This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (3 page)

The knowledge that this is an ongoing process should relieve some of the pressure you may be feeling as a parent to do everything perfectly in those first moments. If your child has come out to you, or if you suspect that they may in the next few months or years, remember that you aren’t expected to know everything. The coming-out process can and should be an incredible learning experience for both you and your child. Have patience when things don’t go exactly as you’d imagined—this is uncharted territory!

Q:
My child just came out to me, and now I don’t know how to talk to them. Help!

A few days after I came out to my dad he commented, “Hey, so, that Gwen Stefani is pretty cute, right?” My immediate response was to turn the color of a beet, melt into a puddle, and slither underneath the carpet so that I might never have to see or speak to anyone again. Talking to my dad about cute girls was certainly not something I felt ready for at that stage of the game, and the moment was awkward. However, once a little time passed and I became more comfortable in my skin, the exchange began to take on a different meaning. I realized that my dad had simply been trying to connect with me, and I also found it hilarious that he chose pop-star commentary as a pathway to “father/daughter bonding.” I now joke with my dad about that moment any chance I get, and I have told the story to countless individuals who are panic-stricken at the thought of coming out to their parents
.

—
Kristin

A:
First things first: it is totally okay that you are feeling confused. This is not only a journey for your child, it is also a journey for you. You may suddenly be faced with many questions that had not occurred to you until this very moment. What will it be like to have a gay child? Will they be happy? What will
your
parents think? Does this mean you won’t have grandchildren? Many of these initial questions are addressed in more detail in
chapters 2
,
3
, and
4
. As with any other kind of growth or change, though, awkward and uncomfortable moments are going to happen despite your preparedness. Parenting any teenager comes with many new issues that are often difficult to navigate with complete ease, and sexuality, dating, and identity are just a few areas where conversations can feel a bit rickety on their first few go-rounds. These conversations may seem more intimidating now that you know your child is gay, but the key is trusting that those awkward moments are completely normal. Perhaps you accidentally referred to your daughter’s new girlfriend as her “special friend,” or winked at your son and mouthed, “He’s cute,” not realizing you were talking about his science teacher. Just like Kristin’s “Gwen Stefani Incident,” these moments can make for comical stories that last a lifetime.

Now, not every awkward moment is going to turn into a family touchstone, but the point here is that you shouldn’t be afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. You have never been a parent to a gay kid before, so this is all brand new. But you had also never parented a three-month-old, dealt with your child’s first day of kindergarten, or handled questions about a first dance before
those moments were upon you. Parenting is full of first times and involves occasional slips and falls. Parenting is also about growing along with those changes and learning from each experience. If you cause some embarrassment or anger, or you’re laughed at for confusing the name of a gay pop star with your daughter’s roommate from sleepaway camp, remember that you haven’t done anything wrong. You and your child are both navigating an ongoing, evolving relationship.

Overcoming the fear of those awkward moments is key in allowing you to dialogue with your child, and the next step is actually taking the plunge and talking to your child in this new, unexplored context. If your relationship before they came out was one in which you commented on possible crushes they might have or poked fun at them for wearing a polka-dotted bow tie to the dentist’s office, try to keep it consistent! If you now know that your son likes other boys, and it fits the way you spoke to him before, you can absolutely say, “So, is John just a friend or is he a
friennnnnnd
?” and then elbow him in the ribs. Sure, he might be embarrassed, but what you are communicating in that moment is that you love him no matter what, and that he doesn’t have to be afraid that your relationship will change just because he prefers to date a different gender than what you may have expected. If your relationship was one in which things weren’t spoken about so directly, you shouldn’t feel pressure to now act differently. What your child wants is consistency—there is no reason why their sexuality should affect the fundamental ways that you interact with each other.

Remember that your child has the same brain and the same heart that they had before coming out to you. Sure, they might develop some new interests now that they are feeling more comfortable in their identity—but just because their taste in clothing, music, or activities may change, that doesn’t undo the fact that they are still the same child whom you have known and loved for years. Allow yourself some room to readjust, to stumble, to hesitate in the wrong places, to say things in a way you didn’t intend. This is part of adjusting to something new, and the more you work on communicating, the easier it will become. If you can’t think of a good way to begin that journey, you have Kristin’s complete permission to ask your child if they think that {insert current pop-star name} is a total babe.

Q:
I accidentally found out that my child is gay. What do I do?

A:
Accidentally finding out that your child is gay is sort of like discovering a birthday present two days before your birthday. You’re stuck on the corner of “I know” and “but I’m not supposed to.” Many parents, panicked, practice their I’m-so-surprised face in the mirror so that they won’t hurt their child’s feelings when they do decide to come out. While your child’s sexuality isn’t quite the same as a birthday present (though that would be an interesting gift to wrap), that feeling of knowing something that wasn’t yet yours to know is always a tricky one to handle. You may be overwhelmed by the information and not know where to turn, or be worried that the wrong approach might make your child feel backed into a corner. You may feel hurt that your child has been keeping something from you, or wonder if you did something to make them feel they couldn’t talk to you.

If you are feeling railroaded by this information, try to take a few deep breaths. For many parents, this can be a large pill to swallow—it is completely normal for you to feel overwhelmed and a bit out to sea. It is important that you give yourself some time with the information before deciding how to proceed. Just as with many other things in life, impulse reactions are not always the best reactions, even when they are well-intentioned.

Also, recognize that your child’s decision to keep this from you is not a reflection on your abilities as a parent. We receive countless letters from kids who know their parents will understand and accept them, but who still have a tough time finding the right words and the right moment to talk about their identity. In a lot of cases, this isn’t something that they have clearly “known” for a long time, so working up the courage to talk about it can be difficult. Regardless of how you move forward with the information, you should try to trust that this “secret” is merely a part of their journey, not an indicator of a cataclysmic error on your part.

Your next steps depend on your relationship with your child. The information you stumbled upon might indicate that they very much
want
to talk about these things but are struggling with
how
—perhaps you overheard a phone conversation or discovered a note in which they specifically told a friend how scared they were to talk to you about their sexuality. If this is the case, you can absolutely help open that door and be honest with them about your accidental discovery.

If you decide to talk to your child directly:

• Make sure they know you weren’t intentionally snooping. Keeping and maintaining trust is key.
  
• Tell them as many times as you feel is necessary that you love and support them.
  
• Don’t say things like, “I don’t care” or “It’s not a big deal.” This may be a very big deal for your child. Even if you are completely okay and unfazed by the information, they should know that you
  do
  care—in a positive way.
  
• Allow them their gut reaction. Maybe they will be angry at first, or maybe they won’t want to talk about it further during this particular discussion. Let them know that there is no pressure to delve into things they aren’t ready to talk about at this point, but you are always there to listen to them.