With All My Love (44 page)

Why? Why? Why? What had happened between Valerie and her father’s family to make her sever all ties?

What difference did it make now anyway? She wasn’t interested in hearing her mother’s explanation. It was too late. How she wished she hadn’t found that letter. It was true, ignorance
was
bliss. She made herself a mug of tea, placed the croissants and cereal on a tray and carried them outside to the patio where Katie had her dolls perched on the table.

This should have been so perfect. Such an opportunity to relax and recharge her batteries and enjoy her time with her mother. Briony could hardly eat the croissant she felt so angry with Valerie, and queasy to boot. Not even the lemon blush of the early morning sun on the sea could calm her troubled spirit. She sat, tense and irritable, hoping that her mother wouldn’t appear until after she had gone up to the town. But there was silence from inside and an hour and a half later she and Katie set off on their jaunt, with no appearance from Valerie, much to Briony’s relief.

Valerie woke from a deep sleep and lay immobile for a few moments in that perfect state of waking when all is well until the realization hits that something has changed. A memory of that first morning after Jeff’s death surfaced, of waking up, feeling normal, and then the sudden shock of comprehension that everything had changed utterly.

Now she remembered that Briony had found Tessa’s letter. Now she remembered how she hadn’t gone to sleep until dawn’s kiss had caressed the eastern sky. Suddenly alert, she sat up, straining to hear Katie’s merry chirruping, but there was nothing, only stillness and silence. Fear struck. Surely Briony wasn’t gone?

Valerie threw back the sheet, jumped out of bed and hurried out of her room. She felt almost limp with relief when she saw Katie’s teddy on her bed. But then she remembered Briony’s declaration that she was going to get a flight home. That was probably where she’d gone: to book a flight in one of the internet cafés. Valerie had slept so late and so soundly after her restless night, she hadn’t heard a sound. She went back into her bedroom to open the shutters, heavy-hearted. Her mobile rang and she almost jumped out of her skin. Valerie saw Lizzie’s number flashing up.

‘Hi,’ she said dispiritedly, gazing out at a profusion of pink, violet and scarlet blossoms.

‘What’s up?’ Lizzie said crisply. ‘I rang to see how things were going.’

‘I think Briony’s gone to book a flight home.’ Valerie burst into tears.

‘Oh dear,’ Lizzie groaned. ‘Like mother like daughter. She’s
so
like you sometimes.’

‘What am I going to do?’

‘Stop bawling. That won’t help.’

‘That’s easy for you to say,’ sniffed Valerie crossly. ‘Try and be a bit sympathetic.’

‘I
am
, but, honey, this day was bound to come. You’ve always known it might,’ Lizzie sighed.

‘Why? Lizzie,
why
do I have to go through all of this again? It’s unbearable,’ Valerie protested. ‘I hardly slept a wink last night remembering it all. God, it was so real. It was like I was living it all again – all that pain and shock and sorrow.’

‘Sometimes, if we have issues to resolve and we haven’t faced them, we have to deal with them. It’s a last clearing for you before you can move on,’ Lizzie said patiently.

‘But I
have
moved on, for crying out loud. That all happened so long ago.’

‘Eh . . . noooo! You ran away to Dublin, and didn’t go back. You weren’t honest with Briony and that has to be attended to. Life has a funny old way of catching up with us.’

‘Why do you think like that? How can you say those things with such authority, Lizzie?’ Valerie said irritably.

‘You know why. Because that’s what life has taught me. When I lost my babies I had to go deep inside and search for answers. I had to face my pain and grief and bitterness and anger. I didn’t run away from it for as long as you did, although I did run away and hit the bottle for a while. You know that. You got me through it. I’m not saying this to be in any way judgemental or unkind – you know that too. And I did seek and I asked for help and it was given to me. Now you’re being taught – in a difficult way too, I’ll admit – that issues can’t be buried deep, that issues will always come calling to be resolved. But the great thing is, we don’t have to do it alone, Valerie.’

‘But I don’t want to revisit the past, Lizzie,’ Valerie groaned.

‘Well, unfortunately sometimes we have to do that to let it go. Do you think it was a coincidence that Briony discovered Tessa’s letter on Jeff’s anniversary?’

‘Well, yes, that was a bit strange, to say the least,’ she conceded.

‘Not strange in the slightest. And not a coincidence either. Rather a synchronicity, deah, as our lovely Mrs M would have said.’

