The Vegan's Hunter (5 page)

But most of all he loved to kill.

There was nothing more satisfying than seeing a living, breathing creature fall down like a log through the sights of a gun.

He was getting a lot of satisfaction today.

His friend Ray, well not so much of a friend as someone who Clifton used on occasion, had invited him to his ranch in Texas to shoot some hogs from a helicopter. This morning there were about four hundred wild hogs loose on his ten thousand acre ranch. Clifton estimated that there were probably about fifty left.

“Over there,” Clifton yelled to the pilot Fred, through his microphone, “by the tree line.” It was hard to hear anything through the headphones with the noise of three automatic weapons firing around him combined with the whining sound of the helicopter.

“Got them,” the pilot responded, through Clifton’s headphones. The helicopter banked right. Clifton clung to the handle over the doorway with his right hand and hung onto his M16A4 with his left. He was strapped in tight but with the doors of the helicopter removed he wasn’t taking any chances.

“That fat one is mine,” Billy yelled, aiming his XM177. Four hogs were sprinting along the tree line. The fat one was in the lead with the three small piglets trying desperately to keep up. There was nowhere to hide from the helicopter. Even the dense forest was no match for the firepower pointing at them.

Clifton could hear muted popping as Billy let loose on the trigger. Little clouds erupted behind the pig as missed shots hit the dirt. The third shot hit the mother and the pig skidded along the ground, its back legs flying in the air. Billy cheered.

“My turn,” Clifton muttered to himself. Bullets flew into the three confused piglets smelling their dead mother. “God damn I love that.” He slapped his knee with his palm.

Ray was shooting out the other door behind the pilot, his son Fred. “Got some swimmers over here,” he yelled.

Fred turned the helicopter and took off over the small lake. “Look at them trying to get away,” Billy laughed. “Swim piggy swim,” he yelled and then made a squealing noise.

“You take them Clifton,” Ray said. Ray was always kissing his ass. Normally Clifton hated hardcore fans like this, except the young girls of course, but Clifton tolerated Ray because he was rich with lots of fun toys. Ray was always bribing him with hunts like these just to hang out with a popular celebrity.

Clifton looked down at two pigs swimming towards the middle of the lake trying to get away from the loud, metallic bird. He laughed. Where in the hell do you think you’re going? Pigs were so stupid. Almost as stupid as animal rights activists. Whoever thought animals have rights deserve to be swimming next to them down there. Those cock suckers were always picketing his concerts. Posting shit on his Twitter page. Sending him death threats.

The pigs were fast swimmers and were already past the center of the lake. He picked off the last one. Direct hit. He sunk under the water like a big, useless rock. The second one turned left, trying to get away. Silly piggy. Tall splashes erupted around the pig as Clifton toyed with him. “How about one in the ass?” He yelled out. Billy, Ray and Fred all cheered.

He flicked the switch to single shot with his thumb and aimed the rifle at the pig’s ass. He pulled the trigger and a splash of water shot up three feet behind the pig. “God dammit keep the helicopter straight,” he yelled.

“Come on Fred,” Ray yelled smacking the back of his son’s helmet. “Keep it level.”

Fred looked back confused. The helicopter was completely level.

Clifton aimed again and pulled the trigger. The pig thrashed in the water, splashing around violently.

Everyone cheered. Clifton smiled and gave a round of high fives. He was glad he made the trip out here from Colorado. He wasn’t going to come. Ray always got on his nerves and he didn’t want to be around the guy but when Ray said that he had four hundred hogs to kill and a helicopter to do it from, Clifton couldn’t resist.

“You going to finish him off?” Billy asked, looking at the hog struggling to keep his snout above water.

“Fuck him. Let’s go,” Clifton responded. “I see some running up that hill.”

Fred hit the throttle and the helicopter sped forward.

“I need a beer,” Clifton said, stretching his legs. As fun as that was it was nice to be on solid ground again. Fred had just landed the helicopter close to Ray’s house. His wife and daughter ran out to greet them.

