Read The White Horse Online

Authors: Cynthia D. Grant

The White Horse (15 page)

BOOK: The White Horse
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“Raina, I appreciate your confidence in me, but I'm too old to raise a baby now.”

This was true. But I was too ashamed to tell her the rest; that I was afraid her baby was damaged goods. Afraid this blameless baby was a ticking bomb who would blow up in my face one day.

“You're not that old.”

“She deserves two parents. I can't give her that, Raina.”

“Yeah, but that's okay. Sometimes things aren't exactly perfect, but they can still be pretty good.”

She talked fast, desperate. The baby was fine. No problems at all. The doctor said. Unwrapping the blanket. Feel her skin, Miss Johnson. Isn't she soft? Trying not to beg.

If I'd given birth to a baby with problems I wouldn't have tried to give it back; said: No, this isn't what I had in mind. Do you have anything without handicaps?

I would've claimed that baby as my own and loved it with all my heart. But this wasn't my child.

“Don't decide right now. You can think about it. We'll come back tomorrow. Next week, if you want.”

The baby stirred and opened her eyes. Her mouth was like a tiny pink bow. She yawned and turned toward her mother's breast. Raina lifted her shirt and fed her.

For years I'd watched the road ahead, waiting for the prince on the white horse to deliver my life, wrapped up like a present: A husband and children. Family pictures. Dance recitals. Little League games. Summer vacation. Trips to the beach.
Are we there yet? How much longer, Mom?

My eyes ached from looking into the lonely distance.

The baby peeped. Raina patted her back, then moved her to the other breast. She kissed the baby, murmuring, “You're all right.” The baby's tiny fist clasped her fingers. They were two little children, holding hands. Two little babies, alone in the world.

Those children broke my heart, and entered it.

“All right, Raina. I'll take your baby.” I could hardly believe what I was saying. Fear wrestled wild joy. My teeth were chattering.

“You will?” Relief flooded her face. “That's great!”

“There's something else.” My heart was pounding. “I want to adopt you too. If you'll let me.”

She stared at me in disbelief. “You don't have to do that.”

“I know.”

“I'll be okay.”

“You can't keep living on the street, Raina. You're a wonderful girl. Won't you let me help you?”

She shook her head. “It wouldn't work out. I'm used to being on my own.”

“Me too.” I was as scared as she was. I could picture my mother's face:
Peggy, what are you doing? You're ruining your life! Who knows how these children will turn out?

Not me; they don't come with guarantees. You don't always get what you expect. Sometimes you do but you just don't recognize it, because you're looking down the road for something else.

“I've done bad stuff,” Raina said. “You don't really know me.”

“I know everything I need to know. I'm not asking you to make a decision now. It might be harder than you think to give up your family.”

“No,” she said. “They gave me up a long time ago.” Her eyes were full of doubt and hope. “You said it wouldn't work, me living there with the baby.”

“Not if you were trying to raise her, and you won't. We won't lie to her, Raina, but I'll be her mother. That's how it will always be. I'd like to be your mother too.”

“I'm kinda old.”

“Me too.”

“You know what I mean. I'm not used to someone telling me what to do.”

“It won't be easy.” I knew she would test me. I knew she would have to struggle against me, hoping I'd never let her go. “We'll have to try really hard and promise each other that no matter what happens, we won't give up.”

“I'm scared I'll let you down,” she said. “I don't want you to end up hating me.”

“That could never happen, Raina. I want you for my daughter. My very own.”

She nodded. She couldn't look at me. She brushed her eyes with her sleeve.

The baby finished feeding. Raina patted her back until a burp popped out, then she said, “Would you like to hold her?”

I took the baby. My hands were shaking. The baby's bright eyes fastened on my face.

“You gotta hold up her head. Her neck's like spaghetti.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I'm kind of new at this.”

“Don't worry.” Raina smiled. “You won't break her.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

She got home before the teacher did and turned on all the lights so the house looked cozy. Then she sat at the table and did her homework, listening to the wall heater hum.

The front door opened and the teacher came in with the baby and a bag of groceries.

“Is there more in the car?”

“A couple of tons. Did you clean up the kitchen like you were supposed to last night?”

“It's spotless,” she boasted. “You could eat off the floor.”

“We'll have to if you didn't do the dishes.”

The baby smiled when she saw her. Raina kissed her cheek, then went outside and filled her arms with groceries. So many bags, she had to make two trips. She spotted a box of her favorite cookies, the kind she used to steal.

Sometimes she was afraid they were living in a dream and the teacher would suddenly wake up, screaming: What are you doing in my house? Get out!

Then she'd touch the key the teacher had given her. She wore it on a string beneath her blouse.

“How was school today, Raina?”

“Okay, I guess. They made us do all this terrible stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Sit at desks. Write papers. Study.”

The teacher put the baby in her swing and wound it up. She rocked back and forth, watching them put away the groceries.

For supper they had chicken and potatoes and salad and some round green things. Brussels sprouts, the teacher said. Three meals a day. It still amazed her. Sometimes she'd wake up in the middle of the night and go out and just look in the refrigerator.

“How was work?” she asked the teacher as they ate.

“Really busy. I've applied for a leave of absence next year. Money will be tight, but that's okay. I don't want the baby in daycare all the time, and I'd like to be here when you get home from school.”

“I'm a big girl now.”

“Yes, I know. That's why.”

The baby squawked and waved her arms.

“She smells the food,” Raina said. “She always gets hungry when she sees us eat.”

“She knows what's good. Don't you, baby girl.” The teacher stroked the baby and wound up the swing. “How'd your appointment with the counselor go?”

