Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (9 page)
(1) You and your child both want others to know, and your child would prefer to be the one to tell others.
Well, fantastic! This means your child is taking ownership of the experience, and since they are communicating something that is very personal to them, they’d like it to be done in their own words. The best thing you can do in this scenario is allow them the time and the space to tell others as they see fit, and let them know you are there for them if they ever want to talk about any of those experiences. Also, feel free to ask your child to keep you in the loop as things progress. If you think that certain individuals might have a harder time than others, you can absolutely have that discussion with your child beforehand. People will often surprise you and respond differently than you anticipate, but it is okay to tell your child that Aunt Becky might direct them to certain Bible passages or express less-than-positive religious views. This will give your kid a heads up, and may also inspire them to come out to that particular family
member in a different way, or with more materials at the ready. (For more on coming out to religious friends and family, you can turn to
chapter 6
.)
(2) You and your child both want others to know, and your child wants you to be the one to tell them.
This also makes a lot of sense. Your child is comfortable with who they are, but they are not yet experienced in having these conversations with relatives or family friends. They are looking to you because they need your help in tackling the task at hand. The best thing you can do in this scenario is talk to your child about what they would like you to communicate, specifically. It may be that they just need you to have that very first exchange in which all you say is, “Uncle Don, Lisa came out to us as a lesbian.” You can field questions in the initial back and forth, but your child will likely be much more confident answering follow-up questions once the proverbial cat is out of the bag. There may be specific words they would like you to use, and you might need more clarity on what certain things mean, so just make sure they are clear with you so that you can be clear with others! Also, look at the “What will people think?” question in this chapter, which goes over specifics on actually having the my-kid- is-gay talk with others.
(3) Your child wants everyone to know, but you are not yet ready to tell others.
You may still be dealing with your kid’s coming-out
moment yourself and need time to process that before sharing the news with others. That is a completely valid, totally understandable response. Your child has spent considerable time coming to understand themselves, but this is brand new for you and, as such, you may need some time to explore your feelings. Ultimately, this is your child’s decision to make—but asking for some time to ready yourself for those conversations is understandable. Explain to your child that you just need a little time to talk more with them and to understand things a bit better. It may be helpful to give them an idea of a timeline, so that you both are aware of when you can revisit the discussion. For example, you can say, “I absolutely respect that you would like others in our family circle to know about this, and I am happy that you are feeling comfortable and ready to have that conversation. Since this is brand-new information for me, I would love if you could give me some time to digest it and also ask some more questions. I would love to be feeling a little more confident as well when family and friends talk to me about everything. How about we sit down and talk about this again three weeks from today, and go from there? Does that sound reasonable?” If this is agreeable to them, do make sure that this is only a short, transitional phase. Keeping your kid closeted for any substantial amount of time can be extremely detrimental to their well-being, as it creates an environment in which they feel they have to lie about themselves to people close to them.
(4) You would like others to know, but your child doesn’t feel ready.
In this scenario, your child doesn’t yet feel comfortable with other people knowing about their sexuality, and they have come to you first with the information. Coming out is a huge step for a child (or anyone), and being able to have some control over who knows, and how they find out, is very important. If your child isn’t ready for others to know just yet, you should respect those wishes. This is a journey for you both, but at this moment it is your child’s process that should be put first. Allow them some time to navigate how it feels to be out to themselves and out to you before pushing them to tell others, or telling others on your terms. Revisit the discussion in a month or two, and check in to see how they are feeling at that point.
(5) You and your child are both hesitant about telling others.
Given this combination, it is important to remember that you should not feel obligated to tell people. It is not the responsibility of anyone in the LGBTQ community to be vocal about their identity—this is a personal choice and it can vary. Right now, this is between you and your child, and that relationship is most important. Support your child and try to talk about the things that are making you both feel hesitant. The more comfortable you become talking to your child, the more comfortable you’ll both be with the idea of telling others, should that be something that you’d like to do down the line.
A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE
“I didn’t know how to tell my friends.”
Zoe came out to me when she was eighteen years old. Up until that moment, we always had a good routine when it came to conversations—she’d tell me she wanted to talk about something and ask if it was a good time, I’d tell her I had to finish a couple of phone calls, and then we’d settle down to talk about what was on her mind. This particular night, though, I was lying in my bed not feeling so well, and in comes Zoe. She lays across me and says, “Mom, I have to tell you something.” I was like, “Really? You have to tell me now?” She was adamant. “Yes, I have to tell you now.” So, she did. She told me she was gay.
When it came to telling other people about Zoe’s sexuality, we mostly didn’t. I felt that, since nobody calls other people just to say, “My kid’s a heterosexual,” why should I call and make an announcement about my daughter? I didn’t think it was anybody else’s business, unless Zoe wanted them to know. But, of course, as with everything else, things were a little more complicated than they initially seemed.
