Thunder Snow (Thunder On The Mountain Series) (15 page)

CHAPTER  TWENTY-SIX

T
he wedding was over, and Sam and Sunni opted to stick around. Jack and I offered to send them on a honeymoon, but they didn’t want to leave until after the High Peaks Art Festival the following month. Sunni had several paintings that would be on display, and she had others she wanted to finish.

Walking in the door a few days later, Jack kissed me senseless then asked, “What’s the occasion?”

The lights were dimmed, candles lit, soft music playing. “I know how much you love it, so we’re having steak and mushrooms and lots of goodies. Should be ready in just a minute, but if you’re going to kiss me like that, I’ll turn the grill off. Dinner can wait.”

“We have all night to feast on each other. Let’s not let this banquet go to waste. Did I miss a birthday?” he teased.

“Well, it’s an anniversary of sorts. Believe it or not, it’s been nine months today since I first saw your surly face in the Amber Rose."

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” he teased.

“Go wash up, cowboy, and I’ll get yer grub on.”

“You say such sweet things to me, ma’am. Coming right up.”

“Promises, promises. Remember that later,” I said as I headed into the kitchen.

“I don’t need to remember it,” he said softly, “because I never forget it. It always just is.”

Dinner was a tender and romantic affair. Soft music, candle light, sharing memories. I couldn’t have been happier.

“I have to go to Denver this weekend,” I said softly as I lay sated in Jack’s arms. “I have clients who sold their house last year and are finally ready to buy a new one. How silly am I that I hate the thought of being gone from you for a whole day? You are like a drug. Every day I wait for this feeling to lessen, but it doesn’t seem to go away.”

Jack continued to run his fingers through my hair in that special way – twirling it around his finger as he got to the end. Over and over and over again, soothing, drugging. I knew this was the perfect time to share my secret; knew there would never be a more tender time to tell him the news.

“Jack,” I started . . .

“Angel,” he said at the same moment.

We smiled into each other’s eyes, and he said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

I gently touched his cheek and said, “Then you go first, because I have something to tell you, too.”

“Ladies first,” he whispered. “I’ve put it off this long and am not anxious to rush in now, so go ahead, little one, what is it you have to tell me?”

“We’re going to have a baby,” I blurted. “I think it might have been the night of the big storm . . .”

His body had gone completely still. His fingers were no longer moving through my hair. I rose on one elbow to look at his face, his familiar face that was now motionless, the eyes that were suddenly unresponsive. “Are you upset? I know we hadn’t planned it, but I thought you would be happy.”

His eyes focused on me now, sort of. “How are you feeling?” he asked. An empty question, not because he wanted to know, but because it was expected? 

He unwrapped himself and stood up, stepping into his jeans. I watched his muscular body from behind, wanting to know what he was feeling. “Where are you going?” I asked as he walked into the front room, buttoning his shirt. I scrambled out of the bed and threw on my robe, going up behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry, Jack, I should have prepared you better. I didn’t think you’d be so shocked.”
 

“I’m not shocked, Callie. Just thinking, that’s all,” he said as he continued to stare out the front window.
 

He had called me Callie. Not ‘little one,’ not ‘angel,’ not ‘lover’ . . . Callie. He only called me Callie in public. “What did you want to tell me, Jack?" I wanted him to talk to me. Talk to me about anything. I wanted to touch his soul, to have him look at me and tell me it was going to be all right, that WE were going to be all right.
 

“Nothing important,” he responded hollowly. “You get some rest. I’ll see you soon.”
 

“Where are you going?” I asked, the desperation coming through to my own ears.
 

“I remembered some things I need to take care of. I need to get them done before Thursday. I’ll stay at my place tonight so I can get an early start.”
 

“Please, Jack, please stay. Please don’t leave. Let’s talk this out.”
 

“Nothing to talk out. It will be okay, I just need some time to think.”
 

“Time to THINK?” I asked incredulously as I pulled away from him. “Time to think about WHAT? Whether or not you want to be a daddy? A little late to wonder about that now!”

In my own ears, I sounded like a shrew. I wasn’t going
to beg him.
Step back, Callie, step back. Let him go
, I told myself. I could feel the tears starting to sting my eyes.
Dammit. Don’t you DARE cry in front of him. He just needs to get used to the idea, that’s all. Let him leave.

He looked me in the eyes now. He touched my cheek. He kissed me on the forehead, “It’ll work out, Callie. Just give me a little time.”

And then he was gone. Time? He needed TIME? Why wasn’t he thrilled? He LOVED children. He would make a perfect father. In my wildest dreams I couldn’t have imagined he would react this way. I was not going to let it upset me. I had enough to deal with. I had a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, and I needed to get some sleep. I was always so tired these days, and this encounter had absolutely drained me.

Throughout the night I would reach for him, needing him, wanting his arms to comfort the hurt in me. It would get through to my consciousness that he wasn’t there, and the tears would gently fall until I fell back into troubled sleep. My mind refused to accept that he might go to ground again. I wasn’t sure I could survive it. Not now. Not after all we had been through. Not with the baby. Surely I had to be wrong.

