Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (20 page)
Questioning Gender
Gender is one of the most intricate and complicated parts of self-understanding. At birth, most of us are assigned a gender based on our genitalia. Depending on our body parts, someone (most commonly a doctor) declares us a boy or a girl. That assigned gender then interacts with the dozens of layers of gender-information that we gather throughout our lives—some that we are aware of, and some that are filtered through without us noticing. Music, newspapers, television shows, magazines, children’s toys, career fairs, and liquor advertisements all tell us what it
should
mean to be a boy or a girl. Infancy is painted in colors of pink and blue, and even before a child is born, studies have shown that the way people speak to the bellies of pregnant people is different based on whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl.
There are some people who feel they fit with the gender they were given at birth, but there are also people who feel this designation does not match. Gender identity describes a person’s subjective relationship to their own gender. Every person on this planet has a relationship to gender in some capacity—even if it happens to align with societal expectations in most ways. You may feel that the gender you were assigned at birth matches how you feel—this is referred to as being
cisgender
. Your child, however, might have a very different relationship to their assigned gender. They may feel that being labeled simply by their genitalia doesn’t fully or accurately express their identity. They might also feel that their genitalia is irrelevant to their gender identity, and that their gender identity is based on any number of different factors. Your unfamiliarity with this process can make for a very overwhelming and confusing experience. The key here is knowledge. The more you learn about gender, and about your child’s evolving understanding of their own gender, the closer you will be able to remain to them throughout their process.
In writing this chapter, we spoke to kids who were either questioning their gender or did not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, and to their parents. The following questions, answers, and stories were inspired and informed by those conversations. We encourage you to refer to the Glossary on
page 215
whenever you come across a term you haven’t heard before.
Q:
How is
gender identity
different from
sexual orientation
?
A:
In the simplest terms possible,
sexual orientation
refers to the people you are attracted to, while
gender identity
refers to you, as a person. The gender of the person you are attracted to—romantically or sexually—is what informs your sexual orientation, while your gender identity hinges on the gender that makes you, you. For some, gender is an either/or experience—they were assigned the female gender at birth but identify as male, and may transition accordingly. For others, gender is a complex network of understandings and identity does not hinge on an either/or, but rather an exploration of what those elements mean. These individuals may identify as something outside of “male” or “female,” as a combination of these gender ideas, or as constantly in shift or transition. There are many terms that are used in this conversation, all of which fall under the umbrella of
trans*
. That asterisk exists as a symbol of the variety of identities and understandings within the community. Here are some common terms and definitions, which are also found in the Glossary in more detail. It’s important to remember that these terms vary in meaning depending on how they are used and what they mean to the person who is using them.
cisgender:
A gender identity in which one’s assigned sex at birth correlates with how they socially, emotionally, and
physically identify (i.e., a biological male who identifies as a man is a cisgender man).- genderfluid:
A gender identity in which one views their gender as fluid and constantly changing. - genderqueer:
An umbrella identity describing someone whose gender expression or identity does not exactly align with the gender that matches their sex assigned at birth, and who views gender as more complex than either “male” or “female.” - transgender:
A word used to describe a person whose gender identity does not match the gender they were assigned at birth.
Gender identity does not directly inform sexual orientation, nor does sexual orientation directly inform gender identity. In other words, who you are does not exclusively determine what you like, nor does what you like exclusively determine who you are. Occasionally, there may be some overlap between the two, but that is not a certain, predictable, or common occurrence. The same goes for gender identity and sexual orientation. There is no way to determine one based on the other.
Q:
My child is questioning their gender. What does this mean?
A:
If your child is questioning their gender, this means that they may not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. If you’ve never questioned your own gender, this can be very hard to understand—so have patience with yourself as you begin to learn more about what is often a very complicated experience for both you and your child. As any child grows up, they begin to explore who they are and begin to question many different aspects of life: religion, future goals and career paths, political beliefs, cultural identity and, sometimes, sexual orientation and gender identity. Most of us struggle with some of these issues while having an easier time with others. Perhaps you never questioned the way you relate to the gender you were given at birth, but spent your adolescence exploring your spiritual beliefs, your political views, or your cultural history. The process of exploring and questioning gender is similar to these other explorations—you are reflecting on something about yourself that may or may not fit in with the concepts, ideas, and identities you had previously been given. The thing that sets the gender conversation apart from others is that it isn’t as easily spoken about in many households, so these explorations can feel very isolating for your child.
Try to be as supportive as possible. No one person has the same experience when it comes to understanding themselves, and
exploring something as complicated as gender is best done with people around you who support you and who are there to listen. Just as you cannot tell a person whom to be attracted to, what foods to like, what music to listen to, or what color their eyes should be, you also cannot tell a person how to identify when it comes to gender. You would likely be uncomfortable identifying as anything but the gender that you were assigned at birth (because for you, this matches how you feel)—use that imaginary circumstance as a bridge to understand that your child may be just as uncomfortable trying to “fit” the gender that they were assigned!
