The Weight of Love (8 page)

15

JAYCEE

Kyla’s arms fly around me. “I knew you’d decide to come! I just knew it!”
She squeezes until my lungs feel like they’ll collapse. “It’s going to be so great!”

I pat her back and wish that she’d let me go.
Sometimes the emotion is too much. “You know that if I move in with you and Tom, the whole neighborhood might think he’s some kind of fake-Mormon and a polygamist.”

Her arms drop and she stands back.
“Awesome.” Kyla smiles wide. “That means they’ll all be curious, and bring us lots of treats as an excuse to stop by!”

I shake my head
. “Fine, but you need to promise to set everything straight, okay? Make sure they all know we’re good people.”

“Of course.”

I lean back into my couch. I’ve already realized that probably none of my furniture is worth bringing. I’ll probably sell everything but my truck, which I might sell once we get there. I won’t have a need for a big diesel pickup in Salt Lake.

“You can come whenever you want, but I think Tom and I are headed out in a month.”

“A
month
?” My stomach drops. Is that enough time? Is it too much time? Right in this moment I don’t want to change my mind, but what will happen when Kyla’s gone, and my memory of how good I feel about this wears off?

“You could come later on, you know. That would be okay, as long as you don’t back out.” She points at me.

“I won’t back out.” I’m pretty sure.

~
~ ~

My heart’s pounding as I stand on the Layton’s porch. Kyla drove to my house to play with Bridger. I don’t want to police Bridger in their house while I tell them I’m moving. It’s not that they have a
legal hold on him or anything, but me moving away definitely affects them.

“Well,
Jaycee, this is a nice surprise,” Donna says as she opens the door.

“I
wanted to talk for a few.” Only my legs don’t want to move and I mostly just want to go home.

“Well, come on in. Ben and I just finished dinner.”

“Okay.” I step inside and slide off my shoes. My body still refuses to take a decent breath.

“Jaycee?” Ben calls from the living room.

“I’m coming up.” I follow Donna up the stairs.

“You okay pretty girl?” he asks as I come in the room.

“Fine, why?”

“You look nervous.” He chuckles and
settles into his chair.

I really need to just say it, just tell them. “I’m moving.”

“Where?” Donna’s voice is more curious than surprised.

“To Utah.
Salt Lake.” I sit, but my hands are clutching one another tightly.

Donna leans forward. “Out of Alaska?”

“Utah’s out of Alaska, dear.” Ben chuckles again. “We’ll miss you, girl.”

“Thanks.” I let my eyes rest on his kind
face for a moment.

“But what about Bridger?”
Donna asks.

I’m sure Donna means what about Bridger and their relationship with him.
“I’ve found some good schools for kids like him and—”

“What do you mean
kids like him
?” Donna leans even further toward me.

Is there any point in trying to explain to her?
“Um… He just sees and feels the world differently, and there’s people that—”

“But you’ll be starting all over
, Jaycee. Are you sure that’s wise?”

“All over with what?”
I ask.

“Everything!”

“I guess… I guess that’s kind of the point.” Is that the point? My head is screaming. She’s right. I’m starting all over with everything. I can feel the beginnings of panic in my chest. I’ve already done it once.

“I’m really happy for you.” Ben smiles warmly.

“Thank you.” I keep my eyes focused on him.

“When do you leave?”
Donna’s voice is cold and as my eyes shift to her, so do Ben’s.

“Soon. Tom’s job starts in a month. I’ll take a little more time than that, but not a lot.”

Her lips purse together. She knows she really has no say in what I do, but I can tell she doesn’t like it.

“We’d love to go through the temple with you,
for yourself you know. If you make it before you leave.” Her eyes hit mine hard.

Right.
The topic that hasn’t come up in a while.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if I—
” But Ben saves me by opening his mouth to speak.

“Be sure to give Luke a call,” Ben says
with a too-big smile. “I’m sure he’ll be amazed at how Bridger is growing, and how much he looks like his…” Ben’s words disappear with his grin.

How much h
e looks like his dad, Ben’s son
.
My husband.
So much for his words saving me. “I will.”

“Anything else you want to drop on us?”
Donna’s smile is forced. Her lips are pulled together.

“Not today.” I stand
. It’s a lot easier to ignore her little jabs when Bridger isn’t here.