‘What the hell are you wittering on about, Lizzie?’ Valerie said, exasperated.

Lizzie laughed. ‘Think outside the box, Valerie. Who would want to see Briony and Tessa and even yourself and Tessa reconciled?’

‘Lorcan? But sure, how could he have planned it or organized it? I haven’t seen him in years.’

‘Not Lorcan. Close, though.’

‘Lisa?’

‘Outside the box, Valerie,’ prompted her friend.

Comprehension dawned. ‘
Jeff!
You’re saying Jeff planned it?’

‘Haven’t I
always
told you he’s still around you? Haven’t I told you about The Mothers and The Fathers who are always guiding us and wanting the best for us?’

‘You’re saying Dad is involved too!’ Valerie exclaimed derisively. ’Now I
know
you’re mad.’

‘Of course he is.’ Lizzie was unperturbed. ‘He wants the best for you and Briony. Now that he’s passed beyond the veil he knows what life is all about and why we’re here. He’s remembered who he is and where he came from. So now his love for you is unconditional and he would love it if you could make your peace with him too. All of this is happening for a reason, Valerie. It’s for healing. You must make your peace with the past if you want peace of mind and contentment,’ Lizzie said gently. ‘It really is time to let go of the old hurts and sorrows. You don’t need them any more. They’re only holding you back. It’s toxic energy – get rid of it.’

‘Are you saying I should get in touch with
Tessa
?’ she squawked, incredulous.

‘Briony will be, I should imagine. Do you
really
want to live the rest of your life with all that baggage, and go to your grave bitter and twisted?’

‘Oh, for God’s sake, I’m
not
bitter and twisted, Lizzie,’ she said defensively.

‘Is that right?’ said Lizzie drily.

‘I’m not.’

‘I’m just asking, do you still want to carry all that stuff, Valerie?’ Lizzie said airily. ‘Now I have to be off, I’ve got to bring Lady Gaga to school today, because it’s pissing out of the heavens over here, unlike the Costa del Sol. I’ll phone tonight.’

Valerie laughed in spite of herself. ‘And how is the darling girl?’

‘Stomping around upstairs in a huff because, and I quote, “Like, no one in this house understands me. You’re, like,
ruining
my life!” American TV has so much to answer for. Every second word is “like”, and don’t get me going about “lol”. It makes my teeth grit.’

‘I don’t get that one either. It’s a bit daft,’ Valerie agreed. ‘And why’s her life being ruined? Thank God all that’s behind me.’

‘Because she wants an iPhone and she’s not getting one. She has a perfectly adequate BlackBerry. For crying out loud, I have a Nokia that came out of the Ark. Lol,’ Lizzie snorted.

‘It was far from iPhones and BlackBerries we were reared,’ Valerie remarked.

‘OMG! Valerie, how
could
you? That’s the kind of thing our mothers used to say. We’ve officially turned into our mothers,’ Lizzie exclaimed aghast. ‘Soz! I’m, like, just not having it. I am
not
my mother. Lol.’

‘Soz? What’s
that
?’

‘It means sorry. Don’t you, like, know
any
cool lingo? Better go, hon. Love ya. Let me know what’s happening.’

‘I will. Bye, Lizzie. Thanks for ringing. You’re such a pal, even if you
did
say I was bitter and twisted.’

‘No probs! Think about what I said and if anything resonates go with it. In the end we all have to find what best works for us.’

‘Yeah, OK,’ Valerie agreed unenthusiastically.

‘Trust me on this one. It’s all happening for a reason, and I know that will drive you mad – it used to drive me mad when I was going through the hard stuff and my counsellor would say it – but I’m telling you, now you think it’s one of the worst things that’s ever happened to you, but you will look back on this and see it’s just the opposite,’ Lizzie said firmly. ‘Talk soon.’

Was Lizzie right? How could this possibly be a good thing for any of them? Could it be even remotely true, that Jeff was making all this stuff happen, Valerie pondered, straightening the bedclothes and fluffing the pillows. But to think that her father would want to be close to her took a bit of getting used to. A sudden memory of finding the envelope in her bag with three hundred pounds in it and her name written neatly in Terence’s looping script popped into her head. Judas money, she had called it at the time, but she had kept it as a little nest egg in the Post Office in case she ever needed it. And the strange thing was, she never had. Even though things had been tight, financially, she had never wanted for money. She had always managed. Lorcan had given Carmel a letter with the cheque from the insurance company and another cheque with his savings from the Credit Union and she had put that money aside for Briony’s education. He had said in his letter that whenever she felt ready to come back to them there would always be a welcome and much love for her and Briony, and he hoped that day would come soon.

