This Matter Of Marriage (9 page)

D
onnalee should have known. Sanford was too perfect. Too wonderful.

And this evening, she found that out.

He'd cooked her a fabulous dinner aboard his houseboat on Lake Union. The Seattle skyline and the snow-capped Olympic Mountains had served as a romantic backdrop. Afterward, when the sun had set and they'd finished their meal, they sat in front of the fireplace, cuddling. She leaned against the solid strength of his chest and he wrapped his arms about her. Every now and again, he'd bend forward to kiss her neck, taste her, tell her how beautiful she was. How desirable.

But now she understood why he'd never responded whenever she made comments about children or talked about family. Why he'd seemed distant.

He didn't want children.
She loved him, yet they wanted different things.

“Surely this doesn't come as a surprise,” he prodded gently.

That he would even ask told her how little he knew her. “It does, Sanford. It comes as a shock.”

“But if I'd wanted a family I would have married years ago. When I contacted Dateline I was specific about the type of woman I wanted. One who's as career-oriented as I am. One without children.”

“But
I
want a family. That's the reason I decided to go ahead with the dating service. I've always wanted children.”

Sanford released his breath slowly and leaned forward to rest his forehead on her shoulder. She felt his frustration as keenly as she did her own.

“Oh, Donnalee, I never dreamed this would be a problem.”

“I don't know what to say.” A heavy sadness weighed on her heart. There could be no compromise for them.

“I've never seen myself as a father,” Sanford insisted. “I have no desire to bring children into this world.”

“Perhaps in time?”

“No.” His voice was adamant, final. “I'm afraid this isn't something I'm willing or able to negotiate. I feel very strongly about it, always have. That's the reason I went ahead and had a vasectomy a few years back.”

Donnalee felt as though her heart had gone into a spiraling free fall. A vasectomy. He'd felt so certain about not having children that he'd had a vasectomy?

“I'm crazy about you, Donnalee,” he whispered into her hair. “I don't want to lose you.”

All these years she'd waited for a man like Sanford. He was everything she'd ever dreamed of finding. It excited her that he seemed to care for her just as deeply. He was a considerate lover, gentle and eager. He'd be a perfect husband.

But not as perfect as she'd once thought.

“Say something,” he urged, sounding anxious. His grip on her shoulders tightened. “It worries me when you're this quiet.”

“I've…always wanted a family.” She knew she was repeating herself, but it was the only thing she could say.

“We won't need children. We'll invest all the energy a family would require in each other. We'll build our dreams around each other and enjoy the freedom other couples our age will never know.” He spoke softly, persuasively of the future, painting a glittering picture of what their lives would be.

Donnalee closed her eyes and tried to let his fantasy carry her away. Tried to make herself accept his vision of the future. She tried, she honestly did. But what he described sounded shallow and empty to her.

They'd never argued before, never found themselves in opposing camps. So this, she realized, was a true test of how they would settle their differences.

“What if I said I couldn't continue to see you if you didn't agree to having the vasectomy reversed?”

He stiffened momentarily. “I don't want to think about that.”

“I don't, either,” she whispered. Then, because she was afraid, she twisted around to face him. “Kiss me, Sanford. Hurry, please, show me how much you love me.”

He answered her urgent demand with a hunger of his own, sliding her body down onto the thick carpet and lowering his mouth to hers. Soon they were panting and needy, eager to bridge whatever kept them apart. There had to be a solution. She'd find one, Donnalee vowed, rather than lose Sanford.

They never did make it to the bedroom. Their lovemaking was wild and abandoned, right there on the living-room carpet, with the log fire spitting and hissing beside them. Tears glistened in her eyes when they were finished, but she didn't let Sanford see.

It was in those moments of passion that Donnalee had finally grasped what was wrong. She loved Sanford and he loved her, but he held back a part of himself. While he gave her his body, he held back his heart—his deepest feelings. While his body filled and satisfied hers, he kept her at arm's length emotionally.

Now she knew why. Only when she relinquished her dreams would he commit himself wholly to her.

