Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (31 page)

loving your body will change the world
loving your body will change the world

[ CHAPTER THIRTEEN ]
[ CHAPTER THIRTEEN ]

H
ere's a little pro tip:

It's really important to remember that it's okay to have days when you don't love yourself.

In fact, while I was writing this book I had many (
many
) horrible body days, one of which was so devastating that I felt unable to function and most certainly unable to look in the mirror. The ironic part? That particular day fell on a trip where I was headed to lecture a group of students on why loving your body is important and ten ways to do it. Those ten things? I do them religiously. And I STILL have horrible body days.

There's a quote I make everyone I know read that comes from coach and writer Mara Glatzel:

It's hard to be a fat girl. No matter how much you tell yourself how sexy, talented, amazing, worthy, fabulous, and genius
you are, there is some pretty serious backlash you are facing on a minute to minute basis. And, I'll tell you, I consider myself pretty tough and persistently body positive, but it's not easy to be kick-ass all the time. Especially when someone tells you point blank to your face that you are fat and you need to lose weight or you will . . . (insert really scary reason here usually culminating in the fact that you will be fat, alone, and unlovable until you lose some weight).

And I absolutely guarantee that inside every phenomenal kick-ass fat positive role model is the tiniest inkling of doubt and fear, and every once and a while, when you are feeling a little vulnerable, even the toughest, most awesome girl can be tripped up, even if they refuse to admit it. I'll even go out on a limb and say that I believe this wholeheartedly—anyone who tells you this is lying. This is not to say that we should just succumb to the cultural standards and get all weak in our knees when someone calls us fat. We will keep fighting and loving ourselves no matter what and becoming role models for other women to follow in our example, BUT there has to be some room for honesty in the equation. And honestly? It is not always easy being a Body Image Warrior.
¹

We have to realize that we learn and internalize that we are not okay throughout
our entire lives
. For me, that's over a quarter of a century's worth of self-hate, indoctrination, and brainwashing. It's going to take a lot longer than you think to reverse this thinking, and it's definitely not going to happen overnight. It's not about having 100 percent positive days; that would be unrealistic. It's about working toward having more good days than bad. Even if it's just one extra confident day a week . . . that's progress.

Allow yourself to have “weak” days. Cry, mourn, sob, yell, throw things. Whichever. Then get up, brush yourself off, give the media the finger, and move forward because you're a fucking warrior, okay?

Okay. So if y'all were to try this shit that I wrote in some book, what would happen? What would be the payoff?

If we were to embrace everything I just typed out for days on end hiding in my room until I ran out of episodes of
Agent Carter
and
Arrow
to watch, my fingers started bleeding, and my cats forgot who I am . . . what's the payoff?

Well, first and foremost, our lives would be awesome. We'd shrug off the ridiculous standards that are made up to hurt us, flip the bird at every billboard, take care of our brains, ask for help, treat our bodies with kindness, take pictures of ourselves, walk without apologizing, eat that motherfucking tiramisu, wear that shirt we love, kiss that person we like, get that job we know we'd be good at, try that new position in bed, teach our kids some kindness, tell ourselves we're amazing every day before we walk out the door . . . y'know. Basic awesome stuff.

And hot damn, that's GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

But there's actually more.

See, if you're doing that—and I'M doing that, and HE'S doing that, and SHE'S doing that, and THEY'RE doing that—there's a whole lot of awesome shit going on at the same time. And this is gonna impact our world a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean a shit ton.

If people let GO of this oppressive thought that they're not good enough, that the way they move around in this world isn't good enough . . . I bet big things will change.

I bet we'll see happier days. Happier days and higher self-esteem. I bet we'll see self-induced depression minimized. Mental illnesses will never go away, no . . . but those created as a result of us being told we're inferior will. I bet we'll see increased goal setting. By adults, by kids, by adult kids . . . everyone will have one less barrier to success. We'll see vacations happening! People with thousands of additional dollars and finding better ways to spend them. I bet we'll see productivity increase in all areas; now that we're not so preoccupied with trying to cover up our flaws, we'll have time on our hands! I bet we'll have better communication and excellent relationships. We'll feel lovable and
be able to love. We'll be able to communicate with loved ones, friends, family, and coworkers better than ever before. And I have absolutely no research to back this up, but I have a feeling that there would be more sex. If you want it, you'll have it . . . and, dear god, a world full of orgasms is one I DEFINITELY want to live in.

Kindness would ensue. The race toward perfection would end. Equality would find its place. Judgment would decrease. Diversity would be more diverse. Health care would be unbiased. Hiring processes would become fairer. Compassion would make a comeback. Connections would be made. Everyone would get a seat at the motherfucking table.

Okay, fine. I'm a little bit of an idealist.

But real talk: If we were all to embrace the concept of body love—every single one of us—we would be breathing life into our communities on a monumental level, and our world would shift into a more copacetic and compassionate place.