“Stacy get some beers from the kitchen,” Ray yelled at his daughter. Her shoulders slumped and she turned to the house. “And some whiskey for Cliff. The Japanese one.”

“Did you have fun sweetie?” Ray’s wife asked kissing his cheek and taking his gun from him. Clifton usually didn’t like his women to be past thirty but he didn’t mind her at all. She was looking good in those shorts. He rubbed his chin and watched as she bent over, helping her husband out of his camouflage hunting suit. Maybe after dinner he’ll hit the whiskey with Ray and then go visit her in her room. Ray was a light weight with whiskey and it never took him much to pass out. His wife would be thrilled to be with a real man for a change.

Ray’s daughter Stacy came out a few minutes later with a box of beer and a bottle of Suntory Yamazaki 12 Year Old Single Malt Whiskey under her arm. The neck of the bottle was rubbing against her ample, bouncing breast. Her face was atrocious. Unfortunately she got her father’s looks but her body came straight from her mother. Maybe he’d visit her room after. Maybe he’d get them both at the same time.

He grabbed the bottle from under her arm grazing her breast with the back of his hand. She flinched back, her face turning red as blood. She dropped the beer by her dad’s feet and hurried back into the house.

Ray pretended not to notice what just happened and grabbed a beer from the box. He opened it and raised it up to Clifton while nodding his head.

Clifton ignored the man and popped the cork off the bottle. He held the neck up to his nose and smelled it. The smell of whiskey mixed with sixteen year old stung his nose. He took a gulp straight from the bottle, keeping one eye on Stacey’s ass as she hurried back to the house.

Ray had one more treat in store for Clifton before he left tomorrow morning back to Colorado. Ray refused to let him in on what it was, which was making Clifton angry. He had been stuck in the back seat of a jeep with Ray for over an hour as he pestered him with questions.

“Did you ever fuck Scarlet Harris?” he asked.

“Fuck her? I was her first,” Clifton lied.

“Wow,” Ray said staring at him like a love stricken girl. “I wish we were friends back then. It would have been amazing.”

Thirty years ago Clifton was the singer of ArcRiot, one of the top rock bands in the country, until the idiot members kicked him out for taking too many drugs. Morons. They went downhill after he left. He was the only talented member of the band.

Clifton still did some private shows once in a while just for old time’s sake and because his ex-wife stole all of his money. Ray had been a huge fan as a dorky, pimple faced teenager. When that same teenager grew up he started an IT consulting company that exploded. He was now richer than Clifton could ever dream of being. Ray had hired Clifton to play for his fortieth birthday and they had known each other ever since. Ray was great to borrow money from whenever Clifton needed it. He had borrowed over fifty thousand dollars over the past four years and Ray had never even asked for a penny of it back. But Ray was always trying to hang out with him. Trying to be his friend. But Clifton was smart. He saw through Ray to the loser teenager that he still was, trying to gain acceptance from the cool kids, and he used that every chance he got. Over the past five years Ray had paid for their hunting parties to Kenya, Zimbabwe. Ray had even brought Clifton along to Somalia to watch as he shot an endangered white rhino. He paid three hundred thousand dollars on the black market to illegally shoot the beast. Ray didn’t even complain when Clifton took the shot himself and killed the rhino.

Clifton smacked Billy in the back of the head, waking him up. “What’s up boss?” he asked. Billy was an idiot too but Clifton always made sure that he came on these hunting trips. He was the closest thing to a friend that he had, even if he did hate his guts most of the time.

“You’re snoring. It’s annoying.” He turned to Ray. “Are we almost there?”

“It’s just up this road,” Ray said laughing with a snort. Clifton restrained himself from hitting him. He hated that laugh.

They got out of the truck and there was a man waiting for them on the large porch of his house. Clifton counted three chins on the tub of lard. His belly extended out like he was pregnant with twins. Twin hippos.