If then. If ever.

She understood that their relationship would have to be on his terms. Either she accepted them or broke this off now, before it went any further.

Donnalee closed her eyes and breathed in the warm musky scent of the man she loved. Children weren't everything, she told herself. She could pamper and lavish attention on her sister's brood, and eventually Hallie would marry and start a family. She'd love her sister's children and those of her friends; she'd make do. Sanford was right. They didn't need anyone but each other.

“You're quiet again,” Sanford whispered, then kissed her gently, stirring the fires he'd so recently quenched. “Tell me what you're thinking?”

“I'm not sure I can.”

“I need to know, Donnalee.” He took hold of her hands, interlocking their fingers, and pressed them against the carpet. Slowly he positioned himself above her. Their eyes met in the firelight.

“I love you, Sanford.”

“I love you.”

The urgency in his voice thrilled her. “If you don't want a family, then I have to accept that,” she finally whispered.

She saw the relief in his eyes, the gratitude.

“I'll make it up to you,” he promised, kissing her over and over. He rolled onto his back, taking her with him. “We don't need children, we never will, not when we have each other.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

He made love to her again, and this time he gave her everything she wanted—unreservedly gave her all that was in his heart.

Donnalee recognized this.

But she still felt empty inside.

“M
ark?” Hallie had never seen him like this. He was a stranger.

Now he grabbed her arm and steered her toward the condo.

“Tell me what's wrong,” she demanded.

She felt his hand tighten, as though he resented her questioning his order. “We'll discuss it inside,” he snarled.

Hallie tossed Steve an apologetic glance, not knowing what to say. He stood next to his car, his face hard. Was he waiting for her to ask him to intercede? One look at his clenched fists told her he was more than ready to do so. Meagan and Kenny hovered beside him, Kenny clutching his father's bowling bag with both hands. The kids seemed stunned, their eyes wide with shock.

Too numb even to think, Hallie unlocked the front door. Her hand trembled as Mark urged her to hurry, then followed her inside. “I notice you didn't mention that the
friend
you were helping was male.”

“Does it matter?” She didn't like his attitude or the way he'd embarrassed her in front of her friends. Mark was behaving like a jealous idiot, but it would do no good for her to get angry, too. One of them had to remain calm. Surely there was an explanation for his behavior.

“Damn right it matters.” He punctuated his words by repeatedly stabbing his index finger at her. “I'm not going to have any woman of mine—”

“I'm
your
woman?” This was news to Hallie.

“I paid two thousand dollars to meet you, bitch,” he shouted. “You damn well better consider yourself my woman.”

Hallie was so outraged she couldn't find the words to speak.

“Let's get something straight right now,” he went on. “You don't go out with another man when you're with me. Understood?”

It took her all of two seconds to recover. She met his look, her own anger spilling over. “For your information, I'm not your woman, not your bitch and not your friend. As of here and now, it's over. We're finished. Now leave!” In case he needed help finding the door, she pointed it out to him.

“I'm staying until you get this straight,” Mark insisted.

“Oh, no, you're not. You're going to walk out that door and never darken it again.”

“The hell I am!”

She planted her hands on her hips. “No man calls me a bitch. You and I are through. Now get out.”

“Just a minute here—”

“What part of ‘get out' don't you understand?”

The doorbell chimed and they both ignored it, too intent on staring each other down.

“Hallie?” Steve shouted from the other side. “Answer the door, damn it. Are you all right?”

Mark switched his attention from her to the front door and the sound of Steve's voice. “I suppose you're sleeping with him. That's why you turned me down, isn't it?”

His idea was so ridiculous she almost laughed. “I suggest you leave now before this gets any uglier,” she said without emotion. While she might have appeared outwardly calm, her heart raced, thundering wildly in her ears.

“We're going to settle this,” Mark said, his voice ominous.

Hallie wanted nothing more to do with him. She walked across the room and threw open the front door. “Leave. Now.”

Steve was now pounding on the patio door off the kitchen. “What's going on in there?” he demanded.