“Don’t be a stranger, Jaycee.” Ben stands up and gives me a hug.
“I’ll miss seeing you around. It’s been nice.” His voice is quiet.

It hits me that them seeing me is a reminder of Matt.
Of course. Just like coming to their house reminds me of him.

I’m waiting for Donna to jump in again, but she doesn’t.

My eyes float over the family pictures. The four brothers smiling wide for the camera. Matt in his uniform. Our wedding picture. Maybe the separation will be good, and maybe it will simply make things worse. No matter what, I’m going to miss being around people who knew him. People who know me.

16

WORTHEN

19.5 Months - WISH I COULD WALK AWAY

“We have dinner at a Sister Layton’s house tonight?” Elder Barris’ voice sounds questioning. It always takes a while for the new guy to get acquainted with the people and the area. He’s no exception.

“Who else is coming?”
I ask. He’s new and doesn’t know our people yet. I’ve managed to stay here through one transfer. We’ll see if I can manage another.

“What?”

“She’s a widow, lives alone, there’s always someone else there,” I tell him.

I hit the turn signal.

“Oh, there’s a note that says Bishop.”

“Okay, so the bishop will be there tonight.”

“Alright.”

“And don’t stare.”
I tell him as we stop in her driveway.

“What?”
His eyes are wide as we step out of the car and move to her door.

I knock.

He looks almost scared, hesitant. He’s not brand new out. He should be fine.

She opens the door with her wide smile and his jaw drops.

“This is Elder Barris.” I gesture to my speechless companion. “Who was warned…” I elbow him.

“Nice to meet you, Sister Layton.”
He reaches out his hand.

“You too.”
She reaches out her hand to him first, and then to me.

Shouldn’t love this so much. S
houldn’t love this so much
. I take her hand in mine and just because I’m an idiot, I bring my other hand over and take her tiny hand in both of mine. I want to close my eyes at how she feels.

“Come on in.”
She lets me go and steps back so we can walk inside.

“Wow.”
Elder Barris whispers to me. “When you said widow, I had a completely different vision in my head.”

“I guessed.”

We walk out of the entryway into the warmth of her small house.

“Hey guys! A
bout time you showed up!” Bishop Allen’s on the couch with his wife. “You should be
on time
to your appointments.” I know him well enough to know he’s teasing.

Elder
Barris’ eyes get wide. He thinks Bishop Allen’s serious.

“W
e were talking with Peter,” I explain.

“How’s he doing
?” Bishop asks.

Peter has struggled with a lot of different things, but is a good guy. Today we were just a sounding board for his chaotic life.
“I think so.” I shrug. “But it’s hard to tell.”

“Well you can thank the bishop for our meal tonight.” Jaycee smiles from the kitchen.

“No, no.” He shakes his head. “I just brought the meat. Jaycee makes these peppery steak tips that I can’t get enough of.”

She laughs from the kitchen.

“Well, it’s a nice treat for me, too. There isn’t meat in this house often. I almost forgot how to make them.” She turns toward the fridge, pulls open the door and spins back to the stove.

“Why not?”
Barris asks.

She laughs again. “Cause I’m poor, Elder. I’m picky about
where I buy my meat and it’s expensive.”

Wow. Groceries were always just
there
. I’d never given much thought to how much they cost, or where Mom got them from. When I moved out, I was already making good money, and didn’t use my kitchen all that much.

“And it’s done.” She lifts a small piece of meat to her mouth and takes a bite. “Perfect.”

There’s a short flurry of activity while the food is set on the table, I do my best not to look at Jaycee, to listen to the prayer, and to keep my heart where it should be. And not on the woman who has just made the best steak I’ve ever tasted.

- - -

We’ve finished talking with Peter, and as the youth filter into the church building, I realize they’re doing a church movie night.

“You should come,” I tell him.

“Why not.” He shrugs and follows us into the cultural hall. The screen is down and I guess they’ve actually started on time.

I see Jaycee and her
helper leaning against the back wall.

I walk over and
Barris follows. Peter takes a spot on the floor next to one of the young men leaders.

“They’re
already totally into it.” Jaycee glances at me quickly as I lean back.

“They are. G
ood choice.” The room is silent aside from the film. A near impossible feat in a room full of teenagers. I want to know more about her and I realize that this might be my only chance. “I was curious about Matt.” And I know I’m just jumping in, but how else will I get to know her?