“Great. I had her in tears again. She says my childhood makes her sad.”

“Well, that's a help. Maybe we should find someone else.”

“Anyway, what good does it do?”

“We've been all through that, Raina. It's settled.”

They finished supper and cleaned up the kitchen, then the teacher bathed the baby in the sink. She looked astonished when she felt the water. She kicked and splashed and made them laugh.

While the teacher got the baby ready for bed, Raina wrote in her notebook at the kitchen table. The house was so quiet and peaceful and clean. Sometimes the quiet made her nervous. She was afraid she would do something stupid and spoil it, like yell: I can't do this! and end the suspense. The teacher's face mad and hurt and disappointed. Get out. Right now. I should've known you couldn't change.

Be back on the street, alone again.

But the weeks went by and she hadn't wrecked anything. The quiet had begun to seep inside her.

The teacher came in, cradling the baby. Her fuzzy yellow sleeper smelled sweet and clean. Raina nuzzled the baby's belly and she giggled.

“What are you working on? Homework?”

“No. A story, I guess. Or a poem. It's kinda weird.”

“What's it about?”

“A white horse.”

The teacher smiled. “The kind that comes with a handsome prince?”

“It's not that kind of horse.”

The teacher patted her shoulder. “I'll be interested to read it when you're done. If you'll let me.”

“Maybe. We'll see how it turns out.”

The teacher fixed a bottle for the baby, then tested it on her wrist.

“Just right,” she said. “Say good night to Raina.”

“Bye, baby.” She kissed her, and they left the room.

Raina wrote for a while, then closed the notebook. She found them in the rocker in the baby's bedroom, rocking back and forth, the teacher softly singing. The baby's eyes were closed, the bottle still at her lips.

“Is she asleep?”

“Watch this.” The teacher tried to move the bottle. The baby's eyelids fluttered and she started sucking. The teacher chuckled. “Isn't she something?”

“I'm going out for a while.”

The teacher's head swiveled around.

“I mean,” Raina added, “if that's okay.”

“Where? Alone?”

“No, with my biker boyfriend. We're going to Tijuana to get married.”

The teacher sighed.

“I'm meeting this girl at the library. We're working on something for school.”

“Raina, you know I don't like you out at night. And you shouldn't make plans before checking with me.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“You think that's funny?”

“No.” But it was, in a nice kind of way. Before, no one cared where she went or what she did. She was on her own. Now she had a curfew. “I'll be home by nine-thirty.”

“Nine,” the teacher said. “How are you going to get there?”

“Walk.”

“At this time of night?”

“It's only five blocks. Okay, I'll run. Will that make you feel better?”

The teacher smiled uncertainly. “I'm still trying to get the hang of this, Raina.”

“I know. You worry too much, Miss Johnson.”

“Raina?”

“What?”

“You can't keep calling me Miss Johnson.”

“Why not?” She couldn't call her Mom. Maybe someday. Maybe never.

“It just sounds kind of odd,” the teacher said. “Let's start with Peggy and take it from there.”

“Okay. That's fine. I'll see you later.”

“Nine o'clock, Raina. Don't forget.”

“I won't.”

She bent down and kissed the sleeping baby, her lips brushing the teacher's hair.

Chapter Twenty-Six

THE WHITE HORSE

by

Raina Johnson

The white horse came into our lives one night

on the draft leaking under the front door
.

Mama was holding it at the kitchen table

when Bobby and I woke up the next morning
.

A tiny horse the color of burning ice

danced and pranced on the palm of her hand
.

We'd always wanted a pet but we were poor
.

“This one's so small, it won't eat much,” she said
.

Bobby longed to take it to school for show-and-tell
.

“No,” mama said. “Someone might steal it.

The white horse will be our secret.”

Mama loved the white horse. Its tricks made her smile
.

She didn't look tired after work anymore
.

Outside, winter howled at the door while

springtime bloomed on Mama's cheeks
.

The white horse loved Mama. It hated us
.

It snapped at Bobby when he sat on her lap
.

“You were teasing it, Bob. Get down,” she said
.

The white horse purred on her knees like a cat
.

Soon the white horse was as big as a dog
.

It followed Mama everywhere she went
.

She didn't have time to help us with our homework
.

The white horse gobbled up all her attention
.

Some nights, they left the house together
,

the white horse on a leash wrapped around her wrist
.

“We don't like being alone,” I told her
.

“Take care of your brother,” Mama said
.

The white horse ballooned to carousel-size

with staring eyes and a frozen mane
.

On crystal wings it flew around the room
,

Mama astride its back, laughing
.

The white horse grew bigger and bigger
.

“He's eating everything!” Bobby said. All the food in the fridge. In the cupboards too. The TV set
.

Mama's paycheck. Bobby and I needed new winter coats
.

“Stop whining all the time,” she said
.

Every night Mama flew on the bright white horse
.

Some mornings she could not get out of bed
.

She felt too tired to go to work
.

Our voices hurt her head
.

She forgot to pack our lunches and give us kisses
.

Keeping a horse inside was against the law,

so our friends couldn't come to the house anymore
.

Mama closed the curtains to hide the glow that

rose like steam from his shining skin
.

Bobby and I had to turn away
.

It hurt our eyes to look at him
.

The white horse ate the couch and the dining room set
.

It devoured Bobby's bike. It grew bigger and bigger
,

filling the whole house, warping the walls,

crashing through the roof so the rain fell in
.

Mama didn't notice. The sun was still shining

where she and the white horse were flying
.

“We've got to do something,” I told my brother
.

BOOK: The White Horse
3.2Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
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