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Authors: Erin Emerson

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“I’m pretty much done too.”
I answered. “Everything baked is on the heated serving trays. Everything chilled is in the fridge on the crystal platters. The red wine is on the buffet, so I think we’re all set.”

Kay walked into the kitchen, and started eyeing a little plate on the counter with a sampling of every item on my menu. “What’s this?”

“That is a sampler platter for y’all. Go ahead, there’s plenty. Besides, those are the ones with minor imperfections and I want everything to look just right!”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Kay said before popping an olive into her mouth. Lainey walked over and ate one too.

“Oh my God, these are delicious! Kay said they were good, but this is like a little piece of heaven. Where’s Jill? She better get in here before we eat all of the olives.”

“Jill doesn’t like blue cheese.” I said. “She only likes her cheese yellow and individually wrapped in plastic.”

“What do I like wrapped in plastic?” Jill asked as she emerged from the bathroom.

“Big dicks.”
Kay answered as she dipped one of the sweet potato wedges in blue cheese dressing.

“Oh please, the biggest benefit when I get married someday will be saying sayonara to condoms. Seriously, what are you talking about?”

“I was telling Kay and Lainey that you’re not a fan of blue cheese just that processed pasteurized crap.”

“Yum, grilled cheese sandwiches.
So what if I order off the kid’s menu? Chicken fingers, peanut butter and jelly, that’s my palate.”

“It’s not like it matters anyway.”
I said. “Jill hardly eats, so she’s not exactly my target audience.”

“What? I eat plenty. When I get busy, it’s not that high on my priority list.”

“Cate, you want in on this?” Lainey asked, holding up the last olive.

“I’m too nervous to eat, so that’s all you.”

Lainey shook her head. “Cate, there’s no reason to be nervous. Everybody who’s going to be here tonight will be here to support you.”

“I don’t even know some of these people. I sent the invite out to every chef I could find on a directory listing.”

Kay handed me a glass of wine and said, “Cate, it’s going to be great. A little pinot noir should help you relax.”

Like clockwork, there was a knock on the door at eight and people streamed in for the next fifteen minutes. I couldn’t believe how big the turnout was. There were at least 60 people. Kay and Lainey got the cold platters circulating, and Jill steered people to the table with the warm trays and the wedge salads. In no time, wine glasses were filled and people were putting my creations onto their plates. It was brilliant! I mingled and tried to contain my enthusiasm as people told me how delicious everything was.

Jill introduced me to Thomas, her restaurateur neighbor, who was very complimentary. He admitted with the kind of caution you would expect if he was confessing that he robbed a bank, that he used premixed salad dressings at his restaurant. He said that he had planned on making a change and that he would love to use my dressing! I was so amazed, I hugged him. He said he’d love to try more and asked if I was going to make vinaigrettes too. Before I could answer, someone tapped me on the shoulder. As I turned, my grin quickly faded. It was Barbara.

“Caa-aate, how are you?” She gave me the kind of hug where you hardly touch the other person except to pat them on the back. The irony of her patting me on the back was not lost on me as I wondered if there was now a knife protruding from mine. I have never been more grateful to have Jill standing beside me.

“I’m great!”
I said as I made every effort not to clench my teeth. Thomas excused himself to get more wine. “Barbara, this is my friend Jill, who was kind enough to host this party.”

“You have such a lovely home.”
Barbara eyed Jill up and down, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing when Jill did it right back to her without saying a word.

“I’m surprised to see you here.”
I said, wondering if I was the one making the diaper face now.

“My son is the chef at
Alouette. When he told me about this little get together, I couldn’t believe the coincidence. I figured I’d tag along and see how you’re holding up.”

I stood there speechless, unable to believe the bitch was still getting under my skin. Jill came to the rescue. “I’d say she’s doing more than holding up. She’s already well on her way to starting her own business. This
little get together
is just the beginning.”

Jill’s wording wasn’t lost on Barbara. “Well, I’ll let you girls get back to it. I just wanted to say hello.”

When I was sure she was out of ear shot I said, “I can’t believe she is here. Seriously Jill, what the hell?”

“You’re fine. Don’t let her get to you. This is one night, and it’s your night. I’m here. You’ve got Lainey and Kay here too, so the three of us we can keep her out of your way. You need to relax and keep mingling.”