Ray walked up the man’s lawn, his feet disappearing in the long grass, and shook his hand. They talked for a while before Ray handed him a bulging envelope. The man struggled to get up out of the porch swing. He slumped back down, giving up, and pointed to the back.

“What is this place?” Clifton asked Fred.

“You’ll see,” Fred responded grinning like a kid in a shooting range.

Ray came back smiling. “It’s all set.”

“What?” Clifton asked annoyed. All of this secrecy was starting to piss him off.

“I’ll show you,” he said and headed to the back of the house.

“God damn it,” Clifton muttered, following him. “Slobs,” he said as he stepped over a child’s broken riding horse. The wooden head was missing. He kicked an empty can of beer out of the dirt path and followed Ray and Fred through the back gate. Billy followed behind him.

A large cage about a quarter the size of a football field loomed in the distance. Clifton’s scowl turned into a smile when he saw four tigers lying on the cement floor.

“Oh yeah,” Billy yelled when he saw the tigers. He squeezed his big arms around Ray and picked him up in a bear hug. “I could kiss you.” He laid a fat kiss on Ray’s cheek.

Normally Clifton would’ve told him to knock it off. He hated that fag stuff. But he was too excited and couldn’t stop smiling. He had no idea that they were going tiger hunting today.

One of the tigers stood up and circled in the cage, eying them. He walked with a limp. His fur was dirty and he was so thin that Clifton could count each one of his ribs. Not much of a trophy but he had never killed a tiger before and wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity, no matter how pathetic it looked. The other three didn’t even have the energy to get up. When was the last time that fat fuck fed them?

“Are we taking them out to your ranch?” Clifton asked.

“I wish but we can’t transport them. We have to do it here,” Ray answered.

“In the cage? Get someone to bring them to your ranch. We’ll shoot them from the helicopter.”

Ray laughed and Clifton held back the urge to slap him. “It’s too dangerous. These guys can jump over my fence.”

Clifton looked at the tigers doubtful that they could stand up, let alone jump over a fence.

“We have to do it here,” Ray said.

They got their guns from the trunk and walked up to the cage. Clifton held his shirt to his nose. The smell of feces was rampant. The cage and four tigers were covered in it. Three of the tigers were on their feet now and one was still lying on the ground breathing heavy. He hadn’t even raised his head to look at them. If they would’ve arrived twenty minutes later that one might already have been dead.

“Billy you get the one lying down, Ray the one with the limp, Fred the one with his head down and I’ll take the big one,” Clifton said.

He raised his rifle and his phone rang. “God damn it. Who in the hell is this?” He lowered his rifle and answered his phone. “What?”

He listened, his face slowly changing from annoyance to a smile. “Well alright. I’ll stop by the studio tomorrow then.” He put his phone back in his pocket. The three of them were all staring at him expectantly. “They bought the pilot,” he announced. “I’m gonna be a TV star!”

They all cheered and gave their congratulations. So far it had been a great day. Ray’s wife and daughter flashed into his mind. It might even be a better night. What a way to celebrate this moment by tagging his first tiger.

“Let’s do this,” he yelled, suddenly pumped.

They all raised their rifles. The metal fence clinked as Clifton placed his barrel through the hole. His heart started pounding as he aimed it at the large male. The stupid tiger didn’t even move. He just lowered his head as if accepting his fate.

“Billy count it down,” he said.

“Three.”

Clifton straightened his back.

“Two.”

He held his breath.

“One.”

He pulled the trigger smiling.
Boom
. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

 
“Can you live any farther from civilization?” Kayley asked, getting out of her car. “Do you have any neighbors?”

“Just a couple of grizzly bears,” Tyler responded. He closed the front door and walked to her car, squinting from the bright morning sun. “They’re not much conversationalists but they love to party.”

She opened her trunk and struggled to pull out a large suitcase. Tyler smiled while watching her. His eyes kept drifting to her long legs showing from her hiking shorts.