Read Zombie Bums from Uranus Online

Authors: Andy Griffiths

Zombie Bums from Uranus (30 page)

BOOK: Zombie Bums from Uranus

Plastic squeezy bottle
Extremely simple and efficient propulsion device for delivering
tomato sauce
to a specified target (usually a vegetable, but can also be used for fighting bums).

Pincher, The
Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of forefinger and thumb-to-bum combat. Founding member of the world's first bum-fighting team,
Mabel's Angels.

Just like an alligator, except browner. And smellier. Avoid.

A process whereby human bodies are reorganised so that bums and heads swap places. Highly sought after by bums. Highly dreaded by heads.

Retired bum-fighters' rest home
Set up by the Bum-fighters' Union to house the fortunate few
who reach old age, despite the odds stacked against them by their dangerous profession.

Just like a rhinoceros, only browner. And smellier. Avoid.

Just like a waterfall except browner. And smellier. Avoid.

Silas Sterne's Bum-fighting Academy
Founded by Silas Sterne in order to give rookie
a solid grounding in the theory and practice of serious bum-fighting.

Smacker, The
highly skilled in the art of hand-to-bum combat. Member of the famous

Small city Down Under with a big pong. Home of
Zack Freeman.

Smellbourne University Press
Courageous publishing house responsible for publishing Sir Roger Francis Rectum's controversial book, ‘The Origin of the Univarse'.

best friend. (NB: The first rule of bum-fighting is to always wash your hands afterwards.)

Also known as the Great Unwiped Bum, it is the ugliest, dirtiest, wartiest, pimpliest, grossest, greasiest, hairiest, stinkiest bum in the entire world. Or, at least it was, until Zack Freeman outstenched it with a pair of very smelly socks.

Toilet paper
A paper product consisting of a series of perforated squares rolled around a cardboard tube. Used for wiping bums. See also
Homebrand toilet paper.

Tomato sauce
A substance with quasi-magical properties, capable of making ANYTHING taste better. Particularly useful for improving the taste of vegetables and
zombie bums.

unidentified flying bums.

Unidentified flying bums
A flying bum that cannot be identified. What did you think it was? This isn't exactly brain-surgery, you know.

Everything that you can possibly think of plus everything that you can't. There are many theories about how the univarse began, but the truth is that most of the theories are just that. Theories. All that can be said for certain is that in the beginning there was a bum.

2.871 billion kilometres from the sun. The planet has 17 known moons and 11 rings. Uranus's surface is an ocean of liquid methane which gives the planet a beautiful blue colour. NB: Extreme caution must be taken with the pronunciation of this planet's name to avoid potential confusion and embarrassment.

Utility belt
Originally worn by a
to hold all his or her bum-catching gear (e.g.
fluffy pink toilet seat cover, toilet paper
). Once shunned as little more than a child's toy by
it was popularised by Zack Freeman and is now becoming increasingly adopted by all classes of anti-bum personnel.

Wiper, The
Legendary bum-fighter, highly skilled in the art of toilet paper-to-bum combat.

Zack's bum
Zack Freeman
and his bum have a long history of disagreeing with each other. In fact, two months after his twelfth birthday, Zack was shocked to discover his runaway bum addressing a midnight bum rally in which it encouraged other bums to create a bumcano powerful enough to knock out every human being on the planet, so that bums could ‘
' the human body to take the coveted spot on top of the neck where they felt they rightly belonged. After a long and difficult journey involving both great danger and personal sacrifice, as well as a descent into the heart of the explosive
Zack was able to make peace with his bum, render the bumcano harmless and blast the true ringleader, the
Great White Bum
, into outer space. Zack Freeman recounted his story in great detail to writer Andy Griffiths in the powerful and inspirational best-seller: ‘The Day My Bum Went Psycho'.

Zack Freeman
Conqueror of the Great White Bum and saviour of Planet Earth. Hero of free men everywhere. See
Zack's bum.

Parasitic attachment of a
zombie bum
to a victim's real (or artificial) bum. Turns the victim into an eating machine that exists for the sole purpose of making the zombie bum bigger and fatter than it already is. When the host is exhausted the zombie bum will simply abandon him or her and move on in search of a new victim.

Zombie bum
A bum that is neither dead nor fully alive. Zombie bums feel no pain, have no thoughts or feelings, and possess incredible powers of regeneration, which makes them almost impossible to destroy. Driven to
potential victims, their only known weaknesses are extreme heat and a fondness for the hokey pokey.

Invasion of a place—or entire planet—by

BE BOLD . . .

BE BRAVE . . .


Coming soon to a univarse near you: the thrilling,
nostril-hairiciding conclusion to the
BUM trilogy . . .

The Final Pongflict

by Andy Griffiths

To find out more
visit the Andy Griffiths website at:

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