I surveyed the room. “I don’t see Kay or Lainey. Do you think they ducked out back to smoke?”

“I doubt it, but why don’t you go look and take a few deep breaths? And Cate, if they’re smoking, don’t you dare join them. It’s already nine thirty. Since it’s a week night, people will probably clear out of here soon. You need to work the room and smelling like an ashtray isn’t going to get you business.”

I went to the back deck, expecting to see the tell tale red glow of lit cigarette tips, but they weren’t there. I
looked everywhere until the only place I hadn’t checked was Jill’s bedroom. It wasn’t like them to desert me. As I opened the door to Jill’s bedroom, I heard the unmistakable sound of vomiting. I walked over to her bathroom, and there they were. Lainey was kneeling in front of the toilet, and Kay was hanging on to the side of the bath tub. “Oh, no! What’s going on?”

Kay projectile vomited into the bath tub. Lainey lifted her head up just enough to meet my eyes. There was a trail of vomit coming from one corner of her mouth. “Honey, I think your blue cheese was the victim of some serious bacteria.”

“That can’t be! I just got it last week! It’s made from bacteria.”
Lainey put her head back down on the rim of the toilet bowl, which was also covered in vomit. “Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I grabbed some wash cloths from Jill’s closet, ran cold water over them and tried to wipe the vomit off Lainey’s face. Another wave came over her, and she threw up again, missing the toilet entirely.

There was a low mumble coming from the bathtub. “Get Jill” Kay groaned.

Panic stricken, I ran back to the living room. Jill was nodding and smiling to one of the guests. I caught her eye, and she waved me over. “Cate, this is Sean from Aria. Sean, this is Cate, the woman behind the blue cheese.”
He put his hand out, and I shook it. It wasn’t until I saw Jill and Sean staring at my hand like I was a leper that I realized I was still holding the wash cloth, which was covered in vomit.

“Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Shit! Did I get it on your hand?”

“Yes, you did. What the hell is it?”

Jill grabbed a cocktail napkin from the table and handed it to him.

Sean stared at his palm. “Is this vomit?” He practically yelled, and the room got so quiet you could have heard a pen drop. Instead there was only the sound of Kay and Lainey retching, which might as well have been choreographed with the sound of another guest throwing up into the kitchen sink.

The woman at the kitchen sink looked up and said, “I’m sorry. Someone was in the other bathroom. I couldn’t make it outside.”
Then there was the sound of heaving coming from the hall bathroom too, followed by the sound of everyone else’s keys jingling as they began a mass exodus.

I wanted to die, or at least hide in Jill’s bedroom, but I stood there and apologized profusely to the few people who hadn’t made it out the door yet. There wasn’t a single friendly face. They gave each other sympathetic looks, but they were all glaring at me. As luck would have it, Barbara was still in the room. For the first time, she had an actual reason to make her diaper face, which was in full effect. Of course she couldn’t just leave, she had to say something. “Well I’m glad I didn’t eat anything. You’ve certainly outdone yourself this time.”
I stared at my toes and blinked hard, wishing that I was Samantha from Bewitched; that I could open my eyes and everything would be magically fixed.

When I opened my eyes, the only person left in the room was Thomas. “Listen, I don’t want to be a dick, and I think this goes without saying, but I’m going to need to cancel that order.”
I nodded and bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from streaming down my face. He turned and walked out the door just as the dam of my lower lids flooded over. I walked back to Jill’s bedroom. Kay and Lainey were on her bed, their eyes closed. Jill was in the bathroom, spraying disinfectant around the toilet. She looked up and sighed, “Well lady, no one can see you didn’t make an impression.”

I cried and said, “Let me do that. This is
all my fault. I can’t let you clean it up.”

“I got it. Already cleaned up, just spraying again to help the smell.”

“Are they O.K.?” I nodded my head in Lainey and Kay’s direction.

“Yeah, they’re fine. I brought them ginger ale and water. They’ve kept that down. It’s out of their systems; they probably just need to sleep it off.”

“Can you sleep off food poisoning? Oh my God, I poisoned everybody.”
I could just picture everyone that came, bent over a toilet, literally throwing up my hope for a future.

“Well, they already put back everything they ate. I don’t know. It’s one of the benefits of my eating habits. The stuff I eat could probably survive for years in a bomb shelter.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m so glad that you’re not sick, but if the upside is that you’re the only person I haven’t made violently ill tonight, my life sucks.”

