Women and Men (83 page)

She worried her feeling; she said she didn’t want to talk about the therapist she had been seeing for three months in Boston because it set up a triangle though she knew he wasn’t like that—just paid the bills, right?—but she
was
trying to hold on to some feelings she tended to discount, it was easy for her to let them get away: one was that she herself had been a reason he and Joy (she named her mother) had stuck it out as long as they had—she and Andrew, of course; and this made her more sad, or she tried to think but it was really more mad since she was thinking it had been
her
business when it had been
theirs.

But it was her life, and he was relieved to feel equality between the mad-sad point and how in late ‘76-early ‘77 she went on about not the maniacal aliveness of dioxin tinting pale cells palely and promising like a habit only the future chance to look back (dioxin in the food chain thus not the point but held to through her pedagogic rhythm which was her own well-known stubbornness now made into policy). But this label of "ordinary" her father gave himself. "Ordinary"?

But the future he was literally in . . . well she sort of chose not to see and he loved her too far to have to make her see he meant literally this four-dimensional picture that included him that he had hardly more than once or twice stated to anyone—stated to his wife, who almost believed him and was frightened to think he was not speaking out of craziness, and so did not quite believe him, at least quite early in his marriage.

But he could state it all to the South American woman Mayga so persuasively that almost at once she was giving Locus T Transfer of Two Persons into One New Libration-Colonist back to him like a reporter checking respectfully fact upon fact, template to jointed template of radiant, matter-turning force, while she was even lowering her voice (so we pick it up) when Spence had returned to the bar from having taken a call in the hotel lobby (Mayn knew all this without looking up), and Mayn said that though the lingo couldn’t have been there in 1945 or ‘6, he was sure he remembered Locus and some mid-space balancing of forces or powers which he had never in fact had any interest in except as factual-type matter that came like the dream he never had at night, though he had been told it was the memory not the dreams he was missing out on.

Had a lot of people instead to reflect on. So that Larry bicycling his own Manhattan Project north, south, west, then sternly east might bury all his toy suicides as they came into his unhappy head by the side of the road where journeyman suicides are s’posed to be buried even when, hard by a type-green traffic light, the pothole in question won’t any too soon have claimed the axle of a cab whose driver wasn’t lucky enough to carry as standard equipment an instant camera to record the waiting ever-empty insatiable grave:

So that his new friend—the joy of new friends, of
a
"new friend"!— Jim Mayn, before Lar’ was even thought of—may joke his way through and almost out of an evening with the lady Mayga who will hear him out beyond his staggered jokes designed both to stop the folly of what he’s revealing to her and keep him going to the end, well we remember the terrible fine blade of grass in the voice-over concluding Hollywood’s first atomic-energy movie for this was seen by him his senior year in the Walter Reade theater in ‘47, so powerful an ending that the audience were perfectly evenly divided two by two and one to one between those who were physically transfixed and paralyzed and those who were only mentally and did not hear themselves chewing or obliviously tearing wrappers off candy bars they should not have had left at the end of the first of a double feature, such a single blade of grass as whose atoms alone would power your beloved car (your first car!) from coast to coast of a continent as sentimental as it is adrift from an external point of view. So, scrambling his message a trifle, he nonetheless blew smoke by joking but literally from a cigarette first her way unthinking then in the other three directions thus all four (i.e., of the traditional Indian—and not just Indian!— directions, east west north south), like one of the People ceremonially beginning a journey as he recollected from somewhere as remote as the recent information that one day U-2 planes would see through forest-fire smoke.

The South American woman observed that as for such phenomena of nature or science, it was "one of yours" who had been interested in such only as it might have lain in a person’s experience for a time: but it was she who persisted: Now, the transformer bubble these people stand under before they are turned into frequency and . . .
recombined,
is it? at those distant points of Earth-Moon space—

—Shared.

Sure ... at those . . .

—libration points—

Yes, those are them, she said. This method of dissolving people, their. . .
mass,
is it? . . . how does it affect them when they arrive at the space colony and want to get back to themselves? I mean out of frequency and back to their regular bodies. Are they cleansed? improved? She smiled, but strangely not with doubt. You said two to one, like odds; it’s two to one they do get there or they don’t, or do they get there and then it’s two to one they rema-terialize?

