Read What Would Kinky Do?: How to Unscrew a Screwed-Up World Online

Authors: Kinky Friedman

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What Would Kinky Do?: How to Unscrew a Screwed-Up World

BOOK: What Would Kinky Do?: How to Unscrew a Screwed-Up World
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CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

A Message from the Author
 

Introduction

PART I * Advice on Life, Death, and Everything in Between

Unfair Game

Arrivederci Melanoma

A Pocket Guide to Mullets

The Five Mexican Generals Plan

Bring Him On

Epilogue

Strange Bedfellows

I Don't

Zero to Sixty

Tennis Anyone?

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

PART II * My Personal Heroes 

The Navigator

Don Imus Died for Our Sins

Animal Heroes

Tangled Up in Bob

Poly-Ticks

Two Jacks

Hero Anagrams

Ode to Billy Joe

The Back of the Bus
 

Lottie's Love

PART III * Advice on Writing

Killing Me Softly

Fictional Characters Killed Off by Their Creators

Talent

Strange Times to Be a Jew: Notes on Michael
Chabon's
Latest Novel

Don't Forget
 

A Tribute to Me
 

What Would Kinky Read?
 

Questions From a British Journalist—1999
 

Does Not Compute

PART IV * Advice on Going on a Journey 

Texas for Dummies

Never Travel with an Adult Child

How to Deliver the Perfect Air Kiss

Let
Saigons
Be Bygones

Wild Man from Borneo

Mad Cowboy Disease

Cliff Hanger

Robert Louis Stevenson in Samoa

Watch What You Sing

PART V * Advice on Coming Home

A Little Night Music
 

God's Own Cowboys
 

Shoshone the Magic Pony
 

The Hummingbird Man

How To Handle a Nonstop Talker in a Post-9/11 World

Social Studies

Gettin
' My Goat

Change,
Pardners

Coming of Age in Texas

Romeo and Juliet of Medina

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

 

Thanks to George Witte and Terra Gerstner at St. Martin's Press, and David Vigliano, agent. Thanks, also, to Sage Ferrero and Max Swafford.

As for the rest of the world, I simply offer the Reverend Goat Carson's Native American Thanksgiving prayer: Thanks for nothing.

 

A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

Regarding the Artist

he art and illustrations for this book were created by the world-famous, widely syndicated, often praised, often vilified, paralyzed genius, John Callahan. How does he come up with the ideas? I told you. He's a fucking genius. But how, might you ask, does he actually draw the illustrations? I'll let Callahan tell you in his own words: "I clutch the pen between both hands in a pathetic, childlike manner that endears me to millions of conflicted fans around the world."

The author is highly gratified that the illustrations for this book are the creations of the brilliantly sick John Callahan, one of the few modern American artists worthy of the name. Callahan's work is imbued with a rare, primitive, visceral integrity that often creates in me a mild state of sexual arousal.

There are a number of instances, indeed, when Callahan's art so perfectly mates with my prose that it is cause for celebration, and, perhaps quite understandably, causes many to masturbate like a monkey at the zoo.

John Callahan also writes songs. Many people like to sing and record John's songs. He has recently released a new CD that contains one of my favorite Callahan tunes, "Purple Winos in the Rain." As Waylon Jennings once told me, if I had a session tonight I'd cut it. Unfortunately, I haven't had a session in almost twenty-five years, unless you want to count a recent session with a large Bulgarian masseuse.

What Would Kinky Do?,
liberally decorated with Callahan droppings, should provide an entertaining diversion for the many among us who suffer from suicidal depression and whose lives are spiraling downward into tailspins of despair. Others, suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder, may find John Callahan's offerings enjoyable as well. And as for the rest of us? What the hell. Somewhere in all this horseshit there's got to be a pony.

 

 

 

BOOK: What Would Kinky Do?: How to Unscrew a Screwed-Up World
5.59Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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