Jill cocked her head to the side, “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?
The sound of my life going down the shitter?”

“It’s coming from the bedroom.”

We looked in, and there was Kay propped up on one elbow with a goofy grin. “I said it could be worse. Your life could suck uncircumcised cock.”

Lainey didn’t open her eyes, but she smiled, “Or wrinkled old man cock.”

Kay sat up, “Or teeny tiny 3 inch cock”

Lainey opened her eyes and giggled, clutching her stomach, “…Or crooked cock.”

Kay’s turn, “Or never heard of man-
scaping cock.”

“Are y’all feeling better, or do you just have a long list of undesirable cocks on file in your heads?”

Kay stood up slowly and said, “Or sweaty, salty cock.”

Lainey said, “Cate, name some bad cock. I’m not getting off this bed until you do.”

Jill handed me a glass of white wine. I hadn’t realized that she left the room. “Are you hearing this shit?” I asked, incredulous that they were speaking, especially to me. Jill answered laughing, “Or can’t stay hard cock.”

“Cate, name some bad cock, dammit.”
Lainey was sitting up now.

I was completely drawing a blank. I desperately racked my brain, since the least I could do after making them sick as dogs was participate.
“Pee Cock!” I yelled like I had discovered a cure for the illness I had spawned! “P-E-E Cock!”

Three voices in unison yelled “
Ew!”


That’s disgusting. I’m getting up.” And with that Lainey grunted and got off the bed. It was almost a miracle, like Lazarus, she rose up and walked.

 

CHAPTER 5

Dear Oprah,

Things aren’t going so well. I still know I can make something of my life, but I’m off to a rocky start. My first business endeavor after the layoff wasn’t quite what I had anticipated. I know that’s part of life, you can’t succeed every time, but I didn’t plan on having such a colossal and public failure. I keep telling myself that it’s ok, that we all fall down and get back up, that we all have things that hang over our heads. A long time ago when you admitted that you had done drugs before, it was like you needed to let go of your secret shame. At first everybody was talking about it, but now that’s old irrelevant news and it seems they all forgot. I wouldn’t have remembered either, except my attempt to start a business was so disastrous that someone said I must have been smoking crack. So I failed once, miserably. This doesn’t mean I am destined to become a failure. I know you’re network hasn’t had the best ratings, but I’m sure things will pick up soon. And at some point maybe my current public humiliation will be old news too. I’m going to do my best to
hold my head up high and move on, taking more than a few pointers from the woman who does it with the grace of a queen.

Regards,

Cate

P.S. How long did it take for everyone to quit talking about the drug thing?

 

My voicemail is full. I’m so humiliated; I can’t bring myself to answer the phone. Rachel called, so word of my sickness inducing soiree has inevitably spread through my old office. Barbara probably relished relaying every minute of it. Alas, I am stuck to my couch, watching Lifetime and wishing I could stay here forever or until people forget what a loser I am, whichever comes first. Worse than that, I can’t even wallow in my own misery without being acutely aware of how selfish it is, after making people I care about sick, and the embarrassment I inevitably caused Jill by doing so in her home. She kept saying that I had to quit harping on that, but it’s true. I was on the verge of a fresh batch of tears, the only thing I’ve produced in the last week, when there was a knock at my door.
Papa John’s is fast today
, I thought. I had to order pizza since I can’t bring myself to open the fridge and look at blue cheese or anything associated with it, and opening the door for food delivery has been the only thing motivating me to shower.

When I opened the door I discovered that it wasn’t Papa John’s. Kay and Lainey walked in. “Alright Missy
,” Lainey announced, “You can’t hide in here forever.” I didn’t agree, but no point in arguing so I just said “I thought you were Papa John’s.” as I made my way back to the couch.

Kay sat down beside me. “Look, I know you want to hole up in here, but that’s not going to do you any good.”
I stared at the TV. Cheryl Ladd was on the screen, again. That woman must be in a hundred Lifetime movies. “So pack your bag, the three of us are going to the beach.”