Here was humor, but she clearly did not say to him, Where is this belief of yours coming from?: and he was glad. The kindness stayed back in her eyes ready. She must have known Spence but not that he was always turning a buck with somebody’s contact, and twice he went away and came back to the fine old bar and sat near the curved brass divider that looked like the top of a boat ladder setting off the small service area of the bar: he came back and once slid up onto a stool much closer to Mayn and the South American woman, but that alertness of hers was less than her plain attention to him, which said she would be interested to know more of this actual place or time he was coming from, she gave it a foreign dignity he didn’t resist except to make a diversionary joke here and there as if to say, You don’t have to, you know—and once looked at his gold-banded wristwatch but she must have understood this was less offhand than curiously gallant even though Mayn did not make a habit of looking at his watch when in conversation with anyone, let alone a woman. Even so, the woman he had married sometimes neglected to let him have the credit of his behavior if she plotted, across his eyeball, some brief gateway, a glint that your normal observer would either not see or would have to wait for weeks, or travel, to see, like the sunset green flash.

Like the universe to itself—which, while not We, approaches (always a mile or two too late) the receding idea which proves that We ourselves are neither that universe, nor it us, nor are, very much of the time, that articulating commonalty heretofore capable of accommodating a multiplicity of small-scale units, which, it has occurred to us as we have curved through the bodies of our history a work without a gear, locate us as (no joke, no future joke) what is within Mayn and within the elsewhere-busied Grace Kimball and others as what they don’t know they know about each other and a world, which "there" is outself-growing, too. Hence, a hotel in i960. Hence, speaking out as perpetual insiders collected as a concept, which is that our speech is a hypothetical indicator of the other, likelier, theory of our overall silence. Or we are what is sealed inside these people in order to reach forth, even like fourteen unbroken eggs in the remembered recipe for angel-food cake once, twice, three times magically made by Sarah, mother of Jim Mayn, because unlike much other food it melted.

You are a journalist, Mayn said to the lady, yet you believe what you hear.

She had said that it seemed to her that in his account people were being turned into something communicable.

This was worth laughing about together. Yet she was laughing because the humor was true.

He explained that what "was" taking place at this future time was in two places at once and—and—he was a sane man, a journeyman male who played a bit of basketball, still ran and swam, and worked out on the light striking bag when he remembered to in the clubs of half a dozen cities if not countries, a bit of a social boozer and not averse lately to a social smoke though he had never rolled his own joints nor carried a lid like a pipe smoker; was not a particularly imaginative person, he thought, a newspaperman with hardly a view of history (its coming or its waiting or writing) who had gotten away from his hometown where his family had run a weekly paper until it quit during the War and it would not have lasted even if he lived on beyond high school and college to go in on it with his father who, though he had the same last name as his bride, had married into it—

—the two places, she interrupted, and for a second, though he had no middle-range insight into the future and didn’t want whatever bond with action it might confer, he knew that this fine and dear woman was going to be hideously interrupted herself one day, yet no one would ever know if (or not) it was because she had interrupted him in order to keep him with his story as if there were power for someone in it.

The two places, he said—well, it’s going on in the future, this thing that might seem strange to you but I know that I have been in it—and again he felt himself for a second in the middle-range future and telling someone else about this far future and the place it enacted and telling someone, as he was doing now in i960 with her, without concealing the fact (for it was) that he was there in that future. And this radiance, he said in i960 to the South American woman
who
knows where they import it from?, I’m just as ignorant there in the future as I am here cast back from there, but it’s tied into the magnetosphere cascades, cascades, did I say?, no one ever told me about cascades out there but that’s where they are at, strictly speaking the territory near the magnetopause on the earth side I’m told, where you reach the limit of the earth’s magnetic field where the sun’s wind presses against it hard enough to squash it—while those cascades, which are right there in my head though I have no right to them and haven’t been able to let them settle, are some reverse radiance flowing off from the magnetosphere like fish upstream into the solar wind but that isn’t really it because someway the earthward wind
draws
these cascades of field
from
the direction of earth, I guess it would be sunward wouldn’t it?, but yes! the point is that they can draw this radiance off from the magnetosphere in this future place I’m talking about, and have harnessed it, so the place isn’t entirely bad . . .

She laughed and made a note.

Oh it comes down out of the jointed plates of the—

—the bubble around them, said the woman like a partner in discovery.

That’s it: you got it: you know as much as I do.

She laughed and so did he. Her laugh made him think of the very short dress she was wearing, though he was looking at her eyes and her skin, though feeling unfaithful about her angelic sympathy with certain crackpot ideas.