As with anything else, talking to your child about their process is crucial in understanding what they mean when they say they are questioning their gender. They might use terms to explain how they identify, and it is absolutely okay for you to ask for clarification on what those terms mean to them. Gender is a very personal experience, so there is not just “one” definition for most terms. Your child may come out to you as genderqueer, as transgender, or as something else entirely. If your kid is hesitant to open up and answer some of your questions, look to outside resources to become better informed about gender identity and expression. When possible, reach out to other parents who have had similar experiences—there are support groups in many communities, as well as many online communities where you can speak to others, ask questions, and share stories.
A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE
“I gave birth to a girl but raised a man.”
I have a photo of my son wearing a shirt that says “(FAAB)bulous.” While that means nothing to most people, for me, it stirs up myriad emotions. “FAAB” stands for Female Assigned At Birth. My son is transgender. He is male, but his road to manhood has been far more challenging than most. It has been a long road that he has not traveled alone.
My husband and I decided to have a baby right in the middle of graduate school; it seemed reasonable at the time. I gave birth two weeks after I became a Ph.D. candidate. Throughout Zak’s childhood, I told people that if he had been born a boy, I would truly believe in innate gender differences; this kid was much more like a stereotypical boy than girl. He was always a free spirit, never really fitting the traditional roles for girls his age; yet he didn’t fit the male mold either. While his female peers were doing their best to imitate female pop stars, he was the lone girl at local Pokémon tournaments. He was Harry Potter for Halloween in spite of how much he resembled Hermione. And oh was he upset when I wouldn’t let him get a haircut like Anakin Skywalker!
We just considered him unique in every way and defended him to a world impatient for him to “act like a girl.” His dad and I never cared that his gender expression didn’t conform to any set societal rules. I taught him how to negotiate shopping malls while his dad did the same out in the woods.
Society tried to force him into the box marked
FEMALE
. His first-grade teacher worried because he spent recess playing on his own with plastic dinosaurs. Her solution to the “problem” was to have playdates with the little girls from class. I asked him if he would like that.
“No. I’m fine.”
Well-meaning grandparents sent beautiful, frilly dresses. I asked him if he wanted to wear them.
“No, I just like my jeans and T-shirts.”
His early teen years were fraught with emotional upheaval. There were some very low times, and I was always grateful he made his weekly counseling appointments. When he was fourteen, he told us he was a lesbian. Well, that made sense! He seemed emotionally relieved and happier. Now he could cut his hair as short as he wanted, and people accepted that he eschewed dresses and shopped in the boys’ department. It was, however, a bit peculiar when he wrote a story in which the main character changed from a girl to a boy. I didn’t quite know what to do with that and simply chalked it up to his remarkable creativity.
His dad and I were both accepting of his sexual orientation but handled it in different ways. I started a PFLAG group and he worried endlessly about our kid’s safety. We went to several Pride events in those early years; me as a “PFLAG mom” and his dad as the protector, who’d stand back and scan the crowd for anyone who might threaten his beloved child.
College brought a whole world of new experiences, ideas, and people. By the end of his freshman year, Zak began to find the words to express his true identity. I learned all about the term
genderqueer
. For me, listening to him talk though and question his deepest sense of identity made his realization of being transgender easier to accept. I know he didn’t come to it lightly.
As you would expect, his dad worried about his safety even more. I can’t blame him because violence against transgender people is a
sad fact of life. Transphobia is still accepted even in places where homophobia is shunned—or at least isn’t expressed out loud. He worries and ruminates over the transition, but he loves our son unconditionally. As the father, he doesn’t receive the brunt of the “blame” for raising a transgender child. That honor goes to me, the mother. The prevailing belief is that I was too accepting of him first being a lesbian and then being a man. I was an easy target because I did not react as expected. The typical narrative for parents of transgender children includes being distraught, ashamed, heartbroken, and inconsolable. Some of my dear “virtual” friends in my transparent support group would surely attest to that. It just wasn’t my story. People close to me were concerned that I was either in denial or was pushing his transition. It was hard to express that it was neither. I didn’t feel the loss of a daughter because I thought of him more as my “child” than my “daughter.” Others thought that, had I insisted he accept his femininity, or at least not “gone along” with his transition, perhaps things would have been different. Of course they would have; our relationship would have been severely damaged. Not having the support and love from his family would have devastated him.
My seemingly instant acceptance of his transition made me a hero in the LGBTQ community and an enabling, negligent mother to the rest of the world. The truth is that I am neither. It isn’t heroic to love your child with all your heart regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. It isn’t negligent to allow your child to grow into their own person.
It is an emotional place to be, though: joy in my children, pride in the adults they have become, anger at those who reject the concept of transgender, rage at the violence and discrimination our transgender children face, and also awkwardness. I still feel awkward when I run
into someone I haven’t seen in several years and have to answer the question of how my “daughters” are doing. I know I could just brush it off with a quick “they’re fine,” but I can’t pretend that I have two daughters.
Our son turned twenty-three this month. He is married to an amazing woman and in graduate school to become a professor, following in the footsteps of his father, his grandfather, and me. Yes, raising this wonderful young man has been interesting. A journey I wouldn’t trade for anything. Only other parents of transgender children understand the daily roller coaster of emotions. Only we know how it feels when, eventually, this roller coaster slows and the ground beneath our feet finally feels solid. Only the mother of a transman can say: “I gave birth to a girl but raised a man.”
Sherri, 56