I thought she had to be kidding, but she wasn’t.
Lainey’s in-laws had a condo on the beach in Destin, and we had use of it for an entire week. Despite my protests that I couldn’t possibly take a vacation, since I didn’t have a job to take a vacation from, they were set on it. Lainey reasoned that the three of us hadn’t been on a trip together in years, and that with a free place to stay I couldn’t say no. Aside from the fact that I didn’t deserve an escape, I couldn’t come up with any reason to stay in town either. By the time the pizza came, it was settled. After we ate I would pack a bag and we would head to the beach.

After a seven hour drive, and my promise to quit apologizing and lamenting over how blue cheese can spoil for no
discernible reason, we were finally there. The condo was nice, with three enormous bedrooms; their vacation home was at least five times the size of my full time residence. It looked like it had been decorated professionally. It was so fancy; I didn’t feel like I belonged there, but I wanted to.

Kay went to bed not long after we arrived. Lainey and I sat on the upper deck with a bottle of red wine. I
was relaxed, listening to the sound of the ocean, with the perfect night breeze on my face. Lainey said, “This is just what we needed, a little piece of heaven.”

I nodded, “I could stay here forever. Do you think your in
-laws would mind if I moved in here?”

“That would be a little awkward.”

“Couldn’t you just say that you got them a cabana girl?”

“I doubt I’ll be talking to them a whole lot after Michael and I get divorced.”

“What?”

She drained her glass quickly. “Things aren’t working out.”

“Since when?
I thought you were so happy?”

“We were, but…things just changed.”

“Does Kay know?” Lainey looked at me like I’d asked if the ocean was going to still be there in the morning. “Shit Lainey, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“Why would you? I’ve been off in every direction, following Michael wherever his work takes him. All the while with a stupid ass grin on my face, faking it so well it took the last six months for me to see it for what it is.”

“God Lainey, here I’ve been with my head so far up my own ass, I didn’t even realize…”
I thought about how I’d run my mouth the whole drive down, like I was the only person in the world with a problem. I’d even envied Lainey’s perfect worry free life.

“You think you’re the one with your head up your ass? I’ve been so self absorbed with trying to make my marriage work, never realizing that I was the only person trying, that I’ve been a shitty invisible friend to
everybody. Feels like I’m the prodigal friend, crawling back with my tail between my legs.”

“No, you haven’t.” I said, trying to put a little conviction behind the words but remembering how Kay had bitched up a storm when Lainey first started the disappearing act. “What makes you think Michael doesn’t want to make it work?”

Lainey filled our quickly emptied glasses and took a long sip, “Well when he said, ‘Lainey, I want a divorce’ that was my big clue. I’d been pressing him to go to marriage counseling, since it felt like we had been growing apart almost since our honeymoon. Do you know that on our wedding night, he spent two hours replying to emails?”

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“You could start by saying what I tell myself, ‘Lainey, you’re a dumbass for quitting your job.’ I should have known better.”

“You are not a dumbass. Why is it that you are so hard on yourself, but you’re so easy on everybody else? If I were in your shoes, you’d be telling me that I’m fabulous and that I made decisions in good faith with the information I had at the time. You’d say that everything was going to be fine.”

Lainey looked up at the wooden beams on the ceiling of the deck, quiet for a minute. “You’re right. I don’t know, maybe because I saw it coming. I’ve had months to look back in the rear view mirror of my marriage, and let me tell ya, the signs were there. It was red flag central, but I just ignored it, carrying on like everything was fine. It’s weird though, the last month or so things had gotten better. We were getting along great.”

I remembered how the same thing had gone through my head; that James had been noticeably more attentive in the months before I caught him cheating on me. When I found out that he had been sleeping with his boss for a while, and the night I walked in on them hadn’t been a sole indiscretion, I was baffled. “I hate to even bring this up, but do you think he’s having an affair?”

“No. He’s not like that. Besides, he doesn’t have time for an affair, anymore than he’s had the opportunity. I travel with him everywhere he goes. Travelled, I should say. I’m going to have to get used to us being past tense. Cate, I haven’t worked in two years. And now, I don’t even have what I started with. I’ve lost touch with all of my old friends, not to mention my work contacts. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Lainey rubbed the top of her diamond on her wedding ring, like it was a genie that could provide an answer.

“He’s not going to leave you high and dry is he?”

“No. Well at least he says he’s not, but that stuff can change as soon as the attorneys get involved.”