And the cool thing about all this change? It starts with one person at a time.

Me. Her. Him. Them.

And you.

Because your decision to make a life shift toward body love isn't one that can be made by someone else, and even better, it can't be taken
away
by anyone else. It's an internal decision that no one else can touch. It's yours, and if you decide you're okay, guess what? You're okay. If you decide you're beautiful . . . you're beautiful. If you decide you're perfect just the way you are, in fact
you are perfect just the way you are
. And no one can touch that.

We get to look the status quo straight in the eyeballs like a badass bitch and say: I'M NOT BUYING THAT ANYMORE.

We all deserve to have a life that is full, fulfilling, successful, and happy. And that looks different for everyone depending on what they prioritize in life. But let me just tell you this: If you wanna make a shit ton of money, you deserve it. If you want to have a wide circle of really good friends, you deserve it. If you want a simple and beautiful living space, you deserve it. If you want three cats, you deserve it. If you want to become a slam poet, you deserve it. If you want a tiny apartment just to yourself, you deserve it. If you want a moment to read alone, you deserve it. If you want to start a new group in town to watch clouds, you deserve it! If you want to just exist in peace, you deserve it. YOU, my love, are the creator of your life. Only you. And so decide what it is that you want. Know that you deserve it. And work toward it in whatever way you decide. Be the motherfucking captain of your own ship.

And I
know
opportunity isn't equal. That life isn't fair, and sometimes it's not even remotely kind. I know that sometimes gigantic barriers get in the way of that perfect dream we see in our future. But one thing that will never change in this world of ours is the fact that we need and deserve all the happiness, success, love, kindness, and joy we
can get our hands on. So don't let your self-doubts stop you; whatever you want . . . you already deserve it.

Now,
I have one last thing to tell you, so listen up.

You are fucking beautiful.
I'm saying this with a straight face and seriously meaningful look where I maintain eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. I know you may not feel like you fit into the category of gorgeous that our world has created. I know that it's hard. I know that it's a daily battle. But fuck their fascist beauty standards. The second you stop looking for someone else in your mirror and start looking at YOU is the second you will start to appreciate what you are. Stop looking for flaws. Stop looking for differences. You are perfect. You are more than enough. You are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And you are fucking beautiful.

Now say it with me.

resources
resources

N
ote: The body positive activism movement is multifaceted in the way that the feminist movement is multifaceted. There are different approaches, schools of thinking, and ways of learning, much like feminism and other movements as well. Of course, while pieces might move independently, body positive activism proponents all believe the same thing. Something akin to: All bodies are equal.

I've created a list of websites, blogs, social media sites, and resources for you that relate to body activism. I'm definitely not responsible for the content on these sites, because, y'know, I have zero control over what they post; as of now, though, I believe these resources may be helpful for you. If you find one that doesn't work for you or you disagree with, don't fret. Skip it and go find the ones that do!

Body Positive Websites

  
1.
  
365 Day Project:
www.365dayproject.org.au

  
2.
  
About Face:
www.about-face.org

  
3.
  
The Adipositivity Project:
www.adipositivity.com

  
4.
  
A Beautiful Body Project:
www.abeautifulbodyproject.com

  
5.
  
Association for Size Diversity and Health:
www.sizediversityandhealth.org

  
6.
  
Beauty Redefined:
www.beautyredefined.org

  
7.
  
Be Nourished:
benourished.org

  
8.
  
Be Your Own Beloved:
www.viviennemcmasterphotography.com

  
9.
  
Big Beautiful Wellness:
bigbeautifulwellness.com

10.
  
Body Image Movement:
bodyimagemovement.com.au

11.
  
The Body Is Not an Apology:
thebodyisnotanapology.com

12.
  
The Booty Revolution:
thebootyrevolution.tumblr.com

13.
  
Curvy Yoga:
www.curvyyoga.com

14.
  
Dr. Deah's Body Shop:
www.drdeah.com

15.
  
Everyday Feminism:
everydayfeminism.com

16.
  
The Fat Chick:
www.thefatchick.com

17.
  
Fat Girl Food Squad:
fatgirlfoodsquad.com

18.
  
Fat!So?:
www.fatso.com

19.
  
Fierce Freethinking Fatties:
fiercefatties.com

20.
  
Flat and Fabulous:
www.flatandfabulous.org

21.
  
Health at Every Size:
www.haescommunity.org

22.
  
A Healthy Paradigm:
ahealthyparadigm.wordpress.com

23.
  
Herself:
herself.com

24.
  
Isabel Foxen Duke:
isabelfoxenduke.com

25.
  
Junkfood Science:
junkfoodscience.blogspot.com

26.
  
Let's Queer Things Up:
letsqueerthingsup.com

27.
  