“Oh?”
A wave of sadness passes over her face, but disappears quickly.

“
You know, I know you weren’t a member that long and I…” I’m sure I’ve gone too far. “It’s just a dramatic situation.”

“Yeah, it is.
Everything seems to be, though, so I suppose I’m getting used to it.”

“Well, you’re a good example of almost every aspect of living
a good life.” Did I say too much? It feels true.

She glances down. She has smooth skin and long lashes.
“Well, I feel like I’m fumbling through most of the time, so I can’t imagine that.”

The light from the movie hits her face and lights it up.
I want to run my hand down her cheek, whisper to her how amazing she is. How everyone should want to be like her. Instead I wait patiently for her answer, my arms crossed in front of me. I’m very aware of my nametag resting on my chest and my heart pounding at how close we are.

“Matt was the kindest, friendliest, most confident man I ever met.
I was young, seventeen when we met. Eighteen when we got married. We had a very short engagement and Bridger came sooner after the wedding than the church would have liked for him to. I’d joined the church not long before. Matt was using the Guard to get through school and was sent overseas two different times. You know the rest.”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
I’m such a jerk. Really, it’s nosy curiosity. That’s all. I want to know about the temple, why she hasn’t been. But I’ve already crossed a line. I shouldn’t cross another one.

“It’s okay.”
Her eyes leave the screen and hit mine. “No one asks, you know? And it’s sad because he was a big part of my life. I want to talk about it sometimes. Him.”

I stand silent, and wait for her to continue.

“We met, and I just knew.” She turns to face the TV screen, but her mind is somewhere else. “I knew it right then.” She shrugs. “I never expected it to happen again.”

“And it has?” I’m confused.
She pushed away the short guy who came the other night.

She sta
res at the floor, her cheeks red again. “I mean… I’m not with anyone. I’m not completely sure if I want to be.” Her head tilts back up and her eyes find the screen again. “Not yet.”

I wonder if she felt a tenth of what I did when we first met.
If that’s where her comment came from. Her reaction is one of the first hints that maybe she did.

Now what?

“Guess that’s crazy, huh? I’m supposed to want to be married and have all that, right?”

“No. Not until you really feel it. There’
s no hurry. I of all people should know, out in the mission field a couple years late.” Her feeling rushed into marriage does not mean good things for me.

Her eyes find mine in the dim light.
“But you really wanted it when you left.”

“I did.” And still should.

“How old are you?”

“
Twenty-two. Well, almost.” I know she’s older, but it can’t be by much.

“So I have a
couple years on you.” Her eyes narrow and she smiles.

“It’s just a number.” And now I’m worried that I’ve said too much again.

She turns back toward the movie. “Yeah, I’m sure that’s what Luke thinks, too.”

“The guy who came out the other night?”
My heart’s being squeezed right now.

“What?” Her head snaps toward me
until understanding passes over her features and she relaxes. “Oh, no. Matt’s younger brother. It feels so…weird. To even try to be with someone who was his family, but maybe that’s better. I don’t know.”

Wow, this sucks. There is no way Jaycee won’t be completely tied up with someone when I finish. I feel something like panic set in
my gut, but I don’t get that luxury. I force a deep breath in.
I’m doing what I’m doing and nothing will change that. Eternal perspective.
I’m really going to need to chant that over and over. “Well, no wonder you feel pressure to get married again. It seems like people are coming at you from all sides.” I wonder if my attempt at teasing came off well at all.

She looks down. If I had to guess, I’d say she was embarrassed again.
“I don’t know why. I’m a complete mess, I don’t know what to do with my own son, and I think about Matt more than I should for someone who wants to move on.”

“But you want to. You said that, right?”
Just not yet. That’s good for me.

“Guess it’s a matter of timing.” Our eyes lock and I have to look away before someone notices. How
would they not when I’m feeling what I feel around her? How does everyone in the room not see the way I’m looking at her? Does she see? Does she notice?

“I’m in no position to give you counsel, Jaycee, but just keep being prayerful and trust that voice above everything else.” And
all I can do is to pray that Heavenly Father tells her what He tells me when we’re close. That this could be it. Worth waiting for. Worth doing everything right for.