She laughed because she was acquiring a language as different from Romance or Anglo-Saxon as Japanese . . . where they stand, he said, one in front of the other, an Indian-file twosome and they are transferred a hundred thousand miles or so out to the torus, it’s a colossal doughnut, do you have doughnuts in—

—the libration point, she put in—

—that’s where it’s at, he said—one of them, one of the colonies they would build by spraying metal coat by coat layer by layer on an inflated doughnut two, three miles wide, maybe more, a balloon in the shape of what they call a torus—build up the site by rotating this monster inner tube past the spray gun firing metal froth—

—Assembly line, she said.

—Endless, said Mayn; you know how Henry Ford got the idea from the Chicago stockyard meat choppers who worked off overhead conveyors.

Do we know for certain that’s where he got the idea?

There’s plenty of ways to build a colony, and that’s how they do this wheel-shape torus at that libration point between gravities out between the Moon and the Earth, a circular balloon is how it’ll begin.

You’re way ahead of me, she said, and they laughed again. He didn’t fall in love with her. He saw her bend her head, turning her neck stiffly or politely in a show of trying to understand; he admired her and did think of touching her along the two parallel lines of her wrists. But he was already in love, and Joy was pregnant with his son.

Someplace in the seventies of (we add) the century in question, on the same day that he heard of a Chicago intellectual who had said, 4 4No Statue of Liberty ever greeted
our
arrival in this country," Mayn was able to describe the vacuum-vapor method of squirting boiled aluminum onto the Relevant Inflated (i.e., the Appropriate Other, we intrude but only on ourselves), for they had the process by then. But back in ‘60, knowing a son would be born to him and knowing he the father might never be able to say the truth of where he, a shadow, was being cast from but not like the flat shadows of the Moon’s newly televised dark-side Sea of Dreams (the Russians named it) he was yet incompetent to see into the middle future and see his son going to college in the seventies, and leaving college to be a scientist, a lawyer, an architect (please not another dumb one)—

—an astronaut, she said.

And he continued with what he
could
see: the distant future, where, to answer her question, the two people standing on the titanium plate under the bubble of jointed electromagnetism when they rematerialize at their libration point far out from Earth are
one
person.

Aha, she said, and wrote a word or two down on her small pad beside her half-finished margarita, and then felt free to laugh briefly: What sex? she asked.

That’s what Larry asked seventeen eighteen years later, and we hardly remembered he was still (read
here)
there, he’s consented to be given a new Atala ten-speed by his father though he liked his old beat-up ten-speed Raleigh from the Island and now has an offer of a hundred dollars for it from Grace Kimball—he breathes so little in order to bring all he can bear upon his internalized systems, none at all finished we understand, many started like variant radii aimed in at a locus of centers where may be found backward a hermit-inventor’s new weather precipitated possibly from alterations in the charge-field of coastline configurations, not at this late date by that north-polar wind shift (you’ll have sensed by now) that turned the clouds and altered rainfall shapes in the time of the gifted, hapless Anasazi six hundred years before the East Far Eastern Princess met the Hermit-Inventor in New York and saw herself in his glinting eye whose new weather at our aforementioned locus of centers got carried on by the hermit-inventor nephew of that old khaki beachcomber who came to the Jersey shore to speak to Margaret before he should die of what whole-grain toxins trekked through his system for years of breathing fire and smoke of bodies flying by his tenement windows, of using alcohol and tobacco, of pouring through himself all sugars of the City and all salts of the elaborate harbor where
weet-wit weet-wit
the purple sandpipers hosting their southern kinflock of turnstones even more lost than they await the beaches of an earlier day, yet that earlier Hermit-Inventor managed to store one horned metabol adrift in his viscera drawing the rest of his substance toward it like a lip or a flower or flume. Upon which he took the train to Windrow, was found by Bob Yard the electrician sometime lover of Jim Mayn’s desperate mother on Margaret and Alexander’s porch, and was driven to that shore point Mantoloking and to Margaret who was walking on the sand alarmed for her daughter burning on the black towel, Jim and Brad’s mother, yet Margaret recollected still the bridges of New York that now by our reckoning in the eighth decade of the century in question come to nine majors not counting the lighted statue through which the Hermit-Inventor of New York in late 1893 or early 1894 or at least once upon a time conducted the East Far Eastern Princess reportedly as a mist, and secreted her toward home and safety in the East as once some years before in the presence of the then as yet unassembled parts of the giant Statue he had put young Margaret in mind of westward travel and transformation.