I wanted to offer some reassurance that it wouldn’t be that way, but I didn’t know Michael. I had only met him a handful of times. “Do you really think it will be like that?”

Lainey looked at me and asked, “Have you ever heard anybody say, ‘well the divorce went better than I thought’?”

She was right, and we both knew it. We finished off another bottle of wine, not enough to lighten the load, but enough to get us to sleep.

The next morning Kay made a pitcher of spicy bloody marys. It was too cold to lay out, so we walked on the beach then got in the hot tub. We sat in silence for at least ten minutes before Kay said “God, I didn’t realize how much I needed this.”

“Me too!”
Lainey and I said in unison.

“Jinx, you owe me a coke!”
Lainey yelled. We stayed in the hot tub until we all looked like prunes.

Every night we were on the deck by sunset, with more wine. I went for long walks on the beach every day, even though part of me just wanted to sit around feeling sorry for myself. When I was alone with my thoughts I tried to think about what I wanted to do with my life. I was finally ready to take a chance and find my own slice of happiness, create my own destiny by finding fulfillment, yet I had no idea what I wanted. Who gets to the age of thirty without knowing what they want to do with their life?

More than a little grateful that no one seemed to think I should give my blue cheese dressing venture another shot, instead of feeling like a quitter I tried to figure out what to do next. Since we were both unemployed, I thought about asking Lainey if she wanted to go into business with me, but after my last attempt had gone so poorly and without an idea what kind of business to start; I was too embarrassed. Besides, she had enough on her plate. It was obvious
that while we were there she was mourning the end of her marriage.

Kay slept late, but my body didn’t get the memo that I had been laid off and woke up every morning at six
-thirty. And every morning I got up and found Lainey sitting on the deck with a cup of coffee, staring at the ocean. I wanted to say something that would bring her just a little bit of comfort, but even though I had gotten my heart broken with a promise to marry, I hadn’t been married. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. I was familiar with the look though, not having energy yet unable to sleep, staring at something far away, but unable to focus your eyes on anything up close. I’d worn it for weeks on end after James cheated on me. Despite my certain ineptitude, after a few mornings I joined her on the deck for coffee in hope that company might suffice even if I didn’t have the right words.

I opened the sliding glass door to the deck with the coffee pot in hand. “Want a refill?”

“Don’t mind if I do.”
I filled her cup and mine before sitting down.

“Listen, I can’t pretend that I know what you’re going through.”
Lainey went back to staring at the ocean. “I know it’s not the same, and what you’re going through is probably so much harder than I can even fathom. When James and I broke up, I thought I would never be myself again; like it would take a million years for this ache to fade, this sadness that had invaded my whole body. I just want to say that I know you’re going to get through this.”

Lainey turned her head, looking me straight in the eye. Even though she looked exhausted, her voice was strong. “Honey, pain is pain. You can’t compare grief.”

“I just wouldn’t want you to think I was trivializing it. James and I didn’t even make it to the altar.”

“You don’t have to make it to the altar to know what it feels like to have your heart broken. The circumstances aren’t what give it magnitude. When your world feels like it’s been shattered to a million pieces, it doesn’t hurt any less or more because of the details.”
She turned her head back to the sea, and we sat in silence until Kay woke up and joined us.

It’s amazing to me that the three of us can always find something to talk about. You would think that at some point we’d run out of things to say, but I guess when you really know each other, there’s always more to talk about. The week went by so fast. Before I knew it, it was our last night, sitting on the deck with the last remaining bottle of wine. I felt like a kid who just found out that summer
is over, and it’s back to school on Monday.

Kay said, “You know, when I think of being old, I think of the three of us, still on a porch somewhere, probably a nursing home.”

“What about Jill?”
I asked.

“She’ll be there too.”
Lainey answered with a smile. “I just wonder where we’ll be a year from now.”

Kay said, “Hopefully at the beach. Everything is nicer with the sound of waves as background music. You two will have your mojos back, and be better than ever.”

“What about you, Kay? What do you want this year?”
I asked.

“I guess I just want everybody to be happy. And…I want to be in love. I’m ready. I’m tired of being single, tired of dating. I can’t remember the last time I met somebody that I was excited about. It seems like now that I’m thirty-five, every guy I meet is married or divorced with kids. I don’t think I want kids, much less somebody else’s kids, but I haven’t even liked anybody enough for it to be an issue.”

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