“Mark was just about to go, isn't that right?” She waited for him to walk out, but he surprised her by holding his ground.

“Okay, okay,” Mark said, sounding calmer, more in control. He raised his hands apologetically. “Okay, so maybe I overreacted.”

“Perhaps you didn't hear me,” Hallie said, her voice equally calm. “I want you to go. Now.”

Mark blinked, just as Steve raced around the house to the front lawn. “I believe the lady asked you to leave,” he said. His hands flexed several times, as if he was itching to help Mark out the door.

“All right,” Mark growled, pushing past Hallie. “If that's the way you want it, fine.”

“Don't come back, either,” she said. She stood on the top step, her arms wrapped around her middle as she struggled to ward off the embarrassment and bitter disappointment. She was beginning to doubt herself and her own judgment. Mark had seemed so perfect—until tonight. She shook with fury every time she thought about the way he'd claimed she was “his woman” and the ugly word he'd called her. She would never have guessed he was capable of saying such things.

Steve met Mark on the grass, apparently ready to escort him to his vehicle. With military-style precision Mark walked toward his parked car; halfway there he paused and turned around. “I still think we should talk this out,” he said, directing the comment to her and ignoring Steve.

Meagan and Kenny stood on the lawn a few feet away.

“I've heard everything I need to hear,” Hallie replied. “You aren't half the man Dateline led me to believe. Goodbye, Mark.”

From under the glow of her porch light, Hallie saw his eyes narrow.

“You do have something going with this caveman, don't you?” he accused. “I knew it the minute I saw you with him.”

“Get a life,” Hallie shouted, wondering what she'd ever seen in him. To think that only a few days earlier they'd been kissing on her couch and she'd actually been tempted to go to bed with him. It made her sick to her stomach, knowing she'd allowed herself to be deceived this badly.

“You aren't any prize yourself, Hallie,” he yelled back. “Take a look in the mirror if you don't believe me. No wonder you have to pay a dating service to find a man.”

“Belt him, Dad,” Kenny shrieked, punching the air a couple of times with his fist.

“Yeah, Dad, teach that creep a lesson,” Meagan joined in.

Mark hurriedly climbed into his car, slamming the door loudly. He revved the engine and took off with the tires squealing.

Hallie sank down on the step and closed her eyes, barely able to believe what had happened. Mark had shown up at her place tonight to
spy
on her, see who her friend was. Then when he saw her with Steve and his kids, he'd exploded into a jealous rage.

“You okay?” Steve asked with a gentleness that nearly brought tears to her eyes.

“Fine,” she said. “Hunky-dory.” But she was shaken to the core.

Kenny flew to her side. “Was that your
boyfriend?
” he wanted to know, sounding incredulous that anyone with half a brain would date a guy like that. Hallie didn't blame him.

“Not anymore,” she told him, and managed a frail smile.

“Good thing, 'cause that guy's a real jerk.”

Mark had succeeded in fooling her. From the beginning, there'd been signs of his possessiveness, his proprietary attitude, but she'd lacked the ability to interpret them. No, she'd refused to see them. While he was out of town this past week, he'd called her at the oddest hours, wanting to know where she'd been and who with. She hated to admit it, but his phone calls weren't because he'd missed her. He was simply checking up on her.

Hallie recognized now that because she so badly wanted a man in her life, she'd answered all his questions, spent hours reassuring him. She was ashamed to acknowledge that it wasn't only her desire for a husband that had blinded her to Mark's character flaws, it was also the money she'd invested in Dateline. Seeing that she'd paid top dollar to meet Mark, she'd been determined to make the relationship work, convinced that it should. After all, Donnalee's experience with the dating service had gone so well….

In retrospect, she told herself, if Mark thought
he'd
been shortchanged, it couldn't compare with how cheated
she
felt.

“She doesn't look so good,” Kenny whispered to his dad.

Hallie opened her eyes to discover Steve and both his children staring at her as if she were about to shatter and break into a million pieces. She was afraid she already had.

“Hallie?” Steve asked.