A few months passed, and we were asked to go to dinner by our close friends—friends who have always adored Zoe. I told them that Zoe was going to be coming home from college that day, and they were thrilled and told us to bring her along. The complication was that Zoe was coming home with her girlfriend, Madi—and I didn’t know how to explain that to my friends. Instead of trying to find the right words, I simply said, “Well, Zoe is bringing a friend with her.” They, of course, immediately extended an invitation to her “friend.”
I told Zoe the day she was headed home that she and Madi were invited to join us all for dinner, but then explained that I hadn’t told our friends that the two of them were dating. Zoe drew a line in the sand. She said she wouldn’t go to dinner unless everyone knew that she and Madi were a couple. She didn’t want to lie. It made sense, and it was the first time Zoe had ever put her foot down about anything, but we had just a short amount of time before we had to leave. I didn’t know what to do. My husband suggested that we just tell our friends that Zoe missed the train, so that we could avoid the conversation entirely. At that point, our extended family didn’t even know. I had no idea what to expect. So, Zoe stayed home.
We went to dinner, and my friends, of course, said how they were so sorry that Zoe had missed the train. In that moment, I just couldn’t lie. I told them, then and there. I said, “Well, actually, Zoe did not miss the train. Zoe’s at home. She wants me to tell you that she’s gay, and that her friend is not just her friend, her friend is her partner. I want you to know, too.” They did not miss a beat. They asked me if she was happy, and I told them she was—she was really happy. The wife replied, “That’s what’s most important.” Her husband said to me before we left dinner that night, “I want you to tell Zoe that she will always be a daughter to me and I expect her to be at dinner next time.”
Michele, 58
Q:
Whom should I tell? Their siblings? Their grandparents? Our mailman?
When I came out to my parents, I was seventeen. My sister, Alyson, was twelve. My mom felt very strongly that Alyson was “too young to know,” and that having a gay sister might somehow influence her understanding of her own sexuality. In simplest terms, my mom didn’t want me to turn my sister gay. I didn’t agree with that reasoning, but at the time I felt that I should do whatever I could to stay in my mom’s good graces, so I obliged. I told my sister about three years later, when she was fifteen. She, as I expected, shrugged and moved along to bigger and better topics of conversation such as the origin of dinosaurs and the details of Einstein’s biography (she really likes science), and our relationship has never wavered. There was not a moment in her life when she viewed my sexuality as something that would impact her own. She identifies as straight, likes boys, loves boys, and dates boys—just as she always has. In retrospect, I wish that I had told her along with the rest of my family, because I knew then that she wasn’t “too young.” I’m her sister, and this is a part of who I am
.
—
Kristin
A:
If your child is in a place where they feel comfortable with you speaking to other people about their identity, deciding
whom
you should tell can be a bit overwhelming. Know that you are under no obligation to tell each and every person in your life that your child is gay. You certainly weren’t walking around saying things like, “Hey, just so you know, John is heterosexual,”
before your son came out to you. The same goes for having a gay child. There is no need to make a general announcement about these things unless you want to or there is an explicit reason to do so.
Generally, the people you will want to tell outright are the people whom you hold dear, and who have been in your life for a long time. Since these are also the people you’re likely to look to as sounding boards on personal matters, you can talk with them as openly as you always have. Telling your closest friends will enable you to talk about your thoughts on your daughter’s new girlfriend just as you would have if she had been dating a boy. When it comes to those outside of your main circle of friends and family, whom you tell is more of a case-by-case basis. If you live in a rather conservative area, you may decide to remain a bit private with your personal affairs. This, however, is not always the case. Different people walk different paths, and so long as you are doing what makes you and your child feel centered and supported, you are doing the right thing. There is no need to go as far as to tell the mailman, but if you are proud of your child and happen to be wearing a gay pride T-shirt when your mail is delivered, you can definitely explain why!
Because there are many different groups of people with whom you may (or may not) want to share this information, we have elaborated on the next few pages.
Oftentimes, it will be your child’s decision to tell their siblings just as they told you—when they are ready, and in their own words. However, there are some instances when
you
may be asked to tell your other children. Your child may prefer that you be the one to speak the initial words, if they are having a hard time finding the right moment. They might look to you to facilitate the conversation, or help them along in initiating that first exchange. Your child may also be out of your home, away at college or elsewhere, while their younger sibling or siblings are still at home with you.
If your child has simply asked that you initiate the conversation with their sibling for them, then you can (and should) tell your other kids. This will take different shapes depending on your personal (and varied) relationship with your other children. In talking to them, make sure to explain why you are the one telling them, that you support and love all your kids, and that they can come to you or their sibling with any questions they have.
You might also be questioning whether you should tell your other children because you are concerned about their age, and think they might be too young to fully understand. Kids are never too young to understand differences among people—if anything, they are much better equipped than those who have had a lifetime of learning what is “right” and “wrong” from the world around them. Children have
much more flexibility in understanding that it is possible for people to love each other in combinations that are not only boys and girls. Explain things simply.
John likes boys the same way that Daddy likes Mommy
is enough to communicate the message. Most young children will respond with a question or two and then ask if they can watch television. There are several children’s books listed in the Resources on
page 222
that can help you facilitate these discussions.