There was no way I would have mentioned it to Marge when I arrived in Denver. We were busy all day with contractual obligations, and it was a blessed relief that I had something to occupy my time, my mind. I hadn’t heard from him since he left last night.

Hello, my friend. PLEASE call.
I didn’t care if I sounded desperate, I wasn’t sure I could survive if he was gone, but I couldn’t possibly think that way. Surely he couldn’t leave like that, could he? Fortunately, there was so much to do that it was a diversion.

I’ll be heading home tonight. If you’re around, please, Jack, please, let’s talk

As I headed back to Nederland, panic started to set in. How would I be able to walk in there? Maybe he would be waiting for me. That thought was encouraging. Maybe I was totally wrong, and the fire would be lit and Jack would have a meal ready.

The lights were out and the house was cold. I didn’t know how I was going to open the front door. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to make it. I flipped on a few lights, and everything was as it had been. The chess set sat on the dining table. I let out a sob.

As I went to get firewood, I passed the stairs to
Callie’s Eyrie
. I remembered the day I came home when he had it finished. There was not a square inch here that he didn’t inhabit.
Please, God, let me be wrong. Let him be coming back.

I brought as much warmth as I could in the stillness. I fixed some eggs because I had to have something to eat, not because I was hungry. Were I not pregnant, I would have gone days without eating. I sat on the bed and opened my computer.

Dear Jack. You have to know what you’re doing to me. It’s so hard to even breathe. It’s like you took the breath from my body when you walked out. Please. There is no part of me that understands this. Even if you need time, don’t you think I need an explanation?

Dear Jack ~ I don’t know where you are, but you never leave me. My thoughts are so jumbled, and I keep writing, trying to make sense of it all. I’m home now, but I’m not alone. You are in every part of this house. There is not one place I look and don’t see you standing there, laughing at me, holding your arms open for me, kissing me. And somehow, I keep breathing. I’m not sure how, but I'm always surprised by it.

I lay down on the bed where we had spent so many memorable nights and mornings. My tears were making
the pillow wet, but I wasn’t even aware I was crying. I didn’t know how to stop. Sleep, blessed sleep, finally overtook me. I knew my body was weary, but I couldn’t shut my brain off. As much as I was able, I knew sleep was the best thing for me. Not only did the baby need it, but my sanity needed it. It was such a relief.

Neither Sam nor Sunni had seen him nor heard from him, and I knew both of them were concerned for me. Somehow, I made it through the day. I was becoming fearful of the nights. In the middle of the night when I woke up, I forgot for just a minute where I was, that Jack had been gone for three days. When I realized, the pain was so intense I cried out. I opened my computer and my fingers flew over the keyboard.

Oh, Jack. How can I bear this?

You were a lightning bolt

Out of a clear sky

How did I get here?

I was so content

I wasn’t looking for this

But there you were

We were immediately intense

Hostile, Playful, Flirtatious

Immediate sexual desire

Sexual need – Dear God

There was so much attraction

So much affection

So many words

We shared caring and friendship and love

There were embers, flaring at times

But the intensity of friendship

Outweighed it all

We would meet and climb the clawing, needing desire

The flames

Would take us back to gentle friendship

Only to flare again

‘We’ll be friends forever, little one’ – just words

I miss you so much

I’m so tired of crying

You would touch so often – text, emails, calls

So many words

Always words, always loving, touches

We were so far past you going to ground

You gave me love

You promised me honesty

You broke your promises

Was it all a lie?

‘We’ll be friends forever, little one’ – just words

I miss you so much

I’m so tired of crying

But you chose differently

Silence – painful deafening heart-piercing silence

No more words

Such intense pain

Such total loss

Is this best? Dear God, how can it be?

Does this mean you are stronger than I?

Or does this mean you never truly cared?

Where was the truth?

Where was the lie?

So much loss

So much emptiness

I just want to hide

I want to cry

I can’t stop my heart from bleeding

But more than any of that, I want to heal

How could you?

How can you?

How can you turn it off just like that?

How can we be so intense and then

The only intensity I have

is gut wrenching silence?

How can you scream so loudly into my heart

And breathe so tenderly into my soul

For so long – so often

And just not care anymore?

‘We’ll be friends forever, little one’ – just words

I miss you so much

I’m so tired of crying

Was it a lie? Were the words not real?

How could I have been so wrong?

Were we not past this?

How could you? – Don’t stop – stop

Just words

How could you so easily let go?

Be gone?

Be such a coward?

I thought I knew you

All right – let me go if you think it’s best

But where is our honesty?

Where are the words?

Was I so deceived?

How can I know in this silence?

Don’t lie – I need the truth

Silence has become your lie

It is breaking me

You KNOW me – why are you hiding?

Why are you cheating us?

Where is our core? Our friendship? Our caring?

‘We’ll be friends forever, little one’ – just words

I miss you so much

I’m so tired of crying

At every corner I search for my best friend

His shoulder to ease my pain

Friends don’t stab fatally

Without caring, do they?