Hallie realized she was incapable of pulling this off. She'd put on a brave front, but now that Mark was gone, reaction had set in. She started to tremble visibly.

“Come inside. You need to sit down.” Steve carefully took Hallie by the arm, then led her back into the house. Meagan and Kenny followed.

Racing ahead, Meagan grabbed the pillow off the sofa and fluffed it up. Kenny got her a glass of cold water.

“Who was the jerk, anyway?” Meagan asked.

“Yeah. He's lucky my dad didn't kick his butt.”

“Kenny!”

“You wanted to, Dad.”

Steve didn't bother to contradict his children. “Maybe it would be a good idea if you two waited for me at home,” he suggested.

Both kids seemed reluctant to leave. “You sure?” Meagan asked in a soft voice.

Steve nodded. “I won't be long.”

Rarely had Hallie been more embarrassed. Her face burned. “I can't tell you how sorry I am, Steve,” she said when they were alone.

“You? What did you do that was wrong?”

“Dated Mark Freelander.” She shuddered as she said his name.

“You didn't know.”

Hallie just shook her head. What a fool she'd been. Marrying Mark would have been the biggest mistake of her life—and had his behavior tonight not forcibly opened her eyes, she might have done it.

“
You
didn't do anything wrong,” Steve repeated.

“I wore blinders,” she said, unable to forgive her own stupidity. “You know what it was, don't you?” She paused, but he didn't respond. “The money. I figured if I paid two thousand dollars to meet him, he had to be okay. I figured if there was anything wrong, the fault must be with me.”

“Don't you think you're being a little too hard on yourself?”

“No!” she countered sharply. Sitting still was nearly impossible. She stood and started pacing the living room. “Apparently I'm not the judge of character I thought I was.”

“Hallie, there's no need to blame yourself for this.”

“Why not? It's what I deserve.”

Steve sat down, reached for the glass of water Kenny had fetched for her earlier and drank it himself.

“Look at me, Steve. Really look.” She stood up straight, squaring her shoulders. Her gaze pinned his. She could trust him to tell her the truth; she didn't doubt that for a second. “Answer me this and don't spare my feelings. Is there something wrong with me?”

“Wrong?”

“Am I repugnant? Ugly?”

“Good grief, no.”

“Do I look naive or stupid?”

“No.” But this he said with less conviction.

“Then what is it about me that attracts major jerks?”

“Hallie, be fair. The first two were blind dates.”

“Yes, but Rita's a good friend and she knows me, and she hooked me up with Marv.”

“He's the one who made you pay for your dinner and dumped you on the freeway?”

Hallie didn't appreciate being reminded of the details, but nodded.

“The second creep was a colleague of your blind date's, sort of a blind date once removed, right?”

Again she nodded.

“You can't blame yourself for Mark, either. An agency trained in personality assessment set you up with him. He buffaloed them, too.”

“It doesn't matter,” she muttered miserably. “I'm finished.” She waved her arms dramatically, wishing she could obliterate the last three months of her life—except those ten pounds. She didn't want those back.

“Finished?” Steve echoed.

“With men.” She had a sudden craving for double-fudge macadamia-nut ice cream. It'd been Christmas since she'd last eaten anything cold and sweet, and if she searched her freezer, she'd be willing to venture she'd find a carton there.

“Don't you think that's a bit drastic?”

“Eating double-fudge macadamia-nut ice cream?”

“No,” he said, confused, “cutting yourself out of the dating scene.”

“At this point, no.” She hurried into her kitchen and opened the freezer door. Standing on her toes, she peered into the deepest recesses. She shoved aside her Weight Watcher frozen entrées and thrust her arm in, feeling around for an ice-cream container. There was none.

She rested her forehead against a stack of vegetarian lasagna. “No. No. No.” Oh, the unfairness of life, without even the consolation of ice cream. When she looked up, Steve was standing next to her.

“Maybe I should call a friend for you. I think it's a woman you need just now.”

Steve was right. On her way over, Donnalee could stop off at Baskin-Robbins.