Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (29 page)
SGT. JOE FRIDAY
(Jack Webb)
He supposedly said:
“Just the facts, ma’am.”
…But actually:
The no-nonsense cop said, “All we want are the facts, ma’am.” Satirist Stan Freberg spoofed he show on the 1953 hit record “St. George and the Dragonet,” in which he says, “I just want to get the facts, ma’am.” It was Freberg’s line, not Webb’s, that became synonymous with the show.
The Pacific giant octopus grows from the size of a pea to 150 lbs. in 2 years…and then it dies.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
She supposedly said:
“Let them eat cake.”
…But actually:
The queen was said to have made this sarcastic remark when told that many people in France had no bread to eat. In reality, French revolutionaries spread the rumor to stir up hatred for the monarch and support for overthrowing the crown.
ADM. DAVID FARRAGUT
He supposedly said:
“Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”
…But actually:
According to
The Yale Book of Quotations
, the Civil War admiral never uttered this famous rallying cry at the Battle of Mobile Bay in 1864. It appeared in print in 1878, but news reports and accounts of the battle make no mention of the phrase.
JAMES CAGNEY
He supposedly said:
“You dirty rat!”
…But actually:
It’s commonly assumed to be a line from Cagney’s film
Public Enemy Number One
, but the line isn’t in that movie…nor in any others. Where the misquote originated is unknown.
THE KING JAMES BIBLE
It supposedly said:
“Money is the root of all evil.”
…But actually:
Money is not evil; loving it is. The full quote is: “For the love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Timothy 6-7).
LORD ACTON
He supposedly said:
“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
…But actually:
The 19th-century British historian really wrote, “Power tends to corrupt. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.”
WILLIAM CONGREVE
He supposedly said:
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
…But actually:
Close, but not quite. In his 1697 poem “The Mourning Bride,” Congreve wrote: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”
Tanzania has a postage stamp featuring Michael Jackson.
We’re back with one of our regular features. Check out these real-life exchanges that were actually said in court, recorded word for word
.
Lawyer:
“Okay, we’ve talked at length about how the accident happened, is there anything we haven’t covered that you can think of, anything in your mind that you’re thinking about how the accident happened that I haven’t asked you and you’re thinking ‘he hasn’t asked me that’ and ‘I’m not going to tell him because he hasn’t asked me,’ is there anything?”
Witness:
“Have you lost your mind?”
Judge (to jury):
“If that be your verdict, so say you all.”
Two jurors:
“You all.”
Defendant:
“You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and sitting downstairs with a bunch of criminals.”
Judge:
“I have to do the same thing every day.”
Defendant:
“Yeah, but you don’t have to sit down in a holding tank with ’em.”
Judge:
“Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients.”
Q:
“Why do you handle the family finances?”
A:
“Because my mom and sister ain’t that bright.”
Q:
“Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don’t remember as to the details of your previous record?”
A:
“I don’t remember.”
Q:
“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
Q:
“She had three children, right?”
A:
“Yes.”
Q:
“How many were boys?”
A:
“None.”
Q:
“Were there any girls?”
Q:
“Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your mind, if you have one?”
Q:
“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
Belgium punishes those who haven’t voted in 15 years by not letting them vote for 10 more years.
Some facts about America’s favorite pastime—lawn care. (And when you’re done with this page, get out there and start mowing
.)
• An average lawn has six grass plants per square inch. That’s 850 per square foot—which can contain as many as 3,000 individual blades of grass.
• There are 50 million lawn mowers in use in the U.S.
• About 65% of all water used in American households goes to watering lawns. (In summer, that’s about 238 gallons per person per day.)
• According to the Environmental Protection Agency, as much as 5% of all polluting exhaust in urban areas is from lawn mowers.
• The first lawn-care book:
The Art of Beautifying Suburban Home Grounds
, published in 1870.
• The average lawn absorbs water six times more effectively than a wheat field.
• You can get a degree in lawn maintenance from Penn State University (but they call it “Turf Grass Science”).
• The most popular lawn ornament: the pink flamingo (250,000 are sold every year).
• There are about 40 million acres of lawn in the United States—three times the acreage planted with irrigated corn.
• AstroTurf was patented in 1967. It was originally named Chemgrass.
• Before mowers were in vented, lawns were cut with scythes (or sheep).
• A lawn absorbs 10 times more water on a hot day than it does on a cloudy day.
• A 150-pound man can burn 380 calories in a half hour of mowing with a push-mower.
• The average lawn grows at a rate of about 3 inches per month.
• A recent study found that about 65,000 people per year are hospitalized with lawnmowing-related injuries.
Q: Why are tennis balls fuzzy? A: To slow them down.
Uncle John loves old-time radio shows. Here are some of his favorites
.
D
RAGNET (NBC, 1949–57)
If you like to watch
CSI
or any other police “procedural” show, you have Jack Webb—
Dragnet
’s Sergeant Joe Friday—to thank for it. Webb came up with the idea for
Dragnet
after playing a forensic scientist in the 1948 movie
He Walked by Night
. Other cops-and-robbers radio shows were mostly flights of fancy, but Webb, the creator and producer of the show as well as its star, was a stickler for authenticity. He rode along with police officers on patrol and sat in on classes at the police academy, soaking up details that he put to good use in his show. Even the ring of the telephones and the number of footsteps between offices were exactly as they were at LAPD headquarters.
Things to Listen For:
Controversial subject matter.