Valerie sighed. Poor Lorcan, she had always felt bad for him about what she had done, but she had never forgiven Tessa. They were elderly now, Tessa and Lorcan. In their seventies. It was hard to believe. Was Lizzie right? Should she make some effort to see them now that Briony had discovered the letter? Would the door be slammed in her face? It would not surprise her if it was. There was too much anger and bitterness between them. Sometimes forgiveness wasn’t possible, she told herself. Some things could never be resolved.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flickering movement. She turned her head just as two white butterflies dipped and danced in exuberant flight in front of her. How strange! Lizzie was always telling her to look for signs and she would get them. Could it be a sign from Jeff? From her dad?

No, this was mad stuff. It might be Lizzie’s way of thinking but it wasn’t hers, Valerie decided. Anything could be a sign if you wanted it to be. A butterfly was a butterfly and nothing else. And then she remembered that first day in the house in Dublin all those years ago when she and Briony had gone to post the letter to Lorcan, and a white butterfly had danced ahead of them and she had felt sure that Jeff was with them.

C
HAPTER
F
ORTY

‘Have you booked a flight home yet?’ Lizzie’s voice floated down the airways, clear as a bell.

‘I’m going to as soon as Katie’s spent her pocket money. She’s on a spending spree that would put the Arab sheiks to shame,’ Briony said, surprised. ‘How did you know I was going to? I suppose Mother went running to you,’ she added sarcastically.

‘I’ve just been talking to your mother, yes,’ Lizzie said calmly. ‘
I
phoned her, actually.’

‘And did she tell you how she’s lied to me all these years? Did she tell you I found a letter from my grandmother that she kept from me?’

‘I know all about your grandmother, Briony,’ Lizzie said gently. ‘And I know all about your mother, and your dad. It’s a long and complicated story. And that’s why I don’t want you to book a flight home. Do you want to repeat what’s happened to you, with Katie? Do you want Katie coming to you in the years ahead, demanding to know why
you
stopped her from seeing her grandmother? Is that what you want?’

‘You’re taking her side,’ Briony protested, glad the shop was empty, apart from the young Chinese girl who was serving behind the counter. No one could hear their conversation, and Katie was engrossed in her shopping. The shop was an Aladdin’s cave for a little girl intent on spending. Briony moved half-way down an aisle where she could carry on her conversation and keep an eye on her daughter. ‘It was unforgivable what Mom did, Lizzie. She should be ashamed of herself and you shouldn’t be defending her behaviour,’ she said heatedly.

‘I’m not defending anything and I’m not taking anyone’s side, darling. I do feel so sorry for you, and for Tessa and Lorcan, but I know why Valerie took the decisions she took. It was a very, very hard time in her life. Will you promise me one thing?’

‘What?’ Briony said sullenly.

‘Don’t book your ticket for twenty-four hours. Just give it that much. And don’t get into an argument with your mother.’

‘I want to go home,’ Briony argued.

‘I know, love, but please, just give it another day or two and let the anger dissipate. Then make a decision,’ Lizzie pleaded. ‘For Katie’s sake.’

‘Aw, Lizzie, that’s not fair. It’s emotional blackmail.’

‘I know. But I’m your godmother, and it’s my duty to try and keep you on the right track. You really don’t want Katie in a situation like this in years to come, now, do you, in all honesty?’

‘All right then,’ Briony said ungraciously.

‘You’re the best godchild in the universe,’ Lizzie praised, and Briony laughed in spite of herself.

‘I’m not a three-year-old, I’m thirty, for goodness’ sake.’

‘I know that, but you’re still the best godchild, darling. Ring me if you need to talk.’

‘OK, I will.’

‘Now go and put it all out of your head for a while and have fun with that gorgeous little sweetheart. And make the most of the sun. It’s raining cats and dogs here and it’s really cold. September my ass, it’s more like midwinter. Byeeee.’

Lizzie was something else, Briony thought wryly, watching Katie studying a selection of bracelets intently. She had already bought a Spanish doll, a cuddly toy and a hairband.