a similar expression on my face as I felt disgust over Sam’s classmates and their prejudiced beliefs.

“My parents were fanatical, religious freaks, and flat-out refused to accept that I was gay. They said homosexuality was one of the sins of God and they wanted to send me to some Bible Camp over the summer in hopes that I could be “fixed”. I refused to go so the emotional gap between me and my parents grew wider and wider because they didn’t know what to do with me. They no longer knew how to relate to me. Simon was the perfect son, so they adored him and showered him with affection, but when it came to me all they felt was shame. I saw their disappointment in me every time they looked my way. Rumors about me being gay started circulating around our church and my Mom was scandalized. She said I was an embarrassment and that I was besmirching the family name.” A single tear leaked out and trickled down Sam’s cheek, and I clenched my teeth in anger and disgust at the treatment Sam suffered at the hands of his parents. Just the thought of the kind of living environment Sam had been subjected to seemed abhorrent to me, especially since I had been brought up in such a warm and loving household.

“Hey,” I exclaimed while gently grasping Sam’s jaw and forcibly turning his face so I could look him directly in the eye. “It is NOT your fault that your parents are assholes. Screw them! There’s absolutely
nothing
wrong with you. We all love you just the way you are so don’t ever change.” My attention shifted to Sergeant Ramsey as I heard him cough, and I saw that he was staring right at me with his eyebrows furrowed in disapproval.
Crap!
I sighed guiltily as Sergeant Ramsey shook his head at me in censure. Being as how the sergeant was a gentleman from the South, he was raised with the belief that women should talk and act a certain way. He did
not
approve of me swearing like a guy. I try to censor what I say around him since I know my swearing bothers him, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It just slips out. Defensively, I argued, “Well, they
are
assholes!” I heard a couple sighs of exasperation from around me as I turned my focus back on Sam.

He sniffled as he looked at all of us and commented with a weak smile, “Well, looking on the bright side… I only had to suffer through that treatment for one year.”

“You shouldn’t have had to suffer through that treatment at ALL!” I declared angrily with disgust. I rubbed his back as I leaned my forehead against his shoulder. I was positively seething on the inside on his behalf. In that moment I wanted to smother him with hugs and offer solace in any way I could to help appease the trauma of his past.

“I had my two best friends with me at school and they helped me to keep my spirits up when the going got tough. It was great having non-judgmental friends who accepted me the way I was.” He looked pointedly at me and Gideon before remarking with a soft grin, “You two remind me of them in that way.”

“Is there anything else significant you can remember about your past? Can you try to remember the very last time you saw your friends or family?” Dr. Duffy prodded gently. Sam inhaled and then blew out his breath in a long, drawn out exhalation as he contemplated the question.

“I remember being in the hospital,” he announced suddenly. “Geez…why was I in the hospital?” he mumbled quietly under his breath, almost like he was talking to himself. We all watched expectantly as Sam tried to put the pieces together. “I was in the hospital because someone had beaten me up very badly. It was a classmate.” Sam stood up and restlessly started to pace the Common Room floor as his story began to take shape. “Someone had started a nasty rumor that I had a massive crush on one of the guys on the football team. His name was Brandon and he was one of the popular guys at my school. He heard the rumor and for some reason he was outraged to have his name linked to mine, even though the story wasn’t true. As if! He’s not even that cute! Anyway, I guess he felt his reputation was on the line,” Sam sighed in agitation as his story picked up speed.