Dragnet
was the first police show to tackle taboo topics, such as sex crimes, drug abuse, and the deaths of children. The grim storyline of the 1949 Christmas episode: An eight-year-old boy is shot and killed by the .22 rifle his friend got for Christmas. Gritty realism and attention to detail helped make
Dragnet
one of the most popular and long-lasting police dramas on radio. It has influenced nearly every police show—on radio and TV—since.
Note:
Good writing is one of the things that makes
Dragnet
so much fun to listen to;
bad
writing is what gives another Jack Webb radio detective show,
Pat Novak for Hire
(ABC, 1946–47), its appeal. The endless stream of cheesy similes (“When Feldman hit me I went down like the price of winter wheat,” and, “She was kind of pretty, except you could see somebody had used her badly, like a dictionary in a stupid family”) pile up like cars on the freeway at rush hour.
MY FAVORITE HUSBAND (CBS, 1948–51)
If you’re a fan of
I Love Lucy
, give
My Favorite Husband
a listen. Lucille Ball stars as Liz Cooper, the screwy wife of George Cooper, played by
Richard Denning. The show was so successful that CBS decided to move it to television in 1951. Lucy agreed on one condition: Her real-life husband, Cuban bandleader Desi Arnaz, was to play her husband.
Role reversal: The all-male Japanese Kabuki theatre style was invented by a woman.
YOURS TRULY, JOHNNY DOLLAR (CBS, 1949–62)
Detective series were commonplace during the golden age of radio. This one set itself apart from the pack by making Johnny Dollar a freelance investigator for insurance companies (instead of a typical gumshoe) and structuring the narration of the story as if Johnny was itemizing his expense account in a letter to his client. Each story began with “Expense account item one,” followed by another item or two to get the story rolling. The show ended 30 minutes later with the last item on the account, followed by the signature—“Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.” The gimmick worked: the show became one of the longest-running detective shows in radio.
INNER SANCTUM (NBC/ABC/CBS, 1941–52)
Before
Inner Sanctum
, the hosts of horror shows were as deadly serious and spooky as the stories themselves. Then came Raymond Edward Johnson, a.k.a. “Your host, Raymond,” who introduced each story with bad jokes and one morbid pun after another. He was the inspiration for all the smart-aleck horror hosts that followed, including
Tales from the Crypt
’s wisecracking Crypt-keeper.
Things to Listen For:
The squeaking door that opened and closed each broadcast—probably the most famous sound effect in radio history. The sound was actually created by a squeaky office chair…except for the time that someone fixed the squeak without realizing its importance. That forced the sound man to make the squeak with his voice until the chair returned to “normal.” Also, do you like tea with your nightmares? For a time Raymond was paired with Mary Bennett, the singleminded spokeswoman for Lipton Tea, who rarely approved of his jokes and always found a way to insert Lipton Tea and Lipton Soup into their conversations. Listening to how she does it is one of the best parts of the show.
THE LONE RANGER (Mutual, 1933–54)
The Lone Ranger
was one of the most popular radio shows of all time. It was targeted at children, but more than half of the listeners were adults.
If you listen you’ll understand why—crisp storytelling and vivid characters make the show a treat. Earle Graser, who played the Masked Man from 1933 until 1941, delivers a wonderfully over-the-top performance—sometimes he sounds like a crazy man who only
thinks
he’s the Lone Ranger.
Things to Listen For:
Tragedy struck the show in 1941, when Graser was killed in an automobile accident. For the next five shows, the Lone Ranger spoke only in a whisper until the producers found a replacement—Brace Beemer, the show’s longtime announcer, who played the Ranger until the series ended in 1954.
“I would like to be allowed to admire a man’s opinion as I would his dog—without being expected to take it home with me.” —Frank A. Clark
THE GREEN HORNET (Mutual/ABC, 1936 –52)
The Lone Ranger
was such a huge hit that the show’s creators, Fran Striker and George Trendle, decided to create a second show by bringing the formula into the 20th century. Like the Lone Ranger, the Green Hornet wore a mask and had an ethnic sidekick (his valet, Kato, a Filipino of Japanese ancestry). The Lone Ranger had a horse named Silver; the Green Hornet drove a car called the Black Beauty. Trendle and Striker even made the Green Hornet the Lone Ranger’s great nephew.
Things to Listen For:
The show had several announcers over the years. One of them was Mike Wallace, who later became a correspondent for the CBS-TV show
60 Minutes
. One more thing: In the early episodes, the announcer claims that the Green Hornet goes after crooks “that even the G-men (FBI agents) couldn’t reach.” In later shows that line was dropped, after J. Edgar Hoover complained that
no
criminals were beyond the Bureau’s reach.
CHALLENGE OF THE YUKON (ABC/Mutual, 1938–55)
Why stop at
The Green Hornet
? In 1938 Trendle and Striker reworked the
Lone Ranger
format a third time, this time moving it to the Alaskan Gold Rush of the late 1890s, and combining the hero’s sidekick and his animal companion into a single character, that of Yukon King, Sergeant Preston’s lead sled dog.
Things to Listen For:
Yukon King’s astonishing insight into the human condition: He growls and barks at the bad guys before they are revealed to be bad guys, and whimpers in sympathy when murder victims are discovered. “That’s right, King, he’s dead!”
These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?
Factory Orders Dip
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UN OR RAIN EXPECTED TODAY
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ARK TONIGHT
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SYCHICS
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REDICT
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ORLD
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IDN’T
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ESTERDAY