Linda Bacon:
www.lindabacon.org

28.
  
Move and Be Free:
www.moveandbefree.com

29.
  
Operation Beautiful:
www.operationbeautiful.com

30.
  
This Girl Can:
www.thisgirlcan.co.uk

31.
  
Women Using Art for Body Acceptance:
wuafba.wordpress.com

32.
  
And basically everything written by:

       
Lesley Kinzel:
xojane.com/author/lesley

       
Marianne Kirby:
xojane.com/author/marianne

Facebook Pages Worth Following

  
1.
  
Beauty Redefined:
facebook.com/BeautyRedefined

  
2.
  
Beauty Is Inside:
facebook.com/BeautyIsInside.page

  
3.
  
Bodies Born to Rise:
facebook.com/pages/Bodies-Born-to-Rise

  
4.
  
The Body Is Not an Apology:
facebook.com/The-Body-Is-Not-an-Apology

  
5.
  
Born to Reign Athletics:
facebook.com/borntoreignathletics

  
6.
  
Curvy and Confident:
facebook.com/CurvyAndConfidentFan

  
7.
  
Curvy Girl Lingerie:
facebook.com/CurvyGirlInc

  
8.
  
Curvy Yoga:
facebook.com/curvyyoga

  
9.
  
Fattitude the Movie:
facebook.com/fattitudethemovie

10.
  
Fit Villians:
facebook.com/ChichiKix

11.
  
Flat and Fabulous:
www.facebook.com/FlatANDFabulous

12.
  
Gala Darling:
facebook.com/xogaladarling

13.
  
Linda Bacon:
facebook.com/LindaBaconHAES

14.
  
More of Me to Love:
facebook.com/moreofmetolove

15.
  
Operation Beautiful:
facebook.com/OfficialOperationBeautiful

16.
  
Plus Size Mommy Memoirs:
facebook.com/plussizemommymemoirs

17.
  
This Girl Can:
facebook.com/pages/This-Girl-Can

18.
  
Tess Holliday:
facebook.com/TessHollidayOfficial

19.
Blogs

  
1.
  
Amanda Trusty Says:
www.amandatrustysays.com

  
2.
  
Brittany Herself:
brittanyherself.com

  
3.
  
Chronicles of a Mixed Fat Chick:
mixedfatchick.com

  
4.
  
Curvy Girl Lingerie:
curvygirlinc.com

  
5.
  
Dances with Fat:
danceswithfat.wordpress.com/blog

  
6.
  
Fat Girl, PhD:
www.fatgirlphd.com

  
7.
  
The Fat Nutritionist:
www.fatnutritionist.com

  
8.
  
Feminist Cupcake:
feministcupcake.wordpress.com

  
9.
  
Gala Darling:
galadarling.com

10.
  
The Militant Baker:
www.themilitantbaker.com

11.
  
Plus Size Birth:
plussizebirth.com

12.
  
Plus Size Princess:
plussizeprincess.com

13.
  
Tastefully Ratchet:
tastefullyratchet.com

14.
  
Virgie Tovar:
www.virgietovar.com/blog

15.
  
A Year Without Mirrors:
www.ayearwithoutmirrors.com

Body Positive Tumblrs

  
1.
  
The Adipositivity Project:
adipositivityproject.tumblr.com

  
2.
  
Beautiful Magazine:
beautifulmagazine.tumblr.com

  
3.
  
The Body Love Conference:
bodyloveconference.tumblr.com

  
4.
  
Body Posi:
body-posi.tumblr.com

  
5.
  
Body Positivity for the Modern Man:
bodypositivityforthemodernman.tumblr.com

  
6.
  
Chinese Fashion Lovers:
chinesefashionlovers.tumblr.com

  
7.
  
Chubby Bunny:
chubby-bunnies.tumblr.com

  
8.
  
Chubby Cupcake:
chubby-cupcake.tumblr.com

  
9.
  
Fat Art: fatart.tumblr.com

10.
  
Fat Can Dance:
fatcandance.tumblr.com

11.
  
Fat People Art:
fatpeopleart.tumblr.com

12.
  
Fat People of Color:
fatpeopleofcolor.tumblr.com

13.
  
Fit Villians:
fitvillains.tumblr.com

14.
  
Fuck Yeah Body Image;
fuckyeahbodyimage.tumblr.com

15.
  
Fuck Yeah Body Positivity:
fuckyeahbodypositivity.tumblr.com

16.
  
Fuck Yeah Hard Femme:
fuckyeahhardfemme.tumblr.com

17.
  
Fuck Yeah VBO:
fyeahvbo.tumblr.com

18.
  
Guatemalan Rebel:
guatemalanrebel.tumblr.com

19.
  
Halt the Body Hate:
halt-the-body-hate.tumblr.com

20.
  
Hey Fat Chick:
heyfatchick.tumblr.com